When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

“You’re not in love with him anymore are you?”

“Hmmm?” I asked, slightly confused, looking up from my geography homework I was amending for what felt like the millionth time.

“Are you still in love with him?” Lacey repeated Alice for her.

“Who?” I asked, still trying to think of the term I was looking for. I scanned the sentence another two times. I looked up when I could basically hear everyone exchange glances. “Oh! What? Yeah of course I am.” I turned back to my essay. Frustrated that the idea was now in my head, distracting my line of geographical thought, I looked up with a sigh. “Why?”

“You don’t seem as right anymore,” Alice said tentatively.

“I’m just trying not to bicker with him. I’m a tad pissed off I have to admit but I have more important things to focus on,” I said stiffly, digging around in my bag for my diary. “I have about three essays due by next Wednesday and an art analysis, I’m not worrying about stupid arguments. What’s the point?”

“Why’re you guys still together?” Grace asked.

“Because we love each other,” I answered simply, ticking off my geography essay as complete. The silence deafened me again. My eyes flicked up in frustration. “What? Look guys. I’m not in the mood to discuss this alright?”

“It’s just like you’re running away from the problem,” Alice said reasonably.

“My relationship with Josh is none of anyone’s business but ours,” I snapped, slamming my diary shut. I shoved it in my bag, picked up my essay and stalked off for fourth period. I was the first to arrive in art. I suddenly became frustrated that we working on simple copying tasks and my mind was going to wonder. I’d been so good at blocking things these past months.

I’d made up with Josh. Kind of. Things were different between us but anything bitter was kept under wraps. To be fair, I was still pissed off at his pathetic arguments. According to him I didn’t share enough of my life with him. He didn’t like Harry. He made his opinions very clear. I hadn’t really seen him properly in a few weeks. As Christmas approached, my work load had rocketed and my mother warnings still rang in my ears. I wasn’t about to bite back at her. I was pleased she was trying to work things out with my dad. To be fair, they seemed happier than they ever had before.

I was starting to get my familiar pangs of longing to see old faces and knew I’d have to make a scheduled trip back down south. I mused over timings while I tried to work out when to fit all my work in.

***

“I don’t really think they were expecting such a huge party for tonight,” Georgie whispered to me as we watched with amusement the faces of the restaurant staff when we all walked through the door.

“I thought Mrs Helyer had booked a table?” I asked when one male waiter almost dropped his food from staring at us.

“Yeah she did,” she laughed. “They must have been expecting us though, the huge party that’s basically renting half the restaurant out tonight.”

“More or less,” I agreed. The band were just about to hit the road on tour with Kids In Glass Houses so everyone was going out for a ‘family’ dinner before they left on Monday. I’d been invited by Josh’s parents to attend and they were kindly hosting me for the weekend.

“I’m guessing Athina’s attending the Welsh send off instead,” I asked to Josh, Max and Georgina.

“Yeah, I guess her priorities are elsewhere now,” Josh laughed.

“It’s her last chance to see him before he joins us I suppose,” Max said, sitting down opposite me. I could feel Josh’s eyes on me like they were burning into my flesh.

There were twenty two of us in total. Five band members, each of their parents, Georgina, Nathan, Elliot, his mum, Henri, Elissa and myself. We literally accommodated one half of the restaurant.

Things were still a little tense between Josh and I and we rarely spoke to one another. There were so many of us it didn’t really matter. I talked to Chris, Georgie, Max and their parents the most. I then got into a long discussion with Elissa about her plans for an album which then led into her holiday plans for Christmas. About four hours, fourty drinks and four hundred pounds later, we left.

“Why didn’t Emily come after, I didn’t get a reply?” Josh asked, checking his phone again.

“Something to do with early work experience,” I muttered, checking my phone too.

“You don’t get to see her much either do you? She used to be your best friend,” he said quietly, we slowed down to walk just behind his parents and sister.

“Yeah I know, but it’s difficult,” I said bluntly.

“You should try see her more,” he said calmly. I chewed on the inside of my lip to stop myself retorting bitterly.

“I know, I arranged to meet her for an evening out when you’re all on tour,” I said as calmly despite the hard edge to my voice. I could see Josh’s jaw tighten and he was doing the same – holding his tongue against something he really wanted to reply. We reached the car and fell silent again.

I really was stressing about getting my English essay done by Wednesday since I hadn’t even started it yet as I looked out into the blurry scene of my old hometown. I wasn’t really taking anything in and even blindly walked into the Franceschi’s without much thought. I followed Josh upstairs, snatched my stuff and went to get ready for bed. When I came back he was just in his boxers, scanning his laptop placed on his lap, stretched out on his bed. It looked like the laptop had distracted his changing process.

He was frowning at the screen.

“S’up?” I asked casually, dropping my toiletries back into my bag with a loud clatter.

“Mmm? Just checking stuff about this tour. Finality stuff with the Welsh lad’s manager. Bobby forwarded me their stuff...”

“Josh, that’s the reason you have Bobby. Stop taking over his job or you’ll be paying him to do sod all," I said more sourly than I’d intended, but felt like I was repeating myself. I kept telling him not to stress.

“I know,” he said, not really listening to me as he read an email.

I rolled my eyes, sat down next to him with a huff and folded my arms, staring at his wall. He’d started collecting magazine clippings about their band and there was even a tour poster tacked up. I saw there were a few old photos of everyone too. Emily and Max smiled out at me from the Fancy Dress party from ages ago. Athina, Ashley and Dan were in another.

“I want one of us,” Josh commented nonchalantly whilst he continued to read the laptop. He looked up when I turned my head back to him in surprise.

“We don’t really have a lot of pictures together, I want one to stick on my wall,” he said gently, his smile matching his voice. “No sorry, we have one, that one from the night where Ash ended up in hospital.”

“Don’t remind me,” I shuddered, clutching my stomach, I felt sick at the memory.

I searched through my bag and pulled out a camera. I couldn’t help being secretly pleased when Josh finally closed the laptop and sat up. We took a number of photos together and I insisted furiously that Josh didn't need put his top on. We ended on one finally that was instantly my favourite.

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“Beautiful,” he said with a grin, his eyes widening to emphasis his sarcasm but he laughed all the same.

“Oh don’t that’s my favourite,” I whined with a laugh still strong in my voice. I took my camera back and dropped it in the top of my bag. Josh reached around behind me, sliding both his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder and whispered into my hair.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I said breathlessly, not keen to restart any arguments. “Leave it.”

He kissed my shoulder and we savoured the moment as each of our thoughts processed over. Josh’s was obviously in a different place to mine because he turned me around to kiss me... and kiss me... and kiss me.

I laughed through the kiss.

“Josh your entire family are in.”

He kissed with more pressure that usual down the bare skin of my neck. Strangely, I pushed away.

“No seriously,” I giggled. “We need to go to bed. And sleep,” I added on the end at his gleeful face. He then frowned with huge puppy dog eyes. Half torn, I nudged him towards the bed with a smile with no other intention than actually sleeping.

***

“Thanks for helping me,” I said, setting a cup of tea down in front of him. “I don’t really get Chaucer.”

“No, my mum’s a lecturer on this stuff,” Harry noted nonchalantly, brushing it off with a wave of his hand as he re-read my work.

“It’s bloody shit, I mean, no offence to your mum or anything-”

“No don’t worry about it, I agree,” he answered, still staring at my essay.

“I wish I could drop English but then I’d only have two A-Levels,” I sighed. “Mum’s got such high expectations of me already.”

“I think every parents who pays an unbelievably amount of money for their child’s education is shooting high,” Harry laughed. “That school of yours is ridiculously expensive.”

“Exactly why I can’t fail any of this,” I sighed, running my hands through my hair before tucking each side behind my ear.

“Don’t worry I’ll make sure you’ll pass,” Harry said, smiling before his expression changed into one of serious concentration as he continued to read my work. I hid my smile behind my mug.

When I got upstairs later that evening, my phone surprised me. I’d left it on charge because it had nearly died on me whilst running to catch the bus as I’d desperately tried to get hold of my mother. I had about ten missed calls from Emily. I had one brief moment of utter confusion and curiosity until the light bulb flickered into life above my head. I’d arranged to meet Emily tonight! Oh fuck!

“Oh shit,” I muttered over and over again as I tried to get hold of her. It went to answerphone after a few rings. She obviously didn’t want to talk to me. I left several messages and sent texts but I didn’t receive anything back for the rest of the night. I tried to get hold of Athina but she’d gone to see the show in Wales that evening. I stared at my phone all evening waiting for Emily to forgive me and felt the growing dread of having to explain to her and Josh who I’d spent the evening with instead.

Admittedly Harry was becoming one of my favourite people in St Albans along with Alice. There was just something about him that was just comforting. He wasn’t pervy like Alex had been and I knew he had no intentions of trying anything with me. He constantly asked for my advice about this girl in his class so I knew he wasn’t going to pull a fast one over my eyes which was fine because I was still interested in the boy touring the country. Any jealousy of Harry was seriously petty shit. I was determined to have male friends in St Albans and Harry was becoming one of the best I’d ever had.

***

My school finally broke up for Christmas and I was lucky enough to catch the end of a few tour dates the guys were playing down south. Max told me that they were crashing in hotels for the last two dates. I was really pleased because a load of people were coming up to see the dates nearest to Surrey to see both the boys and Kids In Glass Houses.

Ignoring my work pile, I backed a bag and my dad dropped me off at the train station, promising to sort my mother out when he got home. I hadn’t actually told her I was road tripping with the guys for a few days yet.

Alice and I arrived in Southampton and met up with Athina and Georgina in the town centre. I’d expected to meet Josh but they answered my confused looks when we walked up to them.

“He’s started the drama queen stuff early,” Athina explained quickly. “They’re all having a band meeting and doing some press.”

“Oh okay,” I replied with a huge smile, I was pleased to see these girls. “Do you know if Emily’s coming?”

“Yeah, she’s coming up with the rest of the girls from Surrey later,” Georgina explained.

“Good,” I muttered under my breath.

Knowing that we weren’t going to be able to be around anyone sane whilst there was serious band stuff going on, we decided to stay in town, get some coffee and go shopping. We checked in at the Hotel Inn that the guys were staying in for the night and were slightly amused at the displeased faces of the receptionists when we mentioned that we were only adding to the band-on-tour list. Unfortunately they wouldn’t let me into Josh’s room until he gave permission for me to get a key so I got changed in Alice’s room.

“Anyone up for a pre-show drink?” Georgie asked when the guys finally caught up with us.

“Yeah sounds good,” I said honestly, smiling at Josh over Matt’s shoulder, he was looking a bit stressed.

“We’re sort of on duty,” Matt said, taking Alice’s hand.

“Oh man up,” I laughed. “I think you’ll be alright.”

“Yeah well I’m going to head over to the venue,” Dan said bluntly, avoiding everyone’s gazes. I frowned after him, my brain ticking furiously to try and pick up on what was wrong. I swallowed nervously when I realised that if I’d upset Emily, Dan wouldn’t be that impressed with me.

I pulled on my heels, snatched up my bag and glanced briefly at my reflection in the mirror. Straightening up, I pulled the hem of my short dress down a bit more but it didn’t really make a difference. I felt Josh’s eyes sweep over me as I passed him whilst he held the door open for me.

“I’ll bring my stuff up to yours later,” I said to Josh, taking his hand and leading him down the corridor. I barely realised that my words were a statement rather than a question. The three band couples and Max left to go to the hotel bar where we were joined by Tom Barnes, Lucy and the three new girls, Amy, Rosie and Zoe. The crew members were busy setting up backstage so were unable to join us.

“I’ll get them,” Josh said to me when I started to dig through my purse for money. I smiled at him in thanks and took my cocktail to go and talk to Lucy, glancing around every now and then to look for Emily until Lucy told me that she’d gone over to find Dan at the venue. I relaxed a bit more then, taking another drink from Josh and catching up with everyone.

I finally got my chance to apologise to Emily’s face after the show in the greenroom.

“Fuck off Jase,” she said rather bluntly. “I’m not really in the mood.”

“Emily, I’m so sorry,” I kept blurting. “It just completely slipped my mind, I had a million things to do and I was getting all stre-”

“So why did you make plans at all? I thought our night out would be a predominant thought in that busy pretty head of yours,” she almost spat at me.

“Woah, woah, woah ladies, what’s going on?” Max asked, appearing in the greenroom with a litre of water.

“Nothing,” we both said and she shot me a glare. Max raised his eyebrows at us.

“I know a bitching tone when I hear one.”

“Fuck off Max!”

“Who’s bitching?” Josh asked as he squeezed around into the room.

“No one,” Emily snapped. “Jasey here just decided to forget our plans to spend the evening with that new best friend of hers. That Harry kid.”

My eyes widened and my heart stammered. I was going to kill her. I looked up at Josh who’s face was expressionless.

“He’s just a mate, he was helping me with my English,” I said calmly to Emily but there was a serious darker undertone to my voice. I knew she was just going to evoke another argument for me. I got up with a sigh and left the room, sick of it all.

“Jase?” I heard Josh’s tired sing song voice behind me.

“What?” I muttered, shoving the fire exit open and rummaging through my pocket to pull out my cigarettes.

I put one in my mouth whilst I looked for my lighter, turning on the spot to face him. Josh pulled it out of my mouth and I glared up at him.

“I really wish you wouldn’t smoke,” he said sincerely. I just stared up at him before taking back the cigarette and putting it back in my mouth. I decided to ignore his eye rolling. I turned my body slightly away to light it up.

“I’m not really in the mood,” I grumbled at him, smoking at the small familiar task in front of me.

“I did gather,” he said, surprisingly calmly. “What’s really up with you?”

“I don’t know, I just feel like I have a million things on top of me at the moment,” I said to the ground before becoming more animated. “And then she’s kicking off because I missed one day!”

“I know,” he said contrastingly quiet to my rant voice. I took a long breath, pulling my jacket up around my neck, trying to ignore the cold. “She’ll get over it. It’s Emily.”

“I fucking hope so,” I muttered, seething and blowing out the breath I took in. Josh stepped back and couldn’t hide his face of disgust. I didn’t even feel guilty about the fact that I was not only compromising my health but his. My brain and emotional capacity felt too full for anymore.

“Why do you feel like everything’s on top of you?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I’m working my arse off to try and hit these grades. I think my parents are okay, but I’m not too sure. I haven’t seen Erin in a while. Emily’s throwing a hissy fit and you’re usually shouting at me by now?”

“Why would I be shouting?” he asked quickly, burying his hands deep into his pockets.

“Harry?”

Josh made a face. He looked like he really wanted to say something and from the way his jaw was fixed, I could tell he was biting his tongue very hard.

“I’m happy to see you, I’m not having an argument over something petty but... I don’t think it was right to miss Emily to see hi-”

“I didn’t!” I cried in disbelief. “I was doing work!”

“Alright! Alright!” Josh raised his arms in defence, taking a step back from me in the shock of my sudden outburst.

A giggle interrupted my train of thought. We both turned around to look for the source in the dark and found a group of four girls watching us from around the side of the wall. I threw my cigarette on the floor and slipped back into the venue before I got a photo taken or dirty looks thrown in my direction.

I avoided the greenroom and headed for the bar of the venue, slipping my phone out of my pocket to distract my train of thought.

I found Alice, Athina, Aled, Matt and Tom on some comfy chairs in the corner. Despite their company I still sent a few texts to Erin, Harry and Mia. Dan passed with a short glance and ran up the stairs back to the greenroom where apparently Emily and Max still were. Josh caught up with us about half an hour later, his red cheeks told me he’d been outside the entire time with the fans.

“Are we going out this evening?” I asked out loud as I checked my phone for a text and the time.

“Uhhh, I think so, if we can round everyone up,” Matt said, glancing around the bar.

“I need to go speak to Bobby anyway, I’ll tell everyone that’s still back there to meet us here in ten minutes,” Josh said, getting to his feet, he kissed me on the top of my head and vanished.

Alice was watching me meaningfully but I just shook my head at her. I was going to enjoy this evening regardless and smiled at her. The rest of the band, Kids In Glass Houses, their guests, Lucy, Zoe and the crew caught up with us forty minutes later. We’d argued leaving without them, but that had seemed pointless so we waited around for what felt like ages until they all arrived.

We left into cold night in search of somewhere full of people and playing good music. The downside of an punk rock band meant we couldn’t go anywhere too mainstream. We ended up in some club full of similar people to the boys despite Athina, myself, and surprisingly, Zoe protesting that that was the most likely place they were going to bump into fans. The guys shrugged at this and seemed happy enough to be badgered all evening.

“They’re all like twelve aren’t they?” Zoe said moodily, shuffling through the doors with her arms tightened to her chest. The heat of the place hit us rather pleasantly.

“Who are?” Georgina asked, digging through her clutch for her phone.

“Their fans,” Zoe laughed, her eyes scanning the room, no doubt seeking out a free drink from some unsuspecting guy. I tightened my lips to hold back a laugh in mild agreement. I knew their fanbase must have a higher age range but those I’d bumped into were normally very young.

Josh bought me a drink without even asking, which I took gratefully, muttering to pay him back but he just shook his head. I smiled as my mood started to lift a little. Emily stalked past me, followed by Dan who vanished into the back corner of the room.

“Yeah, she’s not going to get over it easily,” Josh said into my ear.

“Why?” I asked in utter amazement. There were worse things to fall out over.

Josh hesitated, looking around and blowing out a long breath.

“Come on, relax, speak to her about it tomorrow?”

I nodded, downing my rum and coke in one and pulled him to the dance floor.

****

I wasn’t sure how I ended up in Alice’s room and not Josh’s. My head was sort of sore and I was crashed out on her sofa. I was still dressed in my dress from last night and had one heel on. Oh God, what had gone down?

I shook my head to try and figure it out. Alice appeared from the bathroom, rubbing her hair with a towel.

“You had an argument with Emily and Dan and left. Matt, Max and I followed you out to make sure you were okay. To defend Josh, he didn’t see anything happen and came looking for you completely out of breath as soon as he found out. You were already crashed on my sofa by that time.”

I had mild flashbacks as she said things and my nose wrinkled in discomfort.

“Argument?” I prompted cautiously.

“Yeah,” she said with an awkward smile. “I don’t actually know word for word what went down but you ranted about how she had the nerve to say you had ‘changed’.”

“Changed?” I repeated with bitter confusion. I held my tongue hard and rubbed my head. I sort of remembered it now. I could see Emily’s face ranting at me. Dan had then stepped in to say he didn’t like my behaviour of recent and how he didn’t appreciate what I was doing to Josh. He told me I should end it with him or stop fucking him around.

‘He’s not the most pleasant of people when he’s moping over your childish actions all the time’

Dan’s words rang in my ears. Oh bloody Hell.

“And I shouted at Max!” I cringed as it flooded back to my. I sunk into my hands.

“I told him to stop following my like a lost puppy and that I didn’t need him,” I told Alice who nodded slowly. “Oh fucking bollocks shit.”

Wanting to slam my head into the wall, I got up, showered and changed running over in my head how to fix my actions. I had several apologies lined up for... everyone. When I finished blow drying my hair, I checked my phone and found a text from Harry.

‘Do you still want me to come down tonight? X’

I searched through my sentbox and saw that I’d drunkenly begged him to come to the London show. I replied:

‘Yes please x’

I needed someone that wasn’t going to look at me in disappointment or shout at me. If things were too unbearable, I was going home.

I found Josh first in the room I was meant to be staying in. I asked him about Harry quickly which he surprisingly agreed to with a tight jaw and small amount of eye contact. I then asked him about the rest of the guys but he said he didn’t know what had really happened. Max was completely down trodden when he found him outside the hotel but wouldn’t really tell him why. Josh took my hand as we went downstairs for breakfast and squeezed it in support but my head was too all over the place to acknowledge it. Unthinkingly, I shook his hand off and ran up to Athina to ask where everyone was.

She and Aled had just come from the Hotel’s dining room and were the last few. Everyone was packing up the cars with suitcases and loading the equipment properly into the van outside. Josh pulled me into breakfast even though I wasn’t hungry. Zoe and Georgie were sat in the corner so we joined them and Alice came along a few minutes later. I sort of felt guilty for running her night with Matt as I’d crashed in their room. My head was pounding but it wasn’t from the alcohol. I just sat with my eyes closed, inhaling my coffee fumes, and rubbing my temples. I made such a mess of things sometimes.

We finally all packed up. Josh insisted that I go in the van with them, he seemed really keen to spend time with me, but I knew I wasn’t going to be welcome. Aled offered me a seat in their van instead so I joined Athina and the boys on the way up to London. As we pulled out I noticed Zoe sat next to Josh and Max, where I was meant to be sat.

We arrived in London a few hours later and checked into another cheap hotel just outside the city centre. The guys dumped their bags in the rooms and everyone to do with the gig left for the new venue as wells as Emily. I bit down hard on my lip when I saw her leave without so much as a goodbye.

The rest of us, Athina, Amy, Georgie, Lucy, Rosie, Zoe and I all head into the nearest form of town centre to grab a coffee and shop browsing. We spent the day in the outskirts of London before heading back to the hotel to dress up and catch the train into the centre. We picked up a stack of alcohol as a present for the guys for having us on the end of their tour. We grabbed about five bottles of champagne and a litre of vodka.

I assured the girls I was fine when I told them that I needed to wait for Harry at the station. The new girls seemed happy enough to leave me even if Rosie seemed to have some reservations about it. I had to tell Athina and Georgie a million times to go to the venue cause we were running out of time. I would be fine on my own and Harry would take care of me when he arrived. I took shelter in a bar outside the station, distracting myself with my phone to avoid curious stares. I finally got a text from Harry and headed out onto the street to meet him.

I saw his face in the crowd like my eyes were drawn to it. I grinned at him and ran at him even in my heels. I wrapped my arms around him in a welcome hug.

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you!” I said breathlessly. “I can’t survive five minutes on my own.”

“Well that’s the problem when you-?” Harry dropped me down and I followed his gaze in confusion. Josh had appeared out of nowhere panting and looking half horrified, half angry.

“Are you completely out of your mind?” he asked when I didn’t greet him out of shock.

“Are you? Aren’t you on in like half hour?!” I asked, completely stunned.

“We have a support act!” Josh argued. “Why on earth would you wait in London alone in the dark?!”

“Cause nothing bad was going to happen to me,” I laughed, slightly amused. “I can take care of myself. Harry’s here anyway.”

“Jase, this is London,” he disputed, glancing around himself. “Not the place for a seventeen year old girl to be wandering around alone dressed in...” He glanced down at my outfit to make his point. I tugged on the hem of my skirt and frowned. “Please don’t do things like that.”

Harry broke the glare battle we were having with a cheery ‘hello’.

“Josh right? Nice to see you again,” he offered his hand to Josh who reluctantly took it. “Thanks for letting me come tonight.”

My eyes didn’t leave Josh’s face as, with the same emotionless expression, he shook it hard.

“Don’t worry about it, we’ve got a load of people up,” Josh said a bit more bluntly than necessary. The two finally dropped hands and I finally glanced at their hands. Harry was red as if Josh had been squeezing too hard. Harry clenched and unclenched his fist automatically and I stepped forwards.

“Shall we get going?”

“Yeah, the place is just a few streets from here,” Josh said, looking away from Harry and snatching my hand. I groaned and looked down at my feet in sympathy. Poor feet. They were going to suffer tonight. In a row we headed through the streets of London. Josh tried to offer me his jacket but I refused when I began to shiver. We could all see our breaths in the evening air and my legs were feeling the bitterness as badly as my feet were feeling the weight of my body. Harry kept close to my left but Josh pulled me forwards hurriedly on my right.