When I Grow Up, I Want to Be Famous

“He’s a little protective? Isn’t he?” Harry finally asked when the train pulled away. I watched Josh vanish into the distance.

“I guess,” I sighed, sinking back into the seat and closing my eyes. “He’s always been a bit like that. I mean, yeah, I appreciate it sometimes but... I don’t know. He ended up with a busted nose and concussion once after fighting someone who’d assaulted me.”

Harry made a bizarre exasperated and surprised noise but then fell silent.

The last night of the tour had seemed really stressful and I felt overwhelmed, how the Hell the guys did this for a living I couldn’t understand. I wanted nothing more than to get home and die. Emily and Dan hadn’t spoken me the entire evening. Max had been completely off with me and Matt didn’t seem too pleased with my actions either. Alice was currently sat opposite us with her headphones in on our way back to St Albans so I guessed she wasn’t too happy either. What was wrong with me?

Harry and Josh hadn’t really hit it off as well as I’d wanted but with the past I couldn’t blame him I suppose. It had meant to be another fun night out celebrating their final tour date but everyone was a bit off with each other. Josh wasn’t right with his band because he was too focused on Harry and I, and when I told him to go speak to them he got even more protective and pulled me to him. What was I doing to him?

Zoe had been glaring at me the entire time over his shoulder but it wasn’t outright bitchy look. It was subtler with a serious sense of longing in her eyes. The guys from Kids In Glass Houses and Athina were the only ones right with me. Chris and Georgie had sort of doubled up with Alice and Matt so there was a serious division vibe on that last night.

I snapped my eyes open and frowned at the trees passing by.

“You alright?” Harry asked quietly.

“Yeah,” I lied.

“Jase?”

“No,” I sighed, sinking lower in my seat and pouting.

“Missing him already?” he teased.

“No, well yeah I mean, but... I don’t know. I feel like I’m fucking things up for him and myself,” I chewed on my lip and sat in contemplation for a moment. “And things weren’t right between us these past nights and I don’t know if that’s if you were there, no offence, but it’s weird, normally we would have snuck off to find a room... and just be with each other,” I finished hurriedly with a blush once I realised I’d said too much. Harry chuckled at me.

“Been a while?”

“A few months,” I said in realisation. “Fuck.”

“Brutal,” Harry laughed.

“You’re not being very sympathetic,” I argued. “Some of us have stronger self control. I bet you’re dying to get home to see Jemma and have a ‘welcome home’ fuck.”

“Such dirty words,” Harry said through his laughing. “You sure you’re a lady?”

I dug my elbow into his ribs and shook my head with a smile. I then noticed Alice watching us both sceptically and my face fell.

***

Christmas came and went in a flash. I was forced to have my first Christmas in St Albans, my second without Josh or the guys which felt really weird. I didn’t even see him for New Year but in the sucky period in between, alone. No one else seemed to want to visit despite Josh’s sugar coated excuses for them. I was losing the will to care anyway.

January meant exams so I knuckled down to focus and it was a relief when I got an invite from Josh, a while after things would have probably calmed down, to go to the filming of their re-release of ‘Save It For The Bedroom’.

Alice, Harry, Mia and Sophie came down with me because apparently they needed extras.

My eyes widened when I first saw him, I hadn’t in just under a month. He’d changed his hair again. He’d cut it the shortest I’d seen it so far. The top was really short but the back was still long and almost the left side was sort of shaved off. I stole the hat off his head to have a good look.

“Like it?”

“Not a Mamma Franceschi cut,” I breathed and ran my hand over the side. I nodded with appreciation. He did look good.

“You do realise you’re going to be in this?” Josh said, with the grin he always wore after not seeing me for a long time. It was like this big hit for him that seemed to seriously elate him way too much. I glared at him.

“No fucking way,” I retorted with half a laugh.

“Oh come on, man up Jase,” he laughed before adding. “You can stand at the back if you like.”

I rolled my eyes but laughed all the same.

Josh was about to lean down and kiss me but Harry, Mia and Sophie came around the corner. My head turned suddenly so his nose gazed the side of my head. I smiled at my three St. Albans friends.

“Hello,” Mia said to us both, jumping forward to bounding energy. “This is so cool.”

“Should be a good day,” Josh said to her, took my hand and led us around to the main set. My mouth dropped and my forehead creased. I hadn’t had a clue what they were going to do with this video.

We were on a huge red and blue set with the words ‘Lazarus Ironside’ pasted on the wall. There were a load of cameras on the set and off. The band’s equipment was set up It oddly reminded me of Jeremy Kyle. There were a few men in dark clothing running around with different wires and clipboards.

“Is this like a-” Harry started.

“Chat show, yes,” Josh said quickly, looking at me not Harry. I shot him a ‘be nice’ face but he seemed to ignore it.

“And you need us to be...?” Sophie asked, scanning the room.

“The audience,” Josh answered.

“So who’s going to be your guests?” I asked, frowning at the lack of cast in the room.

“We are,” Josh laughed to himself.

“What?”

“You’ll see,” he answered.

Bobby then appeared around a corner and shouted at Josh.

“I’ll see you later then,” he said to me more than anyone else and kissed me on the forehead before vanishing around the other side of the set. I just stared after him before smiling awkwardly at the rest of my friends. We watched the people setting up and then all silently agreed to go back to the corridor so not to disturb.

People then started to filter through about twenty minutes later and I started to recognise faces from around my old college and hometown. I flashed smiles but didn’t receive as many in return. A few people even looked confused as to why I was staring at them. I didn’t see Emily but Lucy turned up with Zoe, Amy and Rosie. I saw David, Fiona, Lola and Overhill from Weybridge who all gave me returning and hearty smiles. Even a few of the parents had joined in.

We went in with them and lingered towards the back on the far left. The director for the video, Shane Davey who had done their previous video for Jealous Minds Think Alike, turned from talking to a crew member to address us extras.

“Right guys, we’re going to film the band first doing their take of the song on the stage, so bare with us while we go through this because this bit can be a bit tedious, you don’t need to be in here if you don’t want but quiet on the set please?”

We all wanted to watch.

The band finally came out to a few shouts and jeers from their family and friends and set themselves up at the front. It took a while to get going. When the song started playing it sent a shot of nostalgia through me, I hadn’t listened to this in ages! A flood of memories filled my mind and different smells and emotions flashed through my sense. I’d had a blast filming the original song with these guys, I could smell the old bars they’d played the song in and the most prominent in my mind was Josh uttering the words “Save it for the bedroom,” right before we’d...

I shuddered and snapped my mind to the present. I’d experienced three music video shoots, two more studio based and knew how long this part took. It took up most of the morning, people filtered in and out quietly. We were all sat on the floor by the seventh take. Finally the director seemed happy and the guys vanished behind the set – Josh was the only one to glance in my direction.

About twenty minutes later when the crew, Nathan, Henri, Elliot and co had managed to get the equipment off the set an older bald guy came out and Shaun shot a few shots of him looking pompous and arrogant. He must be the presenter. He then turned to us.

“Right, we need you guys to be a rowdier version of Jeremy Kyle audience, really go with it alright? We’ll film the band acting first but then need to turn some of the cameras on you. It’s gonna take a few takes, shout whatever the hell abuse you want but please for the love of God listen to what I say so we can get through this easily okay?”

The crowd suddenly jeered and there was an outbreak of laughter. I blinked and ducked my head around a few people to get a look. I caught a glimpse of Chris and a woman in a pink ensemble. Alice snuck over to our side and was laughing to herself.

I frowned at her and she looked at me as if she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t laughing too.

“Shit, that’s Matt,” Mia said before I could re look. I shot up onto my tiptoes to look again and sure enough it was Matt dressed, very convincingly as a woman.

“Like the wig,” I chuckled to Alice.

“I did the make up myself,” she said with a smile. I fell back down onto flat feet whilst Shane talked to the guys.

There were a series of takes with the crowd booing at Chris and Matt looking terrified at his son. Apparently he was a necrophiliac which I thought was a bit out there for the boys. Surprisingly it only took around 20 minutes for the take. The two boys vanished and Dan and Max came out. Max was in a dressing gown and Dan, like Matt had been, was dressed like a girl complete with hoop earrings and bright pink lipstick. A round of laughter greeted their arrival. Shane turned to us to talk about their set up but paused, seemed to think better of it, and turned back to the cameras with a huge grin.

“Alright Max we’re gonna get you backstage and Dan you talking about the problem first.”

Ten minutes later it was Max’s turn to come out onto the stage. It wasn’t until Shane shouted “action” did we see why he’d kept his mouth shut. He was after real reactions. Max came out completely starkers with nothing but a pineapple to cover his parts. Instinctively I turned my head away to gape at Harry who was in similar shock.

“Oh my God, oh my God,” I kept muttering over and over again, concerned that the image of Max’s arse would forever be burned into my eyes. Their section was short, for Max’s sake I imagined and they vanished again presumably to get changed.

It was a long day. They’d been shooting all morning and had got the band shoot and two interviews complete. God only knew what else they were planning. I didn’t get the chance to ask any of the band members who were busy changing or doing press presumably.

I found Tom to ask but he didn’t know and neither did Elliot.

“We just set up the equipment,” he shrugged whilst shoving a Maccy D’s down his gob. I’d settled for a coffee, not feeling particularly hungry. I was starting to get a headache from it.

When they came back out for another take I almost didn’t recognise the ‘parents’. My eyebrows shot up in surprise.

Chris was the small old woman with scarf wrapped around his grey wig. Josh was sat next to him, completely bald with powdery grey eyebrows and a moustache. A weird laugh escaped my lips and he glanced over at me, flashing me a wink. I just shook my head at him whilst trying not to laugh the loudest. I was attracting stares. I realised for the first time people looking at me strangely, whispering to one another, averting my gaze as if they’d been caught.

Okay, everyone in the room must know mine and Josh’s back story but everything said and done had been almost a year ago now. Were we still the most interesting piece of gossip? Then I realised they weren’t casting those looks at Josh, just me, like they disapproved at me, surrounded by new friends, next to another boy. Deciding people could suck it, I put on a smile and focused on the ‘acting’.

I didn’t get a chance to find the boys backstage because Shaun kept us under control and on a tight shooting schedule. Matt and Dan were next again where Matt had drawn the short card in being Dan’s wife in a bright pink cardigan and heels. Doing the math in my head I realised everyone had had their ‘problem’ centred and Josh was the only one left. Max and Chris were presumably his parents where Max actually looked pretty good in his blonde wig. Honestly, I was keenly interested in this one so slipped to my right and was on the very edge of the crowd now.

The guys and the host of the show started to have a pretend argument that was actually getting more and more amusing as they struggled for things to come up with without laughing themselves. I just stared at them, shaking my head and smiling. It took me a while to notice a camera had been placed behind Josh at the audience where we were standing. I ducked back further behind the crowd just as Josh got to his feet in anger and Shaun yelled ‘Cut’.

Josh stayed behind to talk to Shaun and Tom, who’d appeared dressed in a black polo and trousers, whilst the rest of the band vanished to presumably get changed again. Deciding to stay back and out of the way I started up a conversation with Mia and Harry who I could tell were getting bored now.

Shaun turned to us a moment later though.

“Right everyone, the time I think you’ve all been waiting for, we’re almost done I swear and we’re going to need you all to go mental under my say so. The band and some of the crew are going to destroy the set by ripping and tearing it apart. We’ll shoot all of you first so you can leave if you wish.”

I stayed well out of shot whilst everyone else more willing got really rallied up, yelling abuse at a laughing Josh and Max, who’d reappeared dressed the same as Tom. These two were probably best for the job shouting behind the cameras back at their hometown friends.

Pleased with everyone’s enthusiasm, he dismissed the audience if they wanted to go but to be quiet and patient if they stayed. About half of the people left, the majority who stayed were really close friends or girls who stood in small groups. My St Albans friends had to stay because I wanted to but I couldn’t take their sulking anymore by the time Shaun had lined up some stunt for Max to do. We all got to our feet and headed to the back. Alice stayed as she was staying at Matt’s tonight. I got some real stinkers from a group of girls I passed, people I really didn’t recognise. Clenching my jaw I walked past. Harry passed the door to me which I held open for myself, pausing to look over my shoulder at the band. Chris and Josh were watching me. I gave him a smile which he returned half heartedly, looking a little disappointed and downcast.

***

“Alice I’m really sorry,” I muttered, gently rubbing her back in circles as she leant forwards sniffling into one of my pillows. She just coughed and took a shaky breath.

“He’s a complete dick,” Lacey said bluntly but her eyes did look concerned. I shot her a warning look as this caused Alice to moan and sink her head further into the pillow. None of us understood what had happened, they’d been so happy together.

“What?” Lacey asked indignantly but I just shook my head.

“You’ll be okay, you’ve got all of us,” Mia said, crawling up to sit on the other side of her. Alice gave a weak teary smile.

“And Ben and Jerry’s,” Sophie said, passing the giant pot over to us. I laughed, taking one of the spoons and taking a large scoop.

“Everything’s better with Ben and Jerry’s.”

“And don’t a sneaky bit of white,” Grace added, uncorking a fresh bottle of white wine. We finally managed to make Alice smile properly after a sip or two and a stomach full of ice cream.

Lacey and I snuck out the back for a quick cigarette and a chat.

“So did Josh say what happened properly? It’s too hard to get anything out between her incoherent noises,” she muttered, staring out into my dark back garden.

“No, I haven’t really spoken to him much about it, it’s sort of a tender subject. He can’t go blagging on his best mate to his ex’s best mate,” I said, sound much more confusing than I intended.

Lacey’s eyes just widened as her foot tapped rapidly. She let out a long breath lost in what I presumed was thought.

It had been completely out of the blue. Alice had sent me a text asking if she could come over this morning and I agreed, confused. She’d turned up an absolute mess on my doorstep. Completely baffled I’d called the rest of the girls for a sleepover to try and sort this mess out. Alice had managed to get out that Matt had broken up with her.

I’d only had the chance to text Josh to see what had happened but his response hadn’t been helpful. He didn’t really know what was going on and he hadn’t spoken to Matt at the time. I had a text later saying it wasn’t his place to say and Alice’d surely tell us anyway.

From what we could work out, he’d broken up with her because of the distance issue and the inability to see each other as regularly as they could. I thought it was utter bullshit because I’d survived in a relationship like that for longer than those two. Unfortunately it had started a brand new train of thought about how much better their relationship had been and it had been unsuccessful. Was my own relationship really working? I love Josh to pieces but the thought of me holding him back seems to have planted itself in my mind.

Lacey distracted me.

“Come on, I’m freezing, let’s go see if we can get anymore out of her.”

Alice seemed to have calmed down when we got back to my room. She was retelling her tale of how she had a weird phone call off Matt this morning.

“It’s for the best Al,” Lacey said in a slightly crooning voice. “Maybe he’s an utter dick unable to have a long distance relationship to hold him down.”

My mind stirred stressfully again as I glared at her.

“He’s a young lad in a ba- OW!”

Grace had elbowed her in the side.

“What?!”

She just stared at her meaningfully.

“What?” Alice said in her choked voice. “What?!”

“He wouldn’t cheat,” I said bluntly to the two exchanging glances. “He’s not like that.”

The room fell silent and I seethed at the snipe at one of my friends. Matt Barnes would never intentionally do that to a girl. Still... I hadn’t expected this with Alice. I shook myself mentally and grabbed more wine.

We settled down for the night, all except Grace and Lacey who were browsing Facebook.

I couldn’t sleep very well. My head was all over the place. It felt constantly alert these days and I was really suffering for it, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten a good night sleep. My own relationship with Josh had surfaced to the front of my head again and my own internal struggles caused my head to ache. It must have been about two in the morning when I heard an intake of breath and a “What the fuck?”

I sat up on my elbows, squinting at the bright light across my room. Grace and Lacey were still up on my laptop.

Grace’s eyes were locked on the screen whilst Lacey’s found mine.

“S’up?” I whispered, rubbing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose.

“You might want to see this,” she said, lifting her chin in a jerk for me to come over.

“What?” I groaned, climbing to my feet unsteadily. Grace lifted the laptop up and I took it, rest it on one arm. It took me several seconds to adjust to the bright light.

The girls were on some kind of forum titled ‘Punktastic’. I caught key words like ‘You Me At Six’ and the guys names and most interestingly ‘Blonde bitch’.

“What is this?” I asked, not really taking it in. I set the laptop down on my desk and sat in my chair trying to focus on the words.

My heart fell into my stomach as the words finally sunk in.

I was reading a fan forum about the band, this particular thread was about their recent shows. Someone had commented about how the band had let a load of fans backstage after their shows. One was even bragging about it. They didn’t do this. One line really stung deep.

‘Yeah, I saw Josh get off with like five different girls that night, lolz’.

They then went to talk about he was welcome in their bed any night.

Someone seemed to pose a question about me, which caught me off guard.

‘Isn’t he dating some blonde girl?’

‘Yeah lucky blonde biaaatch!’

‘She’s from my hometown she’s cheated on him loads!!!’

I just stared blankly at the screen. My mind was racing over my pounding heart. What the actual fuck?

Lacey was leaning over my shoulder, scrolling through what I had just read. She began clicking through various threads as I just stared, horrified, at the screen. She found another comment.

‘There was this one girl all over him after the Plymouth show. I thought it was his gf because she was blonde but hers was much brighter and longer! They disappeared into a backroom at one point.”

Zoe. That had to be Zoe. She’d been going on about how she’d gone to visit the Plymouth show! I slammed my laptop shut, almost catching Lacey’s hand. I bit the inside of my lip extremely hard, determined not to cry. I stormed ungracefully out of the room and into the kitchen where I started pacing back and for.

“Jase don’t believe any of that!” Grace pleaded as she skidded into the room. Lacey followed moodily behind her. “It’s a load of shit that jealous fans have made up!”

“Yeah that’s what I thought too,” I hissed finally coming to a stop to face them. “Until that comment about the blonde at Plymouth, that was Zoe, I know it was. Fans can make up any shit about themselves to their hearts content but some sad little part of me believes the Zoe one!” I was struggling to keep my voice down as my voice strained. I took a shuddering breath and rested my head on my counter, trying to calm myself.

Lacey was surprisingly quiet.

“I don’t think he’d do that Jase,” Grace muttered.

“Me either, but she would,” I spat. “And he hasn’t said anything to me!”

***

When I crossed over the threshold of Max Helyer’s house everything felt so completely wrong compared to a year ago. For the first time ever I felt wrong there, like I was an outsider, like I didn’t belong. I tugged on the hem of my blouse uncomfortably as either people like Dan and Emily ignored my existence all together or cast me burning glowers. Unable to take any more negative emotion and spurred on with the heartache of my loss of my best friend I stormed up to Emily demanding a word with her.

I saw her jaw clench and she took a sharp breath through her nose in contemplation. There must have been something in my face because she yielded and followed me back out the front door.

“Em, you have no idea how sorry I am,” I blurted as one long word, closing my eyes and closing my hands into fists. I took three steadying breaths before I opened my eyes again. “I am so, so, so, sorry.”

She just stared at me, looking alarmed.

“I’ve been the world’s most stuck up ignorant bitch in the whole world and I haven’t really thought about anyone but myself these past few months. I’ve let everyone I’ve left behind down and you’re the absolute last person I wanted to upset. Emily, I miss my best friend.” I could feel the tears clutching at my words and I took another shaky breath. “I know I haven’t acted like it and I haven’t made the sufficient effort to keep up with my hometown friends. I’ve been too much of a prat to do anything about it sooner because all my focus has been in the wrong places and my head is shoved too far up my own arse.”

She looked absolutely stunned. Any inkling of dislike was absent from her face. Her eyes were softening, her jaw loosened and I swear I could see a certain dampness to her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but Josh came across at that moment. His arms slung heavily over my shoulders and I let out a long, heart sinking sigh.

“There’s my two favourite ladies.”

It took Emily a few seconds to draw her gaze from me and she blinked rapidly.

“Hi Josh.”

“You alright? I didn’t know you were coming tonight,” he said, clutching me a bit closer to his side so I shrugged him off, my head foggy.

All three of us paused at the gesture and I kept my eyes away from his.

“Uhh... Yeah, no, I wasn’t going to but who can say no to Max when he begs?” There was a flicker of concern as she observed the two of us. “How’s the ankle?”

“Better thanks,” he replied and I glanced down at his feet.

“What happened?!” I demanded.

“I fell over during the ‘Truth Is A Terrible Thing’ a couple of days ago,” he said with ease. He hadn’t told me this either. I just stared at him horrified.

“Was quiet funny actually until they called the paramedics in,” Emily said in a voice that lacked humour. ““Umm... I better go find Max actually. See you two later, thanks Jase by the way, nice to see you again.” She flashed me the warmest smile I’d seen from her in months.

“Patch things up?” he asked, watching her walk away.

“I hope so,” I said.

“Nice to see you,” he said after a moment, slipping his arms around my waist and pulling me closer to him, leaning down to give me a kiss. I almost lost myself in the moment but pushed myself free before his lips touched mine. I was still furious. I hadn’t spoken to him about what I’d read yet because this wasn’t an argument I’d wanted over the phone. Athina had invited me down so unfortunately it was the best time to talk in the worst setting.

“What’s wrong?” he asked completely confused, the disappointment etched on his face. I stared at his face long and hard for a few moments, chewing the inside of my lips.

“Can we go round the side?” I asked quietly and his face completely fell. Looking down I led him around the side of Max’s house between his and the next. We’d come round here to rekindle our friendship after Josh had written ‘The Liar and the Lighter’.

It was dark but the streetlamps cast a harsh unnatural glow on our faces, catching the wrong shadows. I really didn’t know where to start.

Josh stepped towards me and I took one back instinctively. He stared at me, worry dominating his face.

“Josh I need the honest truth, no matter how horrible it is okay?” He opened his mouth to speak but I cut across. “Is there anything between you and Zoe?”

He actually laughed, his face relaxing as he took another step forwards. I took one back, frowning.

“You can’t be serious Jase? Where the hell did that come from?”

“People saw you, at the Plymouth show. Even if nothing happened, apparently she was all over you and you didn’t tell me anything!”

His smiled faded now.

“Nothing did happen Jase, Zoe and I are frien- Wha- Where are you getting this information? What people?”

My cheeks flushed but I held my stern gaze.

“Fans.”

“Excuse me?” he asked, his tone darkening now.

“Fans. There’s a million threads on this website, ‘Punktastic’,” I spat the word. “Or something. There’s all these accounts of you getting off with different girls, the most notable of one matching Zoe’s description.”

“And you’re actually believing what you’re reading online?!” he was becoming angry now. “From people who know nothing about me?”

“You believed everything everyone was saying about Alex and I,” I muttered.

“But they were arrogant twats trying to split us up!”

“What and your little fans wouldn’t do that?”

“What are you doing here Jase? Looking for reasons to start arguing? This is bull shit. There is nothing going on between Zoe and I or anyone else in the world,” he said darkly, moving towards me but trying to get around me. I moved out of his way. “And what? You’re too afraid to touch me now? Do I actually repulse you now Jasey?”

“What? No of course no-”

“When was the last time you kissed me properly? Held my hand? When was the last time we had...” he trailed off realising how loud his voice had gotten and turned his face away from the light streaming into our gap.

“The occasion’s never come up!” I defended. “We’ve never been... There’s been no... heat.”

There was a painful silence between us. I didn’t dare look at his face.

“The last time we were even remotely close to acting like a proper couple you had to have a few drinks in you,” he said in a shaking voice, trying to contain his emotions.

I stared guiltily at the brick wall.

“Acting like a proper couple,” I repeated more to myself than to him.

“There’s always something in the way,” he murmured. “You and your school work or your new friend-”

“Or your band,” I defended quickly. We stared at each other, each assessing the other carefully.

Finally the words were sinking in. The months of hardship and pain were building to this moment. Neither of us could achieve what we wanted because we were holding each other down. We loved each other but... what if that wasn’t enough? The feeling in my gut wasn’t jealousy or hatred anymore it was just pure guilt. I knew I couldn’t keep this up. There was no way this relationship could help either of us. But I couldn’t let him go.

Every fibre in my body started shake as my heart slipped into my stomach. My throat went dry as my eyes misted over. Josh could see what was happening and his eyes widened, his mouth fell apart as he shook his head.

“Maybe... maybe... maybe we should... should go on a break or something.” I wet my lips and chewed hard on the inside. “I just... I just need to clear my head or something.”

Several emotions crossed over his face. I saw the initial pain, the despair, the heartbreak but then I saw the anger, then there was nothing but darkness. He shook his head, chewing on the inside of his lip like I was.

“No, fuck this, if you don’t want to be with me Jase just say, I’ve had enough stringing along from you to last me a fucking lifetime.” His eyes were cast in shadow. He looked dangerous.

I shuddered, determined not to break where I stood.

“Fine. We’re over.”