Dependent on Life.

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you’ve done
Forgive all your mistakes
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won’t be there
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit
Sometimes I just want to his cause it’s you I miss
You know it’s so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how that
I’ve missed you since you’ve been away
Oh, It’s dangerous
It’s so out of line to try to turn back time
I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do
And I’ve hurt myself
By hurting you.

That song always got to me but today it held extra meaning, today was my mother’s birthday she’d be 28 today.
I looked at the letter in my hand, it was time to read one of them for once...I had to stop running and face the fact mom was never coming back, it was time to accept it...even if I don’t want too.

I carefully peeled open the letter and I was instantly hit with the smell of lavender, it seemed to her favourite fragrance she always smelled like lavender, I pulled the letter to have something drop into my lap as I sat at the edge of the pier I grabbed it and it was a small picture of mom and a boy with black hair and a tattoo sleeve around mom’s shoulder as she laughed, she looked so happy.

I put the picture back into the envelope and opened the letter that was neatly folded.


13-10- 2000.
Jasmine, I know all my other letters are about how I want you to forgive me for the things I did and choices I made but today I think I might tell you about my past, I know in a few letters I have written about some people that being Johnny, Val, Michelle and Zacky but you need to know about all of it not just bits and pieces so from here on out I am going to tell you about my past whether it be gruesome or heartbreaking you need to know.

It all started when I was 15, I started to fall for my best friend whose name I cannot mention because it breaks my heart.

Yes I loved him, I still do to this day. Anyway...my best friend we’ll call him..bob. Bob had just come back from his vacation and it was summer break, he said he was going home and I chased after him telling him my feelings for him, he told me his back after that night we were a couple but not everyone was very happy about us being a couple.

There was a girl name Jenny Miles and a guy Tyler Summers, they hated me and bob so much that they tried to slipt us apart they did everyone to get us to break up and at one point we were broken up and it was the most painful time for me and I assume for bob as well, Jenny Miles had tried to be friend me and me being the forgiving type I became friends with her thinking she was just jealous but I was wrong Jenny wanted to ruin my life on my 16th birthday she decided it would be fun to have Tyler rape me, bob had and probably still has no knowledge of this happening no one really does...

I had a fight with Jenny the next day and we became enemies and she went back to ruining my life, not only was school life bad but my home life was just as horrible my father wasn’t the loving type he’d beat me up if I stepped a toe out of line, he is one reason why I couldn’t stay in Huntington.

Anyway me and bob had gotten back together after he jumped the pier to save my from killing myself, he could of die but he still jumped in after me. Bob and I had gone to hell and back not to mention he was my lover..yes bob is your father..I left after I found out I became pregnant, he wouldn’t have wanted to become a father at the age of 16, he doesn’t know about you..I didn’t tell him or any of my friends except Val who gave me all of the money she saved up from working to give to me to buy an apartment.

I never wanted Val to be the one to keep a secret this big, because everyone had presumed I was dead but she has had to live with the secret knowing I’m still alive, although I haven’t seen her since I was 17 I know she will keep my secret until the time comes to tell everyone thats why she is my best friend.

Enough about that..more on the subject of Bob.

Bob is the crazy type, daring, funny, so damn loveable, always smiling and cracking jokes, scaring kids that are shorter than him. Bob was everything I could ask for, he is the meaning to the word perfection. He was my best friend and the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but I don’t want you to blame yourself baby girl, none of this was your fault.
Know that if bob was to be a part of your life he would love you, you’d be his little princess, the one he would want to protect.

Don’t be mad at your father.. you should be mad with me, you should hate me..yet you don’t you and I don’t understand why.
So please don’t hate you’re father honey, he has no knowledge that he has a daughter so don’t be mad at him please..blame me for the wrong I’ve done. I take the responsibility.
But remember who you are.. I love you Jasmine Mae Stone.

Love your mother, Mariah Talaya Stone ..I’m always with you honey. Xoxo

I . Hate. Jenny. Miles.

I Hate Jenny Miles. It’s simple. I fucking hate Jenny Miles!

If I ever see you her again I just might have to-.

‘Jasmine?’ Her voice made me want to throw her over the railing of the pier made me want to drown her. I shoved the letter into my bag and picked myself from the ground turning to see none other than Jenny fucking Miles standing there with her stupid ass grin and fancy looking clothes, who the hell does she thinks she is? The Queen? HA!

‘Jasmine dear it’s so good to see you again!’ Her fake ass voice said

I rolled my eyes and looked at her. ‘Go to Hell Jenny.’ I spat shoving past her but her arm stopped me.
‘What did you say?’ Her voice went from fake posh bitch to angry posh bitch.
‘Go to Hell Jenny, let go of my arm before I make a permanent adjustment to your face!’ I yelled getting looks from people passing by, then I saw two men that were about to save me from hell. ‘Uncle Brian? Uncle Zacky?’ I yelled and they turned around going wide eyed when they saw me.

‘Jasmine! What are you doing out of school?’ Uncle Zacky raised an eyebrow.
‘And most importantly why is posh bitch here holding your arm?’ Uncle Brian pointed to my now red arm.

I looked down noticing that her names were digging into my skin causing blood to come out a little I hadn’t even felt her holding me that hard, so I dropped my bag to the drop and look at my Uncles before looking at Jenny and pulling my free arm back and using as much force as I could punch Jenny straight in the face.

She let go of my arm and fell backwards, holding her now broken nose. I smirked picking up my bag and swinging it over my shoulder, I thought “Hey she’s had enough leave her with her broken nose” but she didn’t seem to get the message that I didn’t want her touching me because she grabbed my arm once again and I was about to swing when I presumed it to be Uncle Zacky grabbed my arm giving Jenny plenty of time to hit me in the throat, Uncle Zee let me go in shock and I threw myself at Jenny and started to swing at her.

I didn’t particularly care where I got her as long as my anger was being vented but I noticed I was just becoming more mad at the thought of my mother and what she did. I stopped for a split second and she got my in the lip, I fell off of her and on my back, Uncle Zacky picked me up, while Uncle Brian held on to Jenny as she went crazy in his grip.

A second later...Uncle Brian was on the floor holding both his lip and private area..Jenny got loose from his grip and she kneed him in the balls and punch him in the face then running before I had time to react, I was sitting beside uncle Brian as he cried in pain he kept saying something along the lines of “History just keeps repeating itself!”

‘Jasmine honey are you alright?’ Uncle Zacky asked lifting me to my feet and grabbing my bag.
‘Yeah..no...I don’t know!’ I huffed as he wrapped his arms around me.
‘It’s okay sweetie, I’ve got you let it out.’ As soon as those words left his mouth the tears started to fall I couldn’t help it, it was like he was my saviour at that moment the angel in disguise... I held on tight to him as we walked, I could barely see where I was going and fell out of his arms and straight to the ground scraping my knee in the process.

‘Son of a bitch!’ I screamed picking myself up, I looked down at my knee it was grazed pretty bad.
‘Oh shit, Jasmine I’m sorry I was looking for my keys and looked away from a second I swear..’ Uncle Zacky said with the saddest voice.
‘I-it’s okay, can we go home now?’ I whispered trying to walk but failed so I stood still looking down at my knee.
‘Of course sweetie come here.’ Uncle Zacky lifted me into his arms and began walking back to the car.

I sat in the back of Uncle Brian’s silver sedan, while he drove home in a crazy manner, worse than dad’s driving it made me want to throw up the food that was in my stomach but I held in the thought of vomiting and let the cool wind hit my cheeks but the air stung my lip so I rolled up the window and listened to Uncle Zacky and Uncle Brian talking.

‘So do you want to break the news to her or should I?’ Uncle Zacky said.
‘She’s my sister in-law I should do it, I haven’t even told Michelle yet maybe we should call Val over? It would help us all?’ Brian looked back at me and smiled. ‘I know it would, what do you think Jasmine you want to invite Aunt Val over for dinner?’

I didn’t notice we stopped or that we were home until both my uncles got out of the car.
‘Yeah sure I’ll c- AGH! Fuuu!-’ I cut myself off from finishing my sentence so I didn’t swear in front of them, I was about to drop to the floor but Uncle Zacky caught and gave me a sad smile.

‘We should get you cleaned up sweetheart then you can call Val..but try not to mention anything to her okay? I don’t something bad happening and we aren’t there to stop her from going mad.’ Uncle Zacky lifted me inside and I saw dad and Uncle smile but then that smile was ripped from their faces as they saw me, dad jumped up from his seat and was at my side in seconds.

‘What the Fuck happened? Wait..a-..it’s only lunch time?’ Dad noticed I had skipped school. ‘Did something happen at school honey?’

Uncle Zacky set me down on the bench in the kitchen as Uncle Johnny rushed around for band aids and such, while the three men were rushing around the room Dad looked at me with a knowing and sad look.

I wasn’t used to getting these sad looks from people so seeing dad look at me like that I didn’t know how to react or what I should do, I mean since I was nine I’ve had to deal with abuse both physical and verbal how can people just expect me to adjust so quickly?
‘Baby girl, what happened?’ Dad brushed the hair out of my face.
‘I-I..I’m fine dad..I just fell over.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Honey if you fell how do you end up with a busted lip and black eye huh?’
My eyes went wide. ‘I HAVE A BLACK EYE!? THAT BITCH!’
‘WOAH WOAH WHOSE A BITCH I’M SO CONFUSED!’ Dad shouted at no one in particular.
‘Jenny Miles..’ Uncle Brian and Zacky said at the same time and I just looked at dad’s facial expression change.

He went from confused to beyond furious, but I could tell he was trying to keep his cool because he put on a fake smile and started to clean me up.
‘Dad, if you’re mad at me for skipping school I understand.’

‘It’s cute how you’d think I’d be mad about something like that, I used to skip school all the time and get into fights with people so no I’m not mad about that as long as you have a good reason then I’m cool with it...oh no smoking.’

‘You’re the best you know that?’ I smiled well kind of, it stung to move my lip.
‘Well I’ve been told that once or twice before..but it means a lot coming from you honey. Now how about you tell me what the hell happened because I know for a fact you wouldn’t let someone just “trip” you over like that.’
‘Do you want to tell him or should I?’ Uncle Zacky said.

‘It’s okay, I think I can manage thanks though.’ I smiled and Uncle Zacky, Brian and Johnny sat down waiting for me to continue.
‘Okay so.. it all started when I got to school..uh Lucas said that Xavier wanted to be friends with me and before you say anything no I’m not friends with the guy, anyway he tried to apologize and invite me to a party I again said no.

I was going to class after both Xavier and Lucas pissed me off and ran into that girl Amie..she uh..she saw one of mom’s letters and said something I got mad and had her up against a locker..anyway uh at lunch time I message uncle Johnny to see if he put the letter in my book by accident..but he said he hadn’t read that letter yet so I mustn’t have given it to him..

I was planning on going to the library to read it but I again ran into Amie and the worse thing is she had hot nachos for lunch and guess who now has nachos a part of her clothes! ME!’ I said with fake happiness.

‘She tried to apologize, like sincerely but I just left and went to the pier where I-I...read mom’s letter and guess who it was about Jenny Miles..then fate decides to make my life suck even more but making Jenny show up at the pier trying to talk to me, but I told her to go to hell she didn’t like that very much and I threatened her and she didn’t like that either haha!’ I actually began to laugh I didn’t even understand why the hell I was laughing like a manic but I was and I’m sure dad was looking at me weird.

‘Mum told me what happened to her on her 16th birthday, so when I looked at Jenny I punched her in the face and she didn’t like that so she hit me back and then we got into a fight then I fell over when Uncle Zacky, Uncle Brian who might I say got hit in the balls by Jenny anyway I tripped and that how we got here! Isn’t that great!’ Hot tears fell from my eyes like a waterfall and I jumped off the counter and limped away towards the stairs but Uncle Brian stopped me and wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up taking me back to dad who stood there still in shock. I struggled against their grip as dad was holding me in his arms.

‘Let m-me go-o.’ I cried tried to push his arm off of me but he gripped me tighter.
‘No, sweetie stop fighting it, I’ve got you baby let it go.’ Dad whispered I kept struggling.
‘I can’t!’ I stopped moving and dropped to the floor but dad caught me and me in his arms on the kitchen floor while I was sitting here crying my eyes out like a baby for a reason I don’t even know!

What the hell is wrong with me?!

---

I don’t know how long I’d been asleep for but I heard yelling downstairs and decided to check what was going on, I slowly got out of bed I don’t even remember how I got into bed or how I got into my pj’s...My leg didn’t feel as bad as before and my lip was a little bit better but it still stung.

I walked down the steps to see Dad crying hysterically and none other than Jenny Miles standing in my kitchen while Aunt Val was being held back by Uncle Matt and then Michelle comes out of nowhere with a fry pan and threw it Uncle Johnny ducked and Uncle Zacky grabbed Jenny and Michelle was grabbed by Uncle Brian.

‘You bitch Jenny you knew all along what he did to her and yet you went on with your life like nothing happened!’ Val screamed.
‘Oh Val shut the fuck up.’ Jenny laughed and walked closer to dad putting her hand on his shoulder but he jumped up.
‘Don’t fucking touch, you lying whore! Get out of my house!’ Dad yelled.
‘But Baby..’ Jenny faked pouted.

‘What’s going on here?’ I yelled and everyone turned to me.
‘Jasmine sweetie go up stairs we-’

‘No I want to know what the hell she’s doing here? Trying to crawl your way back into their lives Jenny? Get it through your head that no one, NO ONE wants you around! They don’t want to be your friend, they wouldn’t even dream of calling you a friend after what you did to my mom so get your ass out of this house before I call the damn cops!’ I yelled throwing her bag that was on the table at her and she gasped and went to jump at me but Zacky was holding her back.

‘Come Jenny, jump at a 16 year old girl bash the shit of out her that will help you a whole lot! Come on let’s go I’m sure my mother would have loved to kick your ass again! So I will take pleasure in doing it for her.’ I stepped closer to her and she jumped front but I had her on the floor within seconds, she kept struggling so I picked her up and threw her at the wall but Dad grabbed me and pulled me back holding me in his arms I didn’t fight it I held him close.

‘Matt, Zacky go.’ Brian said as Uncle Zacky and Matt picked up Jenny and took her outside, Dad was still crying and held me tight. ‘Jasmine are you alright?’
‘Yeah Uncle Brian I’m fine.’ I smiled and looked at dad. ‘Dad..why are you crying?’

‘She told me..what she did to Talaya..I should have been there!’ Dad cried harder and I looked up into his eyes as he looked at me. ‘I’m sorry princess, I’m really sorry.’
‘For what dad?’

‘For not stopping your mother.’ He paused and looked down at me. ‘I could have stopped her.’
‘Dad, look at me you had no way of knowing..stop blaming yourself, because blaming yourself will get you nowhere.’ I turned to look at Uncle Brian and Aunt Michelle smiling at me, I turned back to dad and put both my hands to his cheeks brushing away the tears that touched his skin.

‘She wants us to be happy, so let’s be happy dad.’ I wrapped my arms around him and he breathed out softly.
‘Let’s go to bed sweetie, you have school tomorrow.’ Dad lifted me onto his back. ‘Goodnight guys, and thank you...I love you guys.’

After saying goodnight to everyone me and dad went up stairs., We were laying in my bed and he was telling me about the time him and mom had stolen from a store and dad got caught and made mom run for it, the way he spoke about her it sounded like they were still together, like she was still here...and she was is.

‘Goodnight baby girl.’ Dad kissed my forehead.
‘Goodnight dad, I love you..’ I whispered.
‘I love you too Mae..you’re my little princess.’ He smiled and shut my door and for once I felt safe, like I belonged. Then I realized something, dad was the boy in the picture he was “Bob” anybody else would have figured it out within in seconds but me no I’m slow...

I shot out of bed and busted through dad’s door and he jumped off the bed and fell onto the floor.
‘Shit Mae! Want to give me hurt attack baby? Whats wrong?’
‘Yo-you’re you! You..’ was all I could manage to say.
‘Well yes I’m me honey why wouldn’t I be me?’ He got up and walked to my side looking at me completely confused.

Before I could respond I ran out of his room and back into mine grabbing the letter from my bag and the picture I turned to ran back into his room but I ran straight into dad and fell on the floor I got straight back up and handed him the letter he looked confused.

‘Dad just read it..I’m going to bed I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh and I was wondering could I go to the party with Lucas? It’s a big deal to him...’ I smiled.
‘If something happens to you I’m going to kill Xavier.’ He said seriously.
‘Shouldn’t it be Lucas?’
‘No honey, Lucas isn’t the one I want to be killing.’ He waved the letter and smiled a little. ‘I'm going to go read this, Goodnight my little princess.’