I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I stop myself from running. I've started sprinting but I have forced myself to a halt. I watch John chase after Dani.

I watch Dani run her way back to the bus, and I stay still.

John gains on her and soon enough, Dani's wrist is trapped in his grip.

And anyone can tell by the way Dani tries to shake John off that she didn't want to be held by him by any means, anyway, anytime. But she really had no choice.

And then John and Dani start bickering. And it scares me to see that fury in Dani's eyes. The kind I only see when she's bickering with me.

Only this time, I'm watching it unfold from a different point of view.

I can see they're both getting impatient.

John throws his hands up as he turns away from her. Seeing me, he wads his finger to signal me to go to him.

I roll my eyes and prepare myself for an earful from John.

"Listen up, Riannon, you and Daniella have some serious issues."

"I can hear you." Dani groans as she folds her arms in front of her chest.

John grabs my wrist and aggressively makes me stand right beside him. His eyes dart from me, to Dani, then to me again, then to Dani again.

We stand here for a minute watching John's eyes lurk back and forth between me and Dani.

Out of nowhere, Dani and I sputter out "What?!" at the same time.

John almost laughs but he realizes it's not a good time.

I shake my head at Dani, really thinking that we should stop doing that, as I turn to John. "What is it, John?"

"And did you just call me Daniella? What the hell--"

"Let John talk, God damn it, Dani!" I cut her off.

I myself don't really want to hear what John has to say but if I have to choose, I'd pick John's voice over hers.

John's expression, even though he tries hard to mask it, lets me know that he thought the same way. That he knew that I didn't want to hear from him either but I'd pick him over her.

"What are you even doing, John, you don't know us. Where do you get off thinking you can help Iann and me, there is no fixing this!"

"Dani--"

"Riannon is a bitch, John, she's fucking stubborn, and if she didn't listen to me, she wouldn't listen to anyone else! That bitch--"

"Daniella, stop calling your sister a bitch!" John cuts her off.

Dani silences and I think I know why. She wouldn't take orders from John.

But you know who she'd take orders from?

Dad.

It's the memory that John's words have triggered, not the words themselves, that make Dani shut her mouth.

That one time during breakfast. We were.. 7.. Maybe 8 years old. I was getting Dad his orange juice from the fridge and it slipped and it spilled all over the kitchen floor. I started crying because I just wanted to get Dad some orange juice and I ended up making a mess Mom was going to have to clean.

Then Dani started calling me a wuss over and over and it made my crying worse so Dad scolded her saying "Daniella, stop calling your sister a wuss!"

That exact tone, at which part of the sentence there's intonation..

That's how Dad said it and I can't believe John was able to recreate that.

We all grew up, I guess. Wuss becomes bitch, whines become curses, and damn just becomes plain old fuck.

But it still isn't understandable how John is getting to both of us this way.

I look at Dani, who is getting over John's scolding.

When she rolls her eyes, tears start spilling out. "John, can we just stop this?! You don't know me, you don't know Iann--"

"I know Iann--"

Dani cuts him off. "Yeah?! You know Iann?! I'm not even gonna ask how you know her, I'm just gonna ask you-- How well do you think you know her?! She's--"

"I know her well enough to know that you're being unfair!" John replies furiously. "You're not just being unfair to Iann, Dani, you're being unfair to everyone else in that bus! You ran away, Dani, were we not supposed to worry?! Garrett was worried out of his fucking mind, do you know that?! And Pat thought it was his fault! And--"

"John," I grab his hand and just hold it. "Stop."

He sighs, relieved I actually stopped him. We both knew if he kept going, he was going to say something seriously hurtful and no one wants that.

Also, if anyone was going to make Dani cry, it was going to be me.

"I'm just saying that you need to talk to someone." John shakes my hand off.

"I would but I don't have a sister anymore." Dani mumbles as she walks onto the bus again.

Why would she say that though? I was never someone for her to talk to. It was always Mom. And when she was gone, it was never me. I have no idea why she's thinking that.

I turn to John now. "John, what did you have to do that for," I make him look at me by tracing my fingers on his jaw. "What was that about?"

"She was just being unfair."

"And what you said.. John.. I'm sorry, but.. You don't know me. Whatever perception you have of me in your head,"

"Iann, please stop lying to yourself. You need Dani--"

"No, I don't. I don't, John. And even if I do, you wouldn't know--"

"But you did. You may not need her now, but you did need her."

"What?"

"It was the way you talked about her."

"John--"

"Yeah, you may or may not remember it but I would never forget how you talked about her. We were dancing and you were telling me about random things about how big a shithole high school was for you, your parents, and then when you started talking about your sister you started crying and I didn't know what to do and you kept crying--"

"John--"

"And you had no idea how much I just wanted to make the pain go away so I made you drink whatever was in the cups just so you'd forget about it--"

"John, we're not supposed to be talking about this right now!" I almost yell. "Not right here--"

"Fine, when and where do you even want to discuss this?!"

"Nowhere and never!" I start stomping away from him when someone grabs my hand.

I was so ready to turn around and slap him in the face when I thought it was John but realizing it was Andrew, I didn't do anything but let him hold me.

I am so mad at Dani. And I am so mad at John.

How dare he.

He "wanted to make the pain go away." Yeah, right. Explains why he fucked me then left me in the morning.

He's using my sadness as an excuse to have gotten me fucked up. How dare he!

How dare he mask up that night as something more than just him getting what he wanted! How could he even make up lies as atrocious as that?! And why would he spit them out right now?! It just doesn't make sense!

If he's on Dani's side, he's doing a really great job.

I don't ever want to remember anything from that night.

It's bad enough that my memory of it isn't even clear on it's own. I don't need John to make up stories to make it more vague to me than it already is.

Andrew has been following my raged offset and when I slow down, he asks me a question I terribly don't want to answer:

"What was John talking about?"

"Nothing-- Tell the guys we found Dani." I mumble.

Andrew nods and takes his phone out. He dials some and then waits for an answer.

While he does that, I find myself a curb to sit on.

It's just too much.

And I'm glad Andrew has to call whoever. I don't want him thinking about John.

I just told my best friends how my mom was practically bitching at me. I'm not ready to tell them anything else. I don't even think it's sunken in to any of them.

"Yeah, hey. We found Dani, she's in the bus now." Andrew says to his phone. "John found her." He looks at me. "Yeah, Iann's fine, she's with me. Yeah. If you see Nick, tell him to get back here asap. Yeah. Thanks, Garrett."

"That was Garrett?" I ask.

"Yeah," Andrew sits down next to me.

"He was asking about me?"

"Yup." Andrew affirms. "He was asking if you were okay,"

"Thanks for lying to him." I purse my lips.

"It's Garrett, he'll figure the truth out soon enough." Andrew chuckles.

And I giggle. What he said was more relevant than he thinks.

He gets back on his phone and makes a call to whoever else, I don't really bother trying to find out.

We sit out here and wait till everyone gets back to the bus.

Garrett's been running, obviously. He's the first one to make it back.

I'm not surprised.

He's climbing into the bus when he looks around. When he spots me, he doesn't enter. He pulls himself back and starts pacing to me.

"What do you want?" I ask before Garrett is even right in front of me.

"I want you to be okay." Garrett bends his knees so he's in eye level with me.

"Andrew said I was,"

"Yeah, he was lying."

"How could you tell,"

"I was just guessing, but now you don't look okay." Garrett shrugs. He reaches over to me and fixes my hair while he bites his lip. Then he says "You know, it's okay to cry."

"Pat told me that last night."

"I taught him that." He proudly grins as he withdraws from me. "I know things aren't looking up for you, but.. Hang in there. It's going to be okay. I mean it."

"You have no idea how in over my head I am, Garrett."

"But things are going to be okay." Garrett insists. "I mean it."

His eyes, they're blue. Like mine. But how is it possible to see warmth in something so icy? Or maybe that warmth isn't coming from his eyes. It's that smile he has on his face. The way his lips curve at a certain way.

And his choice of words isn't even the best, but I feel strangely reassured thanks to him.

"See, there we go." Garrett reaches over to me again and swipes a tear that's fallen without my knowledge. "It's okay to cry. You have great friends, Iann. They'll catch your tears when they fall, it's.. It's really okay to cry."

"Ew, Garrett, why are you so mushy," I punch him playfully in the arm.

Garrett laughs at me.

"I'm just tired of crying, I just told Nick about stuff--"

"Did you tell them about John?"

I shake my head and look beside me where Andrew is on his phone talking to whoever. I wonder if he's heard anything Garrett's been saying.

"Will you?"

"I don't know,"

"No pressure." Garrett smiles again.

"Get out of here and go help Dani out, she could use someone like you." I pat his arm.

"You'll be okay?"

"Yeah."

"You really do have great friends. I'm not kidding." he says as he gets up.

"I think I should've been figuring that out on my own, right?" I joke.

He doesn't laugh but he does smile in place. "You're alright, baby blue eyes."

"What did you just call me?" I ask, almost as reflex. I don't even recall thinking before I spat those words out.

He just shrugs, though. "I'll talk to you later." then he leaves before I even ask again.

"Halvo, you idiot, we're already at the bus perimeter, where did you and Nick look?" Andrew hisses to his phone. "You're lost?! Are you kidding me?! Yeah, we'll wait. God damn. Yeah. Okay. Bye."

I pout till Andrew turns to me again.

When he does, he says "They may have gotten a little lost. They'll be back soon, don't worry--"

"They're idiots--"

"Aw, you're crying again." Andrew states the obvious. He moves closer to me and starts wiping my tears off again. Out of nowhere, he says "Oh, hey, your eyes are blue."

"I've been told."

"No, it's just that when you're crying it's like they're bluer or something." Then his face gets all serious for a second, then he just cackles at himself as if shaking the thought that just entered his mind off.

I wonder about this for a second then he decides to just entertain my curiosity. "Baby blue. That's what color your eyes are right now, and most probably every time anyone's this near you."

"Your point,"

"Nick. He's always this near you."

"Your point?" I repeat.

"That--"

"Dude."

Andrew turns around when Halvo puts his hand on his back. "Apparently Nick knows his way around this place. Let's get back on the bus."

"Where's Nick?"

"On his way to the bus. He figured I should call you, so I did. Let's go." Halvo pats Andrew's back then he holds his hand out to me. He helps me up then we're on our way to the bus again.

A new thought's cramming itself in my head.

I blame Andrew.

Baby blue. Why does that color ring a bell so much?

I can't even think straight and this thing is forcing its way in my head.

"Nick. He's always this close to you." And? What is that supposed to mean?

God damn it, Andrew, if you're going to say something make sure you get it out there!

I don't need to be thinking about this! Stupid Andrew! This isn't supposed to be worrying me-- Ugh. Andrew.

As I walk into the front lounge, I can see Nick getting frantic as he picks Jay up.

"We left him alone, guys," Nick informs us. "We left him alone in the bus--"

"Well you left him the other night," I mumble.

"What?"

"Nothing." I force myself to say. This is not the right time to talk to Nick about that.

It almost seems as if there is no right time for anything these days.

But I let time pass by. I let my thoughts float around in my head. But I don't do anything because now is just not the right time.

Before I know it, I'm with Jay side stage A Rocket To The Moon and The Maine's show.

While A Rocket To The Moon's set is going on, one thought plays dominant in my head.

That thought Andrew shoved into my brain.

While they play they're playing this song. While the crowd sings along. While the lyrics get tethered with everything else in my head.

I can't find it in myself to put what I just realized into words.

Let's just say that I know why Garrett called me what he did earlier.