I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

"My brain just broke." Dani says as she rushes into the back lounge, her breaths heavy from the quick run.

Seeing that no one else is here, I start to think of what to reply with if she actually is directly speaking to me for the first time since our last fight.

Dani stands there as she thins her breaths out.

"It's a quarter to midnight," I inform her. "What broke your brain?"

"Garrett,"

"What about Garrett," I mumble, not really intending to be any interested. I'll just keep myself occupied and I'll respond to her because I'm polite as fuck. Besides, Garrett is my friend, or so he makes me feel, so I'll tolerate whatever this bitch has to tell me about him.

"I fell asleep in my bunk but I just woke up in his,"

"That's weird," I comment blankly, even though I do start wondering about it in my head. I guess it's normal for them to be sleeping together. Chances are they've already had sex in either one of their bunks. But the thought of Dani doing the deed, all the more with a friend of mine like Garrett, makes me sick. So I just stop thinking about it.

"Oh, fuck trying to talk to you." Dani spins on her heels and stomps away.

I know that I don't mean what I'm about to say, but I just can't help myself from blurting out anything I know would piss her off. "What, are you gonna go wake your pretty boyfriend up and tell him I was bitching at you again?"

"Stop. Calling. Garrett that!" she hisses, pausing before and after almost each word to make sure I listen.

"Why can't I call your pretty boyfriend what I'm calling him? Pretty boyfriend, pretty boyfriend, pretty--"

"Stop it!" she yells.

It's reminds me immediately of those small fights we had when we were 7. I would tease her about something, maybe something I insist she likes but actually disgusts her, by saying it over and over, and she would yell at me and try to make me stop. And I would stop right before she starts crying, because if I go beyond that, I'm going to get in trouble. As all 7-year-olds fight.

"Why, can't take--"

Before I even finish half of a good comeback, she cuts me off. "You're degrading him, you fucking shut up! At least he cares about me!"

I don't know what makes me respond with this, or what makes me respond this way, but I answer angrily. "Who said I don't care about you?!"

"Well, no one's saying you do!" she argues.

I'm about to say "Because I don't!" knowing that that's exactly what she doesn't want, but is expecting, to hear, when I burst out crying instead.

Soon enough, she follows and the next thing we know, we're watching each other cry uncontrollably.

"Why do you have to be such a bitch to me, I don't get it!" she cries. "Why is it that Garrett cares more about me than you do?! Why is it that he understands, why is it that he's there for me and you aren't?!"

"Because I'm not Garrett!" I yell back. "I'm not Garrett, Dani! I'm your fucking sister! You left him for three years and came back, but you never came back for me! You know what, fine! I'll admit it, I'm fucking jealous of Garrett--"

"Why the fuck would you be jealous of Garrett--"

"Because you came back for him! I don't know how long you and Garrett dated, I don't care! You've barely been with him and-- God! You left him for a while, but you came back for him! Heck, you followed him around and gave him the support he needed! But where the hell were you for me, Dani, where the hell were you?! You've been with me my entire life, Dani, and when college came along, you didn't think twice before leaving me--"

"You didn't think twice before letting me go! I was joking around when I said I wanted to go to college! Do you know how shitty high school was for me, Iann?! No, you don't! Because you didn't care at all! When I said I wanted to go, do you remember what your exact words were--"

Then I feel like I've just slapped myself when the afternoon rushes back to me.

We just graduated high school. But we didn't celebrate. We went to the ceremony, got our diplomas, and flew off in my car. Well, not really flew off. I just got my driving license then after a couple of months of the basics from my aunt. When we got home, we immediately changed out of our graduation clothes. Neither of us saw the significance, but since it was going to be the last thing we needed to do for and because of high school, we obliged.

She was making some unspoken-ly celebratory mac & cheese and I was by the sink washing my make-up off. Our aunt made us wear it. We didn't see the significance in it either, but since our aunt paid for our entire high school education, it was the least we could do. Though she barely paid attention during the ceremony, and when the ceremony ended, she gave us each an awkward hug and a clearly fake "I'm so proud of you both," and left.

I was wiping my face dry on a towel when Dani said "So we're out of high school. What do we do next?"

"Wait two.. Maybe three decades. Then die." I replied.

"How about college?" Dani suggested. I failed so recognize the humor in her voice then.

"No thanks,"

"What if I wanna go to college?"

"Then go on your own, I don't care."

"Then go on your own, I don't care." Dani mocks now.

"Well, who told you to take it seriously--"

"Well, no one told me not to!" she exclaims.

It's not like she doesn't have a good point. But she didn't need anyone to tell her what to do. She was old enough to know what was right and wrong, what was good and what wasn't for her.

It wouldn't matter if her argument was the best, if her point ended all wars and prevented famine, if her side of the story was the solution to every social and economical problem that existed in the world. Because she still left.

It's then I realize why being left by John stung so much. I've had it with being left.

And Dani knew it. She knew I couldn't be alone, not again, not after Dad died, but she left me anyway. Now, I don't even feel so bad because of John. It was okay that he left me. Because he didn't know me much then, and he didn't let me know him well enough for him to have meant something more to me than sex. Okay, I mean, if you compare it to how Dani just abandoned me.

They left me the same night. Well, technically, John left me at least around 12 hours later. But they left me at practically the same time. What I thought was pain was nothing. Because now that I realize this, I feel like I'm being butchered and somehow I'm still alive to feel every excruciating second of it.

Right now, I couldn't care less about what John did to me. But what Dani did, I think, I may never forgive.

"When you told me you were leaving for Phoenix, I didn't know I'd be following." I say. "I didn't know I was gonna be put in a fucking bus with you. What I did know was that you were so ready to leave me again before you even made me feel like you were back--"

"You didn't make me feel like you wanted me back! When I came back from college, you didn't talk to me, you didn't smile at me, heck, you didn't even act like I was around! It's like I was dead to you!"

"Because you were! You were dead to me! Like Mom was, like Dad was, because you weren't there for me either! And you told me you wanted to be there when Dad died. Well, I'll tell you right now, you were never there for me. And when Mom was hurting me, you didn't even stop to think that--"

"Well, I'm sorry!" Dani cuts me off. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" She looks like she's about to pass out now, and I have to fight the urge to get her a wet towel to put on her head. "I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry! I wanted to be there for you, did it ever occur to you that you weren't letting me?! Was it really all my fault?!"

"So now it's my fault that Dad, the only person who ever legitimately cared for me, died?!"

"This isn't about Dad!"

"Then what the hell is it about--"

"It's about me making you realize that I cared for you too--"

"Yeah, that's what John said, too!"

"What the fuck does John have anything to do with this--"

"Go back to sleep." I command, making her shut up, completely switching the mood. "Go back to sleep." Although the tension and sullenness between us is still here.

She stands there, staring at me, as if what I'd just said was completely irrelevant. And I guess it truly was out of the blue.

She can still stand this? Good for her. But I can't take it anymore.

"Didn't you hear me, Daniella, I told you to go back to sleep."

"Riannon--"

"Go back to sleep." I tell her for the nth time.

It's past 12 now.

Day 17.

"Go back to sleep." I say again. "Go. Back. To. Sleep."

"And what if I don't wake up?" Dani counters. "What if I don't wake up, would you be okay with that?"

"What the fuck are you saying--"

"Just what if I don't wake up, would you be okay with that?" she repeats. "Huh? Would you be okay with leaving things like this with me? Huh? Would you care that I'd take your calling me a bitch to the grave? Huh?"

"Go back to sleep, Daniella."

"No, Riannon."

"Fine." I walk up to her and push her aside, and I'm now making my way to the bunk area. I kneel down to what I know is Garrett's bunk and pull the curtains open. "Garrett, hey, Garrett," I say as I shake him up.

His eyes slowly flutter open. "Iann?"

"Hey."

"Where's Dani--"

"She woke up. Could you get her to go back to sleep,"

"I could try,"

"Thanks so much--"

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying," I lie. It's dark in here anyway, he couldn't tell.

"Yes, you are." Garrett reaches over to my face in the dark and he touches where he knows he'd find tears. "Are you okay?"

"I'm trying, Garrett." I say. "Please just get Dani to go back to sleep."

"Did you two fight?"

"Please get her to go back to sleep."

"Will you be okay?"

"Of course." I smile even though he wouldn't see.

He stumbles out of his bunk and we walk back into the front lounge.

We see Dani on one of the couches now, crying really hard. I'm really convinced that she could pass out any second. But I know Garrett can and will take care of her.

Garrett bends his knees to be in eye level with Dani. "Hey there,"

Dani tries to wipe her tears away when she realizes I've woken Garrett up and that he's trying to comfort her now.

Garrett shushes her and makes her hands fall away from her face. He raises up his own and starts wiping her tears off for her. "I love you."

Dani smiles weakly. "At least you do."

Garrett pushes himself up and kisses her forehead. He whispers something in her ear that makes Dani stop crying, that makes her utter out a giggle. Then he pulls away. "Come back to bed, we'll talk about it. Okay?"

Dani nods as her hand is taken by Garrett. They start to leave.

"You won't be alone." Garrett assures me.

After he's gone, he does send someone over to me to talk to.

Not long after, I just start crying again.

Before I know it, I'm done breaking down and I'm just sighing into his shirt, which is now covered in my sobs and a bit of my snot. "Thanks, Kennedy."