I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

"I know." Dani sighs after I wait a minute for her to react. "I know." she lets out a light laugh. "And you know I'm not stupid enough not to have figured it out."

"How'd you tell?" I ask calmly.

"He has your really jittery disposition," she says as she eyes Jay. "Also, he has your eyelashes,"

"Our." I correct.

She bites her lip. "Is he Nick's?"

"What?"

She doesn't ask again because she's aware that I very well understood what she had just asked.

"No." I say.

"Then whose is he?"

"It doesn't matter--"

"Whose is he?" she just asks again.

"He's not important, it doesn't matter." I say in repetition.

Something in me starts to want to take back what I said. And I don't know the reason. I don't let the feeling bother me.

"When?"

"When what?"

"When did it happen? You and Jay's dad,"

I'm ashamed to say it but I choke it out. Oddly enough, I find that there's nothing else to hide anymore. This is the biggest secret I've kept ever since she came back. I've been keeping.

It almost doesn't matter that Jay is John's, but looking at his relation to Dani makes me feel like I've more secrets than I know.

"The night you left for college."

She doesn't seem fazed about it. "Did you know him well?" she questions instead.

"I know him pretty well." I mumble in a bit of sarcasm. I do, in fact, know him now. Pretty well, if I may say. But I didn't then.

"How?"

"How what?"

"How'd you end up with him? Why didn't you just go straight home?"

"There wasn't anything for me to come home to." I mutter.

"Makes sense."

"Yeah,"

"Do you know where he is now?"

"I tried to steer clear of his whereabouts but I guess it just never goes away--"

"Did you love him?"

"What?!" I spit.

"Did you love him?" she doesn't hesitate to ask again.

"What?" I shake my head. "What kind of a question is that--"

And she doesn't hesitate to elaborate. "Well, you must've loved him enough to have slept with him, right?"

Of course, that's what she thinks. Let's give it up for the girl who really saved herself for someone special, someone like Garrett, someone who is Garrett.

"No." I laugh. "We got drunk and fucked up. Had a terrible hangover the next day. He didn't know because he left in the morning."

"What?" Dani asks now. "He what?"

"He left me in the morning, it's not a big deal--"

"What do you mean it's not a big--"

"Hey, guys!" Garrett reenters, interrupting. "Where's Jared?"

"He was just in the back lounge with John," Dani says. "I woke up and went there first--"

"Okay, okay." Garrett hurries to take Dani's directions.

Then Dani turns to me again. I had hoped that maybe Garrett made it slip out of her mind but what she asks next reminds me that our attention span wasn't always the shortest. "Does that guy know?"

"Know what?"

"About Jay?"

"I've been dropping hints." I shrug. "But I don't think I'm ever telling him."

"Why not?"

"It's complicated."

After this, silence ensues between us again.

"Are you mad," I ask in the quietest way I could voice it out without whispering, breaking the silence that for some reason seems to have been deafening.

"No." she sighs. "No. I don't know why you didn't tell me, though."

"We got in a terrible fight, I was trying to think it out--"

"Were you even planning to tell me?"

"Yeah." I look at Jay who's playing with the buttons on his shirt.

You know how when someone says something about someone else, you start to realize it? You start to see it to be true?

That's how I feel as I gently smack Jay's hands away from his shirt.

He's always fumbling and he can't stand not moving.

"Oh, yeah, he got it from me." I muse, looking up at Dani again.

"Come on, come on, come on!"

It's only been a couple of second and Garrett's already back, dragging Jared along with him.

"Why are you so excited?!" Jared huffs and shakes Garrett off.

Garrett glances at Dani, then his smile grows larger as Jared returns to his attention.

Jared's eyes widen. "You haven't told Trey?!"

"Well, no--"

"Garrett, I thought you told Trey!"

Garrett frowns when he realizes Jared isn't at all as happy as he is about whatever.

"Garrett--"

"Why?!"

"He's your brother, Garrett, you're supposed to tell him those things!" Jared argues.

"But Jared--"

"No, Garrett--"

"Well, Iann didn't tell Dani she had sex with John!" Garrett blurts out. He immediately claps his hand over his mouth after.

"It was John." Dani concludes. "Of course, it was John! How the hell couldn't I have seen it--"

"Dani,"

"That fucking bastard!"

"Dani,"

"What the--"

"Calm down, Dani--" I start to hold her shoulders down, but she shakes me off violently and gets on her feet.

"Why the hell are you telling me to calm down?!" Dani spits. "I'm supposed to calm down knowing that John knocked you up and left--"

"Please, Dani--"

Before I even know it, John's appeared at the worst and wrongest time, and Dani literally scratches his face with her nails.

And before John could even process what the hell was going on, Garrett starts holding Dani back while she tries to hurt him.

I myself have no idea what's going on, I could only imagine how John feels.

Now Dani's spitting out curse words at him. I'd mention them all, but there are things coming out of her mouth that I have never even heard from anyone else yet. And I'd say those I knew, but Jay--

"Hey, hey, not in front of the kid." Halvo then comes in and picks Jay up.

This shuts all of us up for a moment.

Halvo looks at Garrett. "By the way, Joel told me to meet them at the Starbucks--"

"Trey told me," Garrett says as he casually tries to hold his gasping girlfriend in his arms. "I was on my way."

Halvo rushes out then.

"You son of a bitch!" Dani continues to rage at John the moment Halvo is out. "You fucking--"

"What--" John starts but is cut off when Dani's able to free herself from Garrett and she hits him right across his face.

"Dani, stop!" I don't know what I'm doing till I realize I've pushed her away from John.

"And you weren't going to tell me it was John, were you?!" Dani angrily accuses.

"How the hell was I supposed to tell you when I haven't even told him?!"

Suddenly, I know arguing with that was pointless. Before I could even tell her not to, she hits me.

Harder than she hit John.

"Dani!" Garrett scolds.

I don't know what about that slap sent me falling to the floor. It was weak, obviously filled with aimlessness.. She was the worst at fights like these, making contact during arguments always made her lose.. But I know for a fact that if she starts throwing punches now, I know I'm just going to break down.

But I don't usually fall this easily.

I hear Dani's footsteps in a tread out of this place, and I hear Garrett's following. Then Jared's follows Halvo's.

I know I'm alone with John now.

But the moment I feel someone else's touch, I literally just collapse. "Don't hit me."

"I'm not gonna hit you." John mumbles. "I would never,"

I stare at the floor for a second and try to compose myself as quickly as possible.

"Are you okay?"

I shake my head.

"I'm sorry." John pulls me into an awkward hug. "Sorry."

I put my hands on his chest and push myself away from him. "John,"

"Are you hurt," he asks dumbly.

Before I could lie and say I wasn't, he holds my face gently and slowly advances towards me, then he kisses the cheek Dani slapped.

When he pulls back, I notice his cheek's turning red (maybe as well.)

"I'm never going to let anyone hurt you like that again." he says solidly.

It's overwhelming to have someone comfort me like this. It wouldn't even make any difference if this wasn't John.

I never got this kind of comfort after a beating. No one was ever willing to protect me.

"John," I try to say something again. Anything.

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault," I try to change my sobs into stupid laughs even though it's a futile attempt. "It's not your fault, sorry she hit you--"

"Please shut up," John pleads. I don't know what he means by it, but I quiet myself down anyway. "I'm okay."

"Sorry."

He wraps his arms around me again.

I don't hear what he whispers to me, but he brings out a pack of cigarettes from the back pocket of his jeans.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what he's offering.

A minute later, we've already made our way out of the bus. We stand in the back and smoke off.

He looks like he's doubting himself for it, though.

And it makes me almost feel guilty, because as I know, he's been told to quit, and not just by me.

But I remind myself that it was his offer, and it was his pack of smokes.

I finish two sticks, but he doesn't even make it halfway through one. I must say, I find his self-control impressive.

He takes my hand after we're both done and leads me off to some Starbucks.

I'm completely unaware of which state we're in right now. We could be in Hawaii and I wouldn't know. We could be in Massachusetts and I would not have a clue. But I would know if we're in Arizona. And temperature here says we're not.. So I have no idea where we are.

What I do know is that today is another day off, one of the lasts.

"You know, Garrett took Dani out to a Starbucks on their first date." John tells me.

"Yeah?"

"Did either of them ever tell you how they met?" John asks as we enter the coffee shop.

I shake my head.

He walks me to the counter and orders something for himself. The barista asks for what I'm getting and John answers for me. "She'll have what I'm having."

"Name?"

"John." he answers.

Then she asks him for my name.

John asks for the marker then he writes down something lengthy on the cup. How lengthy is Iann? Or even Riannon? I don't think about it as he hands the cup and pen back.

We're told that we'll be called for when our order's ready after John pays.

John then leads me to one of the tables.

Across the shop, we can see Halvo and Jay talking to a long-haired blonde, who I'm guessing must be Joel. And I see Jared talking to someone with a hat who I will just assume is Trey. They're with 3 other men and John and I watch them from over here.

I know them. I've seen them with Nick and the others before. But I never really bothered to catch their names.

"Garrett met Dani at a party. They were like sixteen or something."

"A party, huh?" I roll my eyes playfully. "They didn't somehow end up sleeping with each other, did they?"

"Heck, no, they didn't even end up drinking at all." he counters, not realizing the reference I've just made.

"So what's so special about how they met?"

"Well, they were at one of my high school buddies' place. He was throwing me a party because I just decided to drop out of college."

"You celebrate that shit?"

"Sure, why not?" John chuckles. "Given any chance to party, I would." He shakes his head, intently not wanting to get off topic. "Anyway, I don't know who took Dani there. I think it was her ex or something."

"Why was Garrett there?"

"Well, I dropped out of college so I could sing in his band." John sticks his tongue out as an insult to himself, knowing it sounded pretty stupid. "So he had to be there. But I didn't tell Trey I was taking him, Tim was there so Pat was basically permitted, Jared was in on dropping out with me, and Kennedy, well, he's my best friend so he stuck around."

"So what happened with Garrett and Dani?"

"Well, the ever so socially awkward Garrett Daniel Nickelsen was sitting by the stairs and not drinking anything because if he got drunk at sixteen, Trey would've killed him. And me." He cackles at himself. "Then Dani saw him and they just started talking. Turned out Dani had no idea where she was. So Garrett asked me where the fuck they were and he gave Dani directions home and cab money."

"Where's the love story there?"

"Well, Garrett gave her his number and told her to call when she got home, just to make sure she was safe." John proudly nods in affirming to what Garrett had done.

"Did she call?"

"That night?" John can't help laughing now. "No. Which is why when I was drunk-driving Garrett home before Trey got home from work, he was getting all paranoid and he wouldn't stop waiting on his phone. I thought it was maybe he was scared that I was gonna crash, since I was, after all, drunk.. But I found out later that he didn't care if I was drunk, he trusted me enough. I don't know, it was the funniest thing ever--"

"You're a dick," I jokingly scold him for laughing at Garrett.

"I like to think I'm a great friend." John grins.

"So what happened next?"

"Well, Dani did call in the morning. She said she was sorry for not calling him the night before. Garrett said it was nothing, but it was freaking him out anyway because he sent her off in a cab he paid for, so if anything happened to her, it was going to have been his fault. Anyway Dani was crying, Garrett said she told him something happened at home and she just didn't know who to call so she called Garrett."

It takes me some time to think about whether or not whatever "happened at home" was my fault. There was no one else but me, and nothing but a fight with me, at home, that could've upset her.

I don't recall the specific fight. But there were too many.

John continues. "Then Garrett told her to meet him somewhere and then he took her to a Starbucks to calm her down. We didn't know where he was then, though. We were at Pat's basement trying to decide some things about the band. I don't know. She just came out of nowhere. I had a terrible hangover so I was basically just a bitch to her. And after we hung out for a while, Garrett took her home and he got so pissed at me and he told me the entire story. He never officially called it a date, but it was the first time they were ever together alone. Also, Garrett paid for everything so whether he'll admit it or not, that was their first date."

"Starbucks date?" I purse my lips. "Garrett would."

"Of course he would." Then he finishes. "That's it, basically. After that, they started seeing each other more. When Garrett realized he had a crush on her, he tried not to talk to her."

"Then?"

"Well, Dani wasn't happy about it. They became really close, you know, I think Garrett was one of her friends--"

"She had many friends at school--"

"None of them mattered the way Garrett did." John tells me. "So Dani asked Garrett about it."

"What happened?"

"Garrett took her to another Starbucks and got her some coffee, their usual hangout stuff. Then he admitted he liked her." He smiles to himself. "You wanna know what Dani did about it?"

"What?"

"She got up to leave but then Garrett stopped her and he ended up kissing her." John tilts his head. "I don't know, it's just such a great story to tell. Garrett used to tell me everything. Then they broke up and he started closing himself out. Dani really broke the guy."

"It makes me uncomfortable how much you know,"

"Well, he and I went people-watching a lot. He didn't realize I was watching him, too." He shrugs. "You know? We'd go to gas stations, record stores, ice cream shops.. You name it. We'd hang by with some snacks and watch people."

"You still do that?"

"Nah, he's changed a lot since then. So have I. But it's nice to look back on. And then look at where we are now. We're still really great friends."

I don't know how to feel about it so I stay quiet.

I must say, though, I am starting to be truly jealous of Garrett.

There's all he knows, all he's done, the people he's been with, the people who care about him, where his life is heading..

It would be quite hard not to be jealous.

But I do stay quiet.

"Order for sir John." the barista calls.

"Sir John," he repeats, laughing at the calling. "We don't hear that everyday."

"And order for the prettiest girl in the shop." the barista continues.

"That's you," John nudges me with his elbow as he gets up.

No wonder it took him a while to write that down on a stupid plastic glass.