I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

Waking up slightly, I let out a quiet moan when I feel John snaking his arms around my waist.

"Iann?"

"Mm?" I mumble, flicking my eyes open once then deciding to just slip off into Dream Land again, though feeling John nipping at my neck now is somehow better.

"Mm," John repeats against my skin. "You're so.. Perfect,"

It's so obvious he's as awake as I am: Half-awake. Maybe even just a quarter for him, I'm midway there because I can think this way, I conclude.

"No," I counter, or correct. "I've said it before," I let him roll over and bring me on top of him just so I could look down at his face. "I'll say it again: That is false."

"Haha," he effortlessly lets out his fake chuckle. His eyes close and his mouth shuts, then he just pulls me down and locks me in an embrace. "Night," he mutters.

I start falling asleep again after I lay my head on his chest. But with my ear pressed against his heart, I feel it beat. And I listen closely to his breathing and..

It just surprises me when I realize I can't pay attention to my own heart rate or my own lung capacity, now that I am looking at someone else's.

It dawns on me, after a minute, that I'm holding my breath, that my heart is beating way too fast.

"Iann, are you okay? Breathe, goddammit." John whispers.

I laugh. "John, I thought you were asleep."

"I thought you were breathing!" he replies humorously.

"Sorry." I say, lacking the seriousness he had when he told me to 'breathe, goddammit.'

But it's so strange. There is all this stirring in my stomach and my chest, and my head feels light..

After a second, when he shifts for me to look at him, I realize that I've felt this way all other times I've gotten this bloody close to John.

Is this what being in love feels like?

I want to believe otherwise because..

I don't.. I think I don't.. I don't want to think.. That I'm "in love" with John O'Callaghan.

I would kill myself if I ever find that the truth is being in love with John.

Whatever happened to hating him for leaving me in the morning years ago?!

Even though for sure if I fall into slumber with John right now, tomorrow I'm not waking up alone..

But this is now and that was then! Is that not enough a reason to hold a grudge on?

No, in all actuality, it's irrational to hold a grudge on him for something he did years ago.

But I'm an irrational fuck, and I'm fucking immature.

John cannot change that about me.

So instead of letting myself sulk in my thoughts, I decide to just have fun with John.

And he gets it the moment I smile at him. I can tell, because he wishes to wipe the grin off my face and replace them with laughs and giggles as he now tries to tickle me.

He wiggles his fingers onto me and I start giving him the sounds of mirth he wants to hear, then it's just too much and now I literally can't breathe because of all the laughing.

It reminds me all rooms are connected and sound travels fast.

So I now attempt to stop him by grabbing his arms, silencing his own laughter with my lips.

But his stubbornness and my insisting only gets the two of us in a wrestle to rebel against each other's actions.

And it wouldn't take a genius to figure out where we end up next.

"Oh my God, John!" I can't stop myself from yelling when his weight falls completely on me, sandwiching me between his body and the floor.

"Shhh," John forces his index finger onto my lips. "You're gonna wake the guys up,"

I slap his arm away and my head darts to either doorways.

Seeing the lights are all on, John and I become alert. He quickly, but gently, gets off of me and helps me up.

We sneak around the entire floor, not having to turn any of the lights on since they were already flicked up. We quickly scope Garrett's room, in which Pat is the only one there. And we scope Jared's room, in which we find Jared alone.

John and I continue to search the perimeter. Not finding Garrett nor Dani, we decide to head out.

The living room is empty.

I'm about to just shrug it off when John out of nowhere suggests we check in the studio booth.

"What would they be doing in the studio booth--"

"Soundproof."

I don't understand it till John does bring me there.

As he ever so soundlessly leads me in, I find out what to expect.

Walls no sound could go beyond of.

Sound as in.. Garrett's voice.

Because if they're awake, and if they're together right now as they are in bad terms..

That could only mean a fight.

As John and I enter, we see Garrett behind the glass with Dani.

John has the both of us crouched down. He reaches up to the knob board and enables the microphones inside and the speakers outside.

"--Dani! Don't you don't understand that?!" Garrett's voice starts to blare in.

John turns the volume down but it's still audible.

"What, so all of a sudden you just started to think that you could just walk out of my life like that?! Huh?! You think you could just waltz in with your pretty little face then just leave me in the air like that? And again?!"

Garrett pauses like he's waiting for Dani to respond.

Somehow, she doesn't, and somehow, Garrett just continues.

"Don't you fucking understand that I'm so past worried now?! You don't fucking understand that I won't be able to fucking live with myself if you ever did anything to yourself! I never thought you'd be fucking brave enough to even try to-- Dani--

"You tried to fucking kill yourself! Why can't you see why I'm so mad?! Huh?! Why was it so fucking easy for you to just leave me?! You don't understand that I love you?! Huh?! I know you have all your problems and I know I'm hardly any help but-- Dani--

"Goddammit! God fucking damn it! Do you know what the hell that says to me?! Huh?! That I'm not worth it! That I'm not fucking worth it! And you get off telling me you love me, that I mean so much to you-- But what you did! What you did fucking says to me that I'm not fucking worth it! Dani--

"You know I have absolutely no idea what I would do without you! You know that! And that didn't make you think twice? At all?! And you just fucking jumped in that lake-- What if Kennedy wasn't there?! I know we've had this conversation before, but what the fuck am I supposed to do, Dani?! If Kennedy wasn't there, I could.. I.."

When Garrett's voice, aspirated by gasps of running out of breath, trails off, I decide to check what's happening.

I up myself and see Garrett wiping tears from his eyes now, so very obviously loathing the inability to keep himself composed.

"I could've lost you."

Dani is seated on a chair, just staring at Garrett, who is now falling to his knees in front of her.

"I could've lost you, Daniella Jones. I don't.. I can't.. I can't lose you again, Dani. I wasn't ready then, I'm not ready now. Not this way, Dani, please not this way," Garrett says, gently caressing her self-wounded forearm. "I've gotten this far, Dani, and I know I've still got a long way to go and I want you to be there with me, I want you to be there with us. There's just so much ahead and I want to share all that with you and.. Dani.. Say something, please say something.."

Dani brushes Garrett's hair with her fingers as he's now lain his head on her lap.

"Why aren't you saying anything?"

"Garrett,"

Garrett's head snaps up, as if this is the first thing Dani's said all night. And maybe it is.

"Words can't even begin to describe how proud of you I am, Garrett."

He watches her start to smile.

"I am so so fucking proud of you, Garrett."

"Wh.. What,"

"That's it, Garrett, why I can't speak. Words are useless. They will never be able to even begin to describe how proud of you I am." she repeats.

"Dani,"

"You think you're not worth it? Wrong, Garrett. Wrong. I'm not worth it. And words will never be able to describe how sorry I am that you're getting hurt by all the shit I've been doing. I'm sorry, I am so sorry. And I'll assure you right now that I was not brave enough to kill myself. I was just out of my mind. And I still am out of my mind, Garrett. I'm fucking insane, I'm sorry you're getting caught up in all my bullshit."

"Dani, that's not.."

"Garrett, I.. I just.. It just.. It's messing me up right now.. Do you have any idea what it's like in my head right now? It's complete chaos. There's just.. My relationship with Iann is just so fucked, and I so badly want to do something about it and just.. Just.. There's the fact that I have a nephew.. And.. Garrett, believe me, the last thing I want is to complicate things with you.

"I know there's something about my way with words that downgrades how you understand me, and there's something about the way I talk that demotes me in your eyes.. But these are my feelings, Garrett, and.. There's no other way to put them..

"Garrett, I love you, I really do.. I just.. I don't think you deserve to be roped into this mess with me, you don't deserve--"

"What if I choose to get roped into that mess with you? I'm your boyfriend, Dani-- No, screw that! I'm your friend!"

"And you're a great one." Dani tells him, holding his cheek in her palm. "You are an incredible and amazing friend, Garrett. It's just I don't deserve your friendship. You know how fucked up I am--"

"But I'm in love with you."

"That's not enough a reason to sacrifice something worth as much as your happiness, Garrett--"

"I say it is--"

"You don't get it,"

"I really don't!"

Dani sighs after a pause. She continues, "You just can't be with me."

"What--"

"Garrett," Dani slows down. "I need you to listen to me--"

"No!" Garrett stands up and literally darts away from her. "What the fuck are you saying?!"

"Garrett, I can't.. Garrett,"

"Dani--"

"Please, Garrett--"

"What, you're breaking up with me? Again?!"

"Garrett,"

"Yeah?! And then what?! You're gonna leave us again?! Huh?! You're gonna leave Jared and Pat and Ken again?! No, Dani, I won't let you."

"Garrett,"

"I'm not letting you do this to me-- To us. Not again."

"Garrett,"

"No!" It was evident in the way he negated that he knew he was starting to sound like a kid throwing a tantrum over a toy he didn't want to give up at all, but he didn't seem to care at the same time. He just had to put whatever he was feeling out there, and right now, disagreeing with Dani was playing dominant.

What, was she about to give Garrett the breakup speech he never did get? What did she mean? Was she in any way right to speak in behalf of Garrett, talking about what he can and cannot do, who he can and cannot be with?

"Garrett, I am not breaking up with you." Dani tries to calm Garrett down. "I just want you to reevaluate how much you really need a distraction like me. You'll find that you don't, and you'll--"

"I would never!" Garrett cuts her off by yelling.

"Yes you would, Garrett, would you just fucking think about it?!"

Garrett widened his teary eyes slightly widen at her, surprised of her sudden outburst because she'd been so composed.

But you can't fight fire with fire. That makes more fucking fire.

And if Garrett's not calm, and Dani's not calm..

"I don't need to think about it, Dani, I--" Garrett starts again.

Dani cuts him off. "Garrett, I don't want to--"

"Then fine!" Garrett cuts her off finally, finishing his side of the conversation.

I look at John as Garrett hollers out the next few words:

"I'm fucking done."

I know John sees the familiarity of what's going on right now with a past event, one he's told me about before. And it's even in a slightly similar setting.

Dani tries to control it, but she starts to sob.

And Garrett starts muting sobs, too. He forces the door open, then he slams it behind him. And he doesn't even spot me and John.

After Garrett had made his exit, John pulls me down and hisses "What the fuck just happened?!"