I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

The mac and cheese.

It was Dani's way of apologizing.

Her feeble attempt at something she's no good at.

It's exactly what she would use as an apology to me. Because she was never any good with her words, and I knew that. And she knew that.

I only realize Dani's awake too, and is actually with Garrett, when she answers. "No,"

Garrett wants a better answer for this question of his.

"We fight over petty things," I decide to say. "I just went a little bit overboard the other day,"

"Doesn't really happen a lot, Garrett, you shouldn't worry about it," Dani tells him.

And I'm glad she does, because I don't want to talk about it.

The fight the other day. It wasn't one of the usual fights over petty things like which one of us is supposed to do the dishes, or which one of us left the light in the bathroom on.

It was over The Maine, how she made it clear she didn't need me. Something way deeper than us fighting when we were 6-year-old's over getting on each other's side of the bed.

"Didn't know it was gonna be so scary to have twins on the bus." Pat comments.

Dani shrugs. "Deal with it. Can't quit now and I'm pretty sure Iann's not going anywhere."

"Of course she's not going anywhere, Nick brought her on tour." Halvo says as he enters the area.

"Yeah, better get used to having an asshole around," I warn jokingly.

"We already have enough assholes in this bus," Garrett laughs. "There's me, and John, and Halvo, and Justin, and Nick--"

"Pretty used to it." Jared finishes. "But you're not an asshole."

"What makes you say that?" I raise an eyebrow while I continue combing Kennedy's hair. "I remember calling you a bastard."

"Kennedy," John joins in on the conversation. "Kennedy doesn't go around sleeping with assholes."

I reply. "Kennedy's your basis on who is and isn't an asshole?"

"Why not?" John looks up from Jay. "He's got this instinct thing for that shit."

"You know how, like, little children know when someone's an asshole? That instinct we usually lose growing up?" Halvo continues for John. "Kennedy never lost that,"

"It's a good thing, I think." John gets up and walks over and he sits next to me. He starts playing with Kennedy's hair too. "It's been a while since he slept quietly,"

"Yeah?" I look at him.

"Yeah." He sighs. "Thanks. I mean it."

"It's nothing."

He smiles a little at Kennedy, and then a little more at me.

I don't have anything to say. All I'm thinking about is how genuine he is to actually thank me for something that doesn't directly affect him. I'm amazed that I don't feel the same mislead anger at him for the whole Jay situation, which I doubt he even has an idea about.

John leans down. "Kenny, wake up."

"Go away, John." Kennedy groggily waves him off.

"Come on, Ken,"

Kennedy starts wiping sleep off by hiding his eyes with his hands. "John, you there?"

"Yes, bud."

"I had a dream about you."

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"What was up?"

"Not a lot." Kennedy opens his eyes now, looking up at both me and John. "Hi."

"Hey," I push his hair out of his forehead. "How was sleep?"

"Great." Kennedy answers. "I missed sleep." He sits up. "Peaceful sleep anyway."

I smile it him, he smiles back. We don't talk anymore.

"Show today?" John asks Jared.

"Yup." Jared answers. "We get there in an hour."

So we eat breakfast, something Jared whipped up quickly, and the boys get ready for the show. Dani also gets ready. I almost forgot she's shooting. Nick tells me to get ready too, but for what? I argue with him about this for a while then I give in. What difference does it really make? He says I gotta look presentable.

We're backstage now. This is a new place for me. It's sort of like a living room. With the couches and the small coffee table. And trying to look presentable was just a waste of time because I plan on staying here the entire night.

I'm sitting down on one of those couches and playing a stupid game on my phone when I feel the area right next to me get occupied. I don't really mind it till I see cowboy-boots-covered feet thump onto the coffee table. I look up from my phone and see John stretching after he crossed his legs.

I put my phone back in my pocket. "Well, hello."

"Howdy," he says. Then he laughs.

I laugh too. "You're silly."

"I know," He smirks.

Our eyes click for a moment, but then out of nowhere, Jay pops in between us.

"This kid is adorable," John tells me after taking Jay onto his lap.

"Everyone thinks so." I reply.

This conversation is making me uncomfortable.

"Is it even safe to bring a kid on tour?" He asks me.

"I don't know, I've never been on tour." I shrug. "Justin thinks it's okay, so I guess we all just gotta trust him on this one."

"Couldn't you leave him with your mom or something,"

My mom. "No."

"Well, if he's actually your little brother, you'd do that, right?" John says in a weird tone. It takes half a second for me to register what was in that tone: Suspicion. Fuck, I don't need this from him.

I can't stop myself. "Yeah, sure, I'd leave him with my mom if she was alive."

This silences John. "I'm sorry, I didn't--"

"Fuck off." I'm pissed now. I get really sensitive about my mom. So I take Jay from him. "Get on stage where someone actually needs you to mess around."

"Iann, I'm sorry--"

"Fuck off!" I growl and push him away. "Garrett was right, you had enough assholes on the bus."

John rolls his eyes and goes off.

Jay tugs on my shirt, and I look at him. He's frowning at me.

The anger almost immediately drops when Jay hugs me.

I hug him back tightly. "Don't be upset, sweetie."

He responds by nodding into me.

"John is just an asshole." I tell him quietly. "Might possibly be your dad, but an asshole nevertheless."

"I knew it."

I turn around. "Kennedy."

"I'm not stupid." he says as he takes John's seat. "I knew it."

"Who else knows?"

"No one." he answers. "Pat has no idea, Garrett's too hung up on Dani, and Jared.. Well, it's none of his business."

I purse my lips.

"Jay's eyes gave it away." he states. "And his little smirk, too."

"Of course you would recognize your best friend's kid."

"When did you two happen?"

"Some party," I say as I set distance between myself and Jay. "Don't remember much of it, and I don't really want to think about it."

We sit here quietly. I have a feeling this is going to happen a lot of times between me and Kennedy.

"I won't tell anyone if you don't want it out yet,"

Reassurance. That's what I need. "Thanks, Kennedy."

"De nada!" He claps as he gets up. "Time for the show. I'll see you later, Iann."

"You go." I laugh.

The show starts with A Rocket To The Moon playing, and for some reason, I just stay backstage with Jay.

It's when The Maine starts playing that things get weird. Jay rushes to the side of the stage and plumps down. He's watching The Maine play.

The one thing I promised myself is that I would not let The Maine take Jay from me like they took Dani.

But Jay is enjoying, and I can't bring myself to pick him up and take him away.

I sit down next to him and let him sit on my lap, and we watch together.

When the show is over, John is the first to exit. He sees me, but he gives all his attention to Jay. "You have fun watching, Jay?"

Jay nods happily and puts his arms out.

John takes him. "Sorry I'm so sweaty,"

Jay hugs him tighter.

John turns around and welcomes Kennedy. "I love this kid."

"Sure he loves you too." Kennedy mutters and downs a bottle of water.

I see Dani entering now behind Pat and Garrett, looking at shots in her camera.

Pat takes a towel from somewhere and pours water onto it from a filled bottle. Then he puts it on Garrett's head.

Garrett rolls his eyes and dives onto a couch head first. "I'm pooped."

Kennedy crushes the bottle with his hand and throws it at Pat.

Pat catches it and tosses it to a trash bin, taking another couple of towels and throwing them to Kennedy and Jared.

I remember the anger I have against John and his unnecessary suspicion, how Jay took it away.

But John took Jay away from me in the most literal way possible, and with it, he took the relief. Anger's starting to sink in again as I make my way to a couch.

I sit down and Kennedy sits down with me.

"You wanna know one more thing that scares me?" he whispers against my hair.

"What?" I ask.

"Garrett."

"He scares you?"

"No, his health does." He pulls back. "Look at him," he mouths.

So I do, and Garrett's just lying on the couch there, breathing really short breaths with Pat trying to calm him down.

"Something wrong with him?" I mumble.

"I don't know, but that's not supposed to be happening." He sighs. "Garrett says we shouldn't worry, but I can't help it,"

I look around and no one is actually listening to Kennedy so I let him continue.

"It scares me that he might just drop dead during a show one day." He almost laughs. "Don't want that to happen though so," He takes my hand, balls it into a fist and makes me thump it onto the coffee table. "Knock on wood."

"Dani used to hyperventilate a lot when she was a kid," I say. "What they usually do is put a wet towel on her head, just like Pat did to Garrett."

"Oh!" Kennedy beams. "So that's why he does it!"

I figured that out as I said it. "I guess so."

"That's why who does what?" Pat looks at us while rubbing his palm against Garrett's back.

"Nothing," Kennedy quiets down.

"When do we get back to the bus?" Garrett asks Jared. "I'm tired, I wanna sleep--"

"In a while, alright?"

So it does take a while for us to get back to the bus, and on our way, there's a lot of complementing Dani for doing a great job with the camera work. When we get to the bus, Garrett takes his shirt off and runs to his bunk.

The rest of them take naps too.

Except Kennedy, who stays outside with me. John is in the far end with Jay.

"I think John knows,"

"Yeah? I think he doesn't." I say out of anger and detest. "He doesn't seem smart enough like you."

"Yeah, I guess he is pretty stupid." He agrees. "But how can he not tell? You know, he hates kids."

"Jared said that, too."

"Because it's true, and Jared isn't one to lie. Maybe hate is a strong word. Let's say.. Isn't fond of. John isn't really fond of kids, but with Jay, it's really different."

"So Jay really likes him. Jay likes everyone."

"But John doesn't like everyone," Kennedy takes his outer shirt off. "I don't think they would click so quickly if they didn't have any relation at all."

"Hey, we'd click just as quick if he's Jay's dad, but that's not happening." I kick my shoes off and Indian-sit on the couch.

"Too much of a dickhead for someone as sensitive as you to handle, I guess."

"Sensitive?"

"Yeah, but not in a bad way." Kennedy uses his shirt to wipe sweat off his back. "In a good way, like, how you listened to me last night. No one's ever sensitive enough for me."

"They say you have a kid's instinct,"

"I do." Kennedy laughs. "Which is pretty much why I cry over anything that upsets me."

"Not all kids are like that,"

"But I'm not a kid," He points out. "I'm a disturbed twenty-three-year-old who needs therapy--"

"You don't." I remind him. "You don't need therapy."

"But people think you did, and made you go through it."

"And people think you do, and they will try to make you go through it. But the difference between the two of us is that someone's willing to help. Someone isn't going to watch you get therapy you don't need."

He smiles. "Thanks."

I nod, mouthing "Anytime."

"Look, I'm sleepy." he mutters. "Can I take a nap?"

"No one's stopping you." I say and start getting up.

He takes my hand. "Stay,"

When I sit back down, I decide to make a commitment. To finish what I started. Kennedy needs someone. He's just going to have to settle for me.