Falling

Another session with Dr. Johannson on Thursday afternoon to top off a crappy day.

It was my first day back at work. I walked into the building and felt my coworkers eyes widened as they took in the sight of me at my usual place, the front desk.
“Good morning Mr. Thompson.” I greet the lawyer as cheerfully as possible.
“You're back, I see.” He said to me a little unsure.
“Yes I am.” I handed him some of his mail and he head towards the elevators giving me one final look as he enter got in. I huffed out a breath as an unsettling feeling crept in. Did people know? How could they? I pushed the crazy thought a side as I greeted a couple who had an appointment on the seventh floor.
The rest of my morning, from seven thirty to eleven fifteen, went that way. Workers gave me suspicious or strange looks when they saw me. I was going to have lunch in the cafeteria but opted to go to a deli a few blocks away just to get away from them.
I got back just before twelve and sat at the desk, taking a few calls and realizing just how much I missed this routine. It was nearly three o'clock when thing got uncomfortable for me.
“Are you feeling alright?” I looked up and saw Adele Mitchell, a law clerk. She had a bouquet of flowers in her hands. She sat them on the desk and handed me a card. “We heard about what happened, so some of us thought this might help. We hope you're alright.” I stared at her then at the card she held out. I slowly took it in my shaky hand.
The front had storm clouds and read:



I opened it. Inside read:



About ten people had signed it. I didn't know what to say.
“Well we heard about your episode.” she whispered. My episode? Who says episode anymore? “And that you nearly died.” I swallowed hard.
This wasn't happening. No this wasn't happening. I was sure I could come to work and forget about the past two weeks but no it had to follow me here too. Someone had told someone here about my attempt. Chris? My mother? Both? I had some questions for them. Adele said something else but I didn't catch it.
She eventually walked away once she realized I wasn't listening, she probably thought I was having another "episode". They had gotten me flowers and a card. They were praying for me?
I tried to finish my shift without thinking about the fact that everyone here, most likely, knew about something very private. I never brought my personal life to work, and vice versa, I liked the separation. At four I left, after a few more weird looks and forced smiles.
I took the bouquet with me and the card and dumped them in the trash before I got to Dr Johannson's office.

“How was your first day back?” Dr. Johannson asked.
“Okay.”
“Okay? What happened?”
“They know.”
I took him a moment then he said. “Oh I see. Did you tell them?”
“You really think I would tell them that?”
“So who did?”
“Good question doc, I'll keep you posted on that.”
“How did it make you feel, knowing they know a very personal detail of your life?”
“Extremely embarrassed. I felt like they were all silently judging me. They gave me a card. Which was basically a get well soon card. You don't give cares to suicide attempt survivors.”
He wrote something down before turning his eyes back to me.
“Are you married doc?”
“Used to be.”
“Really? What happened?
“Life. Speaking of marriage....”
“Oh sweet Jesus, I stepped right into that one.”
He chuckled, “Yes you did.” He turned serious. “How have you and Chris been doing?”
“I don't know.” I paused. “Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“I've been meeting up with this guy, strictly friendship but I haven't told him I'm married and Chris doesn't know. Is that wrong?”
“Does it feel wrong?”
“That's no answer.”
“I know but it isn't up to me to decide what right or wrong in your life Dylan. Do you feel attracted to this guy? What's his name?”
“His name is Aiden, and yes, I feel an attraction.”
“You're not wearing your wedding ring still.”
“It doesn't really fit anymore.”
After that something inside me shut down. I regretted telling the doc about Aiden, it made me feel dirty, guilty, and I didn't feel like talking anymore. I left the session more depressed than I was when I came in. A blinked back tears as I drove not wanting my emotions to get the better of me. It was fifteen minutes later that I realized I had been driving the wrong way, I was five minutes from the diner. It was nearly six in the evening when I pulled into the parking lot. I didn't get out, just sat there staring ahead, absently watching the people dinning inside. A tap on the glass knocked me out of my revelry.
“Are you stalking me?” Aiden said playfully as I rolled the window down.
“Oh yes, you've figured it out.” I got out of the car and leaned on the door.
“You coming inside?”
“I don't know, I'm not that hungry.”
“You said that before, yet here you are.” He smiled that crooked smile and I felt my heartbeat speed up. Stop that I told myself. “Come on.” He took my hand and led me inside. His hand was warm and gentle, it felt nice. We went to a booth and sat down.
Ashley, one of the waitresses took our order, well she remembered what we would get because we were here everyday this week and Aiden was already a regular.
“Something's bothering you. Wanna talk?” I shook my head. I wanted to tell Aiden everything but was afraid he would just reject me if he knew the truth. He gave me another smile and we sat in silence. My phone rang a moment later. Chris. Great, just great.
“Excuse me.” I told Aiden and headed outside. “Hello.”
“Where are you?”
“Hi honey, I'm fine thanks for asking.”
“Seriously, Dylan.”
“Out.” I said coldly.
I heard him give an audible sigh. “Come home now.”
“Like I've stated before I'm not a child.” I state.
“But you are mine, my wife.”
“I'm not a possession Christopher.”
“Dylan, stop acting like a child.”
“Why did you tell everyone at my job about my attempt?”
He paused then said, “I didn't.”
“Liar. You know what? Fuck you, Chris.” I hung up.
“Everything okay?” Aiden's voice behind me made me jump. I towards to him, his expression worried. How much had he heard? How would he interpret it?
“I'm fine.” I answered in emotionless.
“Dylan...” He stepped closed and his hand reached out to me but I backed away.
“I've gotta go.”
He furrowed his brow. “Dylan.”
I ran to the parking lot, got in my car and drove away, never looking back once.