The Rules of Life

The kiss was more than any kiss I’d ever experienced before. His lips were so soft and gentle, but firm and hungry. Every touch was like fire, but he didn’t touch me enough. His hands rested on my neck and my cheek, keeping me firmly in place. Not that I was planning on going anywhere. Nothing else mattered. Not Travis, or my dad, or the fact that this was illegal, or that we could get in big trouble, and maybe this wasn’t such a good idea to do in school. But oh god, it didn’t even matter. I didn’t even care. This kiss was never going to end, not if I could help it.

But we both needed air and Matt pulled away. I was dizzy and my body burned. I didn’t have to read his mind to know that he liked it. Matt’s eyes were clouded over with desire and he stepped back, looking resigned as he did so. Without realizing I’d done it, I realized that my fingers were pressed to my lips, swollen and warm from the kiss.

“Wow,” Matt said, a little out of breath. Oh lord, did I do that? I could feel the smirk spread across my face and I tried to hide it with my hand. But Matt saw. Of course he saw. He saw everything. “What’s with that look?”

I let the smirk turn in a wide smile that stretched my face. I swear it was going to split my entire head in two and the smile still didn’t seem big enough. “I thought this was a bad idea.” The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. After a moment like that and I had to ruin it by bringing up the whole ‘we shouldn’t be doing this’ point. But Matt didn’t seem fazed. He pondered it for a little and I wondered if he was changing his mind. But no. His face wasn’t guarded or angry. He was just thoughtful, like he was trying to figure out how to word his answer.

“Well, I spent all of yesterday thinking. I planned out what I was going to say to Principal Tanner and to the school board. I planned out how I was going to deal with you, with seeing you and having to possibly interact with you. I got the e-mail and I thought, great, she won’t have to change her schedule much when I’m leaving since I’ll be gone before this is in effect. I was going to treat you just like anyone else. Only with minimal talking and eye contact. No eye contact.” His eyes found mine. “And then I saw you walk in with Sophia Martin and I thought, now, what is Kinley doing with her? Then the rumors got to me. No one’s really quiet about them anymore. You’re dating Travis Elton. You had his baby. You ate his baby.” This earned me a grin and I was quite proud of myself. My rumor was growing up so fast. “So, I want to ask you, are you dating Travis Elton? Before I carry on, of course.”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I guess we were, officially. But now that Matt showed interest, well, I didn’t know. I liked Travis, as hard as it is to admit, despite everything. But this thing with Matt… it overshadowed everything. “Yeah, I guess,” I said.

Matt nodded. “I figured you were. The baby rumors seemed far-fetched but every rumor had the same thing in common: you and Travis Elton were spending a lot of time together. Even seen smooching.” That was an exaggeration. We’d shared a few pecks, yes, but it was hardly smooching. “So, I thought, good. She’s moved on. This, whatever this was, didn’t faze her. But I couldn’t let myself believe that, not when I saw you in math class. You… you’re just so… God, you don’t even realize it. But Kinley, you’re so beautiful. And you looked so confused. You like to think you’re all tough and you are, but you’re an open book. That’s why people don’t mess with you. Cause you look scary sometimes.” He laughed. “I knew the moment you came into my classroom freshman that something was going to happen. It took four years. I was a goner. I ignored it, of course. And then you were gone. You came back with a chip on your shoulder. You’re very smart, McKinley, and of course you don’t apply yourself. I’m hoping that changes.” He gave me a look, probably referring to my deal with Mr. Denning. Well, that deal didn’t even matter anymore. I wasn’t changing classes, nope. He waited for my response so I shrugged. “Hearing about you and Travis made me jealous. I was jealous the night I drove you home. It took me until now to admit it. I have no right to be feeling this way. You’re my student for Christ sake.”

This whole speech, I’ve kept Matt’s gaze. But this makes me look away. I’m his student. After everything, that’s what takes precedent. The fact that I’m his goddamn student is what’s keeping us apart. I think Matt sensed something was wrong because he lifted my chin with his hand and kissed me. It wasn’t nearly as long as the last one, or has intense, but it was still wonderful and sent warm tingles down my spine.

“Did that scare you?” he asked, smiling. He didn’t move his hand from my chin and he kept his face close. This was dangerous, this game we were playing. We were too close to the fire. Burning seemed inevitable. I didn’t say anything. “It means, I want this, Kinley. It means that we’re going to have to be extremely careful.” As if to prove his point, he stepped away from me. I felt his absence. “But I’m willing to do this, if you are. Once you graduate, it’ll be okay. But for now, careful, okay? Keep dating Travis. It will keep you in that spotlight which will keep you away from any speculation or rumors. Not that we’ll give them a reason to gossip.” He winked at me and my legs felt like Jell-O. God, this man was going to kill me. “I don’t really know how this will work…”

I shook my head. “I don’t either,” I said. “What do we do? Do we go on dates? Do we spend our days lusting after each other? Travis is my first boyfriend ever. I don’t know how to act in a normal relationship. How is a secret one going to work?”

Matt thought for a few moments and then admitted, quite sheepishly, “I don’t know.”

My heart felt like it was breaking in two. “Well, then, maybe…” I said slowly, “Maybe we shouldn’t call it a ‘thing’. Maybe we should… wait. Until I graduate before we do anything here.” God, what was I saying? I wanted this! I wanted him. But what would we do? Where would we go?

Matt looked confused for a moment, like maybe I was rejecting him. It hurt to look at his face. But slowly he nodded. He understood. But from his expression, it wasn’t a conclusion he liked coming to. I wanted to take it all back. Say that we’ll do it, this crazy thing, and we’ll have dates in other towns. Then he smiled at me and took my hands. He kissed each of them. “One more then,” he whispered. This kiss lasted longer than the first and was even more perfect, if that was possible. When we broke apart, I wanted to cry. I leaned my head against his chest for a few moments, listening to his heart beat steadily in his chest. I sighed and pulled away. He kissed the top of my head and smiled at me.

I hoisted my backpack on my shoulders and he walked me to the door. “Have a nice day, Miss Miller,” he called. I lifted my hand in response and started for the parking lot. I wasn’t sure if Travis was still waiting for me but I suspected.

“So, cheating on Travis already, huh?”