We Are So Screwed

“I love nikes.” I said.

“Blake?”

“Huh?”

“Now is not the time.”

“Oh my simple simple Slater, even in a time of crisis there is time to appreciate and admire shoes,” I stood up, grabbed my keys, my phone and the key card and walked towards the door, where Slater was standing. “Let’s go.” We walked out to the parking lot. There was my Bugati and parked next to it was Bee. I walked up to the driver’s side.

“May we?” I asked.

He unlocked the doors and let us in. “I’m Blake. I’m the bitch.” I pointed at my yellow haired friend. “That’s Slate. She’s the nice one, until you piss her off.”

“Blake doesn’t need to be pissed off. She dwells in an eternal vat of pissed offness.”

“Anyways my pissed offness is irrelevant. We’ve got some things to discuss. There’s one tiny itty bitty problem though,” I said. I had thought this over. There was only so much I could tell Bee. If I told him too much, then I pretty much fucked everything up. I really needed to talk to Optimus. “I can’t tell you everything I know,” I said.

“What… can you… tell me…” he asked.

“I’m not sure. Honestly, I need to talk to Prime. If I don’t tell you enough everything I don’t want to happen will. If I tell you too much then everything I need to happen won’t.”

“What do you need?”

“I need to be fucking sure that every last chance the cons have at destroying this planet is eliminated.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I am about to tell you is going to make me sound insane, because it defies what humans are capable of. Slater and I aren’t from here.”

“The bitch doesn’t just mean we’re not from Tranquility either. We’re from a completely different dimension.”

“With no clue how the fuck we got here.”

“Trippy shit.” Slater continued. “Where we’re from is four years in the future, and Cybertronians, transformers are just a toy, comic, tv, movie, franchise.”

“It was twenty-four yearlong franchise.”

“She was a huge fan. It was obnoxious she owned everything. Plus you were one of her favorites although S-“

“ANYWAYS, we know what’s supposed to happen the next four years and I know practically everything about you. You’re Bumblebee. You’re the youngest of the Autobots. You’re a scout. Megatron damaged your vocal processor and ripped off your arms. You’re the sole survivor of the attack on the youth sectors. You want nothing more than prove to the others that despite your youth you are a critical part of the team.”

He started up his engine and started driving not bothering to respond. He stopped when he got to a field with no one in sight.

He opened his doors and let us out. I knew he wasn’t just gonna leave us here. He was too nice for that. Even if he wasn’t, we had potentially valuable information. We got out and took a few steps away from him giving him room to transform. He did as we predicted and as soon as he was fully transformed he kneeled down and looked us in the eye.

I was grinning like a Cheshire cat. I looked over at Slater. She seemed a bit apprehensive, but then again we were putting ourselves in a war.

I looked away from her at Bee. “This is fucking awesome.”

“What… can you tell… me?”

“The All-Spark needs to be destroyed,” I earned a solid glare from the mech for that one.

“You are shit at explaining things,” Slater said to me.

I shrugged and continued to stare up at the bot taking the time to examine each and every available piece of armor visible.

“Do you even believe that we’re not spewing bullshit?” she asked the bot.

“Willing to… believe anything… at this point…”

“Well that’s promising,” I said. He glared at me again.

“Blake is right. The All Spark has to be destroyed. It’s the only way to end the war. The Decepticons can’t be completely defeated. Peace will never be restored to Cybertron,” Slater explained.

“But you can find a new home. Here on Earth,” I said.

“Optimus will even say that’s how it has to end. Now you really only have two options here.” My voice took its usual hard edge.

“Here comes the bitch,” Slater sighed.

“You can either let us help you, and we can save so many more lives, or you can just go and continue the way things are going to go naturally. Do you know what that entails? Oh wait you don’t, but I do. What I know is that if things continue the way we’ve seen things Jazz is going to die. You are going to have your legs blown off, and the cube is going to be destroyed either fucking way.”

He revved in irritation.

“Bee, I know you’re a very kind and sweet mech. You’re actually really fucking adorable. Don’t try to play hard ass with me, because it’s not gonna fucking work. Now I have been interrogated, drugged, in and out of the damn hospital, my house has been searched and all my shit either hasn’t been invented yet or I just don’t own, so give me a fucking sign here.” I scowled at the mech.

“Blake, chill the fuck out,” Slate said. I did nothing. “If you keep looking like that then you’re going to get wrinkles.”

I smoothed out my expression.

“You’re rendezvousing with the other bots in an alley tomorrow night.” Slater started looking at the bot. “We’re not exactly sure where, but we can figure that out on our own, but we’re going to be there, whether you accept our help or not. If you don’t, we’re just gonna find another way. We know that the humans survive. We want to make sure as many Autobots survive as possible.”

His gaze softened as he looked at the two of us. “Meet us… behind… manufacturing… district… ”

“You’re gonna get Sam. He’s gonna run. You’re going to have to fight Barricade. Oh and you’ll end up taking his future girlfriend with you too,” Slate explained.

“When you fight Barricade, I suggest you kill him. If you don’t he’ll be a pain in the ass later on,” I added.



“WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?!” I screeched.

“Because you have no fucking sense of direction.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP SLATER! SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

“Who the fuck can’t find a whole damn district?”

I turned and smacked her upside her head.

“Really Bitch?” she asked.

“I told you to shut the fuck up. It’s not my fault that big ass truck has a stupid ass driver tipped in the round about. Who the fuck is that stupid though? Was he going fucking ninety? At least there would’ve been sign telling us where the fuck to go then.”

“Turn left here,” she said.

For once, I listened and somehow we ended up back on the main road. “New plan.” I said.

“What?”

“We walk,” I said pulling over.

“Did I just here what I think I heard? Blake Renne DeVille is going to walk somewhere.”

“Suck my dick,” I responded. I got out of my car and stood on the side walk. “Okay, where the fuck are we?”

“I don’t fucking know.”

“Rhetorical bitch. Alright. Let’s just fucking walk until we fucking figure something out.”

We walked for about five minutes, when our savior in the form of a sign appeared. “Dude look!” Slater said pointing across the street.

The sign was old and rusted. It read ‘Brinker back lot Stay out’. “Thank fucking God. It’s getting dark and they’re gonna land soon,” I said. We walked over, and it wasn’t a lot, but in an alley. We wondered down it looking for the meeting place. We eventually found it. The beat up car that Jazz used as a chair was the main identifier. I looked around. “This is fucking gross. They couldn’t have picked a damn field or something.”

“Will you quit your fucking bitching?!”

“Listen I’m not some art kid, who fucking dives in dumpsters and digs around in junk yards for inspiration.”

“I don’t dumpster dive, and I at least I don’t spend my days elbow deep in fucking computer parts.”

“Computer parts not as disgusting as trash.”

“Toxic.”

“Details.” I waved her off.

We waited for a while, until we saw headlights. Well, we heard Bee, before we saw him. I turned to towards where he drove up. Sam and Mikaela got out. Then I heard the rest coming.

“You!” Sam pointed at Slate. “You’re the girl that bought my car! What the hell is all this?” he asked her. “And who are you?!” He pointed at me.

Slater tried to calm Sam down and explained everything to him, well what she could. I ignored them and watched for the others. I was actually getting kind of nervous, which wasn’t normal for me. I shoved my hands in my pockets and fiddled with my keys. Bee drove forward just a bit and bumped me. I turned around to look at him.

“Don’t.. be scared…” his radio played.

“I’m not scared, just nervous. I idolized all of you when I was little. Hell, I’m twenty- well… err technically since we traveled back and reverted to our physical state from four years ago I’m eighteen, it’s irrelevant, I still idolize you guys. Sorry for being a bitch earlier. Well I’m not actually sorry, cause that’s just who I am, but still- Ah fuck I give up.” I turned away.

“It’s all good…” he replied.

“I saw head lights coming at us and the cool Pontiac solstice pulled up. He was quickly followed by everyone’s favorite GMC Topkick, the Grumpiest Search and rescue hummer of all time, and lastly the blue Semi with red flames.

Slater walked over and stood beside me.

Optimus began to transform. “Oh. My. God.” I gaped. Nothing no movie could have prepared me for the sight. The others followed his lead.

Slater bumped me with her arm to get my attention. I looked at her and she had the same look on her face as I did.

“Holy fuck,” I said.

Optimus knelt down and looked between all of us humans, his eyes finally settling on Sam. “Are you Samuel James Witicky decedent of Archibald Witwicky?” he asked.

“They know your name,” Mikaela said in amazement.

“Yes,” Sam answered.

“And we know theirs,” I said, regaining some of my composure. I looked up at the Prime. “You are Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.” I turned towards the medic. “Ratchet, the best CMO Cybertron has to offer.”

He looked proud before sniffing the air. “The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the females.”

Slater started laughing at Sam and Mikaela’s awkwardness.

I kept going. “Ironhide, Prime’s oldest friend, and weapon specialist. On your left you have an energy rocket launcher and on the right is a plasma rocket blaster.”

He twirled same weapons and aimed them at us. “You feeling lucky punk?”

“Easy Ironhide,” Optimus warned.

“It’s cool hard ass, just wants to show off his cannons.”

“Then there’s Jazz. He’s a saboteur and second in command.“ I kept going.

“What’s crackin’ little bitches? This looks like a cool place ta kick it.”

“Nope,” I said.

“Not really,” Slater backed me. “Vegas is a cool place though.”

“And New York,” I tagged on.

“Pittsburgh.”

“Vancouver, but that’s not important. Last, but certainly not least is Bumblebee. Bee is a scout and his vocal processors were damaged in battle so he can’t talk. Ratchet is still working on them.”

Bee started his little jig, but was stopped when Ratchet fired a regenerative laser at his vocal processor, causing the young scout to cough.

“How did Jazz learn to talk like that and how do you know all of this?” Sam asked Slater and I.

“We learned Earth’s languages through the world wide web,” Optimus answered the first question. “As for the second question, I would like to know the answer to that myself.”

“What’re your designations shorties?”

“I’m Blake DeVille.”

“And I’m Slater Hunt, and we traveled from a different dimension four years in the future, where you guys aren’t real, but are instead the center of a very popular franchise.”

“Which is why I know so much about you, because Transformers, which was the name of the franchise was pretty much my entire childhood. You’re here for the All-Spark, which is the life source of your planet, Cyberton. There’s a war going on between you Autobots and the Decepticons led by Megatwat, the biggest fucking asshole to ever exist I hope he fucking rusts in pit, where he belongs.”

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What is she talking about?” Sam asked.

Optimus projected the holograph of Cybertron in its final days before they left. “Our planet was once a powerful empire, peaceful and just, until we were betrayed by Megatron...“

“Twat,” I muttered under my breath.

“Cunt,” I heard Slater.

“Leader of the Decepticons. All who defied them were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet and the All Spark was lost to the stars. Megatron folloed it to Earth, where Captain Witwicky found him.”

“My grandfather.”

“It was an accident that intertwined our fates.”

We continued to watch on as Optimus showed Sam’s grandfather stumbling upon Megaprick.

“Megatron crash landed before he could retrieve the cube. He accidently activated his navigation system. The coordinates to the Cube’s location on Earth were imprinted on his glasses.”

“How’d you know about his glasses?” Sam asked.

“eBay.”

“eBay,” Sam repeated.

“Yep, eBay,” I said.

“Sure thing ladiesman217,” Slater added. We laughed as he glared.

The mood turned serious as ratchet spoke. “If the Decepticons find the All Spark, they will use its power to transform Earth’s machines and build a new army.”

“And the human race will be extinguished,” Prime continued.

“There’s not a chance in hell of that happening. I didn’t get this ugly ass scar for no fucking reason.”

“The glasses are in the kitchen. Sam, remember that because if you don’t your mom is going to have this awkward moment with you where she talks about you jacking off,” Slater said.

“Yeah, Sam’s special alone time.”

“I don’t like you two. I don’t care if the yellow one-“

“Slater, fuck face remember it,” she warned.

“Bought my car. You’re both bitches.”

“Why thank you, but I’m not just a bitch. I am the bitch.” I then turned towards Optimus with a tentative smile. “I need to talk to you,” I said. I looked at Slater who was already talking to Jazz. He was one of her favorites.

“What is it?” he asked.

“It would be better, if you let me ride with you that way we can get a move on,” I suggested.

“Yes. Time is of the essence.”

“Autobots transform and roll out. Bumblebee lead the way,” Optimus said.

“You wanna ride wit da Jazz-Man?” Jazz asked Slater.

She looked at me. “You good?”

“I’m good.”

“Sure,” she said to Jazz. He transformed and opened up his door for her. She got in. Optimus transformed down and opened the door for me. I climbed up into his cab.

“I am curious to know the full story on how you’ve traveled through dimensions as you think you have.”

“We’re not really sure what happened. We were on our way home from the final movie in the series, and there was an accident. I got a few cracked ribs and a cut on my face. Slater just had a messed up arm. We woke up and were being interrogated by sector seven agents.”

“And Sector Seven in the group that has been chasing after Bumblebee?” he asked.

“Yes. They’re bad people. They want to torment and experiment on you for their personal gain.”

“I see. What is it that you wanted to talk to me about? I can tell that there’s more to this than just answering my questions.”

“I’m... conflicted. I know that in order to change things I have to tell you what happens, but I don’t know exactly how much I can tell you and what things I have to let happen even if I don’t want them to.”

“Start with what you know you can tell me,” Optimus said.

“The cube is going to be destroyed.”

He ran air through his vents. “It is true. It is the only way to stop the war and bring peace to Cybertron. I take it you know my plan to destroy it?”

“Yes, and it’s not going to happen. I’m not just saying this either. It’s critical to both of our races that you survive.”

“Then what do you suggest?”

I ran a hand through my hair. “This is where it gets complicated. If I tell you what happens, you’re going to try to change it, and I don’t know how that actually affects the total outcome.”

“The cube is Plan A for the cons. There’s a B and a C too. I don’t know, if we can take those plans down if I let you breeze through this.”

“Although I have never been in your position, I understand your dilemma. You must choose what is best, even if it is not what you want. Blake, there is no way for you to be sure of the outcome of everything, but I will stand behind you in your decisions.”

“You trust me?” I asked.

“I have not known you long, but in the short time that I have, I can tell that this is eating you up inside, and even if you aren’t the kindest of people, you are one of the most righteous.”

“I am not a good example of righteous at all.”

“As you humans say, ‘your heart is in the right place’.”

“Thank you Optimus. There are some things I can tell you. For one, Bumblebee is going to be captured by S7. The agents are gonna roll up on Sam’s house around five minutes after we get there. He needs to go, and Sam needs to be taken in cause that’s gonna lead them to the All Spark. Then Jazz, make sure that the others know not to allow Jazz to engage Megatron. If he does, he will die.”

“Noted, we don’t have enough Autobots with us now as it is. We don’t need to lose another one, especially one as cared about and as trusted as Jazz.”

“Good, so Slater and I are going to get taken in with the rest of them. Make sure you get the glasses.”

“I will and what is your plan after you are taken into custody?”

“To free Bumblebee, get the All Spark, and get a little revenge.”

“These agents have threatened you?”

“They know that we know about you, but they don’t have any real proof. They’ve used someone I loved, to mess with me. I’m not letting them off that easily.”

“Be careful vengeance is a dangerous beast.”

“I will.”

We pulled into the alley behind Sam’s house. There were cars everywhere. “Fuck S7 is already here!” I once again ran my hand through my hair. “Did Bee drop Sam and Mikaela off?” I asked.

“Affirmative.”

“Good.”

“Should we go after them?”

“Yeah.”

He was quiet for a moment. I noticed all of the lights in his dash dimmed. “The others and I have a plan.”

“Good.”