A League of Villains

It was early in the morning and all the villains of HOPE were sitting in the fortress, trying to think of laws to put into place in our new lands. All of us had successfully usurped the rulers thrones and were currently establishing the new rule. We thought that if we had some international laws the people would be less likely to revolt against us. Unfortunately we couldn't come up with anything, and for some reason we were stupid enough to throw out the list of old laws from the last time we took over the world. We were also missing two of our members. There was an awkward silence right now. Shadow Link was trying to stuff his wavy hair under his hat, Darth Maul was  half heartedly head banging to his iPod, and Jafar appeared to be falling asleep in his chair.

"Alright, this is ridiculous. Rabia and Ganondorf  cannot be absent from these important meetings. We must go to the gerudo fortress and hold the next few meetings there." I said. "Vaati! Would you allow us to travel there by the winds?" Vaati jumped and hastily stowed his iPod back in his pocket.

      "What?! Yes, of course I can." he said, rolling his eyes. He clapped his hands and a large gust of wind transported us straight to the desert. Unlike last time, the gerudo didn't attack us and instead let us walk on past. Instead of going to the fortress we went up to the castle where Ganondorf and Rabia live. One of the guards showed us inside and led us upstairs and knocked on a door.

~~

A loud knock on the door roused Ganondorf from a deep sleep. He grumbled and climbed out of bed, trying not to wake up Rabia who he knew would be really bitchy if he did. He yawned and crossed the room and pulled the door open.

"What?" he growled at the guards outside the door. They looked at each other nervously, then over at us. "... what are you doing here?" he asked. Clearly the fact that we were in his home hadn't sunk in yet because he wasn't yelling.

 "We were missing some of our members, and these next few meetings are going to be very important! And none of us had any ideas..." I mumbled the last part.

 "Ganondorf, whoever it is, tell them to go away and come back. I'm fucking cold." Rabia called sleepily.

 "Go away." Ganondorf snapped, slamming the door shut. I knocked again a minute later but this time Rabia answered, looking really annoyed

"Go awa- Oh... hey guys." she yawned. “Why are you here?”

“We’re here because the next couple of meetings are going to be very important and you and Ganondorf must be present!” I said, somewhat hurt that Ganon shut the door in my face.

 “Oh...” she yawned. “Did you all manage to usurp the thrones then?” we all nodded. “Ugh, fine... Come on Ganon, get up.” We all followed them into the dining room and sat down to begin our meeting. Ganondorf was glaring at all of us angrily. He didn’t seem to be too happy that we were here.

 “Alright so we’ve all usurped the thrones, and now we have to establish our places as leaders.” Rabia raised her hand. “Yes Rabia?”

 “Can we have really strict punishment laws? I like to torture people. It’s fun.”

 “Yes, yes, whatever. Now, I don’t know what happened to the last set of laws we created, so that’s what we’re going to do today.”

 “Imbecile...” Ganondorf muttered. Rabia was sitting next to him munching on a muffin.

 “Oh Ganon, relax! Making up laws isn’t THAT hard.” she said, kissing his cheek.

 “You know what Rabia? Not everyone is a morning person like you.” he grumbled and made a face when she kissed him.

 “Does anyone have any ideas?” I asked with an intense feeling of deja vu.

 “Oh! I have a list!” she pulled it out of her pocket. “Oh... well... it’s kind of short. Anyway, they cannot carry arms except for clubs, and I am sexy.” Ganondorf rolled his eyes. “How about I just pass this around and we all write down our ideas?” she handed the paper to Shadow Link who immediately started writing. The paper made its way around the table and by the time it got back to Rabia, it was a full list. There weren’t many laws but they were all pretty amazing, and there were even rights and punishments.

 “Huh. Well... I feel stupid now. I guess we could’ve stayed at the fortress and done something similar. I guess we didn’t really need to come here today.” I stated. Ganondorf slammed his hands down on the table and gave me the angriest look he could muster. It was honestly kind of frightening.

 “Then WHY did you waste our time?!”

 “Well... um... I didn’t think it would be a waste of time. I don’t come up with the ideas! That’s Rabia’s job!”

 “You couldn’t think of something as simple as a list? Really?”

 “DON’T JUDGE ME I’M NOT A MORNING PERSON!” I wailed.

 “I’m not a morning person either, you idiot!” He glared at me and stood up. I cowered in my seat but he still grabbed me and threw me out the window. Thankfully I am a ghost, so I don’t think he got his anger out in the way he had hoped. I floated back inside and took my seat.

 “Well, that was RUDE.” I snapped.

 “I think Ganondorf is cranky because he hasn’t had breakfast yet... so... just stop pissing him off Zant.” Rabia said, handing him a muffin. “Do you want me to make you some coffee Ganon?”

 “Yes.” Rabia walked into the kitchen to go make Ganondorf some coffee and we all just stared at him. “WHAT?!” he snapped.

"You could've said please." Vaati stated. Ganondorf narrowed his eyes.

"Do you WANT to die?!" Ganon roared. Rabia walked back in and shook her head.

"Vaati don't egg him on." she pressed a mug into Ganon's hand. "You like it black, right?" He nodded and took a sip. I blinked.

"You know, it's amazing what you learn about a person by going to their house," I stated.

"Oh?" Rabia said, folding her arms together.

"I learned that Ganondorf is always angry... And weirdly clean and organized. I also learned that you're hot even when you've just gotten out of bed."

"That is oddly accurate," Rabia said thoughtfully. "Maybe you're just weirdly observant. Or just weird. And crazy. Mostly crazy."

"Thanks Rabia..." There was an awkward silence.

"Seriously... Why are you still here?" Ganondorf asked again, crossing his arms.

"We just wanted to catch up with you guys! Because, ya know... We're tight!"  One of the nearby guards erupted into a fit of giggles and Ganon glanced over at her suspiciously.

"...Nabooru?!" She started laughing harder and pulled the veil covering the lower half of her face off.

"Hey Ganny!" she chirped, wiping a tear of  laughter out of her eyes." He groaned.

"Go away."

"Awe, but Nabooru is awesome! I named our kitty after her!" Rabia said.

"Yeah. I know," he grumbled and drank from his mug.

"Come and join us, Nabooru!" Rabia said with a smile, sitting on Ganon's lap and offering up her chair. Nabooru sat down and stole a piece of Ganon's muffin. He glared at her and muttered something under his breath.

"What was that, Ganny?" Nabooru asked sweetly, giving him a large smile.

"Nothing." He finished his coffee and we all fell into a silence.

"So... come here often?" Sephiroth winked and Nabooru giggled.

"I live here, silly." She smiled and batted her eyelashes.

"Are you wearing lipgloss?" he asked, tilting his head to the side a little.

"Um, yeah I think so." He grinned.

"Can I taste it?" She giggled and shoved him playfully.

"Oh stop it!"

"Really though, have you always been this cute? Or did you have to work at it?" She blushed and smiled.

"You're so sweet! You're making me blush." Nabooru giggled and covered her face.

"REALLY?! Would you STOP?!" Ganondorf slammed his hands down on the table.

"Oh calm down Ganon..." Rabia said, patting his arm gently.

"Nabooru... If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?" Sephiroth said hopefully. Ganondorf sighed.

"You're so corny!" She giggled.

"Seriously, SHUT UP!" Ganondorf roared. "You are so ANN-" he yelped and Rabia jumped off his lap in shock. "That WOULD happen! Come on Rabia, lets go in the other room..."

"Wait, what happened?" Nabooru asked.

"She decided to go into labor WHILE SITTING ON ME!"

"I didn't actually DECIDE... it was just bad timing." Rabia said. Vaati started to laugh.

"That's so GROSS! I love it!" Ganondorf glared at him.

"Rabia, lets go." He took her arm and they walked out of the room.

"Well now that Ganondorf's gone, there's no one left to annoy." Sephiroth said, moving closer to Nabooru with a wink.

"Well maybe we can find something to do here in gerudo valley." I said. "What do gerudo usually do?"

"Oh, we just go into castle town and steal some stuff. Like food, money, whatever we can get really." Nabooru shrugged.

"...I think we all know what we have to do..."


~~LATER~~


"Don't ever come and steal from castle town again!" One of the guards yelled, slamming the cell door shut. "Nasty gerudo... sheesh." The villains of HOPE and a small group of gerudo had tried to rob a grocery store when they had been caught by a few of the guards.

"I TOLD you to be quiet!" Nabooru said, crossing her arms and glaring at Vaati. "What would EVER possess you to yell 'AHHH NOT MY PERSNICKET!' in the middle of the alley we were hiding in?!"

"I didn't think they'd hear us!" Vaati said defensively. Nabooru shook her head.

"You're lucky they will only keep us here for the night. Are you all this crazy?"

"No, it's pretty much just Vaati." I said.

"I wouldn't be talking, Zant! You're crazier than I am."
"You're right. You're just stupid."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are to-"

"Oh shut up!" Darth Vader said, flicking his cape back over his shoulder and staring menacingly at us. "Can't we use this time to do something PRODUCTIVE?!" We all just stared at him blankly. "Unbelievable. It's like talking to a frickin wall..."

"We could play gold fish!" Shadow Link said, pulling cards out of his pocket.

"Gold fish?" Sephiroth asked. "Don't you mean 'Go Fish'?" Shadow Link glared at him.

"Clearly you knew what I meant, so why do you insist on correcting me? No one cares about your opinion."

"Nabooru does. So there." Sephiroth stuck his tongue out at Shadow.

"If you're not careful I might just cut that off." Shadow hissed.

"Boys, boys, can't we all just get along?" I sat down on the floor. "Why don't you pass out the cards, Shadow?" I asked. Everyone else followed my example and sat down as well. Shadow passed out the cards, all the while glaring at Sephiroth. "Darth Maul, aren't you going to play?" The red faced sith shook his head and pulled a harmonica out of his white and black striped shirt and began to play. A few hours passed before a guard showed up again.

"You have ONE phone call." Immediately Shadow Link took the phone and dialed a number none of us recognized.

"Who are you calling?" Vaati asked. "Can you call Malon? Ask her how she's doing. I wonder if she'll want a souvenir while we're in town."

"I'm calling Sheik. Now everyone shut up so I can get him to come." We heard the phone ringing and finally Sheik answered.

"Hello?" he sounded tired.

"Sheik! It's me, Link! I've been thrown in jail for drug possession!"

"Again?" There was a sigh. "How much is the bail? I'll be right over..."

"22 thousand rupees."

"That seems more expensive than usual." Sheik said thoughtfully. "Was it a serious drug this time?! More serious than mushrooms?!"

"Yeah... it was um... a coconut. I crushed the shell and sold it to children to snort..."

"What? But that's not a dr-"

"Just come!" Shadow hung up the phone. We waited for a while, listening to Darth Maul's harmonica when finally a guard unlocked the cell and let us out.

"Hey, wait... you're not Link!" Sheik said in shock.

"Sheik, you love me just as much though!" Shadow said with a smile.

"You owe me 22 thousand rupees."

"Yeah. Let me get right on that." Shadow replied. We all left the jail and an angry Sheik behind us. We walked back to Ganondorf's castle and bought Malon a souvenir on the way. We could hear Rabia swearing at Ganon outside. Once we were inside it was quiet. So quiet you could hear Link's non existent conscience telling him what to do.

"So... We should go see their baby!" Vaati said, hopping out of his chair. We all followed him back down the hall to their bedroom and opened the door. Rabia was asleep and Ganondorf was sitting next to her looking rather smug. "Hey Ganon! Is your baby cute?!"

"It is not 'cute'. He is handsome." Ganon replied.

"Don't you mean she is beautiful?" Vaati asked, plopping down on the bed and waking up Rabia who threw a pillow at his head.

"No, he is handsome."

"He? What? I'm sorry I think you got the gender wrong." Vaati was confused. "YOU CAN'T HAVE MALE CHILDREN SO STOP LYING!" Rabia threw another pillow at his head.

"Vaati be quiet..." she groaned and buried her head under yet another pillow. Ganondorf started laughing his booming laugh and Vaati sat down and shook his head.

"IT'S NOT POSSIBLLLLE!" he yelled.

"OKAY SERIOUSLY?! WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!" Rabia yelled angrily.

"Rabia, did you REALLY have a son?" Vaati asked.

"Yes, now BE QUIET!" She rolled back over and fell asleep.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Vaati cried, falling to his knees dramatically.

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" Rabia yelled, throwing one of Ganon's nearby shoes at his head. It made a satisfying clunking noise when it bounced off his skull.

"Ow..." Shadow Link and Sephiroth sat down on the end of the bed and stared at Rabia while she was sleeping.

"Vaati, you're just mad I had a son!" Ganondorf said with another laugh.

"I'm not mad! You didn't have a son. It's not possible! You had a daughter and you're just in denial."

"If you say so, Vaati."

"Aww.... she's so pretty when she's sleeping..." Sephiroth said with a creepy smile. Rabia kicked him hard enough to knock him off the bed. "Ow..."

"Wait... were you here all NIGHT?!" Ganondorf asked.

"What? NO! Don't be silly!" I said. "We got arrested for trying to rob a grocery store!"

"How do you get arrested robbing a grocery store?" Ganondorf asked in disbelief. "You are the WORST thieves!"

"Well we were hiding and Vaati yelled 'NOT MY PERSNICKET!' so we got caught and then Shadow tricked Sheik into bailing us out." I nodded.

"Figures Vaati was dumb enough to get you all arrested." Ganon said, shaking his head. "Now go away!" We all blinked and stared at him.

"What?" Vaati asked.

"Get out. If you don't leave my guards will kick you out." He glared. We all scurried to the door in our hurry to leave.

"Bye Ganondorf! Have a good weekend!" I waved as I was swept out the door by the rushing crowd. He glared at me as we left. Yes, we are certainly as tight as a pair of friends could get.