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Characters

• 

  Kaikoura

  Gender:

  Female

  Age:

  17

  ~”Well -- *is forever interrupted*!” Kaikoura is shukaku132... in HYLIAN FORM! So special... She’s close friends with Midna and Rabia -- but despite her constant efforts -- is hated by Zelda. She’s blonde and kind of acts like she’s stoned at times, but we accept these things. She’s madly in love with Link, but everyone is convinced she’s in love with Sheik instead. She later ends up marrying him through an “arranged” marriage... set up by Zelda.

• 

  Rabia

  Gender:

  Female

  Age:

  17

  ~”Dealing with Link is a fate worse than death -- this is why we don’t torment the Sheikah.” Rabia is a crazy Zora-turned-Gerudo chick who ends up marrying Ganondorf -- just to torment Link and gain control over other lands. She’s close friends with Zelda and Kaikoura, and flirts with Shadow Link whenever she can. She hates Link with a passion and constantly tries to find ways to cause him pain. Can’t you see why she’s perfect for Ganon?

• 

  Dramatic Link

  Gender:

  Male

  Age:

  17

  ~”I can only have one quote? But... I say so many poetic things...” Link -- oh dear, where to begin... Well, Link is totally oblivious to the world around him. His life revolves around rescuing Zelda or getting high, and he “isn’t” in a relationship with Prince Marth. He has a bit of bad luck, so bad things always seem to be happening to him. He’s also dramatic and gives people headaches with his nearly constant wailing and whining. Lastly, he’s obsessed with finding a girlfriend -- but is put in an arranged marriage by the Deku Tree Sprout. Boo hoo.

• 

  Midna

  Gender:

  Female

  ~”If I could kill anyone in any world, I would kill Zant -- again.” Midna is ruler of the Twili race in the Twilight Realm, and is also Zelda’s “worst enemy.” She’s sarcastic, but in a cool way, and usually one of the only voices of reason among the group. She’s good friends with Kaikoura, but isn’t particularly close to anyone else (unless she’s dating them). Oh, and she still really hates Zant and Ganondorf.... and beef products.

• 

  Shadow Link

  Gender:

  Male

  Age:

  16

  ~”:3 xD -w- ;p ^ . ^ :D “ Yes, Shadow Link likes to make lots o’ faces when he types... But that’s beside the point! He’s a little creepo and likes to hit on or flirt with, like, anyone. He serves Vaati, and everybody believes he’s secretly in love with him. This has yet to be proven, however. He can teleport using shadows, but can only come out during the late afternoon or at night due to the position of the sun or something like that. His partner in crime is Rabia, and the two are often seen making other people’s lives miserable. But he's cute, so it's all good.

• 

  Sheik NOT Zelda

  Gender:

  Male

  Age:

  19

  ~”.....” Sheik is a very reserved person. He spends much of his time saying poetic things, helping Link with his problems, and drinking soup. He’s very good friends with Link and Zelda, even though the two don’t always treat him very well. He’s put into an arranged marriage with Kaikoura, even though he’d prefer to be single. Oh yeah, and if you can’t tell, he’s a HE, not a she. Get over it, Femme Sheik lovers.

• 

  Dead Zant

  Gender:

  Male

  Age:

  27

  ~”-siiiigh- Forever alone...” Poor Zant is dead, single, and lonely. Rabia is one of his only friends, along with the famous Dark Lord, Voldemort. Could this be because neither of them really have noses? I have no idea! All I know is that Zant is dead, and doesn’t have many friends. In his spare time, he hosts parties and paints lovely watercolors. Like, truly, you should see them sometime. Just saying.

• 

  Princess Zelda

  Gender:

  Female

  Age:

  19

  ~”A quote? Uhhh.... what’s Sheik’s quote? Can I use that one? Wait, why are you writing this down? I don’t want this as my quote!” Quite honestly, Zelda is a huge bitch. People either love her or hate her for this... and usually, people don’t love it. She claims she’s “hard to get,” but has a new boyfriend almost every other week. She goes partying and clubbing a lot with Rabia, and always wants to be the center of attention. She secretly harbors a massive crush on Link, but only because she thinks he’ll do things for her that most normal men would never subject themselves too. She hates Midna and Kaikoura for no reason at all, and is a horrible ruler!

• 

  Ganondorf Dragmire

  Gender:

  Male

  Age:

  38

  ~”Let’s have some fun this beat is sick, I want to take a ride on your disco stick!.” Alright, now that I’m going to be brutally ***ed... ON WITH THE BIO! Ganondorf is an angry Gerudo man ; in fact, he is the ONLY Gerudo man. He has a daughter named Kabira, who’s totally following in his footsteps, and has been married *counts this...* 3 times. His queen is (and his only successfullish marriage is with) Rabia. Basically, he’s always angry and refuses to do anything if it’s not done his way. So, he’s spoiled. (I’m so dead) (by 38, he means like 938...)

• 

  Lord Vaati

  Gender:

  Male

  Age:

  120

  ~”Is my quote better than Ganon’s yet?” Lord Vaati (usually just called Vaati) is a lavender not-so-evil villain. Sure, he CLAIMS he’s a better villain than Ganondorf, but this has never once been shown. He steals Ganon’s first wife, Malon, in an attempt to get revenge on him. However, he turns out to fall in love with her and gets her pregnant after a contraceptive spell fails him. (OW OWWWWW!) He created Shadow Link and his now his master, and is obsessed with playing Monster Pet Shop and DDR. Although he’s a “villain,” he’s very tiny and adorable -- making him very nonthreatening.