You're My Favorite Song

In the couple weeks I have know Jake he has become my best friend. There were still secrets that needed to be found out and stories to be told but that’s what made the friendship so amazing. When I met Stephanie she didn’t care about me, Jake does. He wants to know anything and I’m the same way. Everyday he would come pick me up from school and we’d go to his house to hang out and get shit done, well except for the days he worked. He worked the early shift so most of the time he was off before I was out of school.

The Monster Inside were doing another headlining show at the House of Blues, but this time it was crucial. Several different labels, including the one my dad worked for, were going to be there listening to them. This was a huge, they could get signed and start recording and touring. Most of the boys were calm, well all of them except Jake. It was understandable, Jake wanted this more than anything.

I was currently sitting on Jake’s bed sorting some merchandise they had gotten in. They had asked me to sell merch and the show this time. Crazy right? My mom thought so. It’s like I’m becoming her and my dad, I was the second chance at their love story. Subconsciously this worried me, but I tried to keep my anxiety under control. Jake was sitting next to me strumming his guitar and humming something. Secretly I think Jake wanted to sing, more than just back up vocals

“I really like the design you guys came up with. It’s perfect,” I said while folding and counting in the shipment. The shirt was two arms intertwined with each other, if you looked closely you could see faint scars on both their arms...The Monster Inside.

“Haze take one, you are selling them after all,” Jake said all the while strumming the same rhythm.

I was going to pay for the shirt but Jake insisted I take it, so reluctantly I did. I walked into his bathroom and changed my Green Day shirt out for this one. From one band to another, just the way I liked things. I was almost finished with the shirts when I thought of something.

“Hey Jake who picked your guys’ band name?” Curiosity taking over, it wasn’t like it was a bad question. Lots of band name their bands silly things, I was just curious to see if there was meaning behind them.

“Me kinda...I mean we all agreed on it,” Jake said distractedly.

I didn’t think much of his distracted attention he was practicing, something I knew was very important. I couldn’t help but think of the deeper meaning of the name though. The picture depicted on the shirts spoke such a loud message, it put me under the impression that this band name was more than just a name.

I finished counting the shirts and placed them back into the boxes, by the time I was finished Jake had put his guitar down and was know lying on his bed. I laid down next to him and he pulled me closer. It was Friday night so I didn’t have a curfew tonight, plus my mom knew where I was going to be. As I lied next to Jake, his arms around me, I couldn’t help but ponder the same thoughts.

The Monster Inside? It described my life perfectly. I mean music was my savior from my self. It helped ease my anxiety and helped me stop my frequent self harming habit that I had acquired in middle school. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was their escape from the same kinds of demons. I knew well enough that asking about this topic wasn’t going to be easy, but I cared and wanted to know.

“How’d you guys come up with the idea for the shirt?” I asked trying to ease my way into this.

“I actually designed it,” He said shyly. “The Monster Inside, the thoughts that make someone purposely hurt themselves. I don’t know it seemed to make sense,” He mumbled the last part.

“I think its a strong message, defiantly appropriate.” I subconsciously scratched at my thighs. I was never the typical self harmer. I knew I couldn’t get away with doing it on my wrist so I chose my legs. It was easy to hide as long as I didn’t wear shorts, which I never ever do. “This may be a bad question but...uh...have you ever...you know what forget it,” I decided to back out of my question before I screw something, like this friendship up.

“Have I ever cut?” He finished my sentence. He pulled me up from our laying down to position and was now sitting in front of my criss cross, I mirrored his posture. We sat there for a couple minutes just staring at each other. He didn’t need to say words I knew he had, I think he could tell I had too. It was a silent conversation using only our eyes. He finally broke the silence. “It was in high school, I just didn’t know what to do with myself I tried it for a while. I regret it in some ways but it did lead me to music. That was a plus I guess,” He sighed and looked down.

I didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone who exposes their darkest moments to you? You don’t say anything. He didn’t mind my silence instead he laced our fingers together.

“Do you um have...scars?” I said barely above a whisper.

“Some,” He moved the bracelets that covered his arms to reveal the shallow scars that were visible only if one was looking. “My battle wounds,” He chuckled, I smiled softly up at him. He looked at me with his piercing green eyes, I knew what was coming. “Have you?”

I sighed and looked down. I couldn’t look him in the eyes it was to hard, admitting something you’ve never told anyone was painful. Sure my parents new about my anxiety but never what it caused me to do, it would kill them. Stephanie didn’t know about my anxiety or anything, Jake would be the first person to find out other than my family and I was scared. Scared that he would laugh and leave me, I pushed that thought aside. He cared, he actually cared. “Um I’ve suffered from really bad anxiety for a long time. I’m suppose to take medication for it but it doesn’t help...it just gives me nastier thoughts. I take it only when I have to, when I have my panic attacks. When it was first happening and I started taking the medication I lost myself. No one knows about it, well I guess until right now. I was looking for an escape and for some reason I didn’t want music to be it. I figured I could control it...stupid right?”

“I don’t think its stupid at all. Hazel I get it, completely.” I didn’t realize I was crying until he wiped the tears from my eyes. “It wasn’t your wrists was it?” I shook my head.

I was wearing sweatpants so I pulled them just enough to see the several dozens scars I had inflicted upon myself. He didn't flinch, instead he pulled me close to him. I sat there looking at him watching him slowly lean into me, I realized what was going on. Jake places a soft kiss upon my lips. My first kiss. My bodied electrified and butterflies erupted in my stomach. I just told Jake the most private thing of my life, and he understood. He kissed me at the most vulnerable moment of my life. He was special.

We sat there in silence, recalling the pain that had drove us both to a disastrous rode. Our scares were battle wounds, like he had said, and now they were something we shared. I absentmindedly, traced the scars that defined his struggles. I began to a hum a song I had been listening to earlier. Jake heard me and grabbed his guitar quickly strumming the same chords I had been humming. In unison we sang the lyrics.

I kissed the scars on her skin
I still think you're beautiful
And I don't ever want to lose my best friend.

We sang the entire song in harmony, completing each other in just another form. Its crazy to think that after just four weeks I had began to fall for a boy that was my everything. When we finished he gave me a look of astonishment.

“Damn Haze you can sing!” He said hugging me tighter than I thought was possible.

“So can you Mr. Guitarist.”

I pulled away from him and he placed a simple kiss on my lips, smiling at me with piecing green eyes.