Alone.

In one day, I lost everything.

When I overheard those women talking about that girl so many years ago, the girl I wish I knew her name to, the girl who changed how I saw things, the girl who killed herself. I swore I’d never hurt myself. Never in a million years. Nothing was worth hurting me over. Nothing was worth ending my life. Nothing.

But that didn’t stop me from picking up the razor the first time, or the second time, or third. I can remember the day I picked it up. I found it. Yeah its gross, I didn’t know where it came from, or who used it last but I didn’t care anymore.

That’s when I finally made my decision. I just wanted the pain and loss to go away. So I pulled the blades out of the razor. I didn’t know what I was doing, really. I didn’t know why I was doing this, but it felt right at the time. And it helped me a lot.

I pressed them against my skin until I couldn’t feel it anymore, until the pain was unbearable. The pain that overcame my heartache, my loneliness, my emptiness. At least, for a little while.

I sat there on the ground, watching the blood seep out of my wounds. It felt so good. I didn’t feel like me anymore. I felt free. Free of Dylan. Free of the school and everything in it. Free of my foster parents. Free of my mother, and my father. Just plain free.

I kept to myself for the rest of that year. I didn’t open myself up to new friendships or relationships. I let my grades drop. I let people call me names. I let people shove me around. And I let myself return to those blades ever single night.

Grade ten passed so slowly. Science class was hell. I couldn’t concentrate. Mr Rick’s knew me and Dylan were good friends during the months we were dating so he kept pairing us up together. I wish he didn’t know. I thought he was one of those authoritative teachers who paired students who didn’t even know each other. But I guess not. Nonetheless, it was so awkward.

He wouldn’t try to attempt to talk to me. And I wouldn’t either. Only if we had to. Because we both did something wrong between us, and I admit it. I had no right to punch him like that. But I just cant forget either for why I did it.

Not because he said we were done, but because he wouldn’t say it sooner. That he could just waltz out of my life without even saying so. That he made me cry and hurt for days as he avoided me.

And he showed no care in the world. That smile was proof of that.

“Do you know the answer to equation C?” Dylan asked focused on the sheet.

I on the other hand was focused on the clock, waiting for the bell to ring so I can get on with my day.

“C + O2  CO2; 2H2 + O2  2H2 O is the equation.” Dylan said, still not looking up.

Whatever, I’m not looking at him either. I keep my eyes glued to the clock, and the clock only.

And soon, the bell did ring. The next three classes went on as usual. He wasn’t in any of them which made it bearable. And that’s all I needed.

I failed two of my classes that year. Science was one of them. I couldn’t concentrate with Dylan sitting behind me. I couldn’t think about anything but how stupid I had been, falling for Dylan. My teacher was disappointed in me. He said I had been doing so great this year, and he asked what happened. I just shrugged my shoulders, saying, “I don’t know.”

June 23rd. Summer was finally here. I wouldn’t have to awkwardly sit in science class with Dylan anymore. I wouldn’t have to see cute couples walk around together, holding hands and being happy, knowing that I wouldn’t ever be happy like them. I wouldn’t have to walk down the hallways, trying to shrug off everyone’s words and act as if they didn’t hurt me.

I should be happy. No school. No more waking up early. No more classes. I get to hang out with friends all summer. Oh wait, what friends? I had nothing to do that summer. No friends to talk to, nobody to hang out with. So I spent my summer with me, the freedom of the park I now lived in, and beautiful, sharp razorblades.