We're Slightly Less Screwed

“Midnight rush, with a pen in my hand
Dinkin Lincoln, sand-script with a fan
Remembering me, before we began
Sometimes I felt so Def in the Jam

“Oh my god! Do we have to listen to this shit?” Epps bitched from his spot in the passenger’s side. He’d just finished his shift, and now, I was back behind the wheel of the Volt. We were almost there.

“You should savor this. She will go completely bat shit crazy and turn into this weird ass thing in about two months,” I told him.

“But the ones who loved me, told me to stop
Like home girl can't catch shit if it drops
A superwoman chick, you know that I am
Some shit don’t fly by me in a man” I sang along relatively quietly.

I got more into it at the bridge.

“Cuz I do not accept any less
Than someone just as real, as fabulous”

“You’re good, B,” Epps said.

I just kept going.

“Don’t want no paper gangsta
Won’t sign away my life to
Someone who’s got the flavor
But don’t have no follow through
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Won’t sign no monkey papers
I don’t do funny business
Not interested in fakers
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Oo ohhhh
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Oo ohhh

“Got something really shiny to start
Want me to sign there on your range rover heart?
I’ve heard it before
Yeah, the dinners were nice
Till your diamond words melted into some ice

“You should been rapping to the beat of my song Mr. California,
Paper gangsta and I’m lookin’ for love, not an
Empty page full of stuff that means nothing but
‘You’ve been played’

“Cuz I do not accept any less
Than someone just as real, as fabulous

“Don’t want no paper gangsta
Won’t sign away my life to
Someone who’s got the flavor
But don’t have no follow through
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Won’t sign no monkey papers
I don’t do funny business
Not interested in fakers
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Oo ohhhh
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Oo ohhh

“don’t want no paper gangsta
Won’t sign away my life to
Someone whose got the flavor
But don’t have no follow through
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Won’t sign no monkey papers
I don’t do funny business
Not interested in fakers
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Oo ohhhh
Don’t want no paper gangsta
Oo ohhh”

“Where’d you learn to sing like that?” he asked me.

“I’m gifted as a mother fucker,” I responded.

“Seriously, I’m surprised you haven’t recorded a demo or anything and tried to get signed.”

“I’m an heiress, who is gonna run a giant ass chain of hotels, not a singer. That’s an old dream.”

“It’s a good dream. You have the talent and getting studio time would be no issue.”

“It’s a dead dream, now let it go,” I snarled my grip on the steering wheel tightening.

“Chill out.”

“Didn’t you just drive for six straight hours? Don’t you want to take a nap or some shit. We’re gonna be a few more hours.”

I had driven the first six hours. Bobby got the second. The last four hours were mine. Ratchet had gone ahead and so had Kat and the rest of the team. Our asses got left behind.

“Why didn’t you go to see the girls land?” Bobby asked me. “I’m sure if you had asked, Prime would’ve agreed.”

“Not gonna intrude on a moment,” I said.

“What do you know?” he asked me.

“Chromia and Ironhide are sparkbonded, which is like being married in Cybertronian terms. It’s different though. Cybertronians’ connections are way more emotional than anything else, since their metal bodies have very little give, and physical contact is difficult for them.”

“You really do know everything.”

“Since, their bonded, Ironhide knew Chromia was coming, he just didn’t say anything.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because, unless they cut off the bond, which is very unlikely, they felt each other. They can feel what the other is feeling, how far away they are, and they can talk to each other through it. So can twins. Very rarely, when a spark is to go into a frame and a Cybertronian is to be born, the spark will split, creating two. These two are twins and being that they’re half of the same spark, they have all of the same properties as spark mates.”

“The Autobots have any twins?” Epps asked.

“Two sets. Mudflap and Skidz, who are the two dumbest non Decepticons that you will ever encounter. Oh my god. They caused a whole bunch of controversy, because they’re pretty much a racist stereotype for black people. They do nothing other than fight over who is the smarter, but they’re sparks are in the right place and when needed, they can be capable warriors.”

“Do we have the alt modes for them yet?”

“They’re gonna have to be a crappy ice cream truck at first. We can get their final alt modes soon enough, but they’ll be two little Chevys, a beat and a trax.”

“And the other set?”

“My favorites. You cannot tell them though. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe. They are two of the most arrogant mother fuckers, but they can back it up. Sideswipe is the nicer of the two, and typically, thought of as younger one. He’s not the biggest fan of the human race, but isn’t a massive prick about it. Sunstreaker on the other hand is a complete and total asshole. He has sociopathic tendencies. He hates Earth. He hates everything about it other than sunsets, but that last part is just a theory.”

“Sunsets?”

“He’s a painter. Everyone thinks he likes to paint sunsets, but who knows. They’re pranksters, so if they both look too happy stay away. Their favorite targets are Ratchet, Hide, Prowl and Red Alert. Whatever you do, do not touch Sunstreaker. He hates organic everything. If his paint gets messed up, he will flip out.”

“It’s that serious?”

“There’s only one person I can think to compare Sunstreaker to, when it came to vanity, me,” I said honestly. “He prides himself on being the best Cybertron has to offer, the best fighter, the best looking, the fastest.”

“Of course he’d be your favorite,” Epps said.

“Not he. They. You can’t really have either without the other. Distance messes with their psych, and if one were to die, the pain of losing him would cause the other to completely lose it and offline themselves.”

“That’s intense,” he said. “To kill yourself, because your twin died.”

“It’s not like losing a twin to them. It’s not like losing a separate being. It’s losing a part of themselves.”

“What else do you know?”

I launched into my obnoxious knowledge of the fandom. Some things I glanced over, like Beast Wars. That was a very dark time for most Transfans. I could’ve gone on for even longer, but when we saw Ratchet and the team, I stopped.

“Gonna have to tell me more of this sometime. It actually sounds like it was a cool cartoon.”

“Bobby, it would’ve been your shit.” I got out of the Volt and walked over to Ratchet. “Are you excited?” I asked.

“It will be useful to have another set of servos in the medbay.”

I knew that was as close to a yes as I was gonna get from him. We stood in silence for a few moments, before Jolt streaked across the sky. “Amazing,” I said. He landed and with the clicks and whirls only a Cybertronian could produce, he unfolded until he stood tall in his protoform. “This is so fucking cool.” I was fangirling a little bit internally, just a little bit.

“Jolt, my apprentice, it is good to see you’ve fared well in your travels.”

“It is good to see you as well.”

“I will introduce you to the humans here with us, but first your alt mode,” Ratchet said. “Blake, explain.”

“It’s a Chevy Volt. Works, since you’ll have a fondness for nature. It’s eco-friendly, and since it’s electric, it’ll really be good with your electrowhips. It’s electric blue, because I guess you’d like it more than silver or red. Maybe it’s just the irony,” I said.

“Blake has somehow managed to travel from another dimension, where our existence and war is a very popular toy, cartoon, comic book and film franchise. She knows everything about us, and although, it can be annoying, it is also very helpful,” Ratchet explained.

“I hear you’re a snob, so either we’re gonna get along just fine, because I am a snob as well, or you’re gonna piss me off, and I’ll rip your fucking cables out,” I said cheerily.

“Ignore her. She doesn’t have the means, nor the knowle-“

“At the wrists, behind the knee, at the elbow joint and near the spinal strut. That’s, where your main energon lines are. On the back of your helm there’s a port that can out you into stasis.”

“I may not have the means, but I do have the knowledge. Do not underestimate me, especially since I’ve been working on some shit.”

Jolt scanned the volt and transformed, before transforming back to his bipedal mode. “We should go now, before Decepticons detects us. Once we’re at base we will discuss a more sensitive subject.”

“So who’s driving cause I’m sleeping?” I asked.

“If it is alright with her, I want to ask her about this planet and her knowledge of us.”

“Better she rides with you than me,” Ratchet said, transforming. “Epps you are in need of recharge and aren’t in condition to drive. The other two will take your and Blake’s place in driving the Volt back to base.

Jolt transformed and opened the door. I got in and sat down. “I’ll answer your questions about Earth no problem, anything about what I know you’ll only get if you answer a question of mine.”

“That is fair Blake.”

“Then shoot.”