All We've Ever Known

My alarm went off, jolting me out of a deep, medication-induced sleep. I opened my eyes and glanced at the clock, my eyesight too fuzzy to even make out the letters that were not two feet away from my face. I swiftly grabbed my glasses and read the flashing numbers – 6:30. I groaned inwardly, since I was in no mood to go to work. Normally, I thoroughly enjoyed my job – it paid great money and I was surrounded by extremely kind people in the dental office I worked at, all just for cleaning people’s teeth! It was to get me through school though, and that was the part I hated.

I was never one for education – ever. I dropped out of high school the moment I saw the water rising. I was “lucky”, in the least disgusting way, that I got the shit kicked out of me to get myself back on track, otherwise I wouldn’t have even bothered with college. I was grateful for the opportunity to earn a good education, even if I didn’t have the proper funds to afford it. My program ended in just a few short months, and then I’d be free to fully pay off all of the debt I owed.

I climbed out of bed, my body aching terribly. I had been feeling very well the past couple of months, but the past week was tough on my entire body it seemed. Everything felt like it hurt – my arms, legs, chest – it all seemed to pile up on me and was beginning to raise my anxiety levels where I didn’t want them to be.

I wobbled over to the bathroom and took a quick shower, allowing the hot water, mixed with intervals of cold water, to relax my achy body. I dried myself off and quickly did my hair, not particularly caring what it would look like, since I was most likely throw it up into a ponytail. I put my usual makeup on, paying extra attention to the deep, pink scars that I hated so very much.

To any other person, they were always skin-colored and less noticeable. However, they were still incredibly noticeable, no matter what I did to hide them. They were right smack on my face, and how do you expect to cover something in such plain sight so that no one would notice? Whenever I’d take my makeup off they were bright pink, which is why I always had makeup on until the last very second before I went to sleep. I was so ashamed of them I couldn’t even begin to describe it. I shook my head and just put my contacts in before going back to my bedroom.

I put my scrubs on and grabbed my purse from my desk and swiftly left my room. Paul was sitting and reading the paper on the couch, and Val was smoking outside, busy typing away on her phone.

“I’m going to work,” I muttered as I put my shoes on.

“Alright, got any plans tonight?” Paul asked, not even looking up from his paper.

Like any normal person, I should have plans on a perfectly beautiful Friday, but I usually never did… I either stayed at home, or went out with Val. I didn’t really have much of a social life outside of a few very close friends or my family… And a lot of the time, that really brought me down. That was one thing I’d have to work on if I wanted to deem myself “all better”, if I’d even ever be that…

“No,” I replied, opening the door. “I’ll be home around 4:30…”

“Yup.”

I shut the door and left the apartment building, allowing the cool, early-May breeze to lift my spirits. If I had a favorite month, it would most definitely be May. I had no bad memories associated with that month, and it was just flat out beautiful. It was a time where I felt extremely hopeful, even when my life might not be going the way I want it to.

When I got to work, Carol greeted me, as happy as she usually was. I forced a smile and set my stuff at my small desk towards the back of the office, starting up my computer.

“What does today look like?” I asked as I signed in.

“Well, you have Michael coming in about twenty minutes, and then Chelsea Walsh made a last minute appointment for 8:30,” she replied, double checking that she was correct. I nodded and brought up the schedule, feeling good about the patients we had. Today seemed like an okay day, despite the nagging pain that seemed to have come together in my lower back.

“So what are your plans for tonight?” she asked, turning her chair around to look at me, a big, toothy smile plastered to her face. I had to laugh, since this was the second time I was asked in less than an hour.

I sat down in my chair and faced Carol, immediately feeling the warmth that just radiated from her personality. She was a young-looking, 50-something-year-old (her age, she would never disclose) and was as fit as ever. She was a mother of three, and a grandmother of only one, and was so incredibly dedicated to her family. She was the type of woman you could cry to without feeling like you were pestering her, and you could spill your guts without being judged, both I have never done, though I always wished I had the strength to.

“Nope, nothing so far…” I mumbled, biting my thumb nail.

“You should seriously date my grandson! He’s so incredibly handsome and you are absolutely gorgeous – so there’s a perfect couple right there! He’d sure keep you busy!” she said, winking.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to my computer, opening up the internet. “Oh, I’m sure he would. But I’m not really interested in dating anyone now…” Lies.

“Are you kidding me?!” Carol exclaimed. “Come on… Someone as beautiful as you has to have a boyfriend.”

“Carol, I’m far from beautiful… I just… Can’t afford a boyfriend at the moment.”

“And why’s that? Who was your last boyfriend?”

I sighed. Ever since that night in the parking lot of the Merriweather Post Pavilion, I couldn’t seem to get Alex off of my mind, and it seemed that any time I’d successfully get away from him, someone would unknowingly throw him right back in my face.

“You’re hesitating,” Carol laughed, jolting me out of my thoughts.

“No I’m not…” I replied quickly. “I was just wondering why the internet is so slow…”

“You know, you never talk to me!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up. “Tell me who the handsome lad is! Give me the details! You know you can trust me…”

I sighed and answered, “Of course I can, Carol… It’s just… It was complicated.”

“Even better! Lay it on me!”

I sighed, unable to skirt around the subject “His name was Alex.”

“Oooh, Alex… What a handsome name,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Are you going to do this the whole time?” I laughed. “Because if so, I’m stopping right here.”

“No, no. Go on!”

“I don’t know… I dated him in high school and, I don’t know! It just didn’t work out…”

“Your last boyfriend was in high school? I was expecting, you know, maybe a month ago or something… Not… Years ago!”

I glared at Carol and tried to smile a bit, but her words hurt me. “I… Things are complicated. Alex was the last guy I actually dated – not just some… Terrible fling.”

Carol nodded and replied, “Well, why didn’t it work out?”

“A lot of reasons,” I sighed. “It was a crazy relationship… I don’t think it would have worked out anyway.”

“Do you miss him?” she asked.

I looked down, feeling very depressed. Of course I missed him. “Missed” was a complete understatement. I missed him more than my mind was capable of missing anyone. I just stayed silent, and Carol must have taken that as a “yes”.

“So why don’t you get him back?”

I shook my head and replied, “I could never.”

“Honey, you’d be surprised at what you can do! Just give it a shot!”

“No…” I said sadly. “I don’t think you understand.”

Much to my excitement, one of our favorite patients, Michael, bounced right on into the office, a huge smile on his face.

“Good morning, ladies!” he said happily. “Here for my cleaning!”

I laughed and said, “Alright, then! Right this way, Mr. Denman.”

“Macy… You know not to call me that!” he said, following me into the brightly lit room.

“I know, I know. I’m just joking,” I said with a smile.

“Good, because Mr. Denman makes me feel too old…”

“Oh, I’m sure,” I said sarcastically, since he was only about thirty…

Michael was always a joy to have in the office, and I genuinely looked forward to his visits. He had an uncanny ability to make you laugh, even if you felt like complete and utter shit. The patients that were scheduled for the day weren’t at all like that, but I couldn’t complain – it was a fairly easy job, save a couple of patients who hated when I picked at their teeth.

The rest of the day went by so quickly I didn’t even have time to think about anything else other than cleaning teeth. I grabbed my purse off of the back of my chair and said goodbye to Carol and Dr. Beckman, and left, extremely thankful that my Friday night class was canceled. I knew it would be anyway, even if the professor claimed he would be in. We all sensed his sickness coming on, so I was in high spirits as I drove home.

It was quickly ruined by the intruding memory that I constantly tried repress. The memory that occurred only a few weeks prior had been on my mind since, and when I was left to myself – it was all I could think about. I could still feel Alex’s lips pressed softly to mine, a hint of desperation present in the way he gripped my sides. I could never forget that feeling, and it scared me. The wall I had built up around all of the memories I had with Alex was slowly crumbling, and I was hit with the memory of our very first kiss.

”Macy Lynn, can you please just pick a movie?” Alex laughed as he watched me from the couch. I was scanning the films on the shelves, unable to come up with a good one to watch.

“Will you calm yourself? I’ll find one when I find one…” I huffed, running my finger across the titles before me.

Alex stayed silent, but I could hear movement behind me. I was suddenly grabbed around the waist moments later and spun around. My breath hitched in my throat, since I wasn’t used to Alex touching me like that. Holding each other’s waists was not friend conduct and I was completely shocked when his lips came down on mine. It wasn’t exactly the best kiss on earth, but it was pleasant. He pulled away and looked down at me, a shy and nervous look in his eyes.

“You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do that…” he said with a grin.

“Wh-Why? Why would you want that?” I asked, confused. I wriggled free of his grip and stood by the couch.

I could see Alex awkwardly standing in my peripheral vision, and he replied, “I’ve liked you for a while and… And I didn’t know how else to tell you.”

I looked over at him, stunned. He was staring down at his shoes, his features softened by the sheepish look he had on his face. Sure, I had a couple of boyfriends before, but they were silly middle school ones. Ones that consisted of demeaning jokes made my douchebag boys who couldn’t give a shit about the actual relationship. Not that it truly matters when you’re thirteen, fourteen-years-old.

As I looked over Alex and his gangly, awkward self, I couldn’t help but smile. It felt different having your best friend like you, rather than boys who only “liked” you simply for the title of having a girlfriend. Alex genuinely meant it, and it actually comforted me, rather than scared me.

“So what are you saying?” I said with a slight smile.

He shrugged again and replied, “I don’t know… We’re going into high school soon… And, you know, I don’t want douchebag guys trying to hit on my girl.”

“Your girl?” I laughed, raising an eyebrow. I crossed the room and hugged him tightly.

“What’s this for?” he smiled, leaning down and breathing in the scent of my hair.

“Thank you…” I mumbled into his shirt.

“Sheesh, you don’t have to thank me!”

I pulled away and looked up into his dark brown eyes, replying, “Yes, I do. I really do, Alex… Thank you for telling me this.”

He smiled widely and looked up at the ceiling, exclaiming, “Glad I did something right!”

I sighed loudly as I exited the building and headed out to the parking lot. I wished Alex had never kissed me at the show. I wished that I had stayed free from the memories I had tried desperately to keep at bay. Now they haunted me, made me feel terrible. I wanted to run from them, but they always managed to find their way right back to the front of my thoughts.

As I entered the parking lot I was stopped dead in my tracks. Almost as if someone was reading my very thoughts, leaning against the back of my car was a very sly looking boy, his signature smirk almost melting me right in the spot I was standing in. He pushed himself off of the car and approached me, his smirk turning into a genuine smile.

“Well, hello, Macy Lynn!”