All We've Ever Known

“Get your ass out here!” Alex exclaimed on the other end of the phone line. I stifled a laugh as I heard him jiggling the doorknob, and I quietly excused myself from the makeup artist that had been working on my eyeshadow.

“Hurry up!” Val shouted from across the room as I opened the bedroom door. “We don’t have all day, you know!”

I ignored her and continued through the hotel suite until I got to the front door. I hung up the phone and hastily opened the door, smiling once I laid eyes on the boy on the other side. He was leaning against the door frame, and combined with his suit and usual smirk, well, let’s just say it made me a bit weak in the knees.

His dark gray suit fit him in such a perfect way, and everything about his appearance was just… Amazingly svelte. He looked like a true gentleman, and an unfamiliar, yet all too familiar at the same time, feeling settled into my stomach. It had been quite some time since I felt that particular way, but I could pin it in a heartbeat. Desire. The feeling that, deep down, in some primeval way, I just wanted him to take that suit right off. And quite honestly, I was scared shitless because of that.

“I enjoy the look you’re going for – very classy,” he laughed, pointing to the giant curlers that were scattered across my scalp. I just narrowed my eyes at him and crossed my arms. His smirk broke into a large smile and he crossed the threshold into the hotel room, enveloping me in a hug. Goose bumps erupted over my skin as he kissed my neck lightly.

“Do you know how much I missed you?” he whispered into my ear. “I hate being away from you. It just doesn’t sit well with me.”

“It wasn’t that long!” I laughed.

“Yeah, but it feels like an eternity.”

Alex and I never saw each other consistently – maybe once every week, sometimes never. It was only two weeks ago since I had dinner with him and his parents, but still – two weeks apart is still quite a long time to be away from someone. The thought of being away from him for more than two weeks almost physically pained me, but I knew we could do it – I was confident.

“Just wait for touring,” I muttered, emphasizing my clear distaste for the idea.

He groaned and replied, “Don’t even remind me,” before attaching his lips hungrily to mine.

“I’d love to say hello to this date my future sister says she’s bringing to my wedding today, but… It seems I won’t be able to get a word in, huh?” Val said in the doorway, her hands on her hips. Alex pulled away and both of us looked bashful as Val laughed and shook her head.

“Sorry, Val,” he said, walking over and hugging her tightly. “Congrats on the big day!”

“Thanks,” she smiled. “Don’t you look awfully dapper!”

I could see the redness creep over Alex’s cheeks as he sheepishly accepted her compliment, and I had to stifle a laugh. He seemed like an insecure school girl getting embarrassed after being complimented on her new outfit.

“Are you done with everything?” I asked, feeling the weight of the hair curlers pressing into my scalp. I wanted nothing more than to just rip them right out.

“Yes,” she replied happily, “and you need to get back in there and finish up! We need to head down to the church by 2:45!”

“Right…” I sighed as Alex returned to my side. Val retreated to her room, and I knew it was just about time for her to get into her dress.

“Why don’t you get back in there,” Alex smiled, nodding his head toward the door.

I sighed and nodded, feeling the pressure of the day finally weighing my chest down. I was nervous, happy, and excited all at the same time – and I wasn’t very good at dealing with conflicting emotions.

Alex kissed me and turned to leave, but I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, clearing my throat. Now I felt extremely nervous, and I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

“Uh… Well, I thought it would be rude not to let you know, so I thought I’d mention it… I got a hotel room because, well, I mean I’m a bit far from home and the opportunity was right there, so… You can always stay with me. If you want, that is…”

My heart was beating right out of my chest, and I wasn’t quite sure why. After feeling so attracted to him moments before, the insinuation that came with suggesting staying in a hotel room together was just all too nerve wracking.

Alex smirked and leaned down, pressing his lips firmly to mine. He pulled away moments later, a look on his face I couldn’t figure out.

“Only if you want me to,” he said, pressing his forehead to mine. He squeezed my hand and then turned and left, leaving me alone in the living room portion of Val and Paul’s hotel room.

A massive wave of uncertainty crashed over me as I pondered the conversation, and now I regretted mentioning the hotel room. ”Only if you want me to.” What the hell did that mean? I sat down on the couch and worried that he was under the impression that meant I wanted to sleep with him. Why else would I ask him to sleep in my fucking hotel room? And why else would he answer with such a statement… There would be no reason why I wouldn’t want him there, only if there was intimacy involved, which Alex was fully aware I wasn’t ready for. He would’ve just said “yes” if he didn’t think I wanted more.

“Macy, come on! We’ve got twenty minutes left, and you and I still have to get into our dresses!” Val said in the doorway, her hair and makeup impeccably done. I nodded numbly and got up, entering the large bedroom.

Val had hired three makeup artists, all friends from high school whom I knew as well, to do her bridal party’s hair and makeup. I sighed as I took in the sight of her seven bridesmaids, all dressed except for me. I sat down in a chair and let Chrissy finish my makeup and unpin the horrid curlers that were now making my head throb. My hair fell in loose, yet neat curls around my face, and after a few touch ups, I was ready for my dress.

I grabbed the garment bag from the king-sized bed and went into the bathroom, declining any offers of help along the way. Getting into this dress was a feat I wanted to accomplish on my own, since it wasn’t just as easy as slipping something over your head and calling it a day. I hung the bag on a high hook and unzipped it, my breath hitching in my throat as I took it in. It was quite a beautiful dress, but as usual, I got nervous around it simply because it was totally sleeveless. It was a knee length, black lace dress, its waist embellished with a pale yellow sash. It was the complete opposite of the bridesmaids’ dresses, which were yellow lace with a black sash, because I had to match with the groomsmen. After all, I was the best “man”.

Paul’s decision to have me as his best man certainly shocked me initially, since that was not something of tradition when getting married. Nevertheless, I was still extremely humbled by it. There was never a time when Paul and I weren’t close, and it was made that way by our father leaving us behind. We were each other’s rock, since my mom was too fragile to really be anything at all for either of us. I gladly accepted the role of best man so that I could be by my brother’s side as he embarked on the new leg of his life journey.

I pulled the dress over my body and zipped it as high as I could reach. I turned to the mirror, feeling my chest expanding for air that my lung’s seemed to be incapable of receiving. The reflection was not one I was at all happy with. I could see every flaw I had, every inch of fat that the dress grotesquely emphasized.

104 pounds, my ass, I muttered bitterly as I feebly attempted to fix the dress.

That wasn’t the worst part. The worst was the scars that littered my arms, chest, and legs. They seemed to jump right out at me, and I felt extremely self-conscious. It was moments like that I went against all of my personal rules and regretted my past. I regretted cutting myself, but I had to keep in mind that the horrible feeling would pass. I had to keep moving forward.

I emerged from the bathroom and requested a bridesmaid’s help to zipper the rest of my dress and tie the bow in the back. I slipped on my black heels just in time to see someone tie the pale yellow sash on Val’s dress. She had tears in her eyes as she turned around and looked at herself in the floor length mirror. The room erupted into waves of happy compliments as I came up and hugged her from behind, her newly manicured hands wrapping around my wrists.

“You look beautiful,” I whispered. She turned around and hugged me tightly.

“Thank you for putting up with me through this crazy time,” she said, wiping gently at her eyes.

I smiled and said, “That’s what sisters are for, right? I always told you that you were never an only child.”

Before she could reply, my mother burst through the bedroom door and said, “Okay, guys! It’s time! We need to get going!”

Val and Paul decided to wed in Timonium, rather than Seaford, or even Alabama where most of my family resided, because that was where they met and spent most of their time together. It was familiar for the two of them – the birthplace of their relationship. My brother had met Val while working for the rectory of the church they were getting married at, and she had walked in to request a mass to be said for her late mother. Val had apparently been through the whole nine yards of her Catholic faith in that church, so Paul respected her wishes of marrying there, rather than anywhere else.

When we arrived at the church, I quickly found my brother who was pacing anxiously in a room beside the altar. When he saw me, he immediately rushed over and enveloped me in a hug.

“I’m so fucking nervous, Macy…” he whispered. I pulled away and looked into his eyes, finding nothing but intense fear.

“Paul, stop! You’re marrying one of the greatest women I’ve ever known, there is absolutely no reason for you to be this scared.”

“I know, I know…” he muttered, going back to pacing around the room. “I just need to get this over with. Thanks so much for doing this for me. You look really, really great, by the way”

“Don’t thank me…” I sighed. “I’d do anything for you!”

For a split second it looked as if Paul were about to burst into tears, but the music started playing, reminding us that we needed to carry out the plan explained at the rehearsal dinner the night before. Paul straightened up and fixed the jacket of his tux, squeezing his eyes shut and taking a deep breath. He walked out of the doorway and onto the altar, and I followed closely behind with my small bouquet of flowers. The priest emerged from a door on the other side of the altar and stood beside Paul, holding his head high with a slight smile on his face.

I quickly scanned the church, all of my family members present and happily looking on. My eyes finally fell on the smiling, familiar brown eyes of my boyfriend. He sat in the second row on the left beside the only extended family member he knew – my cousin Jessica.

I smiled to myself as I realized that Alex would finally get to meet the rest of my family, or the “elusive hillbillies”, according to him. They weren’t hillbillies, per se. My family was just… Very southern. After my dad left when I was three, my mom decided to move away from our home in Alabama, so I hardly got to see basically all of my family that still resided down there, save my cousin Jessica who moved to New York to pursue a more promising career in fashion. My brother and I had abandoned a lot of our southern traditions so we could forget about the small, washed up town that neither of us ever enjoyed going back to. On top of my family being so far away from me, I also didn’t want Alex to be exposed to what I had always thought to be their negativity towards me. I knew that they had gotten bits and pieces of my story and what I had done, but I also knew they weren’t aware of half of what had actually happened. And when there’s missing information, there’s preconceived notions. Luckily, my fears were all fabrications, but I just didn’t want the possibility of being humiliated by my own family in front of the only person I’ve ever loved.

Alex winked as I looked back at him. I winked back and he raised his hand ever so slightly and saluted me, earning a hardcore eye roll on my part.

The wedding continued on as the rest of the bridal party marched their way up the aisle. Val was stunning in her summery gown as she floated down the aisle, her father gripping her arm as confident as ever. When they reached the end, as tradition entails, he kissed her on the cheek and proceeded to shake my brother’s hand.

The ceremony was certainly emotion-filled, and by the time it ended, I was ready to get to the reception. My mom was in hysterics by the time everyone had congregated in the church’s narthex to congratulate the bride and groom, and she showered Val and my brother with hugs and kisses. I just stood off to the side and watched as he gently urged her away so that the other guests could get their turn at speaking with the couple.

“You look ravishing,” a voice whispered softly in my ear. I whirled around to find Alex standing behind me, his hands in his pockets.

“Hi…” I muttered dumbly, still taken aback by his appearance. I really couldn’t believe how good looking Alex had become. I also couldn’t believe that he was mine.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowing in concern.

I shrugged and replied, “Yeah, why?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “You just look… Uncomfortable.”

I shook my head and muttered, “I’m not exactly a huge fan of being in this dress.”

“You are absolutely out of your mind,” he said, pulling me in and kissing me.

I ignored his comment and the two of us stood next to one another until it was time to go to the country club the reception was held at.

With its sprawling hills and beautiful expansive golf course, the country club Val and Paul had chosen was absolutely perfect for such an occasion. The reception was beautiful, and it was the perfect opportunity for Alex to become more acquainted with my “elusive hillbilly” family. He seemed to have no problem mingling with everyone, so I wasn’t at all worried about him feeling uncomfortable. What I was worried about was the rest of the night.

The reception ended close to midnight, though it was closer to one in the morning by the time everyone had cleared out. Alex followed me through the hotel lobby once we had arrived and into the elevator where he captured my hand and kissed my knuckles.

“You know, you did really great today,” he said, smiling. “It was nice seeing you so happy.”

“It was a fun night…” I replied, looking down. “I couldn’t be happier for Val and Paul.”

Alex smiled and mumbled a faint “yeah” as he leaned in and kissed me softly. My heart rate increased tenfold and my stomach felt like it had dropped to the floor. Luckily, he pulled away fairly soon, and I found myself reattaching our lips. I don’t know what possessed me to do that, but there was something about his composure that seemed to invite me in. The elevator pinged, signaling that we had arrived at our floor. I sighed and exited quickly, Alex easily keeping up with my pace. I was feeling extremely paranoid as I quickly slid my keycard into the door scanner. I was afraid that he took my rapid movements as eagerness, when really, I was just way too nervous to slow down. I was not at all eager.

We entered the hotel room and I made my way through the living room portion of the suite, stopping once I reached the middle of the bedroom, unable to move any further. We were here, and there was no turning away from the possibility that I feared so much. I was slightly shaking by the time Alex had shut the door and approached me from behind. I spun around, his smirk making me momentarily forget what was happening.

He gripped me by the hips and pulled me slowly closer to him, gently attaching our lips. His one hand stayed on my hip as his other rested behind my neck, his fingers nestling in my hair. The kisses grew slightly hungrier and he shrugged off his jacket. He broke away for a moment to kiss my neck as he unzipped the back of my dress. My heart shot up into my throat as I fully realized what I was doing. I mindlessly, yet fearfully, unbuttoned his shirt and let it fall to the floor just as my dress did the same.

I felt extremely self-conscious as he laid me back on the bed. I could feel my scars screaming at him from every inch of my arms, my legs, my stomach – everywhere. There was no turning from them. His fingers traced some of the deep lines that crisscrossed my hip-bone as his lips moved to my jawbone and then my neck. He broke away and hastily unhooked the front clasp on my strapless bra, leaving me one garment away from being fully exposed.

”He forcefully shoved me against the wall, his lips roughly colliding with mine as he lazily undid his belt. I was scared, I was confused, and my judgement was immensely clouded by the drugs that got me into this mess in the first place. I was in no mood to do this.

I unbuttoned his pants and they fell to the floor. His hand grabbed my neck - not enough to leave bruises, but enough to guide me to the bed where he pushed me down and clambered over me.

“Freddy, please… Let’s just go hang out with Tom or something,” I said quietly as he bit harshly on the skin of my neck. I just wanted to leave, and the bile that was rising in my throat told me I should have acted on my instincts and left a lot sooner.

“No,” he growled, too high and too aroused to care what I had to say. “We’re staying right here.”

He became frustrated with the clasp on the back of my bra and angrily grabbed the front, pulling hard. My bra snapped in the back and burned my skin as it was roughly yanked off.

“Freddy, please-“ I attempted to say, but he grabbed my throat and squeezed hard enough to make me cough violently and fear for my life.

“No,” was all he muttered before forcefully shoving himself into me, making me yelp in pain.

Silent tears streamed down my face as Alex kissed the scars on my stomach. I felt trapped, I felt nauseous, and my heart felt like it was going to give out on me.

I’m going to die, I thought anxiously as my heartbeat increased to what felt like way beyond its limit. An unexplained terror was spreading itself over my body, and I had nowhere to run.

Alex made his way back to my collarbone and then to my lips, his actions stopping abruptly when he noticed the tears that poured down my face.

“Macy Lynn,” he said, alarmed. “What’s wrong?!”

I shook my head rapidly and put my hands over my eyes, sobs now erupting from my throat as I felt myself fully break down.

What the hell is wrong with you. There’s no reason why you should feel this way, I thought angrily.

Alex rolled to the side of me and I buried my face into his chest, feeling his arms wrap around my body. He rubbed soothing circles into my back, all the while repeatedly whispering that everything was okay. He didn’t press on what had set me off, and for that I was grateful. Having him holding me in such a comforting way helped me feel a little less crazed.

But everything wasn’t okay. And I really didn’t know why. I felt terribly guilty for what I had just done to Alex, but something in the core of my bones was telling me that everything was wrong.