All We've Ever Known

I groggily opened one eye, confused as to where I was. I was staring up at a tan ceiling, when I knew very well that my own bedroom ceiling was white… Not tan. I hastily opened the other eye, extremely disoriented now. I was in a hotel room, and the events from the previous night flooded my mind in an instant. I fell back to the bed and looked to my right, expecting to see Macy. She wasn’t there though, and I bolted upright, suddenly scared. I frantically searched the bedroom and then got up to look in the living room, coming up short. My heart beat increased at the thought of her leaving me, of her being alone somewhere after what had happened the night before.

I went back to the bedroom and pulled back the vertical blinds so I could access the sliding glass door. Much to my relief, Macy sat in a chair on the balcony, her back to me and a cigarette perched precariously between her fingers. I sighed and opened the door, stepping out into the hot, mid-June air. Macy didn’t even flinch as I sat in the chair beside her and looked out across the quiet town I had grown up in. Even in the morning - in her pajamas and not a stitch of makeup - Macy had such a beautiful elegance that left me speechless.

“How are you?” I asked tentatively after a couple moments of silence. She didn’t answer – she just took a long drag of her cigarette and let the smoke out very slowly.

“I’m so sorry,” she finally whispered, staring down at her crossed legs.

“Why are you sorry?”

She shook her head, trying to keep her tears at bay. “I’m sorry that I screwed it all up. I led you on and then couldn’t even handle myself…”

“Macy, you don’t have to be sorry for that… I should’ve recognized that you were uncomfortable a lot sooner, and I didn’t.”

“I’m such an idiot,” she whispered, burying her head in her hands. I reached over and put my hand on her knee, at a loss for words. I felt helpless, since a lot of what Macy felt could not be changed by anything, and that was the most frustrating part. If Macy felt something, she fucking felt it – and nothing in the world could change that.

“Can I just ask… What happened?” I asked quietly, nervous that I would set her off even more.

She stayed silent for a moment, collecting her thoughts. “I just… Couldn’t do it, and I don’t know why. I’m with you and I shouldn’t feel the way that I did, but yesterday… I don’t know. I felt… Vulnerable, and memories with Freddy kept intruding and… I don’t know.”

“Wait, what happened with Freddy? I thought you said he abu-“ I stopped myself, finally realizing the extent to which Freddy fucked her over. How could I have overlooked that? How could I have assumed that Macy wanted to screw around with some dirty low-life? I had just skipped over all of those gruesome details and assumed that Macy’s past with Freddy was behind her, but those memories were every bit real and I carelessly allowed her to think about them. It was always in the back of my mind that she had been raped, and I knew she was broken because of it, but… I had stupidly pushed it aside. How could I let myself think about that when she had been acting so happy?

“How many times…?” I whispered, my stomach churning uneasily.

She shook her head vigorously and replied, “I couldn’t even tell you. But those I can get over, it’s… It’s the assault I can’t.”

“Why didn’t you tell me, Macy? I wouldn’t have even kissed you the way I did in the elevator! I just… Felt like I got the ‘okay’ when you kissed me back after I broke away, so I… Stupidly pressured you, I guess.”

“You didn’t pressure me, Alex!” she said quickly. “I just didn’t stick up for myself.”

“You need to tell me these things, Macy. I can’t just… Assume things, because sometimes my assumptions are dead wrong. Mace, what happened with Freddy? Please tell me…”

She sighed and her eyebrows furrowed. It took quite some time for her to gather her words and keep herself composed. “I was walking home from the restaurant I worked in at the time and saw Freddy with a bunch of his friends. They were all standing outside of the broken down building we always hung out at. I didn’t really think anything of it, since I always went there with them, so I approached them.”

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves before she continued, “They had these disgusting smiles on their faces and I can’t even remember what they were saying, but they coaxed me into the house, even though I wanted to turn around and go home.”

I felt sick as I listened to her. It was like watching a horror movie - you don’t know when the bad part is going to happen, so you anxiously sit there, your stomach churning in anticipation for the inevitable.

Tears escaped the corner of her eyes as she said, “They started beating me and ripping my uniform off, and I… I just couldn’t move. They cut me everywhere – my face, my chest… Everywhere - and I felt so trapped, and I couldn’t believe what was actually happening to me.”

That explained the Chelsea grin. Or half, I should say. My eyes automatically shifted to the deep, jagged scar that sliced her cheek horizontally. It looked like it had been incredibly painful, and it took a lot of effort not to wince at the thought of her being in such a situation. I looked to the other scar that ran through her eyebrow and noticed how much cleaner it looked. The scar by her mouth looked much more harsh and torn.

She started to cry and I knew the worst was coming. She wiped at her eyes and took another deep breath. “I was sexually assaulted after that. Which…” she sighed once more before continuing, “wasn’t that new, I guess, but the way his friends were taking turns and laughing in such a maniacal way… It was so terrible. There was nothing I could do.”

She buried her head in her hands once more and sobbed. I leaned over and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. I rested my head in the crook of her neck, feeling her heave in desperation. I felt horrible about the whole situation, and I just wanted this nightmare to end.

“I was stabbed,” she blurted out. “I was stabbed nineteen times in my upper body and left for dead.”

I pulled away from her and stared in disbelief. She was staring blankly out across the treetops of the quiet streets below, silent tears streaming down her face. I hoped that by her telling me all of this, she’d be able to deal with her emotions in a better way.

“I remember pulling myself out of the house and collapsing in the snow…” she said, glancing down at her hands. “I don’t even remember feeling cold… I just remember feeling relieved to be out. I guess I fell unconscious after that..."

“Jesus, I didn’t even know…” I whispered.

The scars that adorned her face and neck were always a mystery to me, and everyone failed to tell me how they came about. Hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth created a lump in my throat, and I suddenly felt too emotional to continue the conversation.

It was hard not seeing Macy for so long and having her come back into my life as a different person. It was hard knowing that my absolute best friend had experienced such an intense past, and I wasn’t there to help her. It just hurt in some unexplained way, and I wished I could fix all of her problems for her. She had always been a master at fixing mine, but when it came to the other way around, I seemed to always come up short.

“Thankfully a woman was walking by, and she called 911 and I got to the hospital in time… It was all just… A blur, to be honest with you. A blur that left me with so much emotional trauma.”

A deafening silence ensued, and I was at a loss for words once more. What could I possibly say to all of that? “Oh, man! That must have sucked.” No. Nothing I could think of would ever be enough to fully express the true horror I felt for her. I felt insanely guilty for even considering sleeping with her the day before. How could I have assumed that she was ready for something like that? I knew she wasn’t, and yet I pushed her anyway, thinking that by some magical way she would be accepting of my advances. I was such an idiot.

“Macy, I’m really sorry,” I whispered, staring down at my hands. “I don’t even know what to say…”

She sighed and said, “You don’t even have to say anything… Thank you for listening anyway.”

“God, I’m so sorry I was so stupid about yesterday,” I said, pressing my fists into my forehead. “I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.”

I heard Macy shift in her chair, and moments later she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and nestled her head into my neck. Her breath fanned across my cheek as she whispered, “Let’s just forget about it, okay? I feel equally as stupid, and I would just like to put this behind me.”

She leaned away and stared at me, urging me to look back at her. Once I did, she said averted her eyes and said, “I don’t want this to ruin anything… I was really scared of that this whole time. I don’t want you to think I don’t want you, or that this is all just a waste of time…”

I smiled at her and replied, “Macy, how could I ever think that?”

She shrugged, and I added, “Look, I get it – you need time. I’m more than willing to give you all the time you need. You really don’t have to worry about anything, okay? Don’t even think about it. I’ll always be here in whatever way you need me, got it?”

She nodded her head feebly and I could see her eyes welling up with tears. She shook her head, wiping gently at her eyes. “I don’t want to go home…”

I knew it was coming. The goodbye. I didn’t want her to go home either, especially after what had just happened. I wanted to keep her mind full of distractions so she wouldn’t beat herself up like I suspected she would.

“Then don’t go home…” I said quietly.

“I can’t,” she replied, shaking her head. “I can’t miss work.”

“Mace, you know you could always miss a day or two. You said you could take two weeks off if you wanted!”

“Alex, I can’t,” she said simply. “Working is the only thing that makes me feel like I’m going somewhere in life. I have to go.”

I sighed and leaned back in the chair, anxiety filling my chest. “I don’t want you to think about this, okay? Like you just said – forget about it! Take your own advice, because I know you won’t.”

She looked down at her arms and furrowed her eyebrows, thinking as she traced the multitude of scars on her skin. I hated when she did that. I hated when she looked too much into things. I had such a growing fear that she would take this whole experience too much to heart and inadvertently ruin everything. She had a tendency to flee and disappear when she felt she fucked up too much, and I was terrified she’d do just that. Sure, it wasn’t that pleasant being left high and dry the night the before, but… There’s no reason to feel like it was the biggest mistake that was ever made! In Macy’s mind however, it was a big deal. In her mind, it was a failure on her part.

“Okay,” she sighed. “Okay. Let’s just… Forget about it.”

I smiled slightly and leaned my head against her shoulder. Her shoulder bones seemed to cut right into my temple, but it felt strangely helpful towards my growing migraine.

I felt like I finally understood Macy more, like she finally revealed everything there was to reveal. I experienced her in every bad way I thought was possible, and I actually felt more confident in our relationship than if this were to never have happened. There was no denying, though, that I had to be more careful. I couldn’t push her to do anything she wasn’t ready for, and that was clearly evident in the way she was collecting herself beside me after a meltdown.

“Macy Lynn, I love you,” I whispered, my temple still resting against her shoulder. I reached over and laced my hands with hers, feeling her delicate fingers grip my hand reassuringly. “Please don’t ever feel like I don’t.”

She raised her eyebrows and shook her head, saying, “I just… I don’t get how.”

Her voice cracked at the end, and I quickly asked, “What do you mean how? How could I not?”

“There’s not much to love,” she whispered.

I leaned away from her, confused and slightly irritated that she was even thinking that. “Why would you even say that?”

“Well, look at me!” she said, exasperated. She threw her hands up and added, “I’m so ugly! I’m covered in repulsive scars! How could you even find that at all attractive? Not to mention how annoying I am with all of this bullshit…”

Her eyes welled up with tears again, and I said quietly, “That doesn’t make you ugly… I’ve always thought you were beautiful, and I always will. If you don’t trust me on that, then whatever – but I’m telling you the truth. You haven’t had the best life, so you have every right to feel upset right now… That doesn’t make you annoying.”

She wiped her eyes one last time and took a deep breath. For the first time during our entire conversation, she looked me in the eyes. I wasn’t lying when I told her she was beautiful – not even close. Macy’s stunning eyes smiled as her mouth quickly followed suit, and I leaned in and kissed her gently.

“Thank you,” she whispered once we broke away.

“Why are you thanking me?”

“For listening…” she muttered. “I was so scared to tell you all of that.”

I smiled and replied, “Macy Lynn, I was waiting for forever for you to tell me all of that – might as well thank yourself.”

“I guess I better start packing up…” she sighed, heaving herself off of the chair. I watched as she slowly entered the hotel room, and I put my head in my hands, feeling the tension finally release from my shoulders.

I hoped to God that Macy admitting all of that would make her feel more comfortable with me. It seemed deepening the relationship was going to be much harder than I ever expected, and I was already exhausted from the work it was taking.