All We've Ever Known

“Dude, you okay?” Jack asked, waving a hand in front of my face. I jolted out of my deep thoughts and back to reality and looked blankly at the dark-haired boy.

“Yeah…” I replied. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You’ve been acting weird…” he said in confusion. “For a while – not just today.”

“I’m fine,” I said firmly, readjusting myself in my airport waiting lounge seat.

“You know, I’m not sure I believe that,” Evan piped in, sitting beside me.

“Guys, I swear I’m fine!”

“Jack, it seems young Alex here has been monstrously shaken by a dark-haired vixen who visited him a couple weeks ago…” Evan said, nudging my side. I suddenly felt an urge to punch him, but obviously held myself back.

“I think you may be right Mr. Kirkendall… Alex sure has been acting strange.”

“Both of you better shut up, otherwise I will beat the living shit out you. At the same time,” I said through gritted teeth.

As if answering my prayers, our flight to Arizona was announced over the intercom, and we all got up to gather our things. I made sure I had my boarding pass and other belongings, and one by one we shuffled onto the cramped plane. I sat down in a seat next to Rian, Alex Grieco sitting on Rian’s other side. Of course we had to get the middle seats, which meant I had no hope of seeing out of the window to distract myself.

Get excited, I ordered myself. You’re going on tour with fucking Fall Out Boy! You should be much happier than this!

But I wasn’t happy, and I wasn’t really quite sure why. Maybe the guys were right – maybe Macy visiting did fuck me up somehow. I hadn’t been able to think of anything else other than the sad, heartfelt moment between her and I in the hotel parking lot for weeks. It genuinely depressed me to think that I’d most likely never see her again, and I’d have to forget about her all over again.

My relationship with Lisa had also been very strained since Macy’s departure, which obviously left Lisa extremely suspicious. I chalked it up to my upcoming month-and-a-half long tour which would separate us for quite some time. I was actually relieved that I was leaving though, since I needed time away to think for myself – time away from conflicting feelings between Lisa and Macy.

I was about to embark on Fall Out Boy’s Believers Never Die Part Deux tour, and to say I was nervous was a huge understatement. I was shit-my-pants, my-chest-might-explode nervous, and that is not a good thing to experience as a plane is about to take off.

I managed to keep myself relatively calm on the plane ride, and once we arrived in Phoenix, I let out a sigh of relief – I had successfully gotten away from my troubles (at least the tangible ones back home) and could now try to enjoy myself a little more.

“Look at this beauty!” Zack exclaimed once we had reached the huge tour bus in the airport parking lot.

A short, balding man, who seemed to be in his early sixties, stood beside the monstrosity I would call home until the end of May. He approached us and smiled a wide, toothy grin, revealing two missing teeth.

“Nice to meet you boys! My name’s Jim Henderson and I will be drivin’ you around in this bad boy,” he said, hitting the side of the bus with his palm.

We all took the time to introduce ourselves, and then got settled into the bus. I picked my bunk – one on the top, and farthest away from the snorers of the band and crew. Once all of my stuff was put away and organized (which would most definitely not be like that the rest of tour, let alone the next day), I sat down on the couch in the front lounge. Rian was arranging water bottles in the mini fridge as I looked on.

“We’ll have to buy alcohol ASAP,” he muttered to himself. I didn’t say anything in return, which made him turn around to look at me.

“Will you tell me what the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked, sitting beside me.

I sighed and looked around the bus, making sure no one was eavesdropping. Everyone else was busy unpacking and happily chattering about tour.

“Okay…” I said, taking a deep breath. “Things have just been… Weird recently.”

“What do you mean?” Rian asked, raising an eyebrow.

As I was about to answer, the bus seemed to shift, which indicated its departure from the airport. Butterflies flapped nervously away in my stomach at the prospect of starting a brand new tour which would surely make an everlasting imprint on my mind.

“I… I can’t seem to get my mind off of Macy,” I admitted, toying with the ring on my right hand.

“No shit,” Rian mumbled.

“What do you mean you?!”

“You and Lisa haven’t been as… Lovey as you usually are before you leave on tour. Plus, you had some kind of dream when Lisa went to stay at her parents’ that night you had the huge fight. You said Macy’s name so many times I lost count!”

“…really?” I asked skeptically. “What… Was the dream about?”

“I don’t know, man! You were the one dreaming it! It sounded like a nightmare, though… You mostly shrieked her name.”

I never recalled having a dream about Macy, but a nightmare was very explainable after the very large, very serious fight Lisa and I had had earlier that week. It was about something stupid, but had escalated into name-calling and bringing up past wrong-doings that I thought had been forgiven. She had decided to stay at her parents’ house that night, but transferred to our friend Alex Felts’s house later on in the week. She returned the day before I was to go on tour, and even then it was a shaky, semi-emotional time.

“Rian, I don’t know what to do…” I sighed, looking down at my ring. I twisted it nervously, not knowing what to think or say.

“Well… What’s the problem here?” Rian asked.

I shrugged, replying, “I’m not really sure. I just… Feel a weird connection with Macy that I’ve never, ever had with Lisa, let alone any girl. I guess I just… Suppressed it all this time and refused to believe that connection existed…”

“So you’re saying you’re still into Macy?”

I scoffed at the word “into” and answered, “That’s a really immature way to put it, and I’m not even sure that’s true. I just… Always feel like I want to see her and be with her. She’s so… Intriguing – like a totally different person with a different life! I feel like I need to learn about a whole new Macy, and that… Oddly interests me…”

“That’s understandable! Just wait it out, dude. When you get back from tour, you can take all the time you need to figure it all out.”

I nodded and clapped Rian on the knee. “Thanks, man. I appreciate the compassion.”

Rian smiled and raised the water bottle he had in his hand, saying, “That’s what I’m here for!”

The rest of the day flew by, and I went to sleep late – falling unconscious in no time. When I awoke the next day, the bus was filled with activity as the tour really kicked off. I sighed, jumping down from my bunk.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty!” Vinny laughed as he passed through the bunk area. I just laughed in return and took the time to stretch out my incredibly tense body.

“We have sound check in a half hour – don’t be late!” Evan shouted from the back lounge. I nodded and pulled off my basketball shorts, replacing them with a pair of clean skinny jeans. I brushed my teeth in the small bathroom and fixed my hair so that it looked more presentable than the rat’s nest it always was.

Once I put a clean shirt on, I was ready to go, so I followed Zack out to the venue and was immediately taken aback. The Mesa Amphitheatre was an extremely nice venue, and the day was absolutely beautiful for an outdoor show. I was surprised at how large it was, with plenty of space for a multitude of kids to enjoy themselves comfortably.

I approached Danny Kurily and was handed my guitar. Once we were all onstage we played a couple of short songs and shouted random, vulgar things into the microphone so that Matt, Evan, and Jeff could adjust the sound and lighting as well as how well the monitors worked.

Once it was over, I began descending the steps of the stage to the sound of a pair of clapping hands coming from the bottom.

“Bravo, bravo!” a very wide-smiled Pete Wentz exclaimed as I reached the last step. Joe Trohman appeared from behind Pete, also wearing a large smile.

“Hey!” I said enthusiastically. “It’s nice to meet you!”

I shook both of their hands as they introduced themselves – as if I didn’t know who they were already.

“Thanks for bringing us out!”

“Not a problem!” Pete said. “We’ve heard many good things about you guys, so we figured what better way to befriend some great dudes than bringing them out on our tour!”

At this, I smiled widely. I wasn’t sure if he was serious about becoming friends with us, but it was nice of him to even say it.

“Plus, we heard you guys have awesome bus parties,” Joe laughed.

“Yeah,” Pete added, “but not as big as ours, I’m sure.”

“Are you challenging us?” I asked with a laugh, raising an eyebrow.

“I think so…” Joe replied.

Both Joe and Pete’s heads turned at the sound of a man’s voice coming from the other side of the stage. I couldn’t make out what he had shouted, but Pete and Joe promptly nodded their heads.

“Alright, well, we shall see about this bus party business when it all goes down tonight, got it?” Pete said with a laugh as him and Joe began walking away. They waved goodbye once more before completely disappearing behind the stage.

Walking away from that moment left a gigantic smile on my face. Never had I dreamed of touring with a band like Fall Out Boy, and the endless amounts of fans we were about to perform to each night was enough to make me want to vomit from excitement. My life had gotten so much better of the years, better than I could’ve ever imagined it, and honestly, I had Macy to thank. Without her… I would have never agreed to even be in this band.