It Feels Like I'm Falling In Love Alone

This wasn't real. There was no way this picture was real. I scrolled to the next picture. I wasn't wearing a shirt, neither was Ash. He had his hands on my chest (as if I had boobs and he were hiding something obscene) and was sucking on my neck. The mere thought that he had his lips anywhere on me made me want to drop to my knees.

I pulled back the collar on my shirt, there was a dark purple spot on my shoulder. Shit. This was all real. This stuff happened. Damn. OK Andy, calm down. I tucked my phone back into my pocket and started cleaning up the mess I made, cleaning always helps me think. Luckily for me the cup didn't break so I don't have to deal with glass.

I tried thinking about everything that happened last night, but I was drawing some major blanks, I was super drunk, but then again, so was Ash. He probably won't remember. I felt a little hurt. I know that it was just the alcohol that provoked him to do this, but I wanted him to wake up and remember what we did, push me against the counter and kiss me again.

I rang out the towel in the sink, rinsed out my cup and refilled it. I took a few sips before sitting at the breakfast bar. I couldn't stop thinking about those pictures. I mean, it's not like we fucked or anything, right? It was just a couple of mindless, stupid pictures. I can just forget that I ever saw them and move on away from that.

I deleted the second picture without any problem, but the first one, of us kissing. I couldn't let it go. It wouldn't hurt me too bad to keep the one, right? I laid my head on the bar, it was cold, and helped ease my headache.

“Where the fuck are my pants?” I heard Ash call from downstairs. I jerked up from the counter. I had fallen asleep. I touched the cup of coffee next to me. It had gone from scolding hot to warm. I chugged down the rest of it, coughing at the bitter taste, and walked down the stairs to the basement.

“Why the fuck are you yelling?” Jinxx groaned turning over, attempting to stand up.

“I can't find my pants. Andy, have you seen them?” He asked. I shrugged my shoulders and looked away from him. My face was burning at the thoughts of his lips pressed against mine like in the photo. My mind was running a million miles a minute as to why he was almost completely naked to begin with.

Evan and Jake came walking down the stairs. “What's with all the yelling?” Evan groaned. I shot them both a knowing glare and they looked away from me quick.

“Ash lost his pants.” Jinxx chuckled getting off the floor. “Hey, where's my shirt?”

“Um, Andy, are you wearing Ash's pants?” Jake asked. I looked down, and sure enough, these weren't my pants. I didn't even notice. The jeans I was wearing had holes on both the knees, these didn't.

“How did you and Ash switch pants?” Evan laughed.

“I-I d-don't know.” My face was burning.

“Either way, I want my pants back. C'mon blushy.” Ash laughed grabbing my hand and pulling me to the stairs and to my room. I threw my phone on the night stand and went into the closet, cracking the door behind me.

“I'm sorry Ash.” I said taking off his pants and handing them over through the door.

“It's no big deal. We were drunk. Stupid things happen when people get drunk.” He laughed. His laugh was so cute. I wanted to hear it all day long. I slipped on some other jeans and walked out of the closet. Ash had his pants on all the way.

“Yeah we do. Like that.” I said pointing to his tattoo that was colored in with sharpies. He looked down and cursed under his breath.

“Not funny.” He said

“No, it's super fucking hilarious.”

It took us two hours to clean up the house. Jake left early to take Evan home, but he had to come back because we planned drummer auditions today.

“Why do we have to do this when I'm still slightly hungover?” Jinxx asked drinking down his third cup of coffee.

“If we don't do it today, we'll never get anything done over the summer. You know that.” Ash said flopping on the couch next to him.

“Hey guys! First person is here.” Jake said running down with a girl behind him. She was wearing sunglasses, even though she was inside. That's weird.

“Hey. My name's Sandra Alva.” She waved. She was much shorter than everyone else. I had a good three and a half feet on her.

“OK Sandra, I'm Jake, I play the guitar. That's Jinxx, he's our other guitarist, that's Ashley. He plays bass, and this is our singer Andy.” We all waved at her. I heard a knock on the door.

“Take a seat and I'll be right back.” I said running up the stairs. I opened the door to a somewhat squirrely looking kid with long black hair. “Um... Hi.”

“Hey! I'm here for the drummer audition.” He smiled.

“That's awesome, come in um...”

“My name is Christian. Christian Mora.” He held out his hand.

“Hey. I'm Andy Biersack. It's great to meet you. The rest of the band is downstairs. Follow me.” He followed after me as I made my way to the basement. Sandra was fitting in well with Ashley, I felt my stomach tighten.

“Hey look, he's got another one.” Jinxx said, causing everyone to look at me.

“Yeah. This is Christian Mora.” I said pointing to him.

“Hey. I prefer going by Coma though, not Mora.” He smiled.

“Can we call you CC for short? It's easier than saying Christian.” Jake complained.

“Lazy ass.” I hit him at the back of the head.

“I'm cool with that. It actually sounds cooler.” CC smiled.

“OK then. Well, CC, this lazy ass here is Jake, the shirtless kid with the gay pride 'outlaw' tattoo in the corner is Ashley, and this is Jinxx.”

“Why don't you make fun of Jinxx?” Ash whined.

“His real name is Jeremy Ferguson, don't you think that's enough?”

“Asshole.” Jake and Ash complained.

“Anyway. I'm just gonna assume you two are gonna be the only ones to show up, since no one in this area actually seem interested in anything we've got.” I laughed. “Do either of you have any experience?”

“I used to play in this band called Silent Civilian, but I decided to leave.” CC laughed.

“Why?” Jake asked seeming suddenly interested.

“Ex boyfriend conflict. I guess that's why you don't date the lead guitarist of your band, huh?” He laughed. I felt sorry for him though.

“What about you Sandra?” Ash asked. My stomach twisted again.

“I was in a band when I was 13, but I moved away.”

“OK, well, now that that's over with.” I cleared my throat. “How about we get to the demonstration part?” I asked. “Sandra you go up first.”

“Great.” She said twirling the sticks in her hand and sitting behind the drum. When she started, I wasn't paying much attention. I was looking at the way Ash was looking at her. It sickened me. The googly eyes, the constant smile, the flirtatious laughter. I zoned back in when everyone started clapping. I clapped, even though I wasn't listening.

“OK, C, you're up next.” He jumped out of his seat and sat behind the drum. He had to adjust a couple of things because of his height.

“Hey, before I start, is this a Ddrum kit? I have the same one at home. It's even got the same kind of kick pedals.” He beamed before he started off slowly, then began to pick up speed. Sandra didn't even use the other kick drum, but CC was like a monster on that thing. The beat that he was drumming went along great with a song I've been working on.

When he was done, we were all in shock. I stood up and cheered for him.

“That was awesome! You're like some kind of Animal.” I beamed. His face turned red.

“Well, I uh... Thanks I guess.” He smiled.

“OK, now we just gotta pick.” Jake groaned. “This is too hard.”

“I say we go out in the hall. C'mon CC.” Sandra smiled grabbing CC by the arm and dragging him down the hall. Jake and Ash were watching them leave. I cleared my throat again and they both turned around.

“OK, who do we want to pick? Because I think we should go with CC.” Jinxx said.

“Same. He's got what I'm looking for.” Jake said. “As in for the songs!” He added in quickly.

“I don't know guys. I like what Sandra did.” Ash said. I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, but she doesn't have what CC does.” Jake almost yelled.

“What do you think Andy? I mean, it's your band, your drums, your house.” Jinxx asked looking up at me.

“I'd have to go with CC.” I sighed running a hand through my hair.

“Great! CC it is then.” Jake beamed. Yeah, eventually that's gonna cause problems with him and Evan, but I'm willing to keep quiet for now.

“Ash, since you lost in the pick, you've gotta go tell them.” Jinxx smiled.

“Bitches.” Ash got up and walked up the stairs. I watched him leave, then looked down at my lap.

“So when are you gonna tell him Andy?” Jinxx asked sitting next to him.

“Tell who? What?” I asked sounding confused.

“Tell Ash you're crushing on him.” Jake laughed sitting on the other side of me. My mouth fell open.

“How did you guys know?!” I tried to hide my face, but they pulled my hands away. I was beat red, I could tell.

“Well, there's that. All you do is blush around him Andy. You've been doing that ever since the first day you met him. You stutter a lot when he's around, then I saw you scribble 'Andy Purdy' in one of your notebooks.” Jinxx laughed.

“Even Evan picked up on it. I think Ash is the only one who hasn't noticed.”

“Well I'm not telling him, no matter how obvious it is.”

“Well, you'd better tell him soon before he does something that'll break your heart.” Jake said wrapping his arms around me. “And if you ever need us for support or anything like that, Jinxx and I will always he here for you.” They smiled.

“Thanks guys.” I smiled at them.

“Well, everything has been settled. I set up our first official practice as next Sunday. Sandra wasn't even mad about not being picked and CC had to run home to tell his Mom or some shit.” Ash laughed sitting in the chair next to us.

“Showers are great.” Ashley said flopping in the bed next to me. I was working on a new song that I started thinking of at the audition. I felt Ash shift his weight in the bed. “One look and I'm sold, you've got me on my knees.” I snapped the book shut before he could read more.

“Stop that.” I complained.

“Let me see it.” He smiled.

“No. It's not done yet.” He leaned in closer to me, I pushed him away.

“Why wont you let me see?”

“Becuase it's not done yet, and...” I trailed away.

“And what?” He smiled.

“Nothing. Let's just go to sleep.” I put the notebook on my side table, turned off the light, grabbed Bat Koala and laid down. He was useful for something, he smelled like Ash's room, so I've already taken to cuddling with it at night.

“Oh. OK. Night Andy.” Ash said turning off his lamp and covering us with the blanket.

My dreams torture me, they really do. I had a dream about me and Ash last night. We were standing on a stage in front of a large crowed with our band.

“Thank you Phoenix Arizona! We've been Black Veil Brides!” I called out to the roaring crowed as we started getting off the stage.

“Andy hold on! Everyone come back. Before we leave, I want to announce something. Right here, in front of our fans.” Ash said into his mic. The crowed got quiet, my heart stopped. Maybe he was going to quit the band.

“What is it?” Jinxx asked, breaking the silence. And within a matter of a few seconds, Ash came over to me and kissed me.

“That I'm in love with Andy Biersack.” He smiled. I felt shock that this was happening.

“Why here?” I managed to ask him.

“Because Andy, our love isn't something to be ashamed of. We should be able to share it in front of out friends, our family,even out fans. I love you Andy, say you love me too.” My eyes started to tear up as someone in the crowed yelled for me to say I love him. The crowed and the guys started chanting 'Do it!' over and over.

“OK! OK. Ashley Purdy, I love you. I love you more than life itself.” I kissed him again. The crowed was going crazy, but the dream had to sadly end when my alarm went off.

I was yanked out of the deep sleep by the sound of my Avenged Sevenfold ring tone. I didn't want to get up, because Bat Koala was comfortable. I managed to peel my eyes ope, only to see that I wasn't snuggling Bat Koala, but Ashley. I had somehow managed, in my sleep to wrap my arms around him and had my head resting on his back. I hurried to get up and roll over before Ash woke up. That didn't happen. It wasn't real. You're still dreaming Andy, that's it. Just dreaming.