All or Nothing

Brian stood before her, smiling, laughing at something she’d said. She smiled, too, and reached out for him, but once she touched him, the smile faded from his face. He backed away from her, throwing her hand away.

“Brian, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“You disgust me,” he said and his face scrunched up.

“What?” she asked, confused.

Suddenly, all the guys were there behind Brian. Val and Katie hung onto Matt and Zacky. Kaicey appeared out of nowhere. She walked up and latched onto Brian before her mouth melded into his. Eliza could see tongue and she felt disgusted.

“I never wanted you,” Brian said as he broke the kiss and looked toward Eliza.

“What?” she asked brokenly.

“I never wanted you. I only want Kaicey. She’s so much better in bed than you are. You’re nothing but a drug addict and a drunk. You can’t sing and your band sucks ass. I don’t even know why you think you have a chance to be something. You should just quit,” Brian said and wrapped his arm around Kaicey.

Eliza couldn’t help the tears that fell.

“I told you I would have him, you nasty bitch,” Kaicey said with a smile, and Eliza watched her hand roam over the front of Brian’s pants.

Eliza felt sick. This was wrong. All wrong.

“I don’t love you,” Brian said.

“She’s a better friend than you will ever be,” Katie said, coming to stand at Kaicey’s other side.

Eliza backed away, tears falling down and she tried to run away, but everywhere she went, faces were laughing at her.

Eliza jerked awake, her hair sticking to her neck and face with sweat. She was breathing hard and all of a sudden, a wave of nausea swept over her and she vaulted off the bed to get to the bathroom. She barely made it in time before she was vomiting everything up.

She tried to keep her hair back, but it was too much for her. She cried into the toilet bowl and she felt hands pull her hair back. She coughed a few times and spit into the toilet, sure she was finished. She blindly reached up to flush and sat back, tears flowing out of her eyes.

Through her tears, she saw Brian fixing her toothbrush with toothpaste and running it under water.

He’d just cut the television off, hoping the silence would help him sleep when he’d heard her scream out and then her feet on the wooden floor. He was up the stairs in no time to hear her heaving in the bathroom.

She took the toothbrush from him and ran it along her mouth, hating the taste of vomit. It almost made her gag again but she was able to control it. He took the toothbrush when she was finished with it and helped her stand so she could rinse out her mouth.

“Come on, let’s get you back to bed,” he said quietly as he took her hand once she was finished.

She let him lead her, her eyes on their connected hands and how right it felt when they stopped. She looked at him and then to her bed.

“Are you alright?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah, I just had a really bad dream,” she said with a small smile.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked her.

She shook her head no.

“So you’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Alright,” Brian said and as he moved by her he kissed the side of her head.

Before he could full let go of her hand, she squeezed it, holding him in place. He turned back to her to see her facing him with tears in her eyes. His heart squeezed a bit and he moved closer to her.

“Don’t leave,” she whispered as she leaned up to him.

“I won’t,” he whispered back just before their lips connected.

It was as if a switch had been flipped as soon as their lips connected. One minute, they weren’t speaking, and the next they were all over each other. Their clothes ended up in a pile on one side of the bed and Eliza was pinned underneath Brian on the bed. Her nails raked up his back as his fingers worked magic on her.

Soon, she was writhing on the bed and begging him to stop teasing. He couldn’t wait anymore and he entered her swiftly, making her gasp and then groan out loud.

At one point, she looked up to find his eyes on hers. He leaned down, eyes opened, and kissed her on the mouth as they both found their release.

Brian collapsed at her back and couldn’t help himself from wrapping his arms around her. He felt her snuggle into his front, her face turned back so he could see her profile. He closed his eyes with a smile on his face.

Eliza hadn’t fallen asleep that easily in five months.



Eliza stretched awake with a smile on her face.

She sat up in bed and looked around; Brian wasn’t there.

She stood up, confused, until she heard the toilet flush. She moved around the bed, finding pieces of her clothing and putting them on. She stood up and moved away from the bed and took her hair down to put it back up.

The bathroom door opened shortly after and she smiled in the direction Brian was standing.

“Good morning,” she said with a smile, but it faded when she saw his face.

“What the fuck is this?” he asked, referencing the small cellophane bag she’d used the night before with her pills.

“What does it look like, Brian?”

“It looks like you’ve fucking turned into a drug addict.”

“Yeah, I’m a drug addict, Brian. Four pills signify a fucking drug addict. Tell me again, how many have you done?”

He ignored her question. “What about the other things you’ve been doing?”

“What other things?” Eliza asked, crossing her arms over her chest, shifting uncomfortably.

“I’m talking about you fucking hanging out at a strip club, doing God knows what with God knows who! Everyone’s worried about you, Eliza! How could you turn to drugs?!”

“You don’t know shit about my life anymore, Brian.”

“I know that you’re better than drugs, Eliza.”

“You don’t know what it’s been like since you decided to fucking leave, Brian. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in five months. I just recently got my appetite back in full.”

“I don’t know what it’s been like, Eliza? I have to live with the guilt of doing all this to you. I realized I made a mistake, but you won’t let me apologize for it! I’ve tried and tried to apologize!”

“No, you haven’t!” Eliza screamed back. “You haven’t made one fucking attempt to make any of this better. You shattered my world, Brian, again. Saying you’re sorry isn’t going to make it better. I'm so much better without you.”

“Yeah? Are you sure because it seems like you're so much better by doing drugs. Doing drugs is just bad news, Eliza. Think about what your parents would say. I bet you haven’t even been to their graves, either.”

“Get out,” Eliza spat.

“You’re ruining yourself, Eliza.”

“I’m not ruining me, Brian! You ruined me! You promised me you would never do this to me again! I’m not Amber; I don’t fucking cheat, least of all with Hunter. I hated him, and you believed what you wanted to believe. You ruined me, Brian.”

“Speaking of Hunter,” Brian started. “What, are you fucking him now, too?”

“I don’t have to answer that, you asshole. I’m in a band with him. I didn’t touch him then, and I wouldn’t touch him now. How dare you come in here accusing me of that shit.”

“I dare because I fucking care about you!”

“Well you’ve got a fucked up way of showing it!”

“And you’re just fucking up!” Brian screamed back at her. “You’re doing drugs now, Eliza! How could you do this to your parents? You’re nothing but bad news and you’re no better than Amber.”

“Get out,” she screamed as she advanced on him. A slap sounded and a red mark appeared on his cheek. “I’m ten times the girlfriend Amber was for you. You say I’m bad news? You’re a fucking liar, Brian. You lied when you said you trusted me, when you said you’d never do this to me again, and you lied when you said you loved me. Get the fuck out of my house. I won't ever think about you after this moment.”

Brian stared at her angrily for a minute before turning around. He ripped the door open to see Jimmy, Matt, Val, and Katie on the other side. He didn’t even bother slamming the door, he just pushed past them and made his way down the stairs.

Angrily, Eliza slammed her fist into the wall, screaming. Tears streamed down her face as Jimmy and Katie came in. Matt and Val followed Brian.

“What the hell was that?” Katie asked, looking back at the door with her mouth open.

“A fucking mistake,” Eliza said and wiped away her tears.

Jimmy moved to her and pulled her into a hug. She couldn’t help it anymore; she broke down and cried. She hadn’t cried this hard since the first week she’d been without him. Things were fine for all of an hour and then they turned into a nightmare. She couldn’t believe it.

“Do you want me to tell them to call off the concert?” Jimmy asked as her tears diminished.

“No,” she said, sniffling. Her phone rang from beside her bed and she recognized Hunter’s ringtone. “No, I’m definitely doing the concert.”

She moved to her bedside table and picked up the phone. Hunter was giving her a wake up text to tell her they had sound check in an hour. She sighed and turned around.

“I’ve got sound check in an hour. I need to get ready.”

Jimmy looked from Eliza to Katie. When Katie nodded, he left the room. Eliza moved to her bathroom and turned on the water.

“Eliza, what’s going on?” Katie asked, coming in to sit on the counter.

“Everything’s going on,” Eliza said as she peeled off her clothes and stepped into the shower. “I slept with my ex last night who accused me of being a drug addict this morning. He said really hurtful shit and I said hurtful things and I made him leave.”

“Are you doing drugs?” Katie asked, quietly.

Eliza took a deep breath before answering. “Yes.”

Katie covered her face with her hands and breathed. “What drug?”

“Cocaine.”

“How long?”

“Since November,” Eliza replied.

“That’s a long time, Liz,” Katie said, using her old nickname for her friend.

“I know and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys…I was just ashamed. I’m still ashamed, really. I never meant for it to get this out of control. I just went to hang out with Nisa and I met her uncle and it was just…there.”

“You know you need to stop, right?”

“Yes, I know,” Eliza said as she finished in the shower.

She reached for the towel and wrapped it around her body. She put the smaller one on her hair and looked at Katie.

“You do it,” Eliza said.

“Do what?”

“Get rid of it,” Eliza said. She moved to the toilet where she lifted the back of it, pulled the baggie from underneath and handed it to Katie. “I don’t care what you do with it; just get rid of it.”

Katie looked at Eliza and took the bag from her. She opened it and poured it into the toilet. Once the small bag was emptied, she ran water in it and poured that out as well. She looked back at Eliza who only nodded and Katie flushed the toilet.

Katie grabbed Eliza’s hand and smiled at her friend. “We’ll get through this, okay?”

Eliza nodded and smiled before pulling Katie in for a hug.