All or Nothing

The entire place was shaking from the bass of music by the time Eliza stepped out of her car. As she got closer, she recognized the sound of some rap song playing and her eyebrows furrowed. She’d automatically assumed Avenged was going to do a concert of some sort, but here she was outside of Johnny’s, and she heard rap music.

Cautiously, she pulled the door open just as the song ended. A guy came up on the stage to test one of the microphones. She slowly made her way to the bar, only breaking her concentration of the stage to order a drink. The entire building was packed with people; she was lucky she was able to get in. Fortunately for her, a spot at the bar was open and she quickly took the seat, watching the stage the whole time.

It was set up as if there was going to be a concert and she suddenly understood why everyone wanted her to be here. The boys were throwing an impromptu concert and for some reason, they wanted her there. She couldn’t tell anything from the set up, but she sat and patiently waited for them to come out.
She didn’t have to wait long.

Soon, all of the guys were filling onto the stage and a roar went up from the small yet large crowd. The guys took their positions; Jimmy was behind his drum kit and Brian, Johnny, Zacky and Matt all sat on stools in front of him. The only thing that was different was that Brian was at the front of the stage instead of the right where he normally was. Matt was sitting to the right with a small keyboard in front of him.

“What’s up guys,” Brian said standing in front of the microphone. “We want to thank all you guys for coming out today; it means a lot that you want to support us. This isn’t going to be a traditional concert or show. As you can see, we’ve got M. Shadows on the keyboard.”

Brian paused as cheers went up while Matt waved from his position. Soon, the applause died down and Brian started speaking again.

“While we may sneak in a few of our own songs, we mostly congregated today for a show of all different songs.”

Murmurs went up from the crowd at Brian’s words and Eliza’s eyebrows furrowed as she twisted in her seat.

“A lot of you are really close friends of ours, so you know that a while ago some shit went down and my fiancée and I are no longer together. Well, she was supposed to be here today for this, but she’s not here. Even though she isn’t here, I still wanted to do this show. All of the songs we’re going to play today are songs that in some way remind me of her. These are just the songs that really stand out in my mind because if I played all the songs that remind me of her, we’d be here for days.”

A few people chuckled and a few people made noises of appreciation. Eliza, on the other hand, slapped a bill on the counter for her unfinished drink and stood up. She made her way to the door, and just as she was about to push the doors open, the sounds of the first song hit her ears, making her freeze. Jimmy came in then, with his drumbeat. Slowly, Eliza turned around, her arms crossed over her chest to listen.

“She grew up with the children of the stars; In the Hollywood hills and the boulevard. Her parents threw big parties; everyone was there. They hung out with folks like Dennis Hopper, Bob Seeger, and Sonny and Cher.

She feels safe now, in this bar on Fairfax. From the stage I can tell that she can’t let go and she can’t relax. And just before she hangs her head to cry, I sing to her a lullaby.

I say, everything’s gonna be alright; rockabye. Rockabye. Everything’s gonna be alright, rockabye. Rockabye, rockabye.”

She heard Matt’s piano part clearly, and Brian’s beautiful voice as he portrayed the song that had reminded her so much of her father. She thought back to the funeral for her dad and how they’d learned this song especially for her.

“She still lives with her mom outside the city; down that street about a half a mile. And all her friends tell her she’s so pretty, but she’d be a whole lot prettier if she smiled once in a while. Cause even her smile looks like a frown and she’s seen her share of devils in this angel town.”

Slowly, she made her way back to her seat without taking her eyes from the stage as Brian continued to sing. His eyes were closed and by his facial expressions, she could tell he was very into the song. She quickly glanced behind her and found her drink, signaling to the bartender to bring her another one, and she turned back to watch Brian finish out the song.

As soon as he’d finished that song, he’d moved into another, Eliza immediately recognizing the song he’d said was “their” song. The sounds of “All or Nothing” filled her ears and she couldn’t help the small smile that floated across her mouth.

“I wondered how long it would take you to smile.”

Startled, Eliza glanced to the person to her left. Val was sitting there, grinning like a fool from the barstool.

“When the hell did you sit down?”

“When you went to the door to leave, figuring when you heard the song, you’d come back.”

“Creepy bitch,” Eliza said with an affectionate smile before turning her attention back to the stage.

Matt had started a piano tune with Brian strumming on his acoustic guitar. Soon, Brian’s voice softly floated from the speakers.

“You know I'd fall apart without you. I don't know how you do what you do, ‘cause everything that don't make sense about me, makes sense when I'm with you. Like everything that's green, girl I need you, but it's more than one and one makes two. Put aside the math and the logic of it, you gotta know you're wanted too…

‘Cause I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips. I wanna make you feel wanted. I wanna call you mine; wanna hold your hand forever and never let you forget it. Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted.”

Eliza’s eyes bristled with tears as she listened to the song.

“Anyone can tell you you’re pretty, you get that all the time, I know you do. Your beauty’s deeper than your make up and I wanna show you what I see tonight when I wrap you up, when I kiss your lips. I wanna make you feel wanted. I wanna call you mine, wanna hold your forever and never let you forget it. Because baby, I wanna make you feel wanted.

As good as you make me feel, I wanna make you feel better. Better than your fairy tales, better than your best dreams. You're more than everything I need; you're all I ever wanted; all I ever wanted,”

“Sweet, isn’t it?” Val asked as she leaned into Eliza.

All she could do was nod.

Instinctively, her hand reached up and grabbed a hold of her chain, feeling the metal of the ring through her shirt. She fingered the chain until she found the actual ring and held it in her fist. She knew what Brian was doing was sweet, but she couldn’t ignore the queasy feeling in the bottom of her stomach. She watched him through lidded eyes, the pain of him turning his back on her never leaving her mind.

After that, he launched into the heart-wrenching “Hate Me” song by Blue October, and she almost lost it then, but she didn’t. She didn’t shed a tear and kept her eyes on him as he sang. Once the song was over, she leaned to Val who was still sitting beside her.

“Does he know I’m here?”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Good,” Eliza said and straightened back up.

She listened as they went through a Nickelback song and then the song “Wherever You Will Go” by The Calling. Once they’d played through those two songs, Eliza narrowed her eyes as she recognized the beginnings of her own song, “Without You”. She shifted a bit uncomfortably and finished the rest of her second drink before ordering another when they’d finished the song. Matt got up from his spot in front of the keyboard as they played the song “Dear God” that Brian had swore was influenced by her. Once Matt had taken his spot back in front of the keyboard, they picked up another tune.

All she could do was sit there as she recognized “Wonderwall” by Oasis. Honestly, it was one of the most beautiful songs she’d ever heard in her life and now Brian was playing it to her, even if he didn’t realize it. She reached up and fingered the ring around her neck again and tore her eyes away from Brian.

She thought of everything that they’d gone through since he first asked her to move in with him almost a year before. They’d had great memories in the house and together, but she couldn’t keep the sordid memories from coming to the front to remind her why she wasn’t with him.

Brian cleared his throat and brought her attention back to him. He sighed and looked out into the lights, able to see a few faces, but they weren’t the one he desperately wanted to see. He said some meaningless words into the microphone, thanking everyone for coming out before he readjusted his guitar strap on his shoulder to settle into the last three songs. He plucked at the strings before he opened his mouth and took a deep breath in.

“Oh, I’ve had a lot to say; was thinking on my time away. I miss you and things weren’t the same, ‘cause everything inside, it never comes out right and when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die.

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue, I’m sorry about all the things I said to you and I know I can’t take it back. I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds and baby the way you make my world go round and I just wanted to say…

This time I’m to blame. It’s harder to get through the days; you get older and blame turns to shame. ‘Cause everything inside, it never comes out right, and when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die.

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue, I’m sorry about all the things I said to you and I know I can’t take it back. I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds and baby the way you make my world go round and I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

Every single day I think about how we came all this way; the sleepless nights and the tears you cried. It’s never too late to make it right, oh yeah. I’m sorry…

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue, I’m sorry about all the things I said to you and I know I can’t take it back. I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds and baby the way you make my world go round and I just wanted to say I’m sorry… I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry baby, yeah… I’m sorry.”

By the time Brian had finished the song, Eliza was in tears. She hadn’t made a single sound and Val wouldn’t have known otherwise if she hadn’t been watching Eliza the entire time. It was recognition of the song that did Eliza in and made her start crying. Once the song was over, she pulled a shaky hand to her face and wiped at her cheeks, sniffling a few times. She had herself composed by the time Brian and the rest of the guys were ready for the next song.

It was a slow song with a soft rhythm that made Eliza sit on the edge of her chair.

“When I look into your eyes it’s like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise, well there’s so much they hold. And just like them old stars, I see that you’ve come so far to be right where you are. How old is your soul?

Well, I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I’m giving you all my love; I’m still looking up.

And when you’re needing your space to do some navigating, I’ll be here patiently waiting to see what you find. ‘Cause even the stars they burn. Some even fall to the Earth. We got a lot to learn, God knows we’re worth it. No, I won’t give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily, I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake. And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn; we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am,” Brian sang, dragging out the last word.

Eliza’s eyes were literally overflowing with salt water. She hadn’t been able to hold it in and she was audibly crying, not caring at all if people saw her. Val reached over and grabbed her hand. Eliza squeezed her acknowledgement but her eyes remained on Brian’s form, listening to his beautiful voice as it melted all over her.

“I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I’ve given you all my love; I’m still looking up. I’m still looking up. I won’t give up on us,” he sang out to the crowd.

He repeated the chorus again with the other guys singing harmony and background with him until they all faded away and it was just Brian left on the guitar and singing by himself. At one point, she thought he’d looked straight at her, but then he finished the song. As soon as he was finished with that song, he immediately plucked the strings for the last song and Eliza covered her face with her hands.

He didn’t even need to start singing to make Eliza cry. She knew he why he was playing “Right Here” by Staind, and he knew that it would make her cry every time. He’d planned this well, even if he thought she wasn’t there.

The song was a few chords away from being over and Eliza couldn’t stand it. One hand covering her mouth to keep from crying out, she slid off of the chair and made her way to the door.

A movement from the back caught Brian’s eye and he saw a female exiting the building, her hand over her mouth like she was crying. He squinted in confusion, but he saw the hair color and realized who it was. Without saying anything, he ripped his guitar from around his neck and as he jumped off the stage, he placed it behind him, pushing through the crowd to the door.

Eliza was almost to haven. She was almost to her car where she could be alone and finally let everything out. She knew she shouldn’t have come to Johnny’s Bar but curiosity killed the cat once again.

“Eliza, wait!”

She froze with her hand on the mirror of the car. She had been so close. Slowly, she turned around to see Brian jogging toward her. He looked heartbreakingly beautiful and it made fresh tears come to her eyes. She quickly looked away.

“You’re here,” he breathed out as he came to a stop in front of her. She wasn’t looking at him. “I didn’t think you’d make it.”

“Yeah, I’m here,” she said, her eyes looking anywhere but at him.

“Why are you crying?” he asked, stepping forward. She saw him and stepped back a step. “Was it that bad?”

Something between a sob and a laugh came from her lips and she wiped at her eye. “No, it wasn’t bad, Brian.”

“I told you guys I don’t sing.”

“You were brilliant.”

“I thought you weren’t coming. Everyone said you weren’t gonna be here, but you’re here.”

“Yeah, I am,” she said, sadly, yet she still didn’t look at him.

“Eliza, please look at me,” he said, lifting a hand and attempted to take a step closer to her but at that exact moment, her eyes met his and he was frozen in place.

“I don’t want to look at you, Brian,” she whispered. “I don’t want to be here; I don’t want to be in this situation.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, quietly. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Eliza’s eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip quivered as she tore her glance from him. Her arm came up and she gripped her right bicep with her left hand. Her right hand came up to cover her mouth to keep her from crying again.

“Eliza, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he said and stepped toward her again. She didn’t move and his hand touched her arm.

She immediately jerked away from him and her eyes targeted his.

“Stop it, Brian! Stop all of this shit! Those were always your intentions! You always meant to make me cry! God knows you were the only fucking one who could do it!”

“It was never my intention to make you cry, Eliza.”

Brian watched as black streaks formed on her cheeks and she ran her hands through her hair before opening the car door. He was about to stop her when he realized she was just reaching for her cigarettes. She slowly lifted it to her mouth and he watched her hand shake as she lit it.

“You were always the only who could make me cry. I guess it was fate that you were going to make me do it over and over again. Fuck, I don’t even know why I fucking came tonight,” she said and sniffed again. “I can’t take this anymore, Brian. I can’t take the fucking heartbreak from you anymore.”

“Eliza, please,” he said as she reached to pull open her car door. She stopped as he touched her arm. “One chance, Eliza; all I need is one chance to make this up to you.”

“You’re out of chances, Brian. You promised you wouldn’t do that shit again and guess what you did?! Not only that, but you kissed one of the few people I hate, and you want one more chance to make this right!? Brian, that’s strike three,” she cried.

“Eliza, please,” he said, his own eyes filling with tears. He looked around wildly, trying to figure out something to say to her. Suddenly it hit him. “Come with me.”

“Where?” Eliza asked, suspiciously.

“Tomorrow we’re going to London for the Kerrang! Awards. I want you to go with me.”

“Brian, I can’t—”

“Eliza, please. Come with me, stay a few days for free, and then make your decision. Don’t give up on me now, please. Come with me to London.”

Eliza’s eyes searched Brian’s face. She knew he was serious; she could feel it reverberating from his body. She took a drag from her cigarette, her eyes never leaving her face, and she could feel her hands shaking.

She closed her eyes in defeat and bowed her head, running her hand through her hair, flipping most of it to the left side. She lifted her head and looked at him, knowing she may regret this.

“Okay.”