Messy Ending

Dai

At least a week had passed since Ali had walked in on Ben and I. Miraculously I’d steered clear of Ben in that week and hadn’t seen him once, while still keeping in tight contact with the other boys of Asking Alexandria. I wasn’t exactly sure, despite their threats, if any of them had actually spoken to Ben since then, other than Danny of course. Then again I didn’t really care. I didn’t want to think about Ben at all.

“Dai?” I heard a voice call my name from the doorway. I pushed myself up to see Sammi, poking her head, through my bedroom door. I’d been lying flat on my bed, staring dazedly at the white ceiling, and hadn’t heard my door crack open. “Can I come in?” She lingered, uncertainly in the doorway.

“Of course, Sam.” I motioned her into the room with one hand while pushing myself up to a sitting position with the other. I pressed my back against the wall and extended my legs out in front of me. “What’s up?” I quizzed as my best friend took a seat at the edge of the bed.

The expression on her face told me she was uneasy, as if she were about to lay some horrible news on me. I’d been friends with her for so long I could basically read her expressions easily by now. I stared at her quizzically, awaiting her words. “Okay.” She blew out a breath, seeming to brace herself for what she was going to say next. “Christmas is on Wednesday,” she finally said.

I waited for her to elaborate, but when she didn’t I said, “Yeah… and?”

“Well,” She cleared her throat before continuing on, “On Christmas, the boys are gonna be over here for a little get together… All of the boys,” she clarified with a chanced look at me.

All the blood drained from my face, I could feel it. “Oh… So, that… that means that Ben would be here… in the same room as me?” I mumbled the stammered question without looking up from my fidgeting hands.

“Yeah, that’s what that would mean,” she confirmed, letting out a giant sigh.

For a minute I couldn’t speak at all. Today was Sunday, which meant there were only three days until I would finally have to see Ben after having successfully avoided him for so long.

“If… if you want to, you can stay in here instead. You don’t even have to go out there,” she suggested in a soft voice.

“No… no, I want to celebrate Christmas with you and the boys, excluding a certain one, but whatever. I’ll be fine, Sam.”

“You sure?” You can always tell me if this makes you uncomfortable, Dai,” she informed me, poking at my thigh with her pointer finger.

“Yes, Sammi, I’ll be fine. Really,” I insisted.

“Alright…” She didn’t look convinced as rose to her feet. “Just let me know if you change your mind,” she continued, heading toward my door no doubt to spend time with her boyfriend.

Once she finally left and shut the door behind her, I pulled my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and resting my cheek atop my knees. After I did that, I cried. I don’t know how long I sat there curled into myself on my bed crying. In fact, I couldn’t quite decipher the exact reason I was crying. Was it because I would have to see Ben after successfully avoiding him? Was it because I was still very much in love with him? I didn’t know, but once the tears started I couldn’t stop the flow.

Eventually the waterworks dried up and I fell into a deep sleep like that, curled up in a ball.

~~~

Those three days passed very quickly and agonizingly slowly at the same time. The dread I felt for seeing Ben again weighed heavily on my heart, stomach, and my mind. It physically hurt me and made me sick to my stomach to know that he would be in my house soon.

Sammi seemed to notice and asked many times in that three day period if I was sure I wanted to put myself in that situation.

Repeatedly I insisted that I was okay. I guess it was a testament to her friendship towards me that she worried and cared this much.

On the morning of Christmas, I threw on a gray sweater dress that went past my thighs over some black leggings. I didn’t do anything with my hair other than throw it into a messy ponytail. I was in the kitchen baking some treats for the party that night.

Ever since I’d been with Ben I baked less and less until I eventually stopped, too wrapped up in him to do much else. Steph made a few comments on it, but I never did anything about it. In fact I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a professional baker anymore. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. All I knew was I didn’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life.

A very familiar and entirely welcome voice coming from the living room broke me from my reverie. “Something smells glorious!” It was Danny’s distinct voice that I heard.

“Danny!” I called, peeking my head around the doorframe.

Standing near my front door was Danny, James, and a very pretty girl I’d never seen before. I assumed this girl to be James’ girlfriend. She had pretty brunette, almost black, hair falling in long waves to the middle of her back. With her bright, wide smile and chocolate brown eyes her looks complemented James’ perfectly. “Hey, guys.” I put on a wide grin for all of them. “Merry Christmas!”

“Dai!” Danny called back at me in response, wrapping his muscled arms around my small frame.

“’Ey, love,” James greeted, capturing me in an embrace as well. “This is my girlfriend, Brandi,” he introduced when he noticed my examination of the girl.

“Hello,” I greeted her. “My name’s Dai.”

“Nice to meet you. Believe me I’ve heard all about you. If not from him,” she gestured towards James, “then from Ben. Ben never shuts up about you. I couldn’t believe what he did to you when I heard. That’s fucked up… I’m babbling again aren’t I?” She turned to look up at James with wide eyes.

“I think it’s adorable, sweetheart,” James told her, smiling down at her sweetly.

The cuteness of that small exchange made my lips curve into a smile as well.

“The others are on their way,” Danny explained to me. “They decided to carpool. They’ll be here soon.” Danny’s attention was pulled from me then and his eyes lit up. Just by the look on his face I could tell my best friend had walked into the room without actually seeing her. These couples in front of me were so freaking cute and that bothered me. It shouldn’t have, but it bothered me, because that’s the way Ben and I used to be.

“Heya, James,” Sammi greeted as she made her way to her boyfriend.

“Hello,” he replied introducing her to Brandi as well.

Sammi nodded in acknowledgement before turning to give Danny a lingering kiss. After they parted she turned back to Brandi. “I’m Sammi,” she explained with a small smile.

“Great to meet you,” the girl responded, trying to seem more reserved than before.

“What’s that smell, Dai?” Danny inquired, pulling Dai closer to his body by her waist.

“I’m baking,” I replied, turning to the kitchen again.”

“Of course you are.” Danny smiled.

I returned his smile with one of my own before I walked through the kitchen doorway. I’d just pulled the tray of cookies out of the oven when I heard the dreadful sound of the door opening. More familiar voices joined the ones that were already here.

“Where’s Dai at?” I was Sam that had asked, I was pretty sure.

“Kitchen,” Danny replied.

Not long after Danny spoke I felt arms hug arm my shoulders. “Sam!” I yelled as I spun to face him. “You scared the shit out of me.” I swatted at his chest.

“Nice to see you too, love.” He chuckled.

My eyes rolled almost involuntarily and out of habit.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me!” he teased, poking his tongue out at me.

“Real mature, Sam...” I took a short pause and glanced around to make sure nobody could overhear us. “Is Ben out there?”

I wasn’t joking anymore; I was serious now. I’m sure Sam could tell the seriousness of my tone, because his smile faded. “Yeah. He’s been pretty quiet all day… He misses you, I think. He’s been depressed for a little over a week. Around the time you left.”

“Yeah, well… he should have thought about that before he hurt me,” I said, quietly while brushing my bands out of my face.

Sam nodded. “Do you wanna go out there?” he asked, gently.

I was growing tired of everyone tiptoeing around the subject of Ben around me. “I need Sammi to come in here so we can start cooking anyway. I just need to go out there to get her.”

Sam led me back into the living room. All sets of eyes turned to us. One set of eyes in particular made me squirm. It took everything in me not to burst into tears then and there. “Uhm, Sammi, you wanna start cooking?” I questioned once I found my voice. Even then the voice was soft and broke in places.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Let’s do it.” She pushed herself up from her spot on the couch beside Danny.

“Oh, I’ll help,” Brandi offered her too springing up from her seat to follow us into the kitchen with that wide smile of hers on her face.

As the girls followed me into the kitchen I couldn’t shake the feeling I had that Ben’s eyes were burning holes in my back.

“Ben wouldn’t take his eyes off of you,” Brandi whispered to me as she rubbed the marinade on the ham.

Sammi looked up at us from the other side of the counter where she was working on a green bean casserole. “I noticed that too,” she confirmed.

I stared at the rolls I was arranging onto a pan with pursed lips. “Can everybody just stop mentioning him to me, please? I’m kind of trying to get over him.” I paused a second to let out a sigh. “It’s hard, considering I’m still kind of in love with him.” No one responded and they didn’t speak of Ben after that.

~~~

“Delicious, girls,” Danny praised , shoveling the food that was on his plate into his mouth.

“Thanks, Danny,” the three of us females spouted completely in unplanned unison.

The whole gang sat around the long, wooden table that usually sat ignored in mine and Sammi’s kitchen. It was at least three hours after we had begun to cook and the ham had been cooked until it was edible. Danny sat at one head of the table, Sammi to his left and Sam to his right. I sat next to Sam and Cam was on my other side followed by Brandi and then James who had taken the seat at the end of the table opposite Danny. Ben, against all odds, had somehow managed to snag the seat that was in front of me.

The intensity of Ben’s stare and even the weight of his mere presence was enough to give me the urge to burst into tears. I held strong, though, as to not let anyone see me cry. I head back the flood threatening to break the dam.

The entire time we were at the table I didn’t look up from my plate. The moment I did our gazes locked and held each other in place for a single moment tangible with pain. Ben’s pale green eyes had a pained look about them and were even glossing over with what looked to be fresh tears, which he too didn’t allow to spill over. Immediately, I cast my gaze back down to my food once more.

At the end of the meal I stayed behind to wash the dishes we’d dirtied. The others had adjourned back into the living room or so I thought.

“Dai?”

My entire body went rigid and tensed at the all too familiar and completely unwelcome voice. I decided the best plan of action was to pretend as if he wasn’t there, as if I couldn’t hear him in the first place.

Several moments of silence passed and I’d assumed he had joined the others, but I was wrong. He spoke again, this time a mere foot away from me. “Dai, I know you can hear me.” He was close enough that a strong smell of cigarette smoke and alcohol hit my nostrils, disgusting me.

“Ben,” I started in a soft, broken murmur. “I would rather you not talk to me.” My voice broke and wavered in several places, but I still held the tears to myself.

“Dai, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m idiot. I know that, but I cannot bear to lose you. I just can’t lose you, Dai.”

I didn’t turn to look, but my eyes shut involuntarily to clear my head for a moment. “You should have taken that into consideration, Ben,” I told him, my eyes still closed.

Again he’d moved closer to me. Now he was standing beside me. “Dai,” he pleaded. “Please.”

As much as it pained me to do so I shook my head at him. “No,” I barely whispered.

I turned back to the dishes, but only a few seconds passed before I heard my name called again and realized he was still standing beside me. This time I chanced a glance at him. Something above our heads caught his attention. Once I noticed what he had arrested his attention my skin turned ice cold to the touch and the blood drained from my face.

Sammi had insisted on hanging mistletoe around the apartment as decoration for the holidays. Now Ben and I happened to be standing right under one of the treacherous parasites she’d put up… together.