Not Worth Your Tears

I walked up the stairs and unlocked my door and sagged down against the door after walking inside, exhausted from job hunting. I was tired, and slightly cranky. Apparently in New York nobody has manners, and most looked at me and grunted, telling me they were too busy.

A knock on my door startled me, and I jogged over to it. I fluffed up my hair and opened the door to see Kyle standing in front of me with his hair done and his clothes pressed and fancy. Trixy popped out from behind him yelling boo, in which I pretended to be shocked. He explained him and Kennedy, his girlfriend, were going to a meeting with people from a studio who were promising him a record deal. I wished him luck and turned my attention to being an awesome babysitter.

Trixy and I played go fish on my bed and then I read her some of my favorite fairy tale books. We had popcorn and finally she fell asleep on my bed, snuggled up beside me. I went out into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water, gulping it down. Kyle knocked on my door and I opened it, moving to let him in. Kyle's face was pale, and his spirits looked down. He gave me a half-hearted smile and leaned
against the door frame.

"No luck?" I frowned as he ran his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. "Want some coffee? I have instant? I smiled shyly at him, and wished his playful self was back. “How do you like yours?” I asked, moving over to my counter. I took out the container but he shook his head.

“I’ll take you out for coffee. I like Starbucks, so is that okay? We can take Trixy over to my place while we go out.” Kyle smiled sadly and looked towards my bedroom. “She’ll be fine. It’s my treat?”

I blushed and smiled. Trying to sound extra peppy to cheer him up, I giggled, “Sure. I love Starbucks!”

“Alright, you get ready and I'll bring Trix over to my place. See you in ten minutes okay?” Kyle said, looking at me over his shoulder. I nodded and he went to my room and came out with Trixy in his arms.

We took Kyle's car down to a Starbucks close to our apartments where I had applied earlier this morning. I was always happy to go to Starbucks because they usually had a book section, like this one. “I applied here earlier this morning. I love Starbucks, and books, so I really hope they hire me!”

Kyle smiled and nodded at the store. “I go here all the time, and they know me by name. I can put in a good word for you." I could tell he was pretty down, and was impressed at how he kept up such a happy front.

I wanted him to be happy again so I beamed at him, and opened the door, following him inside. "Thanks so much, Kyle!"

"No problem, Kay." He smiled at me and winked, opening the door to Starbucks for me. I blushed and averted my eyes from him. Kyle was such a gentleman, like no other guy I'd met before. Kaybree, are you forming a crush? I think you are.

We sat down at a booth and he flipped up his hoodie and leaned against the table. "Okay, what 'cha want to drink? Cappachino with whip cream?" He asked, raising his eyebrow.

I shook my head, and leaned onto the table. "Nah. Just a coffee with some milk, if thats okay." Kyle smiled and raised both his eyebrows.

"Alright." He said, walking away to order.

"So Kaybree. We've been living beside each other for three weeks now, and I only know a few things about you. Tell me about where you moved from? Was your apartment there smaller?" Kyle slid me my drink and I took a long sip, feeling the warmth of the liquid burned down my chest. I knew I was ready to open up. At least for Kyle.

"I'm from California. My dad's the owner a big company, so we had a big house. I have two siblings, Travis and Breeze. I like books, and musicals. And yeah that's about it." I sighed from relief. I had practiced this moment in my head a few times in bed, the moment where I told somebody I liked about my life.

"Well, why on earth did you move out here? Sounds like you had it pretty good." Kyle laughed, raising his eyebrows.

I frowned and stirred my drink. "Dad's buisness isn't going too good. Money was tight and bills weren't getting paid. Mom and dad started fighting, which they never did in my life... I didn't have much to tie me down. I didn't have friends, or a job, or people I was close to...I just wanted a fresh start..." I looked up into his eyes and he looked haunted. Kyle slid his fingers towards mine and intertwined them.

"Kaybree...I know how you feel." My heart stopped and tears welled up in my eyes. I guess that was what I needed. To have someone know how it felt to be alone. To have someone tell me they understand. I smiled up at him, and squeezed his hand.

"Thank you, Kyle. Really. You've been so nice to me, and you hardly even know me. You're the most caring, thoughtful person I know." I ran my thumb over the top of his hand and he looked out the window.

"I wasn't always Kaybree."Kyle looked off, locked in his own thoughts.

"What do you mean?" I asked, feeling his hands loosen.

"Oh, nothing. Come on, we better get going.” Kyle stood up and I saw his shoulders slump. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his lips quiver in the mirror, and his eyes water. He turned to me, smiled, and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Hey, do you want to hang out tonight? I could sleep on your couch or something. Have a slumber party. Paint each other's toenails. That's what girls do right?"

My heart pounded in my chest and smiled like a goofy grin. "Yeah, that's what girls do."

"I’ve been working on a few new songs. Maybe I could show you some?”

I smiled and nodded. "I'd love that." I said, playing with my fingers and crossing my feet, and uncrossing them over and over - nervous, and excited.

He walked me to my car, his arm still around my shoulder. Kyle opened my door and held my hand as I climbed into the truck. Whenever he thought my gaze wasn’t on him, his eyes fell downwards and his shoulders fell. Something was eating him, and it wasn’t just being rejected by that company. I was determined to find out what it was, and help him. He was the nicest person I had ever met, and…well, he understood.

We walked into my aparment and I started popping popcorn and then poured some pepsi into two glasses. Since I had moved in I had bought a small table, a side table and a second hand love seat that I had found at a garage sale. He sank into the love seat and sighed, looking up at me. Kyle patted the seat beside him and I sat beside him, leaning on the arm of the chair. Kyle frowned and looked down at his fingers. “Kaybree? Do you think I’m a bad dad.”

My smile vanished and I drew my eyebrows together. My heart squeezed as his face looked pained. “No Kyle. You’re a wonderful father. I noticed that from when I first met Trixy…” A tear formed in his eye and I set my hand on his arm. This shocked the both of us. I had never intentionaly touched another guy since Drew, but this felt like, well almost like insinct. He jumped slightly, but then relaxed into my hand. “Kyle, what really happened tonight…”

Kyle turned his green eyes to look at me, his face close. His long lashes were moist and his whites slightly red. “Kennedy...she started screaming at me when we got home. She said I was going no where with my life, and I was horrible father who couldn't do anything for his kid, or his girlfriend...” My heart nearly crumbled as tears dripped down his face. “I asked her to marry me, Kaybree. I asked her to marry me... and she screamed until her face was red and broke up with me, and took my baby. I went to take her to bed and she shook her, and made her cry and just...left, Kaybree. She left me.”

I slid my arms around my shoulders and let him lean into me. He set his hands on my hips and snuggled his face into my neck. Warm tears trickled down my collar bone, but I ignored them and rocked him slightly. I was shocked that he was so vulnerable, so weak.

“Kyle...you'll be okay. You can legally get visitation rights. Don't cry Kyle. Kyle?” I tilted his head up, my thumb on his chin.

He looked in my eyes, and looked back down. Wiping his eyes, he stood, facing away from me. “I’m sorry Kaybree. I’m just so… upset. I swear I'll win her back. I love her, I don’t know why, but I do.”

I flinched and watched his back. “That’s never a good thing.” I mumbled, holding my wrist. “Kyle, sit down. I… I want to tell you something, and maybe it’ll help, I don’t know.” Kyle sat down beside me and looked weerily at me. I let my hair fall around my face and I stared at my lap, terrified to relive the moments. But Kyle was hurting, just like I was. Just like I am.

“When I was eighteen I met a boy.” I fingered a stray thread from my sleeve. “He swept me off my feet. I was his princess. Just like in the books. There was love, there was trust… I had everything. I had him.” I looked up at Kyle, suddenly chilling and turning completely calm. “But love wasn’t enough for him Kyle. He wanted a mature girl. A girl who… well, who would have sex with him. And I wasn’t that girl…” Kyle’s eyebrows pulled together, and looked confused. “I didn’t want that. Not yet, anyway. I wasn’t ready. I was scared. He didn’t give a shit, he said. He grabbed me, he raped me, he pulled my hair and bit my face. “

"He did that to you?" His eyebrows shot up and he gritted his teeth. “I’ll kill that bastard, if I ever see him. Kaybree, I-"

I held up my hand to stop him, and continued. “He did it over and over again. He wasn’t acting like Drew anymore. He was a monster. He started drinking, and deserting me in places he dragged me to… He nearly killed me, three times. Three, Kyle. But I stayed with him. Because I loved him. I remembered that warm Drew that I met in the baseball field outside my school, and couldn’t see the psychotic animal in front of me. He wasn’t good for me, but I loved him. And I didn’t know why. Just like you.”

"Kaybree, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t be complaining. You’ve been through worse than I have…” He touched my arm slightly and frowned at me. "Kaybree? Can I ask you a really personal question?"

I pulled away from him and wrapped my arms around myself. "Depends."

"On?"

"The question."

Kyle sighed, and gently pulled one of my arms away from my body. "Is that why you cut Kaybree? Is that it?"

My eyes widened slightly, surprised. How did he know? I didn't show did I? Did I roll up my sleeves? No, I don't think I did. "What are you talking about?" I said, moving farther away.

"Kaybree, I know the signs.” He let me go and pulled down his sleeve and held his arm up for me to see. His entire arm was covered with long fading scars, and parts of his skin was disfigured. “I burned myself with lighter fluid, more than a few times. I hated myself because my parents fought and hit and yelled at me and they hated me, and I did horrible in school, and I was a loser. One day, you know, I did kill myself Kaybree. I died. And you know what I saw? Black. That's it. No white light, no comforting voice. And I just knew it was because I was unreasonably miserable, and I was throwing away something precious. Life." Tears threatened to fall in the corners of his eyes. "The doctors brought me back, and I've been different ever since. Cheer up, because you got one life, and one chance.” He dropped his arm and looked me in the eye. "So tell me why you cut. Tell me why, so I can help you."

My lip quivered and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me onto his lap. I felt his steady heartbeat beat against my ear. "Sh, Kaybree. Tell me whats wrong."

"Drew. But it wasn't because he raped me and all...the last time I saw him, the last time he said anything to me, was one night at his friends house." My eyes glossed over, and I thought back, saying the words robotically as I remembered.

Drew smiled and laughed, holding up a beer to one of his friends. "You're right, she's a keeper." Drew turned and winked at me, making me blush.

Looks like he is in a good mood. Now's the best time, I guess. I thought, walking over to him and letting my hands fall into his hair, playing with the light curls. "Drew, can I talk to you in private?"

Drew's friends raised an eyebrow at him, and he looked at me, looking suspicious. "Okay." I took his hand in mine and pulled him into the bathroom, then shutting the door. "What's up Kaybree?"

I laid my hand on my chest, feeling the excited pump of my heart. "Drew...do you love me?" I asked, resting my hand on his cheek.

Drew smiled at me, his skin pulling tight of the muscles in jaw. "Of course, my love. Why do you ask?" He wound an arm around my waist and pulled me against him. I smiled and leaned into him. This was the first time he'd been normal in months, and I was glad that this was the time he was sane, because what I had to say - well, it was a big deal.

"Drew, I don't know how to say this..." I blushed, and looked up at him to see him frown.

"Are you breaking up with me?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

I pulled away from him and shook my head. "No, I'm not, Drew. I'm, well, I'm...." I drew my eyebrows together and bit my lip. "I'm pregnant."

Drew stepped backwards, his face red. "Is it mine." He whispered, venom spilling into his voice. He looked down at my stomach.

I smiled, and reached for him. "Yes, it's yours. I have this strange feeling it's a girl." I laughed, "Mother's instinct."

Drew moved away from my hand, his face contorted. "Get rid of it. Now."

I froze and stared at him, stunned. "What?"

"Get rid of it. I don't want it." He said, looking into my eyes - angry.

I felt like I would throw up, and I covered my mouth. "No Drew, I can't. I can't do that."

His eyes glassed over and he grabbed my arm. "Fine then."

"Drew dragged me out into the living room, and he threw me on the floor. He said that I cheated on him, and was pregnant. The five of them, and Drew, beat me up. They kicked me, and threw beer bottles at me. They left me there and they went out to the bat." I turned and looked him in the eyes. "I lost my baby, Kyle. I lost my baby girl. Imagine loosing a baby. Especially like that."

Kyle hugged me tight, and rocked me slowly. "Please. Don't hurt yourself again, Kaybree."

Tears ran down my face and I shook my head. “Why? If I don't care, whats the point?”

Kyle frowned at me and his eyes softened. “Because I care Kaybree. Isn't that enough?” He placed a hand on my cheek and my flesh went hot. Kyle came closer, leaning towards me. “You're a good person. You're nice, and sweet, and smart. You're so smart.” He shook his head and smiled. “You've been so nice to me...well not so much at the beginning, but I was determined to crack your shell.”

I smiled and looked up at him, our noses almost touching. "Thank you Kyle. Thank you for listening. You’re the only one who listened. Thank you." I whispered, feeling dizzy as his warm breath blew on my face.

"You're so welcome Kay..." Kyle closed his eyes and leaned forward, his lips softly brushing up against mine.

"Kyle..." I whispered, smiling against his lips.

His lips were soft and warm, and his kiss was slow. He wound his fingers into my hair and I did the same. He smiled as he kissed me, and wrapped his other arm around my waist. "Kyle." I said, being interrupted by small, soft kisses. I ran my hands down his arms, and pulled back slightly, our lips still touching, waiting, and anxious for more. "Kyle." I said, touching our noses together. "Kyle, I think...well, I think I love you Kyle.

Kyle went ridged, and pulled his head back. "No, Kaybree. You don't. Please get up." He said, sounding urgent. I brought my eyebrows together, and stood up, staring at him.

"What do you mean I don't? I do!" I said, touching his arm.

"You just think you do Kaybree." Kyle said, his face red. He turned his back to me, and ran his fingers though his hair. "You have no reason."

Tears sprang to my eyes and I wrapped my arms around myself. "Yeah I do. You're the only person who's tried to get to know me. You're nice to me. I trust you, and you obviously trust me enough to watch your daughter, and to tell me what you did when you were younger. You're gorgeous, and you're a good father, and I'd be good to you, and you'd treat me right..." I said, talking faster and faster. "I would help you raise Trixy-"

Kyle turned and looked at me, becoming annoyed. "Kaybree, I have to think about Trix. She has a mother Kaybree. I don't want to confuse her. I don't... I don't want to confuse myself."

I looked him in the eyes and reached for him. "Kyle..."

"I should go." He sighed, grabbing his guitar and book bag. Kyle walked over to the door and opened it, looking back to me. "Don't forget what I said Kaybree. About not wasting your life..."

"But Kyle, that's what I'm trying to do! I'm not wasting it! I'm living with no regrets! I'm in love...." I said, feeling my determination slipping.

"I don't want you, Kaybree. I want Kennedy..." He said, his eyes haunted.

"She's not good to you Kyle. She left you for no reason..." I said, falling onto the love seat.

"Don't do this to me, Kaybree. I said I'd win her back." His eyes pleaded me to stay quiet, but I was tired of being outspoken.

"When Drew left me my mother told me that nobody is worth your tears and the one that is, won’t make you cry. So I won't cry over you Kyle. Good luck with her...." I turned my head from him, and looked at out through the glass doors of my deck.

Kyle turned and walked out of my apartment, leaving me alone. Alone, again. Alone and depressed, lost and torn. I looked at my wrist and got the urge to slice at it, but I remembered Kyle's face when he saw them. He looked hurt and angry. Even if he made me angry, even if he didn't love me, I'd still listen to his advice. I still wouldn't disappoint him.