Messing With My Head

A big part of me wasn’t willing to let him go that night. An even bigger part of me wasn’t willing to let go of him at all. There’s always that one person that you experience so much with and it’s not easy to get rid of all of that. I spend so much time with Louis, he was there for me through everything… and I think that the reason I haven’t been able to let go is because I never got a proper goodbye out of him. He dropped off the face of the earth after breaking up with me, a break up that hit me like a brick wall – that I hadn’t seen coming whatsoever, it came on my path and I’ve been carrying around the last pieces of that wall for almost two years now.
It’s not right to hold onto the past because it makes you forget about the good things that could be right in front of you. I don’t think I’ve missed out on too many opportunities to move on from Louis, but I’m sure there have been a couple – but I was too blinded by the light that were shining at my pity party to see those opportunities.

Coming to the realization that you’ve been throwing yourself a pity party for almost two years is something that would usually break you down. But I’ve learned that every time I break down, I have to get up again – and it’s exactly those moments that I hate. Getting up after falling down is the hardest thing to do, but if you repeatedly fall down on the same spot – you eventually give up and standing up and continue crawling down your path. I’m definitely afraid that I’ll start crawling away or even just lay down – lay down at Louis’ feet and give into myself and him. It’s time to find a new life for myself, a new love.

“Lou, can I talk to you?” All eyes are averted to me as I walk up to Lou and Harry who are just sitting at the side of the pool. There’s a pair of eyes that I can feel burning particularly deep into my skin, I can make an honest guess that it’s either Danielle or Eleanor and to be honest I wouldn’t blame either one of them. She knew about the kiss, everyone knew that she knew and everyone also knew that she had read it on Twitter and not heard it come from Louis’ mouth. The mood on this vacation had gone downhill quite a bit but the guys didn’t let the drama bother them too much.
He gets up, shooting Eleanor an apologizing look and by his falling facial expression I can tell that she shrugged it off. “That’s what you get for not telling her Lou.” I mumble under my breathe, making him shove me playfully before walking towards the cabins with me.

So…” I mumble, shoving my hands into my swimshorts. A laugh falls from my lips when I realize me and Louis are wearing the same pair. “We’re wearing the same swimshort.” I mumble, he nods laughing as he takes a step closer me to. Slowly closing the distance between us, immediately making my heart flutter.
And just as he puts his hands on my hips all the words I had made up in my mind, the words I swore to finally say out loud… all vanished. His simple touch was enough to make my knees go weak and let my whole body relax for the first time in two days. I let my body rest against his as I wrap my arms around his waist loosely. “You gave me this pair when we were dating… when we were in Turkey, remember?” I can feel him nod against the top of my head before he kisses my head.

“I saw it at a store a while back so I decided to buy it… reminded me of you. What did you wanna talk about, Bails?” He rubs my back carefully before sliding his hands down to my butt.

“Subtle.” I mumble under my breath making him laugh. His chest moves up and down quickly making my head bounce off his chest, I decide to look up and him. Seeing the muscles in his neck tighten as he laughs, his jaw moves forward as the skin tightens around it… I lean into him slowly, eventually pressing my lips against his jawbone. “I… you make me forget about everything, Lou. It’s not fair…” A sigh falls from my lips as I mentally cuss myself out, trying to toughen up and not cry in front of him again. I need to stop being weak around this boy.
I drop my whole body onto the wooden floor and watch as he sits down next to me before pulling me up at my arm. “I was going to say that I’m…” A sigh falls from his lips as he nods, knowing exactly what I’m thinking.

A heave sigh falls from his lips as he runs his fingers through his hair, looking at me with a red glow in his eyes. “You wanna move on… I understand, I’ve been with someone for over ten months now. And I never let you move on, I know your feelings for me and I use them because I… I don’t wanna let go and it’s not right. I understand that you wanna move on, I’m still not ready to move on… but you have every right to go on with your life. Just know that… this kills me and I really don’t want you to.” A soft laugh falls from his lips as he shakes his head while getting up.

So he was just going to drop this bomb on me and leave… why is is that he says deep, meaningful things to me – then thinks it’s right for him to just leave. A growl falls from my lips as I get up, chasing after him. “Who’s the one making the dramatic exit now, Louis? That’s twice! You think it’s okay towards your girlfriend and… heck, even me! To just say shit like that then go away?! No. If you love me so much still, if you don’t want me with someone else – why are you with her?! Can’t you see that I’d choose you over anyone, any day? Can’t you see that all I want is for us to be end up back together… do you not remember when you said that no matter what you were convinced we’d be together again? We’d eventually be back together and spend the rest of our lives together! That were you words and now you’re just gone… going away and gone? Stop messing with my head and just make a decision, either I’m in the past or in the present. But don’t drag me around until you decide the future is now.”