The "I" In Lie
What If
A late night at the bar, my mind was million miles away while my body was here on earth. My body moved in as it should, routinely through the crowd at the bar. I mixed drinks, but I was lost inside my own head.
I hadn't seen Pete in over two weeks and I missed him. The last night we were together played off in my head a lot. I missed him so much, I found myself thinking, yearning and aching for his touch. I longed to kiss him, pull his body to mine. My throat even ached to call his name at the top of my lungs.
He's my air, my God, the only thing in my life that matters. Still, he didn't know and he didn't call. I'm not suppose to call, he is. I wish I had the privilege, I wish I had it all. Really, the only thing I wanted was Pete.
As I served a couple, I felt a hand grab me. The music was loud, my mind came crashing down back to earth. Pete had his hand wrapped tenderly around my wrist; a smile crept onto my face when I saw him smiling back at me.
He let me go, "Can I talk to you in the back." He didn't ask, it was a command.
I nodded, then turned to my co-worker; "I gotta go real quick."
My co-work, Andy, he nodded and kept the bar guest attended to. I went to the back, where the extra bottles of liquor were. Pete was waiting, he smiled still, and lent his hand out to me, "Hey."
"Hey." He replied back.
"I haven't seen you in a while." I didn't want to ponder too much.
He rubbed his neck, "Uh, yeah," He then grabbed both of my hands, "Family stuff."
I gave a nod, "So, it's all good?"
He nodded back, "Yeah... Michelle, she asked me about you."
I blinked, "Oh..."
"She doesn't know." He added, "She told me she told you she's pregnant."
My heart started to beat rapidly. I anticipated him to break up with me. I knew it.
"Yeah." I squeaked.
"I need to be honest with you, Aly," He began, pulling me closer to him, "I like what we do together."
"Me too." I sputtered.
His smile reappeared, "Look, you know how much my wife fuckin' hates for me to touch her, and to be more than honest, I don't care about ever having sex with her again."
I furrowed my brows, "What... What are you trying to say to me."
"That I don't want to end what we have. You were probably completely turned off when she told you that she's pregnant, right?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat, "It's none of my business... I don't care."
The way he kept smiling was breaking my heart. It made me realize that he'd never have true feelings for me. All I am to him is a sexual escape. She had it all but sex. I wish I could be here, but with what Pete and I do added into the equation.
"So, we can keep doing this?"
I stared him in the eye, those eyes I love so much. I couldn't refuse him, even if by some freaky mishap, I wanted to, I wouldn't. He means more than anything to me.
"Yes..." I replied.
The small gap between us closed with Pete pulling me into a kiss. My heart hit around my chest, nearly bringing me into an attack. I can't explain how much I loved and hated him in that moment.
It stuck in my head, how couldn't he see that I loved him. That I am in love with him. I wanted him, more so than his wife. If he were mine I'd do everything in my power to keep him happy. I'd be the best wife I could be.
But, it couldn't be that way.
Pete pulled away from me, "What time do you get off?"
I licked my bottom lip, "11."
He smiled, his hands cupped my jaw, "I'll be over."
I nodded, "Yeah, okay." I smiled at him, it was genuine, no matter how sadden I felt inside.
In my car, I stayed parked in the parking lot behind the bar. I didn't want to leave, for the first time I didn't want to see Pete.
I could only imagine him waiting for me outside my house. I thought about how badly I wanted to cry and not see him. I didn't want to because of everything and the heavy heart I had.
He was using me, I know that. He would only want her and not me. If he had to choose between us, she would win.
That's all that ran through my head. Her, her, her. I don't want to know her name.
Finally, I toughened up and drove home. The tears were harboring in my eyes wanting to fall, but I wouldn't let them because I knew once they started it was gonna be hell for them to stop. Also, I didn't want Pete to see them, I didn't want him to see that I was crying.
What if he thought that I was crying because of what he told me? What if he decided to stop coming to see me? I didn't want that.
I wanted to have Pete in this way than not at all. I had to, it was what I wanted. It was practically what I loved for. I wasn't ready to let him go, to lose him. He was my friend... My lover.
I hadn't seen Pete in over two weeks and I missed him. The last night we were together played off in my head a lot. I missed him so much, I found myself thinking, yearning and aching for his touch. I longed to kiss him, pull his body to mine. My throat even ached to call his name at the top of my lungs.
He's my air, my God, the only thing in my life that matters. Still, he didn't know and he didn't call. I'm not suppose to call, he is. I wish I had the privilege, I wish I had it all. Really, the only thing I wanted was Pete.
As I served a couple, I felt a hand grab me. The music was loud, my mind came crashing down back to earth. Pete had his hand wrapped tenderly around my wrist; a smile crept onto my face when I saw him smiling back at me.
He let me go, "Can I talk to you in the back." He didn't ask, it was a command.
I nodded, then turned to my co-worker; "I gotta go real quick."
My co-work, Andy, he nodded and kept the bar guest attended to. I went to the back, where the extra bottles of liquor were. Pete was waiting, he smiled still, and lent his hand out to me, "Hey."
"Hey." He replied back.
"I haven't seen you in a while." I didn't want to ponder too much.
He rubbed his neck, "Uh, yeah," He then grabbed both of my hands, "Family stuff."
I gave a nod, "So, it's all good?"
He nodded back, "Yeah... Michelle, she asked me about you."
I blinked, "Oh..."
"She doesn't know." He added, "She told me she told you she's pregnant."
My heart started to beat rapidly. I anticipated him to break up with me. I knew it.
"Yeah." I squeaked.
"I need to be honest with you, Aly," He began, pulling me closer to him, "I like what we do together."
"Me too." I sputtered.
His smile reappeared, "Look, you know how much my wife fuckin' hates for me to touch her, and to be more than honest, I don't care about ever having sex with her again."
I furrowed my brows, "What... What are you trying to say to me."
"That I don't want to end what we have. You were probably completely turned off when she told you that she's pregnant, right?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat, "It's none of my business... I don't care."
The way he kept smiling was breaking my heart. It made me realize that he'd never have true feelings for me. All I am to him is a sexual escape. She had it all but sex. I wish I could be here, but with what Pete and I do added into the equation.
"So, we can keep doing this?"
I stared him in the eye, those eyes I love so much. I couldn't refuse him, even if by some freaky mishap, I wanted to, I wouldn't. He means more than anything to me.
"Yes..." I replied.
The small gap between us closed with Pete pulling me into a kiss. My heart hit around my chest, nearly bringing me into an attack. I can't explain how much I loved and hated him in that moment.
It stuck in my head, how couldn't he see that I loved him. That I am in love with him. I wanted him, more so than his wife. If he were mine I'd do everything in my power to keep him happy. I'd be the best wife I could be.
But, it couldn't be that way.
Pete pulled away from me, "What time do you get off?"
I licked my bottom lip, "11."
He smiled, his hands cupped my jaw, "I'll be over."
I nodded, "Yeah, okay." I smiled at him, it was genuine, no matter how sadden I felt inside.
•••
In my car, I stayed parked in the parking lot behind the bar. I didn't want to leave, for the first time I didn't want to see Pete.
I could only imagine him waiting for me outside my house. I thought about how badly I wanted to cry and not see him. I didn't want to because of everything and the heavy heart I had.
He was using me, I know that. He would only want her and not me. If he had to choose between us, she would win.
That's all that ran through my head. Her, her, her. I don't want to know her name.
Finally, I toughened up and drove home. The tears were harboring in my eyes wanting to fall, but I wouldn't let them because I knew once they started it was gonna be hell for them to stop. Also, I didn't want Pete to see them, I didn't want him to see that I was crying.
What if he thought that I was crying because of what he told me? What if he decided to stop coming to see me? I didn't want that.
I wanted to have Pete in this way than not at all. I had to, it was what I wanted. It was practically what I loved for. I wasn't ready to let him go, to lose him. He was my friend... My lover.