Status: Complete
Alive Till Kingdom Come.
Truth.
I woke up at 5 in the morning with a cold sweat and chills. Today was the day. The day I would enter the arena. Queasiness shot threw me. It took everything I had not to throw up last night’s dinner. How many will I kill? Will I die? Will it be painful? If Orion is the one who is taking my life it probably will be. I made several promises that I wouldn’t die but what if? I made a couple of enemies who defiantly want me dead. What about Ruby? How will this alliance work? And Rosemary? Although I’ve been kind to her I still don’t know what will happen when we get in the arena. What about Willow, Talon and Dad? If I die, they’ll be watching the whole thing. My head pounded with questions. I lay in bed, practically, in a pool of my own sweat for hours until my door opened and a beam of light flies threw the room. Pressure sets on the end of my bed. I look up to see the last person I want to see right now. My mother. I haven’t spoken to her sense I yelled at her two days ago. Right now, she looks awful. Her eyes are darting around the room, she looks smaller and weaker then usual. Has she been eating? She looks like she hasn’t gotten any sleep ether. Her hands tightly weaved in her lap. I could tell she was trying not to cry.
“Remember to play up the charm, be as loveable as you can.” I don’t say anything.
“You’re handsome so, keep you’re face clean and smile even when it gets hard, I’ve talked to Chaff you have plenty of sponsors lined up so…” I still don’t reply, petty I know.
“The Capitol loves a good underdog, so if you can play that up to…and the other kids they’ll be trying to kill you so, don’t feel guilty if you have to…”
“Mom.” She looks up from her lap and into my eyes.
“Why did dad say this was his fault?”
If I’m going to die I might as well have a few things cleared up. She has genuine fear in her eyes and starts to shake a little. I grab both of her hands in one of mine.
“Please, tell me what he did.” She looked at my hand wrapped around hers.
“It wasn’t what your father did…it’s something I did.” I wanted to ask what she meant but if I interrupt her she might stop. So, I let her continue.
“When I was 18 I won my games and as a thank you president snow thought I should thank my sponsors more personally…”
“You mean he tried to-“
“Sell me? Yes, he did and I agreed because he threatened to hurt those I love. I met your father while he was running for mayor and he was such a nice man, and before I knew it, I didn’t seem to care about anything anymore. With him by my side even president Snow didn’t scare me. We got married and I found out I was pregnant and well, everything was just so perfect…but, after awhile I felt so guilty and awful about what I was forced to do and I tried to stop…” she began to silently cry but I stayed quite.
“Snow heard I was pregnant and bluntly told me that my first born would be in the games. I thought it would be ok. I would train you, but, when you where born…you where so beautiful. You where so, innocent and had you’re fathers eyes and as you grew up you became more and more like him and I-I just- I couldn’t put you though this. I tried to stay distant because I was so worried about losing you, I was so selfish…every year I was so worried about you getting picked and then you did, and I-Abram, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” It all makes sense now. Why she was so distant and cold. She blamed herself for my possible death and didn’t want to get to close in case this happened. I don’t think I can forgive her, not yet at least but I don’t think I can blame her anymore.
“If I win, that means I’ll have to sell-“
“Yes, you will.” I see the tears streaming down her face like two small rivers.
“I promised to many people I would win to give up now.”
My mother leans closer, detaches her hands from mine, kisses my forehead and begins to stroke my hair like when I was younger and she thought I was asleep.
“I mean it when I say I’m proud of you. You’re a better person then I will ever be.”
The rest of the morning went by quickly. I fell in and out of sleep while my mother stroked my hair. I know I won’t forgive her anytime soon but it’s nice to know why she acted the way she did. I can feel the anger slowly leave my body. Feeling warmth and love from her is what I needed today. We all ate breakfast in relative silence. Rosemary was just playing with her food.
“You’re going to want to eat something.” I say while looking down at my own plate to see I haven’t ate too much ether.
“Remember to play up the charm, be as loveable as you can.” I don’t say anything.
“You’re handsome so, keep you’re face clean and smile even when it gets hard, I’ve talked to Chaff you have plenty of sponsors lined up so…” I still don’t reply, petty I know.
“The Capitol loves a good underdog, so if you can play that up to…and the other kids they’ll be trying to kill you so, don’t feel guilty if you have to…”
“Mom.” She looks up from her lap and into my eyes.
“Why did dad say this was his fault?”
If I’m going to die I might as well have a few things cleared up. She has genuine fear in her eyes and starts to shake a little. I grab both of her hands in one of mine.
“Please, tell me what he did.” She looked at my hand wrapped around hers.
“It wasn’t what your father did…it’s something I did.” I wanted to ask what she meant but if I interrupt her she might stop. So, I let her continue.
“When I was 18 I won my games and as a thank you president snow thought I should thank my sponsors more personally…”
“You mean he tried to-“
“Sell me? Yes, he did and I agreed because he threatened to hurt those I love. I met your father while he was running for mayor and he was such a nice man, and before I knew it, I didn’t seem to care about anything anymore. With him by my side even president Snow didn’t scare me. We got married and I found out I was pregnant and well, everything was just so perfect…but, after awhile I felt so guilty and awful about what I was forced to do and I tried to stop…” she began to silently cry but I stayed quite.
“Snow heard I was pregnant and bluntly told me that my first born would be in the games. I thought it would be ok. I would train you, but, when you where born…you where so beautiful. You where so, innocent and had you’re fathers eyes and as you grew up you became more and more like him and I-I just- I couldn’t put you though this. I tried to stay distant because I was so worried about losing you, I was so selfish…every year I was so worried about you getting picked and then you did, and I-Abram, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” It all makes sense now. Why she was so distant and cold. She blamed herself for my possible death and didn’t want to get to close in case this happened. I don’t think I can forgive her, not yet at least but I don’t think I can blame her anymore.
“If I win, that means I’ll have to sell-“
“Yes, you will.” I see the tears streaming down her face like two small rivers.
“I promised to many people I would win to give up now.”
My mother leans closer, detaches her hands from mine, kisses my forehead and begins to stroke my hair like when I was younger and she thought I was asleep.
“I mean it when I say I’m proud of you. You’re a better person then I will ever be.”
The rest of the morning went by quickly. I fell in and out of sleep while my mother stroked my hair. I know I won’t forgive her anytime soon but it’s nice to know why she acted the way she did. I can feel the anger slowly leave my body. Feeling warmth and love from her is what I needed today. We all ate breakfast in relative silence. Rosemary was just playing with her food.
“You’re going to want to eat something.” I say while looking down at my own plate to see I haven’t ate too much ether.
♠ ♠ ♠
xo, Jessie