Mozart, Metallica, and Me...Wynnie

"Wynn…Dad's…Dad's…Dad passed away…" My brother choked out.

I could tell, at the time, he was trying to be strong for me and my mom. But there was no one there to be strong for him.

It was six in the morning, I was supposed to wake up in half of an hour to visit him.

I didn't get to say good-bye.

He was supposed to be okay, after the first night he was supposed to be in the clear. He was only there for insurance purposes, we were going to take him home the day after…

I didn't have words to describe how I felt in that moment. No one should ever have to lose a loved one. I mean, I knew one day it would happen…but I didn't think so soon…

CC just held me as I cried, rocking me steadily back and forth. He was breathing unevenly as if he were crying too, but I didn't want to look up and see his face.

"Wynnie…M-mom wants us to help her plan the funeral. S-she can't do it on her own…"

That had been almost a week ago.

I haven't spoken since…I don't know what to say. I just kind of…nod and point to things.

I'm supposed to speak today, though.

In front of what seems to be a never-ending sea of people.

Usually, funerals are planned and take place in a matter of three days, at least that's what I remember from what little experience I have with them…

But, it takes a lot longer when your mother insists on shipping him back to be on the family plot where we were born. You need so much paperwork to move a corpse, you know? Sammi had been in Canada at the time and she quickly booked a flight to our birth state to meet us.

"Wynnie," CC pleaded with me. "Please, speak. We all want to hear your voice."

I opened my mouth, but nothing would come out.

He sighed in defeat.

"At least you tried." He squeezed my hand. I adjusted my skirt with the other before looking up at him. "Wynxx," He breathed softly and I looked up into his eyes. "I love you." He offered. I felt tears rise to my eyes and I nodded. He wrapped his arms around me and held me again as I cried. It seemed to be all I was doing these days.

The guys, meaning the band and my brother's other friends, were highly supportive of us…which was nice to have I guess. They all drove, non-stop, to get here and bring us our cars so we didn't have to spend more money and rent or pay a taxi.

This way, we could all carpool spread out between about five cars. My brother was letting Andy take his. It's apparently not difficult to share a car when you're touring a lot, because they need to drive around every once in a while to keep running well.

That's what he told us, at least, probably to try and lighten the mood as we all got in the car.

I love my brother, with all my heart, but I hate him for constantly trying to pick mom and I up. He's just as sad as us, why can't he just admit it?

I stood apart from the others at the final viewing. I know the whole family noticed, as well as my dad's friends. They were all looking at me with pity and just allowed me to continue excluding myself.

I wish they'd stop staring.

CC had given up on trying to make me see my father over the course of the past two nights he was on viewing. But, today I tugged on his jacket sleeve like a little kid and looked at him through my blurred, tear-filled vision and he understood. He took one of my hands in his, and wrapped the other around my waist.

It's funny, in a sick, twisted way, how my father looked like he was sleeping. If he had a little more colour, a little more breathe, he could be sleeping, ready to wake.

"D-d-d-d-daddy," I whimpered pitifully. I, again, was reminded of how childish I always act and how much I feel the world looks down on me for my child-like behaviour when it seemed almost everyone in the room had heard my whisper. "I w-w-w-wish you'd wake up-p-p." I'm like a lost little girl, confused in this world that doesn't quite make sense to her.

If Sammi could hear my thoughts she'd be comparing this to Alice in Wonderland somehow, I swear.

That thought cheered me up a little bit, because my dad had read me Lewis Carroll growing up.

"D-d-daddy…I miss you…" I kissed his cheek, and the tears were falling again. CC pressed a kiss to my temple when I stood up, and began stroking my hair softly as I cried into his chest again.

I saw the significantly blurred figure of my brother out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to be looking at CC rather than me and in some unspoken language, they communicated what they wanted. CC slowly released me and my brother took his place.

"Baby girl," He cooed, gently rocking me back and forth as he held me.

"Jer, I want him back." I cried.

"I do, too, Wynnie." He assured me softly, and I felt a tear fall on my shoulder. I looked up to see my brother crying . Now that I could see him up close, he looked horrible. He looked tired and stressed and upset, of course. He'd had to deal with my mother and I this past week, I suppose he never got the chance to really cry. "I do, too."

We were making a scene in the middle of the final viewing, and I recognized that fact. But, we were two kids who just lost their father.

"We need to move this to the Church, Wynnie." He whispered after a few minutes of us just crying. I stepped back to look at him. His eyes were red and puffy, I'm sure they matched mine. I nodded.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead before I felt arms wrap around my middle from behind and I felt CC kiss my tearstained cheek. Sammi took my brother's hand and my mother stepped in between us to hug us all together.

"My kids." She murmured.

***

I couldn't keep my focus during the ceremony. So many words about what dying meant. I couldn't take it. I was fidgety. My brother was sitting between my mom and I and CC and Sammi were directly behind us, with the others. My brother kept trying to quiet my nervous hands, but he wasn't doing a good job.

My brother and I took after our dad, we were people, for the most part, of little words. I mean, he clearly spoke more than I did, and especially so when he was excited or interested in the topic, but we weren't made for giving speeches.

So when he got up there and delivered some amazing paragraph or two about our father, I was instantly scared for mine.

Which…I'd failed to prepare.

So, when my name was called as "Bronwyn Abigail Ferguson" I glanced to my only sibling as he returned to my mother and I.

This feels like something out of The King's Speech. Someone stop me from making a fool of myself.

"Wynnie, go." My moth encouraged.

I bit my lip and took a shaky step out of my seat.

"Jer," I breathed when we passed each other. "I can't."

He turned his head and looked at me with understanding.

"Just say your favorite memory of him."

"I--" He sat down. Over-protective big brother mode had finally shut down after a week.

Now was not the time for it to shut down!

I stepped up to the podium and looked at all the people.

I can't do this. I can't speak in front of them. Even, knowing the fact the most of them are family didn't help.

"I-I-I-I…" I took a shaky breath.

Memories…memories…

My eyes caught sight of the organ beside me. I stepped off the podium and I heard murmurs from the people, making my butterflies grow worse.

I looked at the woman behind the great thing and she seemed to understand well enough that I needed her to move.

I sat down.

Okay, so, I'd never played this particular song on an organ before, but if it's in a beginner piano book, I'm sure I can manage on organ.

And I began to play Kookaburra.

It's probably the least appropriate song to play at a funeral.

The woman had a microphone at her station, and I wasn't going to sing, but I did decide to speak.

"M-my d-d-d-dad p-p-paid for any les-s-son I want-t-ted." I bit my lip and clenched m eyes shut at the sound of my shaking voice. "This w-was the f-first song I ever got t-to play for him…" I tried to take deep breaths without sounding like I was hyperventilating. "H-he and J-Jeremy d-d-d-danced around sing-g-ging when I f-f-finally got it r-right."

"Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree." My mother's voice reached my ears and I looked up. "I think we should all sing, Hal loved this song, he'd sing it to the kids when we saw one at the zoo. He complained there was no better rhyme."

I smiled a little at the memory, biting my lip and watching my mother.

"Play it again, Bronwyn." She encouraged. I nodded and began again.

"Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree, merry merry king of the bush is he. Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh, Kookaburra, gay your life must be." Reached my ears. What is this? A musical? Will everyone break out into choreographed dance, too?

I could see my family smiling through tears as they went through the second verse. The fact Jer's band was singing as well as Sammi made me smile to myself. Everyone had gotten involved, and I hardly had to say a word.

Finally, we'd finished.

"I-I'll m-miss you." I whispered as I passed the coffin and returned to my seat.

My brother gave me a reassuring smile and we all sat through the last moments of the funeral before we had to leave to the cemetery.

The cemetery was the easy part. We just put flowers on his coffin and cried some more.

And, at last, I'd gotten to take a break. The restaurant was about half an hour away so I had time to collect myself.

Five of us piled back into CC's car. It was my mother and CC in the front, CC driving. Then my brother, Sammi, and I sat in the back, this is how it had been all day.

Jinxx and CC were talking about something simple, just to make conversation, I guess.

"Sammi, you dropped something." I said softly, pointing to a purple back near her own purse.

"That's not mine." She frowned, looking at my brother, who was still in conversation.

"Mom, did you drop something back here?" I asked. She shook her head tiredly. "Well, you should rest, you look exhausted." I told her kindly.

She gave me a small smile and nodded.

"What is it?" Sammi asked and I reached down to pick it up. Curiosity killed the cat, I suppose, but I reached my hand slowly into the bag and brought out a small, velvet box. I blinked my eyes at her and her face paled.

"Maybe you shouldn't--" I didn't hear the rest of what she said because I opened the box and gasped.

"CC?" I said, a little louder than intended. He pulled up to the red light as I said it and turned around. I saw my brother's face out of the corner of my eye looking suddenly nervous.

"Yeah, Wynn?" He said, a little softly, most likely because my mom was now finally sleeping.

"W-what's this?"

He looked at what was in my hand and back up at my eyes, his face suddenly pale. "Well…that'd be me not meaning to propose to you right before a lunch at your father's funeral…where'd you even find that, Wynn?" He asked.

"It was under the seat…kinda peeking out next to Sammi's purse…" I grew nervous.

"Damn it, I thought it was in my suitcase…" He sighed, driving forward again when the light turned green.

We continued to drive in silence.

"Well, do you want it?" He questioned.

"Uh--"

"Well, that's romantic." Sammi commented, "You just found your ring. Do you want it? Not even a 'will you marry me' or a 'I love you so much, Wynnie' there was literally no emotion in that statement!"

"Sammi…" My brother sighed.

"It's beautiful…" I trailed off, unsure of what to do.

"Then keep it."

"I feel like I'm watching a really bad sitcom." My brother commented off-handedly.

"I'm not going to propose to her when I'm not even looking at her."

"C…" I bit my lip.

I felt like crying the rest of the way. On top of my dad's death, I'd just found out CC had meant to propose to me but I'd found out too soon and now everything is just wrong.

We finally got out of the car, and Jinxx woke my mother up gently, informing her of our arrival and walking her inside. Sammi gave me a sympathetic look, shot a glare at CC, and followed them.

"Come here, Wynn." He sighed. He took my hands as I got out of the car and pulled me to him. "I really do love you." He promised, kissing my nose.

"I-I-I'm s-sorry." I stammered.

He chuckled and shook his head.

"Don't be." He soothed, pressing a soft kiss to my lips. "I'd personally love it if you wore that ring." I bit my lip and looked up at him. "It means you're 99.9% mine." His hands slid down to my hips and he leaned his forehead against mine. "And I like that idea."

I melted into his kiss, like I always do. Every time we kiss, it's like I'm falling in love with him all over again and I love him for it.

"So," We broke apart, "Wear it? And marry me? I'll propose again when it's more romantic, think of this as a rough draft, but you get to keep the ring?" He offered hopefully.

And, for the first time in a week, I had to giggle through the tears that were now pouring down my face. I nodded.

"Well, that solves that, doesn't it." He gave me another quick peck on the lips. "Now, come on we need to get inside."

I nodded and took the hand he offered out.

"Wait, you just said you'd wear the ring…where is it?" He frowned and I rolled my eyes, reaching under the backseat of the car where I'd hidden the box and taking it out. "Oh good, here." He took it out and placed it easily on my finger.

I smiled up at him.

"Good, it fits." He breathed before pausing. "Why does your brother know your ring size."

And I had to laugh again.

The past week had been a roller-coaster of emotions and I think I was finally losing my mind.

Mostly because, when I got inside, I was instantly sad again. My dad's death still surpassed anything I was feeling in my life.

"Oh my God, she's wearing it." I could hear Sammi's whisper anywhere. CC's grip on my hand tightened and I could feel his nervousness. I couldn't do much about it.

I kissed him on the cheek and squeezed his hand like he did for me when I was nervous. But, right now, I really needed Sammi.

I know, realistically, as friends, we're not that close. She's got friends she'll hang out with all of the time when she's home, but she's all I have, for the most part. Well, her and now Lindsey, who I've hung out with a few times.

But, she sort of knows what I'm feeling right now, though I'm pretty sure her engagement wasn't thrown on top of the death of a family member, but oh well.

"I love you." I whispered softly. He smiled at me before nodding to Sammi.

"Go on." He let go of my hand. I stood there a moment, feeling bad, before taking off to join her.

The other guests hadn't arrived yet, we gave them half an hour longer than ourselves. The restaurant was pretty much empty.

"So, you're engaged?" She asked quietly, as we headed for the bathroom. I was thankful my mom was talking to the waiters so all of this could go by unnoticed.

"He wants to ask me again, later, and more officially." I shrugged.

"You don't seem too happy," She said cautiously. I bit my lip to keep it from trembling as tears made their way back into my eyes.

"Who's going to walk me down the aisle, Sammi?" I whimpered. "He should have been here."

"Oh, Wynn." She hugged me.

***

And, that lead to me barely making it through lunch without crying. Not to mention, Jinxx managed to forget that both his wife and I are vegetarian when he planned the menu so my mother stood on her chair, bless her soul, and asked if anyone else in the room didn't eat meat. When no one raised their hands, she sat back down, kindly asked the startled waiter for three veggie wraps, so that she might "eat the same thing as my daughters."

I love Mom.

The rest of my brothers friends, at the next table, looked scared out of their wits. It was kind of a mood-lightener.

"I'm sorry." My brother apologized for the millionth time and Sammi and I shook it off.

"It's been a bad week." Sammi kissed his cheek. "It didn't bother me, I don't eat much anyways, and there was salad."

I nodded.

We all headed back to the hotel. CC and I would be starting the long drive back tomorrow. Sammi and my brother would stay behind for a little while. Sammi would leave first, when the tour she was on drove through, and my brother would fly home two days later.

So, everything was planned and set. Most of my brothers friends from CA would be flying.

Okay, no, that's a lie.

Two friends flew here, the band drove up with our cars, so the band was driving back down.

It's a good two or three day drive.

"Get some sleep, love," CC draped his arm over my hip while I was turned on my side, looking at yet another photo-album.

"C, why did he have to go?" I asked. I know it's childish, but he was my dad.

"I don't know." He answered truthfully. "He was a great man."

"He was." I agreed, closing the book and rolling onto my other side so I could see his face.

"He gave me permission, you know." CC said quietly. I cocked my head to the side. "To marry you." He elaborated, "I went old-fashioned on him and asked if I could marry you. Well, actually, no. He asked me if I was planning on marrying you. I was scared, because I thought I'd ask him, I didn't expect him to ask me. But, it went well."

I chuckled a little.

"Only you."

"But you will, right?" He asked, "You weren't just saying you would to make me happy, right? You'll be happy?" I felt him toying with the ring on my finger as he asked.

"Being happy all the time is a real bore." I said before smiling. "I'll marry you to make myself happy because I'm selfish."

He kissed me, rolling delicately so he was hovering over me. It was getting heated before he jumped.

"The bed shocked me!" He screeched suddenly. I blinked in surprise before throwing a giggle fit at his facial expression. "Fine, fine!" He moved himself back to his side of the bed, hands raised in defeat. "I won't have sex with your daughter."

I gave him a small smile and cuddled up to him.

"Thank you." I told him seriously. He looked confused. "For making this so much easier on me."

"Wyn, please don't cry again." He kissed a tear as it made its way down my face.

"I love you." I kissed him gently.

"I love you, too." He whispered. "Now, come on, we need to be out of here early tomorrow. Willy and Juvie probably want us back, they must be sick of the neighbors."

That night was another night of little sleep, waking up crying from bad dreams. My mind couldn't wrap itself around the stress of the past week.

But, I was still going to live my life.

Who am I kidding, my life isn't really living to most people anyways.

Daddy, why'd you have to go?