Troubled Youth

They were on the couch in Jared’s bedroom. He was lying on top of Ella staring down at her with an innocent smile on his lips, the kind of smile that made him look like he was in college again. Her hands were resting on his ribs tracing small circles as she looked back up at him. Occasionally he would push his nose against hers or let their lips touch but it wasn’t a kiss. She liked being able to feel his breath roll across her skin. Something about his weight pressing her into the couch and the few places their skin made contact was just right.
He was supposed to be leaving for New York the next day and wanted her to come with him. He promised they’d see Terry and spend time together there before he left for Europe. He’d be gone the rest of February and all of March. He didn’t want to be without her that long but she refused to go with him. She knew it wasn’t the best idea to.
As a compromise he was trying to get her to spend a few days in New York with him. He just wanted a couple extra seconds with her. He was pretty sure she would go but was just playing with him saying she wasn’t sure. How could she not want to spend the few days with him before he was gone two months?
He dipped his head and kissed her ear before pushing his cheek against hers, his stubble scratching against her soft skin in a delightful way. Her arms wrapped around his back and hugged him tight. She sighed contentedly and he kissed her again. It was too soon for him to ask if they could be together again, she was still kind of dealing with her divorce. Even though legally she wasn’t married anymore there were still things she and Adrian were working out. For one the house they had lived in still hadn’t sold and because of that she still was in contact with him trying to figure out a way to sell it quicker.
That was part of the reason why Jared thought she should come with him to Europe. She needed a break from her life and what better way to do that than go to another continent, see live music every night, be with friends, and be next to him. He wasn’t asking her for anything other than giving herself a break.
“Hey.” He smiled down at her pulling his head back so he could bump her nose with his again.
“Hi.” She kissed the tip of his nose.
He closed his eyes, exhaled, and smiled.
“That’s a cute face you’re making.” She let her hands trail down his sides and back up.
“Thanks.” He kissed her cheek.
“I’m going to miss it.” One of her hands caressed his cheek.
“You can come with me.” He opened his eyes to look down at her.
“Not this time.”
“Why?” He dipped his head to rub his stubble against her cheek.
Ella giggled and turned her head away. He came back to rub the beginnings of his beard against her neck only gaining more giggles and a half hearted attempt to squirm out from under him. He opened his mouth and playfully bit her neck making her squeal and then kissed it. When he backed off one of her hands rose to his cheeks to rub the stubble.
“I like you with a beard.”
“I’ll keep it then.” He kissed her on the lips this time.
“Good.” She smiled when he pulled back and ran her hand through his hair. “I love this too.”
“I thought you liked my blond hair.” He leaned down to kiss her cheek, his left thumb rubbing back and forth on her ribs.
“I did, but short brown hair is nice too. It’s the right length for me to pull on.” She demonstrated by giving him a tug. “And it doesn’t get in the way.”
“Mmm.” He hummed quietly. “That felt nice.”
She tugged again.
“Don’t go teasing me.”
“Sorry.” She bit her bottom lip.
He pushed his cheek against hers again. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Don’t start missing me yet. We’ve got a few days.”
Jared’s face broke into a smile. “You’re coming to New York?”
“I bought my ticket a few weeks ago.” She smiled back. “I was just playing with you.”
“You’re a bad girl.” He growled quietly in her ear.
“You like it.”
He caught her ear lobe in his teeth and tugged on it. She sighed. He did it again but this time moved his left hand from her side to her chest. Her hand pulled his hair while the other slid under his shirt. He took that as an invitation to start pulling her shirt off. She pulled her knees up and readjusted her hips.
“Oh, sorry. I’ll come back.” Shannon’s voice was heard from the doorway.
Jared pulled back from Ella and turned his head to look at his older brother. “What?”
“Nothing. You’re busy.”
“Shannon tell me now and get it over with.”
“Well, Emma was looking for you and I said I’d go get you. I don’t really know what she wanted though.”
Jared sighed and looked back down at Ella. She nodded her head at the door so Jared kissed her cheek and got up from the couch. Ella rolled to face the back of the couch and heard the door shut behind Jared. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath wondering why it was so easy for her to get caught up with Jared. She didn’t want to be doing this, she knew she wasn’t ready.

New York was cold and windy. There was a thin layer of snow in Central Park but that was it. Most of the Christmas decorations were gone though some lights still remained tacked to the homes and businesses. Instead, red and pink hearts had taken over shop windows and street displays reminding everyone Valentine’s Day was upon them.
Ideally Jared would have liked to spend the day with just Ella but that turned out impossible. He was with her the whole day but there were other people around. That wasn’t a bad thing because he loved being social but there were times when he just wanted to grab her and hold her close without reason. With others around the most he could get away with was putting his arm around her or maybe holding her hand if she let him.
It happened to be NYC Fashion Week while they were there so things were even a little more difficult to be alone with Ella. There were people with cameras and people who wanted to talk to Jared and Terry so Ella kind of hung in the background with Emma and watched. A few times when they were in crowded spaces Jared’s hand would find Ella’s just so he could keep her close but if it thinned out she let go. He tried to keep the disappointment from his face but Ella could always see it in his eyes. This made her feel bad about letting his hand go but now wasn’t the time she wanted more pictures of them ‘together.’
There were already pictures of them holding hands and kissing out on the internet from 2004. More than a few times Jared had been less than camera shy and pulled Ella close to kiss her on the street not caring that there were people with cameras following them. Now he was a little more cautious though it made him a bit sad to be. They weren’t together and he didn’t want people assuming things in case it ruined his chances.
He’d been wearing a dark blue velvet jacket on Valentine’s Day while they were at a couple fashion shows. Ella would hang onto his arm and rub her thumb against the fabric because it was soft. He was glad for his choice of wardrobe. The trapper hat he was wearing also proved to be something Ella played with. Whenever they found themselves in a room of just their friends she played with the ear flaps while he made ridiculous faces back at her. A few times he snuck kisses in when he thought no one was looking but Terry caught more than a few being he was the only one who knew their tendencies well enough and carried a camera at all times.
Valentine’s dinner consisted of a twenty person table at Candle 79, a vegan restaurant on 79th street. Jared sat with Terry on one side and Ella on the other. Everyone was sharing their food so it wasn’t strange when Jared offered Ella some from his own fork. There were a few jokes about Jared being a germaphobe and letting Ella use his fork but it was all in the name of fun.
If Jared had any plans of returning to the hotel early that night to have some quiet time with Ella Terry ruined it. There was one more late night fashion show they had to go to and then after they walked around the city in a smaller pack than at dinner but still sizable. Since it was dark and they were only with friends Jared was able to hold Ella’s hand most of the time without her pulling away.
They didn’t get back to their hotel until two in the morning. Jared fell face first onto the bed and closed his eyes. Ella went into the bathroom and Jared picked up his head when he heard the shower turn on. He pushed up from the bed and walked into the bathroom where she was filling the large tub. He leaned against a wall and watched her until she noticed him.
“I wanna sit in the tub for a while.”
“Room for two?” He asked as she walked up to him.
“Maybe,” she smiled pulling his hat off, “if you lose the jacket.”
“I thought you liked it. It’s soft.” He said holding out an arm and rubbing the sleeve with his other hand.
“It is, but I like your skin better.” She stood on her toes and kissed him.
Jared smiled into the kiss putting his hands on her hips and pulling her close. He’d been wanting that for what seemed like an eternity during the day. Her tongue slipped past his lips and he accepted it rubbing his own against hers. He let her lead the kiss, something not in the norm for him. He wanted her to have all the control over the situation.
“You know, it’s not Valentine’s Day anymore.” Jared said quietly when she pulled back.
“So?”
“You don’t have to be affectionate now.” His tone serious.
“Is that what you think I’m doing?” She smirked.
“Yes.” He was still being serious.
She smiled and kissed him quickly once more before stepping away to shut off the tub. It had filled enough and the water was warm. She tugged her shirt off. Jared left the bathroom to hang his jacket up and then came back missing his shirt. He slipped out of his jeans and briefs with one pull. Already Ella was getting into the tub so he watched her with a smile playing at his lips and then followed after sitting slowly because the water level was close to spilling over.
Ella opened up the drain for a moment to let some water out and then closed it back up again. The tub was big enough to have easily fit two more people so Ella leaned up against the tub wall next to Jared. He would have preferred her to rest her back against his stomach but he figured he’d get her there later. For the time being Ella had reached over and tickled Jared’s side when he wasn’t looking. They played for a while tickling and flicking water onto one another. Ella tried to keep quiet because she was sure other people could hear them in the bath but it proved to be too hard and she forgot about it.
Eventually Jared called a truce and Ella got close enough to hug him but hesitated to see if he really had called a truce or was planning something else. He only wrapped a hand around her wrist and pulled her closer. She settled with her back against his stomach and rested her head on his shoulder. She kissed the underside of his chin and he kissed the top of her head.
“This is pretty much all I wanted to do all day.” He sighed kissing her again.
“Same.” She smiled as his arms looped around her waist and crossed over holding her tight to him.
“How come we don’t do this more often?”
Ella shrugged. “How come we didn’t do it that much in the past?”
“Can we make this a thing?” He kissed her ear. “Like a Sunday night thing or something?”
“Yeah but you’ve got two months of Sundays that we’ll be on different continents.”
“Then when I come home for a couple days we’ll have to make up for it every night.”
“Sounds good.” She slid a little lower to get more comfortable.
Jared rested his head on top of hers and closed his eyes listening to her breathe. He was trying to relax as much as he could, something he didn’t do very often. Ella thought he had fallen asleep because he was so still. Lately he would fidget and play with things if he were awake. She said his name quietly and he made a small noise to let her know he was listening.
“I thought you’d fallen asleep.”
“No. Just resting.” HIs voice was low and raspy, she could feel it vibrating in his chest.
“It’s nice, resting. Isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Especially with you.” He kissed the top of her head. “Let’s run away and take a long rest.”
“Okay.” She turned her head and kissed his neck.
He moved his head and connected their lips. She started to move and turn over for a better angle but he stopped her. She didn’t understand why until his right hand slid from her stomach to her hips. His fingertips hesitated before going any lower. He was giving her a chance to say something. She made no move to stop him and his hand slipped between her legs. She flinched when his fingers rubbed against her but then relaxed into the slow rhythm he built.
He kissed her neck and shoulder as he rubbed in slow circles, he knees drifted a little further apart. He pressed a little firmer as he rubbed and she made a quiet moan as her head fell back on his shoulder. He caught her earlobe with his teeth and pulled as his other hand slid down her stomach. Her hands moved to hold onto the backs of his thighs when he slipped two fingers into her. She turned her face into his neck and bit down. He smiled.
Slowly and carefully he brought her to her climax. His hands worked unwavering and his lips teased her throat and ear. She was putty in his hands. He gave her a few moments to get her breathing under control before his right hand slipped between her thighs again. His left went to her chest to massage. She begged for him to let her roll over and sit on his hips so she could take him but he wouldn’t let her. Her bought her over the edge again and then told her to get out of the tub.
The water was cold now and he wanted to get warm. She listened and dried off with a towel while he did the same. He was done before she was and opened up the drain in the tub. Then he turned and hugged her from behind kissing her shoulder. She could feel him hard against her backside.
Ella turned around to face him, her hand slipping to find a grip. He let her hand massage him for a while before he stopped her grabbing her wrist and then leading her into the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed and motioned for her to get on her knees in front of him. His hand wound into the back of her hair and pulled her close to his lap. He groaned when she took him in her mouth, his eyes closing.
Ella hardly needed his hand wound in her hair to guide her on what to do. She was very good at giving him what he wanted using her hands and her mouth. He was moaning her name the closer he got to finishing. He kept himself rather quiet when he came and then pulled her back up so she was eye level with him. She had swallowed and he kissed her forehead.
She pushed him back into the bed and held up a hand to tell him to stay. She went into the bathroom and came back a few minutes later after brushing her teeth. She climbed on top of him and started kissing his neck and chest. His hands explored her skin, one going to her backside and the other going to her chest. They were both taking a moment before she let him in.
That night lasted much longer than either of them had intended. Their heads didn’t hit the pillows for sleep until the sun had just started to show itself over the horizon line. Jared curled Ella against his chest and fell asleep happily.

The next day they found themselves at Terry’s talking about hair of all things. Ella wasn’t sure how it happened but Terry broke out his hair trimmers and Jared took off his Jacket. They had decided it would be a good idea to give Jared a mohawk before he left.
Terry handed Ella one of his his cameras and told her to take pictures the whole way through. She did as she was told snapping photos of them setting up and the short conversation consisting of whether or not Jared was sure he wanted to do this and if Terry was ready.
The trimmers were turned on and a quick glance was exchanged between Jared and Ella before Terry started cutting Jared’s hair. None of them could really believe this was happening but it was fun. Terry finished one side and let Jared look. They joked about leaving it that way before Terry started on the other side.
When he was finished Ella handed the camera over to Terry. He made Jared stand in profile and took some pictures. Then it was straight on. Jared grabbed his jacket after Ella dusted most of the hair from his shirt and pulled that on so Terry could take more pictures. Jared pulled Ella back in front of Terry’s camera and pushed her against the wall kissing her hard. Terry was excited about this and moved to get better pictures. Ella let him for a while before pushing Jared back gently. He smirked at her and kissed her nose before stepping back.
They both took a moment to play with Jared’s new hairstyle and then he went into the bathroom to look in a mirror. He laughed a little saying at least Terry cut it straight and then they headed out for a fashion show and dinner.
That was their last full day in New York together. Jared had to leave the afternoon of the next day with everyone else. Ella hung around a few hours longer with Terry before her flight back to California. She called Terry when she landed to let him know she was safe at home. Then she left a message for Jared. He’d get it whenever he was waiting for a connection or when he landed in England. She was tired but it was too early for bed so she watched some TV and waited for it to get a bit darker. Her apartment made her feel so alone because it was quiet and she knew Jared wasn’t just a few blocks away anymore.

Ella went back to working on painting again. She needed to build her skills back up, get used to using a brush again. She couldn’t believe how long it had been since she’d painted regularly. She laughed at herself for letting someone else stop her from doing the one thing she was most passionate about in her life. She could have just painted other things like landscapes or even portraits but to her it seemed like she would only paint people doing what got them off or she wouldn’t paint at all.
She was almost thirty-seven now and figured she should be past all the letting other people dictate what she could and couldn’t do. Then again, she hadn’t ever really been like that, it was just this one time that she let it happen. Ella thought maybe it was because she had gotten married and wanted to pretend she was normal. She just assumed that was what a wife would do if her husband asked her. Now she knew it was all stupid to have done it. There wouldn’t ever be anything ‘normal’ in her life.
Once she got painting again she forgot about time. Days passed by pretty quickly and before she knew it a month and a half had gone by. Jared would be home in two weeks and she’d just gotten the call that her house had an offer on it. It was a little below asking price and Ella said she’d take it. She wanted to be done with the stupid thing and move on. She called Adrian and told him she was finally selling the house. She would be taking a loss on it but she didn’t care. He tried to talk her out of it and wait a little longer but she refused to. She promised he’d get back what he had put into it and then they would be done with one another.
With the offer accepted the house went into escrow and a inspection was done. A few things needed to be fixed and the buyers asked that money be taken off the price but Ella said since they were already below asking she wouldn’t come down anymore. That ended up being alright and the people who’d made the offer committed to buy.
By the time Jared came back she was almost rid of the house. There were a few more days before it was official and Jared could tell she was a lot more relaxed. She started to look like herself again, she smiled more and she was quicker to laugh at small things he did. He was glad to have her almost back to normal. Or at least back to how she was before she got married.
He asked her to go on a walk with him and she agreed. They headed out on the trails behind the house but were soon off them going to their tree. Jared reached over and held Ella’s hand as they walked and kept her close. The stopped at the base and Jared pulled her in as he leaned against the trunk.
“I like your hair like this.” She reached up and tugged a strand that had fallen on his forehead. “Sleepyhawk.”
“Been reading the internet?” He smiled. “That’s what the Echelon call my mohawk when it’s down.”
“That’s where I got it.” She kissed his nose.
He tightened his hands on her hips and pulled her closer. “I’m thinking about going blonde again.”
“You know I like your hair blonde too.”
“So you’d think that you’d like it even more than you do now.”
“Perhaps.”
“Maybe tomorrow we’ll do that.”
“Maybe.”
“How has everything been.” He asked kissing her neck. “I’ve missed you too much.”
“Alright. Getting better at painting. House is sold. Soon they get the keys and I’ll be rid of it.”
“That’s good.”
“It’ll make me sleep easier.”
“I’ve still got to give you your money back.” He reminded her.
“It’s fine where it is right now. Don’t worry about it. When you have more time off than two weeks we’ll fix it. I know you won’t run away with it.”
“Nope. Maybe I’ll run away with you though.” He kissed her forehead.
“Where will we go?”
“Dunno. Around the country for a while? Then Europe again?”
“You’re going overseas again?”
“In June for a month and a half. We have a date in May for Wales but it’s only a day before we come back to the US for two dates, a break, and then the third tour of Europe.”
“When do you have more than a month off?”
“Whole year is pretty much planned out.” He sighed seeing her face take the slightest fall. “The last date this year is about mid December I think. Tour picks back up in February after that. Emma hasn’t gotten all the details yet. We’ll know soon.”
“I liked it better when you were making movies.”
“I likeed it better when we were in Africa making movies.” Jared amended.
“Africa was nice. We’ll have to go back sometime.”
“This year?”
“You’re all scheduled out.” She stuck out her bottom lip as she looked into his eyes.
“We have three dates there in November I believe. You could come.”
“Maybe.”
“I wish you gave definite answers.” He sighed.
“A lot could happen between now and then. I don’t like planning out my whole year.”
“It’s not the whole year. Just your November.” He grinned kissing her nose.
“Let me give it some thought.”
“You’ve got until I’m back in this city again.”
“Fine. I’ll have an answer by then.”
“You’ll come see us play, won’t you?”
“Wouldn’t miss a chance to see Frozen Embryos.” She grinned referring back to Jordan Catalano and his band from the TV show.
Jared rolled his eyes at her. “We changed the name to Residue in the last few episodes.”
“Aw, you didn’t yell at me for making a Catalano joke.”
“My whole life is a joke to you so I’m just letting it go.” He kissed her. “Besides, I’m just here with you right now.”
Ella smiled and leaned against him resting her head on his shoulder. Jared closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Her right hand toyed with the hem of his shirt before slipping underneath to trace patterns on his skin. She felt goosebumps raise and then slowly fade as he got used to her hand.
“Can I ask a question or are we just being silent right now?”
“Ask away.” Jared said quietly.
“This two weeks, have you planned for it to be just us or are we going to see other people too? I miss Tomo and Vicki.”
“I hadn’t made plans. ‘Just us’ doesn’t sound so bad but if you want to see everyone else we can do that.”
“I miss them. I wish Vicki were home with me when you guys left.”
“Tomo’s going to ask her to marry him soon.”
Ella stepped back a little and looked at Jared with a huge smile. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. He’s been talking to me about it for a little while. He thinks he wants to take her somewhere for a weekend and ask her but we can’t really find the right time to do it. He said he’s going to ask her before our next European tour though.”
“That’s so exciting. They should have been married a long time ago.”
“I know.” Jared laughed. “Pretty much as soon as they met.”
“They’re my favorite couple hands down. The two of them are so goofy.”
Jared smiled and kissed Ella.
“What?”
“We were pretty goofy.” He said quietly, lips still close to hers.
“We still are, we’re just not together.”
“We could be.” He paused. “Again.”
“I don’t know.” Ella’s body language changed, she stepped a little further back from Jared.
“Hey, don’t go anywhere.” He tried to pull her back in. “Ella, I’m sorry.”
“Jared I just can’t. I don’t know what it is.”
“You’re scared.”
“Maybe. It doesn’t feel right.”
“But I love you.” He looked sadly at her. “Isn’t that enough?”
“It should be Jared. It should be.”
“But it’s not.” He bit his bottom lip in disappointment.
“No.”
He chewed the inside of his cheek and looked at the ground. He kicked at the roots and sighed.
“Jared.” She reached out to touch his arm.
He brushed her hand away. “It’s fine Ella.”
“You shouldn’t be waiting around for me.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“If you were really sorry you would lead me on like you do.” His tone wasn’t an accusation, just a statement.
“I can’t help it.”
“Couldn’t you just give it a shot? I’m not even home that much right now. It would be easy. We’d just talk over the phone, tell each other that we were in love and that would be it. I’d come home for a couple weeks and we’d do whatever it is that we do and then I’ll be gone again. You’d have more than enough space.”
“It’s not fair.”
“How? I have you and you have space.”
“My heart wouldn’t be in it.”
“That’s not possible.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because you love me.” He sounded so sad that he had to say that.
Ella paused unsure what to say.
“You love me, don’t you?”
“Yes, but-”
“No, there are no buts. You love me or you don’t.”
“I do, I’m just not sure I can.”
“Ella, you know I’ll do whatever it is that you need. I’ll give you all the space you need. Anything. I just want you.”
“We did that once. It didn’t work.”
“It did for a while.”
“Until things got serious.”
“That won’t happen again. Not unless we’re ready. I promise.”
“But it happened last time and the way we dealt with it, with giving her up, tore us apart.”
“It was four years ago. We’ve rebuilt since then.”
“I couldn’t handle going through that again Jared. I couldn’t.”
“And we won’t unless you want to. Unless we decide to be a family. We’ll be more careful.”
She shook her head. He could see tears in her eyes.
“Ella please.” He wasn’t sure if he was asking her to give them a shot again or if he was asking for her to give being a family a shot again but in that moment he knew he wanted both with her.
They talked longer but Jared was only more frustrated. He got angry and Ella was upset. She ended up walking away from him like she had in the past. Jared climbed up into the tree and sat for a while to cool off. Ella called Tomo and he picked her up in front of the house. Shannon wasn’t around so mercifully Ella didn’t have to explain twice what was going on.
Tomo got Ella back to his and Vicki’s place before she started crying. He got her in the house and found Vicki in the kitchen. Vicki took over Ella and Tomo took over making dinner adding more food for Ella. They had a quiet night and Ella wouldn’t mention Jared or Shannon. Anything Leto related was off limits.
The next day Ella didn’t want to go back to the house yet so Vicki took her out for the day. They went shopping, had lunch, and went to the beach at Santa Monica Pier. They talked about making Kings and Queens there last year but then the conversation went away from the band. It was too close to Jared and Shannon. Instead Ella got Vicki talking about Tomo and herself.
She wanted to hear about all the cute little things Tomo tried to plan while they were on tour in place of real dates. He’d made a picnic for the two of them one day before a show. He’d made all the food himself -how she didn’t know because they didn’t have a full kitchen- and they were left alone for a few hours. That was a rarity on tour.
It wasn’t until the day after that Ella went back. She curled up on the bed in the guest room like usual and Jared came down to check if she was there. When he found her he smiled and sat down next to her prone form. He rubbed her hip and apologized for getting angry. She put her hand over his and told him it was okay.
They didn’t talk about being in a relationship the rest of the time he was home. Ella knew that was all Jared wanted but she was too scared to try again. She didn’t want it to fail like the last time. She didn’t want to end up having another baby with him if she wasn’t ready. In her mind that would happen if she tried again. She loved Jared but she was too scared.