Feet First

I hated dancing.

I always had.

But when I had been drinking, and when I was with Alex, things seemed to change.

After drinking at the bar, he pulled me to the dance floor.

“No, no, no, no. Not tonight.” I said.

He gave me a sly smile, “Of course tonight!” and pulled me towards him.

I stepped back.

“I really don’t like dancing.” I said.

We sat back down at the bar.

He ordered me some kind of drink.

Handed it to me, and said, “Liquid confidence.”

I drank it, and it took everything I had in me not to spit it out.

“What the hell is that?”

“I don’t know I just asked for something strong. Drink the rest, we’re dancing.”

“You’re an ass hole.”

“Did Olivia Collins just swear?” He fake gasped. “Maybe you are drunk!”

I made a face at him, plugged my nose, and drank.

A few minutes later, I felt the rush to my head, and my mind was swimming.

I hopped off the bar stool, nearly fell over, and pulled Alex to the dance floor.

I was sure I was making a fool out of myself because he kept laughing, but we had fun.

As time progressed we got closer and closer together, now I wasn’t sure who’s limbs were who’s and
I didn’t care.

Somewhere in my mind I surely thought, ‘just friends, just friends, why are we doing this, we’re just friends’ but I pushed it back.

This felt right.

I looked up at him, his deep brown eyes looking at me intently.

I thought for a second he might kiss me.

The thought struck me and I stepped back, and almost fell.

He laughed, “We better bet home. It’s nearly two. You’re playing early tomorrow.”

I smiled, and let him hold me up.

We walked out.

“Who was your first kiss?” I asked him.

He looked puzzled by my question.

“Uh, I think, it was, a girl named Madison, in the 8th grade. Right after I got out of private school.”

It was silent, he was thinking.

“Yeah, yeah it was, it was in Frankie’s basement. In 8th grade after he had a pool party.”

“I remember Frankie.” I said.

We walked silently.

“Who was yours?” He asked after a minute.

“Who was my what?” I said.

“Your first kiss.”

I looked at him.

His eyes were fixed on me, waiting for an answer.

My thoughts were so jumbled at this point of my intoxication that I took way to long to think.

I smiled.

“It was Andrew, actually.”

He looked shocked.

“Really?”

“Mhm.”

“Wow, did you guys date?”

“No, but I really liked him when he started working at the store with me, and one day he kissed me.
And we never talked about it, but it happened, and we both just moved on from there. I think he did it cause he knew I liked him.”

“Wow, that’s, funny I guess.”

“I almost forgot about that.” I laughed.

I thought back to that day.

“Hey Maggie, I’m heading out.” He said, putting his nametag back on the corkboard.

“Oh, okay bye Andrew.” I said, giving him a slight wave from behind the counter.

He hesitated at the counter, looking at me.

I smiled at him.

Then he leaned over the counter and kissed me.

Then he left.

Just like that.

I remembered thinking if it really even happened.

Then the next day at work, I’d asked him if he’d meant to kiss me, and he’d said yes.

And after that we’d never talked about it again.

I laughed to myself, and Alex looked at me.

Then his phone started to ring.

I grabbed it out of his back pocket, and answered, laughing.

“Alex Gaskarth’s phone.” I said.

He laughed, and tried to take the phone away.

“Maggie?” A voice asked.

I stopped walking.

It couldn’t be.

“Annie?”

“Hi, I was hoping to get your number and call-“

I hung up the phone.

Alex looked at me with big eyes.

“Olivia, let me explain.”

“Why was she calling you?” I asked, terribly annoyed with him.

“I called her before and I was asking about you-“

“Why did you call her?! And why would you EVER call her about me?” I yelled.

“Olivia, let me explain. I-“

“No, there is no reason for you to be calling my sister and your ex-girlfriend. Why did you call her?
What did you ask?”

“I wanted to know-“

I started to walk away, infuriated.

I didn’t even know why I was so mad.

Everything about Annie always made me mad.

She didn’t care, and the fact she pretended to just then, made me sick.

“Olivia, will you please listen to me?”

“What are you going to say Alex? If you didn’t notice, she and I don’t get along. I cut her out of my
life for a reason, because she didn’t want to stay in it. How DARE you bring her back into it.”

“Olivia she cares about you.”

“HA. Funny. If she cared about me, she would have done something when she knew I was hurting myself. She would have tried to stop me, or told my parents I was depressed, but she didn’t. When I reached out to her, and asked if she’d help me with something, she’d actually turn away from the mirror and help me. If she cared, she would have supported my music instead of calling it dumb.
You now nothing about our relationship, so don’t pretend you do.”

“Olivia, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you went through that.”

“Well I did. I really just can’t believe you.”

I started walking again, and he grabbed my arm.

“ALEX. Stop. Honestly, stop. You don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get?”

“YOU DON’T GET WHAT IT’S LIKE HAVING A SIBLING WHO ISN’T THERE FOR YOU!” I screamed.

He let go, and the pain immediately registered on his face.

It was then my heart dropped to my stomach.

I snapped out of the drunken trance I was in.

What did I just say?

He started to walk away from me now.

“Alex I’m so, so, sorry. I didn’t mean it, at all. I was being stupid. I take it back.”

He turned, I could see him fighting back tears.

“You can’t take it back. And maybe you and Annie have you differences, but at least she’s still here, she’s still alive. Don’t fucking take that for granted.”

I started to cry, and grabbed his hand.

“Please, stop. I know, I can’t take it back, but I can be sorry. I’m sorry for saying it. I’m a fucking
idiot. Please.”

“It’s funny, because I called her to tell her I liked you, and that I wanted to know how to impress
you to see if, maybe, you could ever like me.”

He tore my hand off, and walked away.

I sat down, luckily, we’d made it to the parking lot with our buses.

I knew he’d never leave me stranded.

I cupped my head in my hands and I cried.

I cried because I was such an ass hole.

Because my sister didn’t love me, and because one of the only guys I trusted hated me.

I hated myself for saying those things to him.

I’d completely forgotten about his brother.

I remembered when it happened.

Annie cried for weeks, even though it wasn’t even about her.

It was about Alex, and his family.

We all went to the funeral.

Most of our school went.

I was too young to understand.

But I understood now, and it was heartbreaking.

I wanted to just sit in the parking lot and cry, and cry and cry.

For everything that was wrong with the world right now.

So I did, until Andrew came out, and carried me to our van.

“You okay?”

“No.” I said.

“I figured.”

He didn’t ask anything.

He didn’t prod or even console me.

He just left me be.

He knew that’s exactly what I wanted him to do.

He sat next to me, and put his arm around me.

I fell asleep there, still crying.

I couldn’t believe how royally I’d screwed up.