Dormant Senses

Monday night and Jack was sitting on his bed listening to music. He was spending the night over at his father’s and he was slightly curious as to why Alex hadn’t made an appearance at school. Yes it shouldn’t have bothered him, but it did. Something felt wrong about Alex not being in school today. Even Rian texted him and yet he got no response back. Maybe Alex just didn’t want to be bothered? Something scratched at the back of his head telling him, ”no, that’s not it.”. Jack bit his bottom lip and contemplated going over Alex’s house. He hadn’t seen any signs of anyone inhabiting the place earlier so maybe Alex had gone out and maybe he was home now. Maybe Jack should call his work? Oh wait, Alex doesn’t work on Mondays anyways. Fuck it, he’s going to go over instead.
Jack got off his bed and put on his black converses. He put on a long sleeved shirt even though it was seventy degrees out, and walked out quietly. It was a school night and he knew his father would be pissed if he knew his son was sneaking out. Jack quickly made his way across his yard and over to Alex’s. He knocked on the door but heard no movement from the inside. Jack was about to leave but he remembered Alex left the backdoor unlocked. Jack made his way quickly to the backyard. He opened the door and made his way inside.
‘Alex! It’s me Jack! I don’t want you to think I’m a robber or something. I was wondering why you weren’t in school today? I mean… The guys and I were wondering. Hello? Alex are you ho-‘
If Jack could erase what he was currently witnessing, he would without second thought. Alex was face down on the kitchen table, a gun in his bluish hand. The table had dried up blood on it and the family portrait that hung in there was covered in Alex’s brains.
He ran over to Alex and pulled him off the chair as he fell to the ground, a weeping mess.
‘No, no, no! You can’t be dead! You possibly can’t be dead! I loved you Alex! I fucking love you!’ Jack said through gritted teeth as he rocked the dead corpse and himself back and forth. He pushed away Alex’s fringe from his cold blue face with shaky hands. He couldn’t possibly stay there any longer. Jack laid Alex gently down next to him and he quickly got back up. He took one last look at this boy who he thought he fixed, before making a bee-line back to his father’s place and sobbed violently as his father called the police and Alex’s parents.

___

Three Days Later.

Jack was putting on a simple black tux. He was going out with his family. Not anywhere fancy or happy or some other family outing. No. He was going to his boyfriend’s funeral. His hands dropped to his side as he collectively remembered everything that happened only three nights ago.
The paramedics came and Jack’s father was outside explaining what Jack told him merely ten minutes ago. The police men broke down the door and in they went rushing with the paramedic’s right behind. A few minutes later, car tires screamed across the asphalt and Jack looked up to find Isobel running to the door of her home. Jack just stood by the end of the Gaskarth’s driveway with no emotion crossing his face.
The paramedics, police men, and Isobel all came out together. Isobel was draped on the body bag as she sobbed violently. Alex was in that body bag and Jack still couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t crying anymore. Maybe he was going into shock? It didn’t matter because Alex was being put in the back of the ambulance and Isobel was violently shaking as she got in the back with Peter. The ambulance drove off and right behind them were the police and Daniel. The last thing Jack remembered was his father saying, “Let’s go back in son.”
He felt hands wrap around his waist, bringing him back to reality. He turned around and found his mother standing in front of him wearing a black dress.
‘Ready to go dear?’ She asked. Jack only nodded once and walked past her. He hadn’t spoken a word since all of this happened. He just felt like the world was against him so why even bother speaking anymore if it’s only going to back fire on you? He sat in-between his brother and sister who were both holding each of his hands. The car ride was going to be eerily quiet.

___

Jack stood right in the middle of his family and the Gaskarths as they stood by Alex’s casket. It’s surreal to think this is actually happening to him. Never would Jack have thought that he would have to go to a funeral so early in his life. He was only seventeen for shits sake. This isn’t fair to him or the people who are suffering around him.
Jack looked up and saw Rian and Zack standing awfully close to each other. Zack was quietly sobbing into Rian’s shoulder and Rian was trying to keep a tough act up but he failed miserably as a few tears betrayed him.
‘If anyone has a few words they’d like to say before Alexander is lowered, please speak up.’ Isobel was beside Jack and she gave his hand a squeeze telling him that he should speak up. They all did their part in the church so now it was his turn.
‘I would.’ Jack croaked out. The minister half smiled and nodded, indicating he could go when he’s ready. Jack took a deep breath and looked up, taking in every single face that surrounded Alex’s casket.
‘I’m Jack and I am… I mean was… Alex’s boyfriend.’ Pause. ‘I only met him the beginning of my senior year but I liked how he wasn’t afraid to state his opinion. I found out where he worked and he was just so damn quiet, I seriously thought my friends and I spooked him.’ Jack chuckled as he remembered Alex’s face the first time they asked him to hang out. ‘Alex was more than a boyfriend and friend to me. He completed me. He was my other and better half. He thought he was worthless and all these other harsh words, but he wasn’t. He had so much fucking potential and it’s such a shame, such a fucking shame to see someone who was loved by many, take his life away because of one single person.’ Yeah Jack just indirectly spoke about Peter but he didn’t care. He was clenching his jaw and fists to keep himself from crying. ‘He will be missed dearly. We’ll all miss him so much. I’ll miss you so much baby.’ Jack barely whispered his last line before he broke down and cried hard. He just couldn’t take it anymore. This was just too much for him to fully register. Isobel wrapped her arms around his waist and gave him a slightly awkward hug.
‘Is that all?’ the minister asked no one in particular. No one spoke up and the minister said a mini pray as some guys prepared to lower down the casket.
Jack walked up then, holding a single red rose. He place a hand on the casket as he said, ‘Ya couldn’t have waited until we graduated? We could have gotten out of here and you would have forgotten your past. I just hope you’re in a better place now.’ Jack whispered to the closed casket as he let his hand slide off it before it was fully lowered. He placed the red rose on top and walked away, leaving the Gaskarth’s to mourn alone.
Just as his family approached their car, Isobel called out Jack’s name. He turned around and she sped up to him holding a folded paper.
‘This is for you. Alex wrote it. I didn’t read it.’ Jack said thank you as he got in his car and they drove back to his mother’s house where they can all mourn together.

___

Jack was in his room that night by ten. His family forced him to stay downstairs and “talk” with them about anything. What they were really trying to do was prevent Jack from going to his room and offing himself as well like some stupid Romeo and Juliet story.
Jack was lying down, still in his tux, and holding the letter close to his chest. He didn’t want to read it with his family around him and keeping their eyes on him every second. He sighed and finally opened the letter, smiling at how Alex made his hand writing still neat in his last hours.
” Dear Jack,
I know I’ve been a shitty boyfriend/friend/everything to you in the past few months that you’ve known me. I don’t blame you for thinking so. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I don’t feel like I deserved you. I never did. You were too good to me. Too good for me. I didn’t do this to hurt you Jack. I was just sick of all this pain and torment and restless nights. I was sick of feeling worthless. I was sick of lying to you and telling you I was okay when I really fucking wasn’t. I’m extremely broken and not my mom or brother or friends and not even you could fix this. But doing this will finally make me happy because; physically, I was alive but emotionally, I was dead. We were all born to die Jack. Some earlier than others. I’m one of those people even if it’s at my own hand. I repeat myself; I wasn’t trying to hurt you or anyone else. I wanted to matter for the first time in life. Ironic how it’s this way?
My head’s just throbbing at me, yelling at me that this world would be a better place without me. Sometimes the voices change between mine and my fathers. I prefer listening to mine. This is getting long and I’m already taking too much time although time itself is infinite. I love you Jack and I never meant to see you hurt. Ever.
P.S – I’ll always be with you. I’ll always love you.”
Jack had to reread a lot of these sentences because of his blurry vision. He was crying all over again just as much as he did at the funeral. He heard his mother’s footsteps approach his room and suddenly she was right beside him, clutching him to her chest tightly.
At least he’s not suffering right?