I'll Be Okay

“What are you doing?” I watched as Danny leaned over, starting the bathtub. He cranked it really hot before pouring some bubble bath in. I watched silently as he turned to me, pushing my shirt and shoes aside. It’s been about 15 minutes since my panic attack, and we were just silently holding each other, letting the intense moment pass.

“My mum said to make sure you take a bath to relax your muscles.” Danny shrugged, pulling me to my feet. I was still slightly wobbly but Danny held me up, making sure I didn’t fall again. “So go ahead, love.” Danny spoke, leaning behind him to shut the bathroom door. I just looked at him, raising an eyebrow as I wiped my face clear of the stray tears. He gave me a soft smile before he took a seat on the floor, turning away from me.

“Uh…” I muttered, scratching my head. “You kind of need to get out in order for me to take a bath, yeah?” I whispered and Danny just looked over at me, raising his arm to grab my hand. A little earlier, Danny reattached my bra so it wasn’t still loose, but the fact he wanted me to get completely naked in front of him made me nervous.

“Nope, I’m not leaving you alone, love. Not after experiencing that.” He spoke softly, looking me in the eye before he turned. “No worries, I won’t look.” He winked, and I just stood there, staring at the back of his head. Is he serious? I continued to just stand there and Danny sighed, turning his head to catch my eye. “Lindsey. Don’t worry, yeah? I promise I won’t look. I just don’t want you to be in here alone incase it happens again. What if you can’t breathe and your whole body freezes and you slip under the water? I need to make sure your safe. Now get in the damn tub.” He spoke softly, smiling softly before he turned away from me again.

“Fine, don’t look.” I smiled softly, my heart swelling at his words. Quickly, I discarded my pants and undergarments before I slipping into the water. It was scolding hot but it felt amazing against my tight muscles. Turning off the tap, I leaned further back so the bubbles rose over my stomach and chest, leaving nothing but my head exposed. Luckily, his bathtub was huge so I didn’t have to bend and fear something was showing. “Alright,” I whispered, raising my hands and playing with some of the bubbles that were high over the sides of the tub.

“Good,” Danny spoke softly, turning. I felt a little uncomfortable knowing that I was naked just an arm-lengths away from him, but I didn’t let it affect me as he sat against the tub, turning his head so that he could look me in the eye. “We need to talk about some stuff.” He whispered, and I felt my heart stop. Literally. What if he was breaking up with me and I was naked in his bathtub? There’s literally no where I could go. “No, love, calm down.” Danny whispered, a small smile falling through his lips. “Nothing bad. I just want to talk about the interview, the tour, and then…Rachel.” He muttered, and I nodded softly. “I’ll be right back,” he said, before he stood and grabbed all of my clothes. He stared at me for a second before he turned, walking out of the bathroom but leaving the door ajar. I waited a few seconds and then I heard the washer start. A few voices were echoed throughout the flat before the door closed, leaving just Danny and me alone. He appeared in the bathroom again before he closed the door tight, getting back to the floor beside the tub. A few moments passed before I spoke.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered, moving so that I was on my side. The bubbles were still covering every inch of my body but now I was leaning against the side, my head leaning on the wall of the tub. Danny turned and our eyes met, the sad expression on his face again. He sat back so that he was leaning against the sink, directly across from me. The bathroom was rather small so we weren’t too far apart.

“I don’t know,” he sighed, leaning forward. His legs were bent so he leaned his arms and head on his kneecaps. “I was just afraid you wouldn’t say yes to be my girlfriend. I mean, I will be leaving in two weeks for a two month tour. I thought that would have changed your mind.” He shrugged his shoulders and looked away from me, instead concentrating on the rug in front of him.

“You’re right, it would have.” I mumbled, causing his eyes to rise quickly to mine. “Think seriously for a second. We have been going out for a week. So when you leave, we will only be going out for three weeks. You’ll be gone longer than our actual relationship. That’ll be really hard on me.” I whispered, sighing softy. My whole body was finally relaxing, causing my eyes to slip closed.

“I know.” He whispered, and I felt his presence. Opening my eyes, I found our noses just centimeters apart. “It will be hard. But if you trust me, that’ll make it a hell of a lot easier.” He spoke softly, and I sighed, shaking my head.

“I do trust you, more than anything. But we are just getting into a relationship and I won’t see you for months at a time. It won’t be easy knowing that we are together, but not physically together.” I spoke in a whisper, my heart beating repeatedly in my chest.

“It might not be easy, but I’m telling you it’ll be worth it.” He said, and I looked up at him, my eyes catching his. “We’ll miss each other, but we’ll talk every day. I love you; I’m not going to let this get in the way of us.”

“But what if you find someone more interesting? Someone who isn’t completely ill in the head? I just had this crazy panic attack because of some girl, and you actually helped me. What if you aren’t here? What if you find someone normal and you don’t want me anymore? I can’t-” I took a deep breath, my eyes starting to water; “I can’t do this without you.” I felt my chest tighten. “I just-” Quickly, Danny stood up and grabbed a towel, holding it out to me. I sat up as fat tears fell down my cheeks. “I can’t do this without you.” I exclaimed, shaking my head. Danny quickly reached forward and wrapped the towel around me, picking me up in his arms. He wrapped his arms around my body and I just leaned into him, my eyes brimming with thick, solid tears.

“Lindsey, shhh,” he whispered, running his hand through my hair. His other hand held my waist tight, the towel the only material between us. “Calm down, okay?” He spoke softly, and I nodded my head, wiping my stupid tears. He pulled away and I fixed my towel, holding it tight around me with my trembling hands. He had one hand holding my waist and the other wiping my salty tears. “Lindsey, listen to me, alright? You need to stop thinking like that. You aren’t ill in the head. You are hurt. You went through some hard challenges and you are getting better and better every day. Who cares what people think? And for the record, you are fucking normal. Just because you have anxiety doesn’t make you different than anyone else. It just goes to show that you are stronger than most people.” He spoke in a quiet voice, and I just shook my head.

“I’m not strong; I have panic attacks, I break down almost every day, and I cry over everything! I’m pathetic, weak, and I just deserve to disappear,” I took a deep breath, shaking my head again.

“Who said that to you?!” Danny exclaimed and his eyebrows rose. “Was it Rachel? Did she tell you that?” He whispered, and I just looked down, playing with my fingers. “Fuck, Lindsey, seriously? Why would you believe her?” he muttered, and I stepped back, shaking my head hard.

“Because she’s right, Danny! She is so fucking right! I have to take medication or this happens! And even if I take medication, I still can’t function! It is pathetic!” I turned away from him and pulled the door open, storming into his bedroom. “You don’t have to pretend to care anymore. I get it, you felt sorry for me. Don’t worry, I’ll just leave.” I fished out some clothes and quickly changed, the towel covering me as I pulled on my pants and a bra. I dropped the towel and went to grab the shirt off of Danny’s bed but he grabbed it and tossed it across the room.

“When did I ever pretend to care about you? When did I ever show you that I only felt sorry for you?” He whispered, and I felt my chest tighten again. “Give me a fucking example.” He exclaimed, spreading his arms out around him. “Because I don’t remember ever telling you that I don’t care about you. If I remember correctly, I’ve told you that I’ve loved you twice now.” He spoke loudly and I just wiped my face. “I don’t want you to leave. I won’t let you go. I will admit that I never thought you’d mean this much to me, and I never expected to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that’s the truth; that’s what’s keeping me holding on because I know that it will hurt like hell to let you go.” He whispered. For the second time in one day, I’m seeing his vulnerable side. “Don’t make me let go.” I slid down to the floor, my knees catching me as big tears ran down my cheeks.

“How can you be in love with me? After everything I’ve told you about me, and then witnessing it, I never thought you’d still want me.” I whispered, wiping my face. Danny knelt down in front of me, placing his hands on both sides of my face.

“I will always want you. And I will always love you. What’ll make you believe me?” He mustered. Leaning forward, I met his lips with mine. At first, it was a soft, gentle kiss, but then all of our emotions let loose and he ended up on top of me, my tears still leaking down my cheeks. “Stop doubting everything. Just feel.” He whispered against my lips, and I nodded numbly, sniffling loudly. “Don’t be afraid to fall. I promise I’ll catch you.”

“Okay.” I mumbled, pecking his lips a few time. “I love you.” I whispered, pulling away to see the smile that was etched on his face. I smiled shyly, leaning forward and kissing him again.

“Jenn’s right, you are insecure!” Danny mumbled, a grin playing on his lips as he winked. My mouth flew open before I erupted into a quiet laugh, smacking his shoulder lightly.

“Hey!”

`*`

“So what did she say to you?” Danny whispered, looking over at me. We were in his bed, talking about everything and anything after we changed into our pajamas. Sighing softly, I turned over so that I was lying on my side, my eyes meeting his.

“A lot.” And so I told him everything. I told him what she said, what I did, what she did, and everything in between. He held his breath throughout the entire thing and when I was finished, I sighed and closed my eyes. “I know I shouldn’t have let her get to me but I couldn’t help it. She had all of the facts right so I felt like I had to believe her. I don’t know. I’m over it.” I muttered, shrugging softly. Danny ran his fingers along my cheek and I sighed, leaning into his touch.

“Well she’s all wrong. Everything she said…it’s all wrong.” He whispered, smiling softly at me. I nodded softly, and he continued. “If she comes knocking on my door while I’m away, do not open that door. Use the studio to get to Jenn, Gio, or Emily. Alright? Or call me.” He spoke softly and I nodded. My eyes fell and he caught my chin, causing me to look back up at him. “I wish I could stay here with you, Linds.” He whispered, causing me to shrug.

“No, you don’t. McFly is your life; I understand. Don’t say stuff like that. I promise I’ll be here when you get back.” I smiled reassuringly. He chuckled softly, nodding his head. “Just tell me when you are almost home so I can come and meet you here.” I said. Danny raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean? Where do you think you’ll be?” He asked, his voice rather soft. I shrugged, looking down at the blanket.

“Well, we never agreed on how long I was going to stay here for. So I figured, while you’re away on tour, I could look into renting a flat or someth-” he cut me off, his lips meeting mine. I froze, my eyebrows furrowed as I kissed him back. He pulled away a few minutes later and as I was catching my breath, I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Sorry, you were rambling,” he grinned, causing me to laugh softly. “And why waste money on a flat that you’ll hardly be living in?” He asked, and I raised my eyebrows. What is he saying…? “I mean, you’ll be here all of the time when I’m home, and I was hoping that while I’m on tour, you could make sure no crazy fans knocked down my door…”

“Danny, what are you saying?” I mumbled, cutting him off. He smiled softly, leaning over to peck my lips again.

“Move in with me.” He whispered, pecking my lips a few times before pulling back. “For real.” My eyes were the size of causers. I mean, obviously I’ve been staying here for a few weeks, but temporarily. The thought of actually moving in here and living with him made me nervous.

“Are you being serious?” I mumbled, and he nodded eagerly.

“I’ve never been so serious in my life.” He whispered before he got up off of the bed, holding his hand out to me. His sweatpants were loose around his waist, his naked chest very inviting. I stood up, holding both of his hands as he grinned down at me. “Lindsey, will you please move in with me?” He spoke softly, smiling encouragingly. “I know it’s a big step but I’m positive I-” I cut him off, wrapping my arms around his neck as I kissed him. He staggered backwards, catching me as he kissed me back. He placed his hands on my bum, lifting me up which caused my legs to wrap around his waist. “Is that a yes?” He mumbled against my lips, causing me to nod eagerly.

“It’s a hell yes.” I whispered, and he grinned, dropping me onto his bed and crawling on top of me, our lips meeting passionately. I got lost in his lips, the way his body moved against mine made my heart burst in happiness. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”