I'll Be Okay

“Come on, Jenn.” I grabbed her hand and yanked her into Danny’s flat, shutting the door tight behind us. It’s been a few days since Danny asked me to move in with him, for real, and so I was finally going to my aunt’s house to get the rest of my stuff. I still haven’t told Jenn that I’m moving in with Danny completely, so this should be fun.

“Why do you need Danny’s car anyway? I have my car, you know.” Jenn huffed and I just grinned. Jenn drives a little compact car and Danny drives an SUV. His car has more space.

“Just because, now come on.” I pulled her toward the backdoor that leads to the lad’s studio. The four of them were up there either writing new songs or going over old ones for their tour. Danny told me I could interrupt him if it was something important and I figured this was important enough. I knocked on the black door at the top of the stairs with Jenn behind me, waiting impatiently as I heard a few voices inside. The door pulled open to reveal Dougie, his smile playing on his lips.

“Come on in,” he stood back and held his arm out, causing us to step through the doorway. Now, I have never actually been up here before so my eyes started to wander. There were guitars scattered everywhere along with two drum sets and a few different pair of drumsticks on a few countertops. I looked to the right and the rest of the band was lounging around a coffee table that held quite a few sheets of lyrics and music. I caught Danny’s eye and he grinned in my direction. Standing, he made his way over to me and gave me a tight hug and a few pecks on the lips.

“Hi, love.” He grinned and I smiled shyly, running my hand through my blond hair. I looked up at him and he grinned brighter. “What do you need?” he asked, and I just laughed.

“Can I borrow your car, please? I wanted to grab some of my things.” I mused and, if it was possible, he grinned even wider.

“Sure, love.” He reached into his pocket and held out the set of keys, a few key-chains hanging around it. I held it tight in one of my hands before Danny caught my attention. “Do you want help? I could always go with you. You probably have a few heavy boxes-” I cut him off with a kiss and he chuckled, pulling away with a soft smile.

“I’ll be fine, Dan. Besides, you need to stay here and work.” I poked his chest and he grinned. “I’ve got Jenn.” He gave me a pointed look and I rolled my eyes with a smile. “If something is too heavy for either of us to pick up, I’ll give you a call, yeah?” I muttered and he laughed with a nod. After pecking his lips a few times, I turned and grabbed Jenn’s attention, gesturing that we should probably leave. “I’ll leave you lads to it. I’ll be home later, okay Dan?” He returned to his seat beside Harry and his smile was infectious.

“Just don’t crash it, love.” He joked and I stuck my tongue out at him. “Tomorrow we’ll go and get your tire fixed, yeah?” He added and I nodded with a large smile. Jenn and I disappeared out the door and we returned to Danny’s flat,, grabbing our purses from the counter.

“Seriously? You could go in there and tell him that you two are getting married next week and he would go and buy you a ring. Actually, he probably already has the ring; sitting in his underwear drawer beside his Calvin Klein boxers.” Jenn huffed, shaking her head at me. I blushed, shrugging my shoulders. “And why did you call his flat ‘home’?” We got into Danny’s large SUV and I moved the drivers seat so that I could reach the peddles.

“He may have asked me to move in with him.” I whispered, pulling onto the street. Jenn stared at me with her eyes wide as she stumbled over her words. “And I may have said yes.” I finished. Jenn’s mouth was hanging wide open as she gawked at me.

“You’re moving in with him?” she screeched and I just giggled, nodding my head. “Jesus Christ, so apparently things between you two are getting serious.” She mused, causing me to nod softly with a laugh.

“Mmm, very.” I spoke and Jenn burst out laughing, covering her face with her hands. “What?” I muttered, causing her to laugh even louder. “That’s not what I meant!” I exclaimed, realizing how that came out. I just told my cousin that Danny and I are having sex! I flushed furiously which just caused Jenn to laugh even harder.

“Oh my God, but it’s true! So very true!” She choked out with caused me to flush even more, if it was possible. I concentrated on the road as Jenn began speaking again. “Oh stop, you know anything is safe with me! It’s your sex life, I won’t go telling the paparazzi or something.” Jenn mused and I just shook my head as I felt my face and neck grow red. “Jeez, you are 19 years old and you’re uncomfortable talking about sex. I am your cousin, you know.” She stuck her tongue out at me and I just shook my head with a soft laugh.

“Well you don’t go around telling me about how Harry is in bed so I didn’t think you’d like to know.” I spoke and Jenn just grinned.

“I didn’t know you wanted to know how amazing and flexible Harry is-” I cut her off as my foot slid off of the gas and hit the break slightly. Regaining control, Jenn began laughing hysterically. “Relax, Lindsey! And it’s called sex. Come on, say it with me. S-E-X. Sex. Also known as intercourse. Or, or making love.” Jenn began laughing again and I just flushed as I parked the car outside of Aunt Janette’s house.

“Whatever, we’ve had sex. End of discussion.” I hopped out of the front seat and Jenn followed closely behind me, her eyes bugging out of her head.

“I just can’t believe you’re serious about him. You just started dating a few weeks ago and you’ve only known him for a few months-” I turned around to face her and she just smiled softly. “I just want to make sure you’re sure.” Taking a deep breath, I nodded softly.

“I’m sure.” We turned back around and I slipped inside the quiet house, my teeth clamping down on my bottom lip. Jenn followed me toward the stairs and just as I stepped up a few steps, I hear another voice in the living room, causing me to stop dead in my tracks.

“I don’t know where I went wrong. I pushed myself into work when Mary got sick because I couldn’t stand seeing her after what we went through with our mother. Yeah, she had breast cancer, too,” Aunt Janette sighed softly and I felt the strain in her voice. She was definitely on the phone with someone. I caught Jenn’s eye and she shrugged softly, her eyes returning to look at the wall blocking us from the living room. “Well, when Lindsey moved in with us, I sent her to therapy and I know I should have kept a relationship with her but she was always so sad and she looked just like Mary.

“I couldn’t look her in the eye for the longest time. Mary was more than a sister to me, Joan, she was my best friend.” Jenn stepped back down to floor and motioned for me to follow her. Silently, we stood in the doorway of the living room as Aunt Janette faced away from us, her head in her hand as she chatted on the phone. “Mary told me to take care of her and I let her down. You don’t understand, she hasn’t slept here in weeks, and I’ve seen it on the telly; she’s dating a celebrity and she’s happy. When she was living here, she was down in the dumps and she nearly committed suicide twice.” My whole body stiffened and Jenn caught my eye. “I know. Joan, she’s mentally ill. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t know what to do. Therapy was the only option and now that she’s staying with that musician, Dr. Jones won’t tell me anything. I’ve lost all ties with her. I’ve let Mary down.” A sob broke through her lips and I felt my heart break.

“Let’s get your things,” Jenn mouthed, gesturing toward the stairs. I nodded softly and followed behind her. once we got to my room, Jenn closed the door softly and I took a seat on my bed, a few tear slipping down my cheeks. “You committed suicide? Twice?” Jenn whispered, taking a seat beside me. Her eyes were locked on the picture frame on the bureau, my mother’s beautiful face looking back at me. Shaking my head, I looked over at Jenn, my voice cracking nearly every word.

“It was the first Sunday I was staying here. Your mum pushed me right into therapy and I couldn’t take the stress. I got in the bathtub to calm down, filled it up so that it was just below the edges, and I sank down. My nose was the only thing above the water. I was just trying to clear my head, honest. Well, Aunt Janette knocked on the door and it scared me, so I slipped under the water and choked on the water. She thought I was trying to drown myself but I was just trying to calm down. I wasn’t trying to kill myself.” I whispered, my eyes filling with tears. Looking down at my hands that were perched in my lap, I spoke again. “And as for cutting myself, that was only to block my pain. I never wanted to kill myself, honest. I haven’t touched a blade to my skin since that day a few weeks ago. Jenn, you have to believe me.” I sobbed out, my hands covering my face as thick tears slipped down my cheeks. Arms wrapped around me and I buried my head into Jenn’s chest.

“I do believe you, Lindsey. But you need to call me for now on. Whenever you’re upset or stressed; call me. I can help you.” I nodded numbly. “Now lets get this done, quick. My mum should be leaving soon for work.” Just as Jenn finished speaking, I heard feet hit the stairs. I froze in my seat and Jenn looked over at me, her eyes running over my features. I wiped the rest of my tears and then there was a soft knock on the door.

“Lindsey?” Aunt Janette whispered. I took a deep breath before I stood and walked toward my closed door. Jenn grabbed my arm as I pulled the thin oak opened. “Hi,” Aunt Janette whispered and I took a deep breath.

“Hi.”

“I was just about to get to work and I saw that SUV in the driveway so I figured it’d be you. Can we talk?” She whispered, causing me to nod once more. Taking a seat on my bed, Jenn sat beside me as Aunt Janette stepped into my room. “Look, I just want to say that I’m sorry for everything I’ve said to you and everything I should have told you but I didn’t. I know you’re probably mad at me, and I understand, you have every right to be. I was just following Mary’s wishes. It was stupid and I should have done the right thing and told you about Jackson.” Taking a deep breath, Aunt Janette took a seat on the other side of me, her hand placed softly on my lap. “Can we put this behind us? I really want you to come back home.” I cut her off with a soft shake of my head.

“This isn’t my home anymore, Aunt Janette. I’m sorry. I’m moving in with Danny-” Aunt Janette cut me off when she gasped.

“You’re moving in with him?” I nodded my head softly. “You’ve only been going out for a few weeks-”

“I didn’t come here to fight with you, Aunt Janette. I came here to get the rest of my things because I am moving in with Danny. I’m not asking your permission. I appreciate your apology, but you need to let me go.” I stood up and grabbed a few things off of my bedside table. Nearly everything I owned was already in boxes scattered along my room so all I had left was a few little things I’d used everyday; like my laptop, my toiletries, and a few knickknacks. Pushing those items into the closest box, I turned to my aunt again and she was frowning at me. “I’m sorry-”

“You are 19 years old, Lindsey. Think rationally for a minute.” Standing up from the bed, Aunt Janette placed both hands on her waist. “You have only known this guy for a few months and you are going to be living with him. What if he isn’t who you think he is?” I spoke up, my voice echoing around us.

“I trust Danny more than anything. He’s been there for me more in the past few months than you have been in my entire life. I love him and I’m going to move in with him no matter what you say. Because I remember our talk a few weeks ago; you are not my mother, and you will not boss me around. I am old enough to make my own decisions and I’ve decided that I am moving in with Danny so you better just deal with it.” Grabbing the closest box, I trudged down the stairs and out to Danny’s car. I opened the boot, shoving the box in before turning and returning to my room.

“Mum, just stop! You aren’t her mother. She loves him and he loves her. He’s been taking care of her and she’s finally happy. Why can’t you let her live her life? It’s finally turning around thanks to him.” Jenn shouted. I paused at the top of the stairs as I heard my cousin and aunt shout words at each other.

“He’s just using her, Jenn! He’s getting what he wants and when she becomes too much, he’s just going to kick her to the curb!”

“Just because Dad did that to you doesn’t mean it’ll happen to us, too. She’s found someone who cares about her and makes her happy. Why won’t you let her have that?”

“Because I know what it’s like to be promised this amazing life with an amazing musician. I was with your father for 20 years; he was constantly on the road with his band. And do you want to know why we got a divorce? Do you want to know why I kicked him to the curb?” Aunt Janette took a deep breath, causing me to step in the doorway, our eyes meeting. “Jesse had been cheating on me since day one. He had another family in America that I didn’t know about. I don’t want that to happen to either of you. I know how much it hurts to be promised love and then having it ripped away because your boyfriend or husband is across the world with billions of girls bowing at their feet. You might trust them now but just wait until they break your heart.” Standing, Aunt Janette rushed of the room, the front door closing behind her. I stared Jenn in the eye as I heard my aunt pull out of the driveway.

“She never told me that about my dad.” Jenn whispered, taking a seat on my bed. She ran a hand through her hair before she fell back, her lips forming a deep frown. “I finally have something amazing happening in my life and then my mum puts that in my head.” Jenn whispered. Taking a seat beside her, I placed my hand on hers.

“As long as you trust Harry one hundred percent than everything will be okay.” I whispered. My mind was whirling with all the information my aunt put in my head. Looking down at my bedspread, I ran my hand over the soft material. “Am I making a mistake?” I whispered, turning my head. Jenn looked up at me and I felt my frown deepen. “Do you think this is too big of a step for us? I mean, she’s right. I’ve only known him a short while and now I’m moving in with him. It’s a huge step and maybe I’m not ready-” Jenn cut me off as she wrapped her hand around my mouth. A small smile was playing on her lips.

“Lindsey, do you love him?” Jenn whispered, causing me to nod my head softly. “Do you see yourself with him in 5 years?” Again, I nodded my head. “Then shut up, Lindsey. Maybe you’re moving in with him a little early, but let’s just call it a heads start. If you see yourself still together in 10 years, than this just means that you’re starting early! You’re getting the first few weeks of living together out of the way. I know you see yourself marrying him, so I don’t see the problem here. You love him, he loves you. Living together is just one step closer to spending the rest of your life together. Just ignore my mum. This is what you want.” Taking a deep breath, I nodded my head once more.

“Okay, you’re right. Let’s get all of my shit in the back of Danny’s car then. I’m about ready for a nap already.”