A Little's Enough

The kiss deepened, the urgency to be that much closer to him pushing past any boundaries I’d set for myself. I knew in this one moment that I was past hiding, and though I hadn’t been honest with him yet, if it came to it I would be. I didn’t care about the consequences in that moment, I just wanted him. The necklace temporarily forgotten, the kiss continued. Before I knew it, Gerard was pushing me back, hovering over me, our mouths still connected in desperate pursuit. We shifted so that he was beside me, and I turned into him, wrapping my arm up around his back, my hand tangling in his hair. I felt flushed but I just kept going. I had never let it get this far before. His hands explored my back, and I got only slightly nervous as his hand began to move further south. I was so lost in the kiss that I ignored that initial warning and hadn’t realized until it was too late that his hand was already caressing the back of my leg and my bottom. My dress had come up no doubt when he laid me back against the blankets. A second later his hand was just shy of the scars covering my thigh and I tensed. Everything stopped. He propped himself up on his elbow, pulling out of the kiss.

“I’m sorry,” I said embarrassed. I immediately tugged on my dress to pull it back over my leg before he could see. I tried my best to hide my face in my hair.

“No, I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I told you I would wait, and here I am forcing myself on you.”

I laughed at this. “I’d hardly call that forcing.” I looked at him shyly.

“That was okay then?” he asked, eyeing me carefully.

“Yes. It was more than okay, and if I didn’t have a conscience then we wouldn’t have stopped.” I blushed at this.

He looked confused. “What’s wrong? What do you mean if you didn’t have a conscience?”

I took a deep breath, gathering the courage to share my secret, hoping that he wouldn’t hate me, or think that I was stupid. More than anything I was hoping that he wouldn’t leave me. I didn’t know how to speak the words. Instead, I took his hand in my own.

I looked into his eyes, “Forgive me.” I pleaded.

With trembling hands I brought his hand down over my thigh and pressed it there. I ran his hand over the rough edges of the scars, tears now flowing free.

He was clearly confused at first but then realization set in his face. He looked so lost.

“I’ve wanted to be honest with you about this.” I sobbed. “I couldn't hide it anymore, I didn't want you finding out, not like this.”

“How long?” he nearly whispered. “How long has this been happening?”

I felt so ashamed. All I could do was answer his questions, and hope that he could forgive me. “I’ve been doing it since I was 12.” I couldn’t bare to look him in the eye.

“Why Teigann?” he sounded so sad.

“I didn’t know how else to deal. I didn’t know how to cope with my sister leaving, being left on my own. I didn’t always have friends to help me through. I didn‘t know how to tell you.” It was a pathetic answer, but the only one I had.

Gerard sat up, pulling the blankets back, away from my lap.

“I didn’t want you to see the ugly parts of me.” I pulled my knees into my chest.

“Shush, sugar it’s okay. Please. Calm down.” I felt his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. I still hadn’t looked at him since the words had left my lips. His breathing felt heavy, but he remained silent until I finally looked up at him. “Sit up a little more,” he suggested. Once I had sat up, he wiped my face with no success to rid my eyes of tears. They just kept coming.

“I’m so sorry. I just ruined a perfect night.” I hung my head.

“Don’t you dare apologize to me for that.” he responded, and my head snapped up half expecting him to be furious with me. Yet seeing his eyes, there was no anger present. He just seemed incredibly sad. “Teigann, I know it’s not easy to tell people about things you’d rather hide. I just wished you could have felt more comfortable telling me about this.” He kissed the crown of my head. “I don’t ever want you to feel so hopeless that this your only option. I don’t ever want to lose you because of this.” At this point, he seemed to be talking more to himself than to me. “I’m so sorry.” he whispered.

After a few quiet moments, I sat up fully, uncurling myself from the fetal position I had taken in his lap. My crying had almost halted, my breathing was a bit more even. Gerard’s breathing had evened out again too.

“I hope that you can forgive me. I just couldn’t bare the idea of you seeing the ugly parts of me.” I spoke, barely above a whisper.

“Teigs, I don't need to forgive you. I understand, I just wish that you hadn’t felt like you had to hide parts of yourself from me. I don’t care how ugly you think they might be.” He looked deep into my eyes, and I knew that he meant every word. His hand found it’s way back to my leg and I cringed at first. “Please, let me see Teigann.” He said it as a statement, but I knew he was asking permission. I bit my lip and stifled more tears as I lifted the hem of my dress.

He looked over my leg, while I wished that I could run and hide. I was confused when he suddenly moved. The next moment I knew, he was tracing over every one of them with his fingertips, lingering a little longer on some of the worse scars. When he finished, he embraced me and it felt like he’d never let go. He told me over and over that it’d all be okay, that he loved me and that he’d never let this happen again. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was the luckiest girl alive that I hadn’t sent him running when I told him, but I still felt so embarrassed about it.

“Gee?” I asked, sounding like a child.

“Yes?” he answered looking down at me.

“Can we just go to bed? Could we just watch the movie in the morning?” I was too worn out to even be excited for the movie now.

“Of course sugar.” He planted a kiss firmly on my forehead. “Want some clothes to sleep in tonight? You’ll be a bit warmer.” He ran his hands up and down my arms, feeling that I’d gone cold after our conversation.

“Yes please.” I nodded.

He went to his dresser, pulled out a pair of sweat pants and an Iron Maiden t- shirt. I slipped them on while his back was turned, and slumped back onto his bed.

“Do you want me to leave you be for the night?” he asked hesitantly.

“No. I really don’t want to be alone tonight. Could you just hold me?” I asked, looking up at him.

“Of course I can.” he lifted the blankets and scooted into the bed beside me. He hugged me from behind, nestling his head in the crook of my neck. “I love you Teigann Murphy.” he whispered before placing a kiss behind my ear.

“I love you too Mr. Way.”

I closed my eyes, thankful that one of the hardest parts was over and that it had gone much better than I'd expected.