Guides for the Pre-Engagement Life

I didn't want to go on dates with other people, but because of the persistence of our Family and closest Friends, Michael and I were set up and forced on a variety of dates. However, as we agreed upon in that counselling session, the both of us would get home on various hours of the night, prepare for bed and cuddle each other like nothing happened, and throughout the whole time, we weren't allowed say a word to each other.
Not even a hello.
But I reminded myself every single day that it was only for two weeks, and with enough wishful thinking, the time would fly by with ease. Even so, it still felt horrible.

Week One

The first week felt really weird. Waking up and going to sleep beside Michael without saying anything to him felt weird, and it didn't feel civil between us. My Mom stayed for an extra two days to supervise us, and when she left, we went on the way she left it. We didn't talk to each other, not even a smile, and it created quite a distant feel between us.
Hilary revealed - in secret - that Michael had been set up on countless of dates, but he rejected every single one of them without an explanation why, and he didn't co-operate in the process. Apparently, he went to do his own thing, but that wasn't in the pool, so I wasn't sure what he was up to while he was out for most of the day. One time, he didn't return home until midnight, which honestly made me worry about what he may be up to.
What could he have been doing for all that time?
Derek said that Michael only spent a few hours at the pool and would wander off. A few mutual friends claimed that they spotted him on his own around Baltimore, but I didn't know why they told me all that. I bet they told Michael what I was up to as well.
Lia and Derek set me up on a few dates, and I also rejected them. I, somehow, found dates on my own, but I only accepted two. Mom constantly nagged me, so I guess I decided to give the whole idea a shot.

The first date that I went on was with a Businessman, who was three years older than me, and we met at the coffee shop that I regularly went to every afternoon for lunch, and I guess, he had been around too. We collided because he was too busy talking and my coffee spilt on me, and in return for that, he took me to dinner. He was a genuine guy, so nice and caring, and he helped out on a few charity events around town too. I enjoyed his company, but I never expected much from him. We actually remained friends. He claimed that it felt weird dating someone three years younger and he much preferred having a friend due to his recent break up from a long-time girlfriend.

The second date was with a fellow Journalist, well, he was only around the office for a few days for a scoop. He was around Derek's age, and it was hard not to fall in his charms. He was a gentleman, who happened to be spontaneous. I spent most of my time at work with him because he was around my area, but we hit it off when he mentioned he was once one of Fulton's journalists. I enjoyed his company. He took me on a whole day date the day before he left Baltimore to head back to Los Angeles, and I admit, it really felt like I was cheating on Michael throughout the whole time, I figured it was because I had a sudden attraction to that guy.
Though what horrified me was when I saw Michael's expression when I got home from the date with the 25 year old, brown haired, blue-eyed Journalist, was that the guy gave me a sudden kiss on the cheek before he went on his way home. I felt like I committed a crime because Michael saw it. When I opened the door, he was there with his eyes narrowed and seemed hurt. I wanted to explain to him, but we still weren't on talking terms.
Michael disappeared that night, he didn't return home until three in the morning, and yet, he still crawled into the same bed and I woke up with his arms around me. Although, alcohol stench reeked on his skin and he sounded like he was in pain when he rolled the other way. I felt bad because he saw it. And all I heard about him was that he has never agreed on a date from anyone else throughout the whole time.

"Am I a bad person?" I sought help from my best friend. "I feel so guilty. I don't want to go through this anymore. This was a bad idea, Lia, because I love Michael and only him."
"But the way you spoke about Luke was a different thing," She pointed out.
"Luke, well, he's in LA," I reminded her. "He was a one off thing and that was that."
"You were attracted to him, Anne. I saw it, everyone at your work saw it, and I bet, Michael saw it too. There was something between you."
I shook my head in denial. "No, I'm not going to act on it. Luke was Luke and that was that," I continued to deny. On the other hand, situations were made up into my head about "what if", and I didn't like thinking about those situations, but they just appeared every time I thought about the days I spent with the other guy.
"As much as I want you and Michael to work, I have to ask you something really critical, Anne." Lia placed her hand onto mine. "If you were given a chance to pick, which one would it be? But think about it, from what you described to me about Luke, he seemed to fit your checklist that you made after you dated Kenneth. He's also a journalist, he's six foot five, has dimples when he smiles and his eyes are blue."
I lowered my head and sighed. "I know, but that was a fantasy. In reality, I want Michael Phelps," I answered with full confidence.
"Speaking of Michael Phelps," She muttered as she beckoned towards the window of the café. I turned my head as quick as I could and saw Michael walk pass, laughing and having a conversation with an attractive woman. She was blond, she looked taller than me, she had curves, her smiles were brighter, her eyes were green, her skin was shiny and looked smooth, her fashion sense was feminine and she looked very hot - enough for me to agree that if I was a man, I would hunt her down.
Oh, my dear insecurities.
"They look like they're having... Fun," I stated with a shaky tone and looked away as soon as I realized I was hurt. "No, we agreed on this, I won't think about it, I'll just breathe. Breathe, Anne, breathe," I spoke to myself as I inhaled and exhaled as instructed. I clenched the napkin by my fingers and began to viciously rip it into shred without being obvious that I was clearly affected by what I saw.
"Gee, Anne, calm down. There's no need to be like this," Lia advised as she tried to pry the shredded napkin off my grasp. She handed me the glass of water and forced me to drink, and once I finished, she said, "You have a week left."
"I'm just... Worried," I grunted. "If we don't get back together, what do I do, Lia?"
"It's between the two of you," She sighed. "I am your shoulder when you need me, but this relationship is between you and Michael. This is repairable, Anne, but I think you two just need to trust each other."
"I-I-I do trust him."
"No, no you don't." Lia shook her head as she nipped at the bread stick. "Michael doesn't trust you either. He's been bugging me the whole week to figure out who Luke was, since he claimed to have seen you two on separate occasions."
"And I've been bugging you about him too."
"You two have trust issues. It'll be fixed. Derek and I got through it, and we're happy, so I think when you two go through this, you two will be, as your Mom said, stronger than ever."
"I hope that's true."
My best friend flashed me a smile and tapped my hand. She advised me to stay strong.

I was staying strong. I just didn't know how painful it would be to see Michael with someone else. Especially when she was very, very attractive!!

That night was the end of our first week.
After I saw him with that woman, I distanced myself from him. Surprisingly, we were both home on a Saturday night, and it was only nine. Usually we'd be out and about in town. Well, I thought he would be out and about in town, but instead, we sat there in front of the television with a big gap between us on the sofa. Herman wasn't there to distract either one of us, because he was with Michael's Mom for the rest of the week because she wanted the dog to keep her company while Hilary was away.
It was around half past nine that his phone rang, and he didn't hesitate to pick it up. He began to talk on the phone like I wasn't there, and there was a wide smile on his face and his chuckle was legitimate, his tone of voice was happy and I felt like a big burden.
I didn't want to show that I was hurt, so I stood up and decided to go to the bedroom. I didn't want to hear what he was talking about, I didn't want to hear what the name of the woman was, and I certainly didn't want to hear how much fun he had with her.
It was torture. Although, the more I thought about it, he went through it earlier that week too. Since Luke constantly called me, and we sent text messages to each other and I had a wide smile similar to Michael's whenever that happened. He must've felt tortured too.
Was he just getting back at me?

Speaking of Luke, he called me the moment I walked into the bedroom.
"Hey there, Roxy," He greeted me with his deep, charming voice. It was hard to imagine why he didn't have a girlfriend. "Hope I wasn't interrupting anything."
"Oh, no, I was just getting ready for bed."
"I see, well, I'm back in Baltimore next week, because your boss wants me to help out on this big scoop again, and I thought, heck, gives me a reason to see Roxy again. So would you be keen beans to hang out?"
I felt my heart skip a beat. I anticipated his return, but at the same time, I didn't want to see him again. "Sure," I stammered. I was supposed to say no!
"But would your male friend be okay with this?" Luke knew about Michael, everyone knew about Michael and I, and the tabloids were confused on what went on when the two of us were spotted with different people. And Luke was actually afraid of what the consequences were after we went on a date and he kissed me on the cheek before he left.
"I suppose so," I muttered. "I don't even know anymore."
"I'll help you out. See you bright and early on Monday," He chuckled before hanging up.

He'd help me out?
What did that mean?

Week Two

When I saw Luke again, I felt so complete.
But I denied the attraction, the visible spark and the overflow of chemistry. I didn't like it because it made me wonder about Michael and me. Did we have the same amount?
Lia met Luke twice and only once for Derek, Hilary caught me while I ate lunch with Luke, and Michael, he and I awkwardly bumped into each other when we were with our dates. He was still around the blond woman.
Nonetheless, every night, the only person we slept beside and cuddled up with was each other. At first, after an awkward encounter on Monday, I thought he wouldn't touch me anymore, but it was Michael who initiated the embrace. Every night, when we both lie down in bed, regardless of the fact that he may have gotten home after I had fallen asleep or the other way around, he was the one to reach over for me and pull me close to him. And every morning, even though I would crawl out of bed if he hadn't woken up, when I woke up, he was always there with his face towards me and smiled when my eyes opened.

"Pumpkin, how do you feel?" My Mom questioned me as she called me afternoon at work. I sat there, spinning left and right on my chair as I held my phone close to my ear.
"I am confused." I began. "I feel worried, depressed, mixed feelings, unsure-"
"-No, I mean about Michael."
"I just told you."
"Why? Have you fallen for this new guy that you've been seeing?"
"No... Well, I don't actually know, Mom," I exhaled. "But whenever I go to sleep and I wake up in the arms of Michael, I feel so happy. Happier than when I am on a date with Luke."
"What does Michael do when you get up?"
"He stares at me and smiles. We don't talk. We sometimes just lie in bed, Mom, in each other's arms and just stare at each other."
"How do you feel then?"
"Relieved, I guess." I shrugged. "I feel relieved that he comes home to me every night, even when he's having fun with other people, I'm the one he comes home to and cuddles with. I get to wake up with him every morning."
"Do you know what you just realized right?"
I fell silent for a bit. It took me a few minutes, but I was as surprised as my Mom when I let out a yelp through the phone. "I think I may have solved my problem."
"You know what to do, Pumpkin." My Mom cheered for me before she hung up. I knew exactly what to do, but that meant having to face that hurtful conversation with Michael when I reach home and talked to him.

But first, I had to make another stop.

Luke was expected to leave on the very day that the two weeks ended for Michael and me, and we would finally be talking again. I had so much to get out of my chest. Though, Luke felt like it was appropriate to confess to me too.
It was awkward, but it made me doubt.

"I know that I shouldn't bad mouth or say anything that would make you doubt your relationship, but I'm just saying, I think that you are better off," Luke commented. We were in his hotel room because I wanted to say good bye to him and end whatever we had with each other. "I really like you, Roxy."
I stood there with nothing to say. I had my arms crossed and I was afraid that I may say something that I would regret.
"But, if you really want to stick around with that fellow of yours, then, up to you," He added as he made his way to me. He had a distinct scent that drawn me to him. I inhaled quite a lot of it every time he was a face away from me, but that time, his face was right in front of me. It wasn't long before he pressed his lips against mine.
I wasn't sure how to react. My eyes didn't close and there was nothing there between us. I began to wonder that whatever chemistry we had only existed in the outside, but the inside, it wasn't the same as how I felt towards Michael. There were no fireworks.
"I'm sorry, Luke." I pushed him away gently and parted our lips.
"It didn't feel right, did it?" He suddenly asked.
I apologized once more before I shook my head.
"I thought so," He sighed with a rather disappointed tone. "I tried, Roxy, but I guess I can't make you fall for me. However your Olympian made you fall for him, I envy it."
I leaned over and gave him a peck on the cheek. He, at least, deserved that. "I really did have fun with you, Luke. It's just-"
"-You got reeled in by a better man," He cut in as he grabbed my hands and pressed them together between his. "I'm really jealous. But I, at least, get to enjoy the memories. Besides, I told you that I'd help you out anyway."
"What do you mean?"
"I know who you are, Roxy, and who your guy is. A co-worker told me not to mingle or lead you on because she said that you and your guy are on a mini break and that I'd only hurt myself knowing you'd go back," Luke explained as he wrapped his arms around me into a hug. "I like you, but I thought that you needed a reminder that you love your guy."
"Thank you for understanding." I muffled against his shirt.
"What are you waiting for?" He pulled away from the hug and beckoned to the door.
I turned my head to check the time. It was already late, roughly around ten, and I overheard that Michael was expected to be out till morning. No, actually, I read in a tabloid that he might be prepared to go to the next base with that woman, considering that she's already kissed him on the cheek a couple of times, though, from what I heard from Hilary's random updates, she revealed that Michael's never pressed his lips onto that other girl. He said that it was considered cheating and it made him feel like a cheater.

Oh God, was I a cheater then?

I didn't have the car with me, so I took the cab home, and it took nearly an hour because Luke stayed in a hotel so far from Fell's Point. When I got home, there was no one there.
I wanted to cry.
"And this is when I admit defeat," I groaned as I tossed my house keys into the bowl and walked to the kitchen for a bottle of water. I slumped over the counter and stared into space, my mind jumbled and unsure of whether or not my bad imagery of Michael's body pressed against that attractive woman had made me feel hurt or jealous.
Everything that happened was entirely my fault. I was to blame. I agreed with going on dates with other people, I made the first move to go on dates and I nearly fell for a guy who wanted me to be with him. I led Michael to date another woman, and she was so darn hot.
I couldn't get over it.
I leaned my head against the cold marble counter and closed my eyes. I felt rather depressed just thinking about it. I didn't have a clue where Michael was, and since I got home, all I wanted to do was talk to him.

The really depressing thing about that night, Michael didn't return home...

Tension

"Do I want to know where you've been?" I frustratingly hissed as it was already noon and Michael just returned home. I was surprised that he looked like he already took a shower and dressed up like nothing happened, and the worst thing was that my mind played all these scenarios all throughout the night.
"Calm down, can you let me talk?" He calmly replied as he tossed his backpack to the side of the living room and slumped down on the couch. His body leaned back and his hand slapped over his face. "I slept at Mom's house. If you don't believe me, call her."
"So, is this how we're going to start our talk?" I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Fine," He sighed as he shuffled and sat up. He turned his head towards me and asked, "If that's the case, then how was Luke, huh?"
"I don't have anything for him. What about you? Who was that girl?" I retaliated.
Michael stood up. He shook his head and answered, "Hilary set me up. She's nice though."
"She's hot," I complained. I just couldn't resist. "What's her name?"
"I don't actually know," He shrugged. "I wasn't in it for a serious relationship, because I'm already seeing someone. I get home every night and wake up to the same girl."
"Wait, what?" I whimpered. His tone suddenly changed, from angry to a subtle one. "I thought you were angry at me?" I asked in confusion.
He shook his head. "Maybe I was, but that was when a guy kissed you on the cheek. I got angry and went out drinking with a few friends, and then when I got home and saw you sleeping, I calmed down. You relax me, Anne."
"Then, were you upset with me hanging around Luke?"
"That's a silly question. It was like Kenneth all over again. It bugged the hell out of me."
"That's how I feel about you and that really hot girl."
"She wasn't that hot. I'd choose you any day."
I got more confused. I honestly thought we'd be arguing, but we weren't?
Michael exhaled and asked, "Be honest with me, did you fall for Luke?"
"I thought I did, but then he kissed me and-"
"He kissed you?" He sounded annoyed again.
"I pushed him away. It didn't feel right. There were no fireworks." I confessed. "Did you kiss the girl you were seeing?"
"On the cheek," He revealed, and I got annoyed. "She kissed me on the lips, but nothing."
I twitched. "She kissed you?" I grunted. "I don't know how to react to that, Michael."
"You're going to get angry at me?"
"I want to ask you something. And be honest. What happened in London?"
"Oh God, you're not over this?" Michael groaned. He began to pace back and forth on the opposite side of me. "Anne, nothing happened! Why are you so insecure? I chose you out of all the women in the world. I only fucking want you!"
My eyes narrowed, my heart paced and I could feel aggression coming from him.
"Fine, you know what? I asked Ryan to teach me how to be spontaneous, he told me to do this and that, but it never felt right because I am in love with someone already!" He nearly yelled. His hands wavered about. "Anne, I love you. Can't you understand that?"
I covered my face and shook my head. I felt tears water down my eyes. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I felt annoyed at myself for being so insecure!
It wasn't long before I felt both hands on the side of my face, his lips forcefully placed onto mine as he repeated one more time.

"I only want you."