Only Up From Here

As we pulled into my drive way I took a deep breath and glanced at Brock in the drivers seat next to me. As I looked at him I was truly glad he had been around the past week. I had still thought it was completely absurd that I was this close to him. I mean to be honest who the hell gets this close to a person in a matter of a week?

“You ready to do this?” Brock glanced at me as he pulled up into an open spot outside of the house.

“Yeah I think I have to be.” I got out and stood there waiting for him.

As he came close he pulled me into a tight embrace, “You can do this! Tonight when everyone is gone you and I will take sometime to do something. OK?”

“Yeah, can we go for a ride? I miss Carmen.” I glanced toward the stables wondering if she was going stir crazy from not being ridden in days.

“Of course.” He kissed the top of my head and we headed toward the house.

As I walked in there was an awkward moment when everyone stopped and stared. Brock was right behind me but I was frozen there staring right back at them.

“Hey sweetheart. How you doing?” John kissed my head.

“Going.” I didn’t have much else to say.

“Taken good care of our girl are you?” John’s eyes furrowed as he stood in front of Brock.

“Yes sir.” There seemed to be some tension in the way they spoke.

“Good.” With that John turned and walked away. I looked to Brock with a questioning look.

“I will explain tonight on our ride.” He threw me a wink and headed to the kitchen.

I walked around my home in the absence of my family, yet so many family members surrounded me. What was I going to do with my life now that everyone was gone? I had a lot to think about but I had no idea where I needed to start. As I passed from room to room people stopped to talk with me and ask how I was. My answer was always the same, “I am alright. I will get through this I have John and a good friend by my side. I also have the support from the rest of my family.” I added a smile to the end to make it a little more convincing.

The night seemed to pass by at the speed of a turtle racing to a finish line. To be honest I was done after being there for an hour so after being there for four I was ready to go. Brock was by my side for most of the time but it still seemed as though he was never around enough. I was in the middle of talking with a family friend when I could sense someone near me.

“Mind if I steal away this lovely girl?’ I turned to see Shane standing there. It was nice to see a familiar face.

“Sorry, Meg." She nodded and walked off. “Hi.”

“Well hey there beautiful.” I could feel my cheeks flush but I was really unsure as to why. “How are you doing? Be honest.”

“I am OK. I am ready to get out of here but that will take awhile yet.”

“You look tired to be honest.” He was looking right into my eyes and I was a little freaked out with the intensity that showed in his.

“Yeah I just need sleep and that will help!”

“Well you know I am here for you.”

I nodded, not knowing what else to say. I looked around looking for someone to save me but everyone seemed to have disappeared. “Well, look I um-“ I stopped not thinking of an excuse.

“Sorry I don’t mean to take up all your time. Obviously your busy.” He didn’t sound like he was too happy with my sudden attempt for an excuse.

“Look Shane, I am sorry! I am just a little out of it and I am running out of strength to keep pretending. I need to just get out of here and be alone OK? I promise it is nothing that you are doing it is just, well, I need time.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek, “Thank you.”

As I turned I walked out the door to the stables and didn’t stop until I was in Carmen’s stall. I sat on the ground as her head came to my hands. I pet her softly on the snout and kissed her gently. “You seem to be the only one to get it lovely.”

“I will try to get it.” Brock stood in the doorway leaning against the door frame looking ridiculously handsome in his suit coat jeans and tie that had been pulled apart.

“Thank you but to be honest I don’t know if you will.” With that I stood and walked to the door. “I will be right back I am going to go change.” I turned and walked to the house.

When I came back fifteen minutes later Carmen and Starlight were saddled and ready to go. I couldn’t help but smile at Brock as he stood petting them both.

“Thank you.”

Brock turned, “For what?”

“Saddling them up.” He smiled as I walked to him.

“I’ll help you up.” He laced his fingers together and looked at me waiting.

With a smile I raised my foot to his hands and he lifted me up enough for me the fling my other leg over Carmen's back. As I grabbed the reins he jumped up on Starlight and smiled at me. “Ready?”

“Yes, lets go!” With a light tap to Carmen’s hindquarter we were off. Racing through the field to the edge of the words. The wind whipping through my hair stinging my eyes. I didn’t know that tears had begun to fall until I slowed slightly for the corners but it felt good. I felt on top of the world. For once I felt as though I was in control again. As we reached the peak forty-five minutes later I slowed Carmen to a walk and finally stopped her.

I hopped down and walked to the edge just standing there looking out over the valley I felt a little lightheaded and decided to sit. My legs dangled over the edge and I could kick small rocks and watch them fall until I could not see them anymore. I felt Brock sit behind me and wrap his arms around me. His legs dangled next to mine and for the first time in a week I felt safe, I felt comfortable, and I felt relaxed.

“It is going to be OK.”

“You know you really can stop telling me that. I have gone through this before and I know what happens.”

“You have never gone through this with a friend like me by your side. I am going to tell you everyday, every night, and every waking moment of the rest of your life if I have to. You need to remember that you have people that love you.”

“I never forget.” I thought about John and what he was going through. “I know what you and John think of me and I am happy to know you two care.”

“It is not just us you know.”

“Well of course I mean I have my other family to and other friends.” I didn’t see where this was going I felt like a five-year-old going through this stupid skit with my parents.

“What about Shane?”

Ah, NOW it makes sense! “What about him?”

I felt Brock’s arms pull me back to lean against him, “I mean he was at the funeral and the wake and I think he is still at the house waiting for us to get back.”

There was no way Brock was telling the truth, “I don’t think so, I am pretty sure he left.”

“If he did it was only because he was mad.” His chin fell to my shoulder lightly.

“He was mad? Why the hell do you think that?”

He took a deep breath, “He was mad because you didn’t ask him to ride with you. Instead you asked me and believe me I got an ear full.”

“An ear full?” I turned to look at him.

He looked down at me and his lips fell to a frown, “Yeah he told me that I should stay away from you because right now you need someone who was going to stick around. Apparently he thinks I am going to leave when this whole thing is said and done. He also told me that since he lives closer he can keep a watch on you. He just told me basically that I needed to go back to my girlfriend and stop trying to 'get with you' when you are down.”

My face feel, “You have got to be kidding me.” I was shocked but then again it made sense.

“I just want you to know I am not planning on leaving anytime soon. I am not planning on 'Getting with you' in the way he meant either. I mean I put my relationship on the line to be here with you. Which in the end was a good thing because now I know she is not right for me.”

“Thank you, I am always going to feel bad because that happened I mean I get that it was good I am just sorry that maybe it was only bad because of me.”

“If you and your situation had not brought it out now it would have come out down the road. If that happened then there would have been a divorce and wasted years and money. None of this is your fault.” I turned and looked out over the valley again.

“OK” That was the last thing that was said. We sat together with his arms around me and me leaning on him. My mind seemed clear for the moment and that was all that mattered. I realized I had a good friend in Brock and he was not going anywhere, I was stuck with him whether I wanted him or not.

I was completely OK with that. . .