Broken Strings and Broken Dreams

"Your father and I have been seeing each other for the past 2 months now." She answered and my vision went white for a second. I heard Alex take in a deep breathe from next to me.

"Oh, well I don't get to see him often so I'm sorry for not knowing about that." I apologized and looked over at my dad who was looking at us with the most hope I've seen in a long time.

Lana shrugged, smiled, and then pulled me in for a short hug. "I'm glad I finally get to meet you, Madilynn." She whispered before pulling away again.

"We wanted to tell you something, actually." My dad said, standing up with his now empty glass of wine before he walked over to the sink and set the glass down.

"Oh, tell her already!" Lana grinned at my dad and he returned it with a small kind smile.

He took a deep breath and I rolled my eyes. "Lana is going to move in with us." My dad suddenly blurted and my eyes went wide.

I just fucking met this lady and now she's moving in?

I didn't say anything and when I felt Alex nudge me, I took my eyes off the ground and looked around at them all.

Be happy for him.

"Uh, awesome!" My voice waivered as I tried to think of something to say to him. "Yeah, that's, uh, really cool. When?" I asked.

If possible, Lana's face lit up even more. "Oh, in a week. I'm so happy that you're okay with that!" Lana gushed and I felt a dull pounding form in my head, unsettling my stomach.

I didn't say anything. I smiled, nodded, and turned, darting for the bathroom. I heard Alex cough from behind me and sputtering off a 'nice to meet you' and running after me. Everything I had eaten was now in the toilet and I groaned as I let Alex in, only for him to almost dive down next to me.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he cupped my cheek in his hand, turning my head to look at him. I shrugged, because honestly, I didn't know. I wasn't feeling sick before but obviously that's changed. "Come on, let's lay in your room and I'll take care of you." He comforted and I smiled up at him in appreciation.

It's been a long time since I've had anyone take care of me while I've been sick. So we stood up and made our way up the stairs and into my room where I hurried my way under the covers. "Yeah, just lay down." Alex ordered and I rolled my eyes.

"Don't have to tell me twice." I muttered and Alex smirked. "Oh hush and lay down with me." I said a second later when I realized he was standing in the middle of my room.

He grinned and followed suit, taking his skinny jeans off first before he was behind me and I was curled into his chest. "You know, you're such a tease when you wear your pajama shorts and a tank top." I heard after a few minutes. I had changed earlier before Alex got here and threw on my pajamas just because other real clothes didn't seem welcoming.

I shrugged and for once my imagination drifted off to what was pressed against me. All that separated Alex and I was his boxers and my shorts, and me of course. "Too bad I'm a prude." I joked and Alex squeezed me tight.

"Just because you're a virgin, doesn't mean you're a prude, it just makes you smart to wait." He informed, a lot more serious than I had intended.

"It also makes me not know shit about doing it." I whispered the last part, too shy to say the actual word.

Alex grinned. I buried my face into his chest as a rumble went through his chest as he laughed. "I can show you." He said suddenly and my face shot up as I got a good look at him. He made no sign of joking as he looked at me and I gulped.

"I, uh, n-not, uh, right now? I mean, uh, I don- I mean, um, n-," I tried but he beat me to it when he burst into laughter as I stumbled over my words.

I'm not ready for that.

"I meant when you're ready. What, did you think I was just going to be like, 'hey, we've been going out for a month and a half, wanna fuck?' I think I have better gentlemanly manners than that." He laughed and my face turned red.

The second he said it, I felt a loud sudden thud in my stomach like my heart dropped.

Of course not, why would he want to now.

"W-what if, uh, I wanted to...right now?" I whispered barely audible and Alex sure as hell didn't miss it because within a second, I was flat on my back and Alex was straddling me, holding my arms to the side.

"Do you?" He asked and I stared wide eyed up at him. With an ounce of courage I shrugged, sending a small smile onto his face as he leaned down to kiss me. He'd never kissed me like this before. He was right on top of me, pushing himself closer, biting my lip. It was all new and I could feel a pressure in my lower stomach as the seconds ticked on.

It wasn't just me though. I could feel Alex. He was right there. I could touch him right now but I knew I wouldn't. He was pressed up against my stomach due to his position but my mind was running wild.

Am I ready to give it up yet?

My gut was saying, 'fuck yeah, let's go!' while my brain was saying, 'a month and a half' and it was starting to make me dizzy when I realized that we'd been kissing for almost 10 minutes now, according to the clock next to my bed.

And then Alex stopped and I felt giddy because obviously, I was turned on. I had gone to health my sophomore year so I did know some things, it was just awkward.

He was staring down at me, almost like he was debating something and then all of a sudden he was up on his face and at least 5 feet from the bed, still staring. "We can't," he finally said, making my eyebrows wrinkle up in confusion. "It's too soon. I know you're not ready." He finished and I sat up, my head hanging low.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and he sighed.

"Don't you ever say sorry for not just agreeing to have sex. The reason why I don't feel right is because I can feel you holding back and that's normal. It'll be your first time and I want to make it special for you. I want to do things the right way."

I was looking up again. He was closer than before and before I knew it, he was on his knees in front of me. "Do you know how much you mean to me, Madilynn?" I heard him ask after a several seconds. He moved his right hand up to cup my cheek as I moved my eyes to the ground.

I shook my head. He scoffed. "I don't know how you don't. The guys see it, they tell me what I look like when I stare at you sometimes and now that I think about it, I wonder how you haven't." He started.

"You're the only girl that I've been with where I've felt like this. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you and say I've never loved a girl before because I have. It's just, you make me nervous. You're quiet and small and the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. When I first met you I tried to think of why I never noticed you before because I could have had all of this already, for months, or years, all of you and it drives me insane."

My eyes were wide. "Really?" I whispered and he cracked a smile before touching his lips to mine briefly. "Of course." He assured me after he pulled away.

"I love you, Madi. I know it's a little soon but I do and I want you to know." He finally blurted and I felt my cheeks heat right up. "You're...perfect, Madi. Perfect for me, anyways. It's like we're two puzzle pieces that were meant to be put together." He added on and I felt like I was going to faint.

Good thing I'm on the bed.

That thought was quickly tossed to the side when I realized what he actually said though. He loves me. He actually said he loves me. Me! I wanted to smile, to grin, to yell and shout out how happy him saying that made me. Like my heart swelled up 3 sizes.

He was starting to look iffy when I didn't say anything though and I bit my lip. Did I love him? Did I know what love was?

---

"Mom?" Little 10 year old me asked. My mom was cooking dinner, like she always did.

"Yes, dear." She answered and I bounced around in the bar stool seat, the one I was told specifically not to bounce in. "And what have I told you Madilynn, stop bouncing around in that chair, you can hurt yourself." I stopped and slammed my hand down on the book that sat in front of me.

She looked over at me disapprovingly but finally stopped what she was doing and looked at the book Peter Pan. "Why would she leave!? She loves him!" I screeched making my mother laugh.

"She loved her parents too though and didn't want them to worry." She explained for probably the thousandth time since I first read this book when I was 5.

I looked up at her incredulously. "But what about him? She took all of his friends and everything!" I complained again, causing her to sigh. "You told me you don't leave the people who love you and who you love back, so why did she?"

"Because she realized she had things to take care of at home. Her parents loved her too and wanted her back and she had to think about that too. You don't leave the people you love but sometimes there's a choice, and you can't have both." I hmm'd.

She began on dinner again, stirring the noodles that would soon be spaghetti. "Hey mom," I questioned again and she looked over, showing I had her attention. "How do you know you love someone?"

She didn't answer right away but I stared up at her anyways. "When I met your father he was the single most sweetest thing I'd ever met and I knew it from the beginning that I loved him. You see Madi, it's different for everyone. My heart swells up still when your father says he loves me and that's how I know I still do. There's no specific way to know, you just do."

---

I looked up at him, like really looked and I felt my heart race when our eyes met. It made me smile, the leap that my heart took and I knew. The butterflies flying around in my stomach told me and within seconds I had my answer.

"I love you too." I said, attempting confidence as I sat there and when I glanced up again, he was smiling so big, it looked like his mouth was bigger than his face but all the same, the next second I was off the bed and he was spinning me around in circles.

When he finally stopped and we were stable once again, he was still grinning down at me and went on my tippy toes to kiss him.

"You'll never know how happy I am to hear that."