A Lifeless Dream

When Jimmy came I got into his car and he started driving towards my home not once saying a word. I was sited with my head leaning to the window silently crying. How could he do this to me? After everything that happened he chose her and not only that but he told her about me. He knew that it was hard for me to say it even to Lucy and he goes and tell it to some stranger.

I wanted to shout and scream and hit something so hard that would break my bones…maybe then my broken bones would ease the pain of my broken heart. I didn’t even have the chance to give my heart to him and he took her in his hands and smashed her into million pieces.

The car pulled outside my driveway but I didn’t move. We sat in the silence not saying a word both looking the road. What was I supposed to say and what Jimmy was supposed to say. He knew what this meant…my time of waiting was over it was time for me to leave.

“You could give him another chance…maybe” Jimmy mumble breaking the silence

“No…not after this” I said still looking ahead of me

“But…”

“No Jimmy…I promised to give him a chance and look what he did…and you promised that you would let me do this if he failed” I turned to look at him

“I know…but we became fond of you…not just me but everyone even Brian” his eyes were pleading me but I didn’t have a choice

“I bet he is going to be the first to forget about me” I shook my head

“Don’t say that…he cares” No he doesn’t

“Can’t you see that he is not? He only cares about his fucking self…he cares more about his hair than me” I snapped and I regretted it immediately

“I’m sorry Jim” I sigh

“It’s ok” he gave me a small smile which I tried to return but failed

“Look…I just need some alone time…I will call you tomorrow maybe the day after. Tell Lucy that I’m fine and please do not tell her that I’m leaving I want to be the one that tells her that” He just nodded and I opened the door and got out of the car

I got into my house and as soon as the door closed I collapsed onto the ground sobbing. My feet couldn’t hold me up anymore. I felt weak emotionally and psychically… that wasn’t me. I wasn’t the one to cry for a guy but Brian was different. My feelings for him were and still are strong. I love him I really do and I can’t imagine my life without him.

After I cried and cried and cried ‘till I had no more tears I started to become angry. Angry for believing him and letting myself get hurt. I shouldn’t have said yes to lunch when I met him. I should have kept my mouth shut and go…I shouldn’t even talk to him that day. Stupid Alicia.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I got up from the floor and walked towards the kitchen. I opened the fridge and got out a bottle of beer that was stuck in there for two weeks. I took once sip and then I just throw it in the wall making it shuttered into pieces like my heart did a few hours ago.

After the bottle I just got all the glasses and plates and started throwing them on the floor one by one angry tears running down my cheeks while doing it. I was trying to get all the pain and anger I had in me…in smashing things.

I moved to the living room sat on the couch and placed my head in my hands massaging my temple in order to relax. Then his face came into my mind again…that look he gave me before he lowered his head and moved closer to her. I took the vase that had flowers in it and throw it on the floor making it shatter and the water along with the flowers spread to the floor.

I was furious I don’t know what had gotten into me it was like somebody else had taken over my body. I felt so strange. Have you ever felt like your heart is aching so much making it hard for you to breath? That was how I was feeling right now and smashing things was making the pain ease just a little bit. Every little think that I smashed was a new breath to me when it was finally shattered I couldn’t breathe and I needed my breath.

I got into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy…my hair was a mess my makeup was smudged but that was in the last of my cares right now. I couldn’t stand to look at me…I let out a scream and smashed my hands to the mirror breaking it.

My hands were slightly bleeding nothing too major and I wrapped a towel to each one of them. A wave of nausea came to me and I lean to the toilet throwing my guts out. After I let everything out I got up with the little strength that had left in me and brushed my teeth.

My strength left me and I collapsed to the floor lying down my hands around me hugging myself while staring blankly at the door. I couldn’t move I didn’t want to move…I wanted to stay here for the rest of my life just staring at the white plain door.

Sometime while I was staring at the door which was for me now the best think ever I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to someone knocking on my front door. I didn’t bother to open…I told Jimmy to informed them that I want to be alone so I just kept staring at the door.

I felt weak like I never had before…even when David had hit me I didn’t felt this weak... It was like I had abandoned everything in me. Even my will to stand up pack my things and moved far away from here.

The banging stopped and I was relieved that whoever was left…but that was only for a minute before I heard a voice yelling my name. No, not that voice. What is he doing here? I felt his voice coming closer and closer and after a minute I saw his feet entering the bathroom but I didn’t bother looking up.

“Oh My God Alicia! What did you do?” again I didn’t answer

“Come on let me help you up your arms are bleeding” he came to pick me up but I didn’t move…I couldn’t even felt his hands on me neither his arms that lifted me from the cold floor and carried me to my bed.

Without saying a word I laid down on my bed where he had placed me and I felt him moving to one room to another while I stared at the ceiling. He cleaned my cuts but I didn’t felt a think as he purred alcohol on them and bandaged them. When he was finished he took a step away from me.

“Alicia talk to me” his voice was like daggers to me

“Leave…” I spoke for the first time my voice low barely audible

“What?” he asked but I didn’t look at him

“I said leave Brian” I could feel my eyes burning with tears

“No please just listen to me” he pleaded me but I shook my head and found the strength to get out of the bed

I calmly walked down the stairs and saw the mess in my living room and kitchen. Without a second glance I moved to the front door and opened it. I knew he was following me I could hear his heavy footsteps behind me. I waited for him to get out but he didn’t he stood there and stared at me.

“Can’t you just understand that I don’t want you here?” I said with a hard voice

“You have to listen to me” he took a step closer to me but I shook my head

“I don’t want to listen to you don’t you get it?” I looked into his eyes…he looked hurt just as I was

“I didn’t tell her about you on purpose…I was drunk and it’s just slipped” he started explaining but I put my hand up to stop him

“I don’t want to listen to your lame excuses just leave” I opened the door wider

“I don’t want to leave dammit” he came closer and sat the door making me gasp at his saddened movement

“You have one minute then you’re out” I crossed my arms across my chest and he sigh before he started speaking

“I’m sorry ok? I didn’t want to choose her but I thought that you didn’t feel anything for me anymore and that you were with Jimmy but after the talk I had with him I don’t think you ever were with him something more than friends. I broke up with Emma I didn’t want to be with her. I’m sorry for letting out your secret to her it’s not like I had planned this I was drunk and I just started talking and talking and in some point it just slipped right out of my mouth. I would never betray you Alicia…I care about you even if you don’t believe me” he finished and took a deep breath his eyes never leaving mine.

“That’s nice but it doesn’t matter anymore” I was going to be a bitch but it was the only way for me not to break down…again.

“What do you mean?” he frowned

“I’m leaving…” I stated

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” he asked again confusion written all over his face

“It means that I’m packing my staff the ones that are not smashed anyway going to the airport buying the first ticket to Paris and going to live with my sister. Away from you and all the pain that you caused me.”

“You can’t just get up and fucking leave” he said angrily

“I can and I will Brian.” I placed my hands on my hips

“No you can’t” he said again “What about the guys? What about Lucy? What about me?” he said the last question in a lower voice

“What about you?” I question him

“What am I going to do without you?” he tried to touch my hand but I took a step back at him

“Cut the bullshit Brian…” I groaned “Stop doing this to me this is what I can’t handle…I can handle you saying that you want nothing to do with me but don’t come here and asking me not to leave because you need me… stop torturing me like that” I exclaimed getting angry at him

“It’s not bullshit…I fucking need you…I need my fucking friend” friend…

“Well I don’t need my friend…I need the man I’m in love with to come and tell me that he loves me too to hold me, kiss me be with me” I explained to him “… And with you I can’t have that because to you I’m only a friend…and I can’t watch you be with another woman than me…It kills me don’t you get it? Every time that you kiss and hold another girl a part of me dies inside…it’s like a knife that got right through my heart. I want you to be happy but I can’t see you be happy with another woman that’s why I’m leaving, for you to have your life and for me to try and have mine again…You hurt me Brian every time you kissed Emma and the times that you did on purpose because you thought I was with Jimmy out of all people…it made me wish that…that day when David was going to kill me you wouldn’t have found me” my voice was now a whisper

“Don’t say that please…I couldn’t bear to see you die…”

“But it would make things so much easier” my eyes were locked to the floor before I felt his arms wrapped around me

I relaxed for a minute in his embrace not hugging him back because his arms were hugging me so tight that I couldn’t move my hands but even if I could I couldn’t hugged him back I just couldn’t. I inhale his sent for a minute…I was going to miss him but it was the best choice right now…

“You should leave” I said my hands finding the strength to push him away despite his strong embrace.

He nodded before we walked towards the front door…he opened it and with a last glance to me he turned and walk away closing the door behind him. I couldn’t hold the tears anymore so I let them fall as I made my way upstairs to my bedroom crawling into my bed and even thought I saw it was still 4p.m I felt tired so I silently cried before sleep consumed me.