A Lifeless Dream

He didn’t answer me…he just stood there frozen with wide eyes. Were we together? Then why he didn’t tell me? So many questions and no answers… I didn’t move either what was I supposed to do? I was sure that what I saw wasn’t a dream it was a memory and no one could convince me otherwise.

I wanted to know…I felt so confuse everything felt so weird and he doesn’t talk or move. For a moment I think that he died like I couldn’t even hear him breathing. Suddenly I felt like I had enough and I got out from my bed and stood in front of him…nothing.

“Talk to me” I told him and he got out of his frozen state and looked at me

“What am I supposed to say?” he shrugged like nothing happened

“I don’t know…the truth maybe?” I cocked an eyebrow

“You saw a dream Lissa” now he was staring to piss me off

“It wasn’t a dream and you know it…it was a memory” I raised my voice

“It was a fucking dream get over it” he said and stormed out of the room

“If it was a fucking dream like you say…why are you acting like that then?” I said as I followed him down the stairs

He didn’t answer he just got into the kitchen opened the fridge and got a beer before he went to the backyard and light up a cigarette. You got to be fucking kidding me. I was sure that what I saw was a memory and with him behaving like that I was even surer about what I saw.

I followed him to the back yard and stood in front of him…waiting for him to say or do something but of course he didn’t and it was getting me so frustrated. I went back in and sat on the couch wanting to give him some space. I thought that maybe if he had a little time by himself he would think about it and tell me the truth.

I waited and waited but for over an hour he didn’t come in he just sat outside on one of the chairs smoking. I turned on the television in order to spare some time until he decide that he wants to talk to me but nothing good was on and I turned it off.

Finally he came in but it was only to take another beer. He didn’t acknowledge me at all…but before he could go out and spent another hour smoking and drinking I got up and blocked his way out. He didn’t even look at me, he was wrong if he was thinking that I was going to move before I learn the truth.

“Can you please move?” he said and looked at me

“No until you tell me the truth” I crossed my arms to my chest

“There is nothing to tell you, you saw a dream” he said raising his hands in frustration

“Really now? So you’re just behaving like that because I saw a dream?” I cocked an eyebrow at him

“Just leave me alone” he mumbled and made a move to leave

“No I will not leave you alone…you wanted me to remember and I did I remember something so could you just explain to me why we were kissing?” I yelled at him

“You saw a dream you didn’t remember anything ok? Just leave me the fuck alone!” he shouted and made his way out to the backyard once again but I wasn’t having it. I was going to learn the truth.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” he turned and looked at me with wide eyes not expecting me to follow him “I want to remember Brian I really do and I know you want it too but I can’t understand you right now. Here I am remembering stuff and you don’t help me at all instead you just drink and smoke like it’s going to help you…Talk to me you are the only one I can trust right now and you just ignore me” I continued to yell at him because right now I was so angry at him and it was the only thing I could do.

“I told you that you saw a dream now just shut up and leave me alone” he said and I was taken a back from his words.

“Fine have it your way” I said and stormed back in the living room

I went up the stairs and into my bedroom where I found my suitcase and I started throwing my clothes in it. If he wasn’t going to tell me the truth how was I supposed to trust him? Maybe he was lying to me from the start…I really didn’t know what to think. I had angry tears running down my face blurring my vision every once in a while.

I was so angry at myself for trusting him a guy I didn’t even remember…I should have stayed with Lucy from the start, I’m sure she would have say the truth to me but that’s what you get when you trust people you don’t know…or remember in my occasion.

I quickly got out of my pajamas and changed into a pair of jean and a plain t-shirt. I wore a pair of all-star before I grabbed my suitcase and made my way to the living room where I saw Brian sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. He must have heard me because turned his head to look at me.

“Where are you going?” he asked me getting up from his seat and coming towards me

“I’m leaving you alone like you asked” I shrugged

“And where are you planning to go? You know its 4am in the morning and you don’t know you way around here” well I hadn’t thought about that

“It doesn’t matter as long as I’m away from you” I said and I saw a look of hurt in his eyes

“I can’t trust you because you obviously aren’t telling me the truth so why staying here?” I asked him

“But I am telling you the truth…don’t leave now at least wait until morning” he pleaded me and I shook my head

“Do you know what I am going through right now? Do you have any idea how confused I am? My head feels like it’s going to break because I’m trying to fucking remember what happened between me and you. It’s all a mess inside my head and all I want is for someone to tell me the truth! I can’t take it anymore” I said before I broke down crying

I felt so confuse like I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. I tried to remember I really did but all I got was this disturbing headache which wasn’t helping me at all. I felt his arms coming around me pulling me into a hug but I didn’t want him to hug me…no I wanted to know the truth. He couldn’t understand how I felt right now, he couldn’t understand how it feels to want to remember and then when you do the one person that you trust is not telling you the truth.

“No leave me alone” I said as I repeatedly hit his chest…I was in hysterics right now

“Alicia calm down” his voice was calm but it didn’t help at all

“No tell me the truth…why aren’t you telling me the truth” I continued to hit his chest until I gave up and I started sobbing into his chest as he hugged me

“Shh…just calm down ok?” he said and started to stroke my hair

“Just tell me the truth…please Brian” I said after a while…he looked at me and shook his head

“I can’t…I’m sorry but I can’t” he mumbled and went to sit to the couch his head in his hands like before

“Why?” I asked and took a sit next to him…he was quite for a few minutes before he spoke

“Because if I do I’m going to lose you” he looked at me and I noticed his bloodshot eyes and the tear that escaped his eye.

“No Brian you’re not…if don’t tell me the truth that’s when you’re going to lose me” I tried to reason with him

“Don’t leave…I almost lost you once I can’t lose you again” his eyes were pleading me

“Brian” I sighed “Just tell me the truth and I promise that I will stay with you no matter what…just please tell me the truth I need to know” I said and he nodded which surprised me

“Ok… I will tell you everything but you have to listen until the end of it before you say anything alright?” he looked so vulnerable right now and I placed my hand on top of his before I gave him a small smile

“Of course Bri…just tell me the truth” he nodded and took a deep breath before he started talking

“We met two days after you got here at a bar… I had a fight with my girlfriend at the time Cynthia and I went out for a drink and I took a sit next to you…After a while I remember that you were the girl that I saw earlier on the beach we accidentally hit you with the ball me and Jimmy. You were crying when I saw you at the beach and I asked you if you’re ok and you said yes even though we both new that it wasn’t truth. So I didn’t push it further but I couldn’t stopped watching you form where I was sitting…I didn’t know why, I wanted to make you feel better to protect you. That’s why when we met that night I asked you out for lunch…as friends” he said when he saw the confusion in my face and I gave him an encouraging nod to continue

“And we got out had a nice time and then I invited you to come with me to Jimmy’s because I wanted you to meet him. So the next day we went to his place and we ended up drunk with me waking up by you and Jimmy on the kitchen island that’s when I throw you into the pool because you pulled a prank on me” he said and we both chuckled

“But something happened…You went to change into some dry clothes but I accidentally found you to the music room playing the piano…so I got in and give you to play one of our songs and as you were playing I sang the song with you but then it was like the only thing I could see was you and the song had ended. You were looking at me and I did the same to you and we started leaning for a kiss and god I wanted to kiss you but a voice in my head screamed you have a fucking girlfriend Brian…and then Jimmy came in and our moment was ruined” I couldn’t stopped looking at him while he talk and I was surprised with what I was hearing right now

“For the next few days I couldn’t stop thinking about you and for our almost kiss…So I stopped talking to you no phone calls not anything because I thought that doing that I was going to forget about you. One day Jimmy brought you to Matts BBQ that’s when you saw Lucy again. All day I kept staring at you and I couldn’t help but compare you to Cynthia she was so fake and you were so real. In the afternoon you got a call from David and you passed out…we didn’t know what happened for you to passed out back then and you probably don’t remember it but I was the one to take you to one of the bedrooms and stayed with you until you woke up because I was so fucking scared…I didn’t want anything to happen to you” He looked at me and I sent him a small smile which he returned

“When you woke up you were crying and I didn’t know what to do I just hugged you and waited until you had calmed down. Then we went downstairs were everyone was and Cynthia started kissing me…Why? Because she was jealous of you and she wanted to saw you that I belonged to her and then you left with Jimmy and I was so fucking jealous. The next morning you were supposed to go shopping with the girls well Cynthia didn’t come but you were with Lucy and me. I came to your house to see if you’re ok and I found you on your bedroom dancing and singing to Eye of the tiger and in that moment I think that I fell in love with you” he said and my eyes widened In love? With me…

“I knew something inside me changed but I didn’t want to believe it or acknowledge it because I had a girlfriend and I thought that I didn’t deserve you. The guys joined us to the mall and we were all in the food court when Jimmy placed his hand around your shoulders and pulled you closer to him…I remember it because I wanted to ripped his head of…how dare he to touch my girl. But you weren’t my girl…That night I found out about your mom and David. I gave you a ride home and you forgot one of your bags in my car so I came to give it to you and I heard you talking to him…so you explained everything and I spent the night with you because I couldn’t leave you. You fell asleep in my arms and it felt right you know?” I nodded stunned by his words

“And then that fucker came and he started threating you and you went to find him and I was lucky to saw you sneaking out and followed because really I’m not sure that you would be still alive…so I found you called the guys and the cops but he tried to shoot me and you took the bullet for me the paramedics came the minute you passed out and I was with you because I felt the need to be with you to make sure you’re ok but I had Cynthia winning all the time but I found your sister and told her to come. You were so happy when she came and I felt happy for you. After a week my feelings for you were getting out of control and even thought I didn’t want to be with Cynthia I tried to make things right with her because I didn’t want to do something and hurt you that was until I found her cheating on me. I was angry with myself for being so stupid so I went out and got drunk. I came to your house and you took care of me. The next day we fought and that’s when I kissed you” my eyes widened

“We were watching a movie and you got up to get some drinks but you got dizzy and I caught you before you fell. I just couldn’t stop myself and it was one of the best moments in my life. When we broke apart I told you it was a mistake and you thought you were a rebound girl to me and I left because I did what I didn’t want to do I had hurt you. That’s when shit when down…I stopped talking to you and you got angry and we went to my house to talk and he ended up having sex. I felt complete when I woke up I know I sound like a girl but I did but then I started thinking that I don’t deserve you I probably would do something stupid and hurt you even more. I shut you out and after a couple of days we fought again and you told me that you were in love with me and I wanted to say the truth that I was too with you but I couldn’t.” I was frozen just looking at him what was I supposed to say?

“I think the last stroke was when I brought a new girlfriend…We met at a bar I was wasted and I told her about you I mean everything even about David and your mom…I don’t know why and I’m sorry about that…We went at a club and I danced and make out with her as much as I could just to make you stop loving me you just got drunk…you wouldn’t even talk to me even though you tried to make me jealous which you succeeded you danced with Jimmy and I started thinking that you might be with him and I got angry. The next day Matt and Lucy had a BBQ Emma caught us having a ‘moment’ and she got jealous by the end of the night she started a fight with you and she made me choose you or her”

“And I made the biggest mistake of my life choosing her…The moment you left I broke up with her and then I got punch for Jimmy before he ran after you. A couple of days later I learn that you were leaving for good and I couldn’t lose you… I loved you and I was finally ready to say everything to you and be with you. I tried to stop you from leaving but you didn’t believed me when I said that I love you…I don’t blame you after everything that I made you went through I wouldn’t even believe myself. You left MY Lissa was gone so I went home and that’s when I received a call from the hospital telling be about your accident they say that you might not make it and my whole world fall apart” Silent tears were running down my face and I saw a few escaping Brian’s eyes

“I got a chance to see you after waiting in the waiting room what felt like forever and while I was talking to you your heart just stopped and I freaked out I thought you died I can’t even explain to you how I was feeling. I was more than relived when they told you make it and started to have hoped that everything will be alright. That’s it until you woke up and didn’t remember anything but you wanted to stay here with me and that meant something for me…so please I’m begging you don’t leave” he took my hands in his and waited for my answer

“I won’t leave you” I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck and his hands went around my waist pulling me closer to him.