A Lifeless Dream

It was like watching a movie only this time it was my life. I was dreaming yet it seemed like I was watching my life on the big screen. The images that flashed in my mind left me more confused than ever and maybe even a little scared.

Was that me after the accident? Something inside me told me it was…I was remembering everything. I kissed Brian? Again? I seriously don’t learn from my mistakes…and I forgave him. I mean I would sometime but I don’t think I would be able to forgive him so easily. Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t remember how I felt when he did those things to me. I had amnesia after all.

I couldn’t understand why I would want to stay with him. He did hurt me after all…someone should have stopped me. Why didn’t they stop me? Ugh this is so frustrating…I want to wake up but something is stopping me.

Suddenly it was like everything stopped and I was seeing nothing until a new image came. It was me in my car driving somewhere. Maybe it was when I was leaving…I saw lights and next thing I know my car was crushed against the road.

My eyes snapped open and I jumped from the bed covered in sweat. I quickly changed back to my clothes before I got out of the room and ran down the stairs. I didn’t paid attention to Lucy who was calling my name. I have one destination and that was Brian’s house because I wanted to know the truth.

I ran all the way there not once stopping. I wanted answers and I wanted them now…I felt like everyone has fooled me and most of all I felt like he took advantage of my state. I know he probably didn’t but it still felt like it.

I reached his house and I waited a minute to relax from all the running I did before knocking his door. He opened a minute later and he looked surprised to see me here. I look into his eyes for a moment before I told him that I wanted to talk.

He opened the door further so I could come in. It felt like déjà vu… the same thing happened when I came to talk to him after we…I don’t even want to remember that time I was left heartbroken once again.

“Lucy said that you have to tell me something about the accident…” I said once we sat in the living room

“Oh…” he simply said

“Yeah…so what happened to me that she can’t tell me and you are the only one that can?” he looked at me before looking down at his feet.

“Did you…did you find out something before you left? Something you did or didn’t want me to know?” he asked and I looked at him confused

“What do you mean?”

“When the doctor came out he said that the you had a swelling in the head and that you were going to make it if you make it through the night…but he also said that um…the baby didn’t make it” he said his voice so low that I barely heard him. Baby what baby is he talking about? I couldn’t possibly be pregnant…

“What baby?” I said my voice shaking and I got up from the couch moving closer to the window

“You were pregnant…and the baby didn’t make it because you were only three weeks long” my hands instantly went to my stomach as my eyes and he got up too, coming closer to me

“I…I miscarriage?” my voice broke “I lost my baby?” a sob escaped from my lips and I clutched my stomach tighter.

“I know how you feel-“

“Do you?” I snapped at him “Do you have any idea how I feel right now?” I said my eyes burning with tears

“I lost that baby too” he defended himself

“Then why didn’t you tell me the truth? Why didn’t anyone tell me the truth…you all fooled me” I said and looked behind his shoulder to see all of the guys there. They must have got here. “Didn’t any of you care enough to tell me the truth? You were all feeding me lie after lie. I can’t believe you” I suddenly yelled and none of them spoke.

“Lissa we…”

“No, don’t Lissa me” I said to Jimmy “you of all people should have told me the truth…I trusted you, you were like a brother to me. How could you lie to me like that? All of you…I can’t believe it “

“We wanted to…but you seemed happy with Brian and we thought that maybe when your memory come back you two could work things out” Zacky was the one who spoke this time

“I was happy because I didn’t know the truth” I glared at him. I knew I was a bitch but I was so angry that I couldn’t even see straight.

“But now you do…we still can try and work things out” Brian was the one who spoke now.

“Work things out? There are no things to work out you made sure of that. You should have said that a long time ago Brian not now…now it’s too late” I mumble the last part before I walked past him and everyone else heading upstairs to my room.

I opened the door and sat down on the bed my head resting between my hands and I let a few tears escape from my eyes. After I calmed down a little I got up from the bed and changed my clothes.

I found my suitcases and packed all my clothes before calling a cab and heading downstairs. I was planning on staying in a hotel. I wanted a few days to calm down and think about everything that happened.

I needed time to myself. I needed to be me again and for that to happen I needed to be alone away from everyone and everything. Away from all the hurt and the pain that I went through. When I first moved here I did it to find a better life but it seems that everywhere I go drama follows me. I just wanted to have a nice life is that too much to ask?

“Where are you going?” Brian asked coming closer to me and touching my hand

“Don’t touch me” I snapped and he looked hurt. “I’m going to a hotel…I need to be alone right now”

“So you’re leaving again?” he asked getting angry

“Is just for a few days” I said back

“You know what? I don’t care leave for a year it’s the only you know how to do. “He yelled at me and my eyes watered. He was right but I wasn’t going to admit that.

“Brian” Lucy said in a warning tone

“No let him finish I wanna hear what he has to say” I raised my hand to stop her “Come on get it out of you Brian”

“If you have stayed that night things would be different…but you always choose to leave instead of facing your problems. If you have stayed this baby would be alive now “Before I could understand what was happening my hand collided with his cheek

“Don’t you dare saying that it was my fault that the baby died…Do you wanna know what really happened how I was involved in that accident? “ he didn’t speak he just looked at me, his hand on his cheek “ I was coming back… I was coming back to you ok? Are you happy now does that make you feel any better? How did I ever fell in love with you because certainly right now you’re not the same Brian I met “and with that I left the house leaving them all staring at me in shock?

I got into the cab after the driver helped me put my suitcases in the trunk and he started driving. I told him to take me to the nearest hotel and he nodded before he focused back on the road. I rested my head against the window thinking about everything that happened today. It was all a big fat mess and I couldn’t deal with it. Not right now.

I needed a few days to clear my head. I just found out that I lost a baby my baby…a baby that I didn’t even know about. How could I not know that I was pregnant? I mean I was late but I didn’t think any of it because I thought that I was from the stress.

The car coming to a stop snapped me out of my thoughts and I slowly got out from the cab paying the driver and getting my bags from him before entering the hotel. It was a nice hotel not to fancy, just what I needed.

I walked to the reception and got a room for about a week. The receptionist gave me my room key and I went to the elevator and waited for the doors to open. When they did I went in and pressed the button that would take me to the floor that my room was at. Room 416.

The ride to the fourth floor went by slowly because after me a couple entered the elevator too and those being all lovey and staff didn't help my situation. As soon as the elevator doors opened I got out and headed towards my room. I found it easily and I entered the room placing my bags by the door before going to the bathroom.

I took of my clothes and got into the shower turning the water where it would be hot. I felt the water burning my skin but I didn’t care. All of the things that happened today kept running through my mind but the only thing that was seriously stuck with me was the baby that I lost.

I had another life growing inside of me and I didn’t even know. Brian was right it was my fault that this baby isn’t alive anymore. I shouldn’t have left and maybe this baby would still be alive, I would have a chance to give birth to it and see her or him growing up even if I had to do it on my own.

I started sobbing hard when realization hit me and I slid down to the shower wall bringing my knees closer to my chest. It was all my fault, I killed my baby…my only chance to be happy again and I took away it’s life not on purpose but I still did and I felt like the biggest murdered in this world. I felt disgusted with myself…If I knew that I was pregnant I would have stayed and I would have told Brian and even if he didn’t want this baby I would still have it and be a single mother. I didn’t have any problem with that…but that baby is now gone.

The water turned cold making me got out of the shower and I wore the bathrobe that was in the bathroom for me to use. I didn’t bother changing into clothes, still wearing the bathrobe I went and laid down in the middle of the bed. I stared up at the white sealing…the plain white wall that was empty of any color made me feel like even worse because I felt empty myself. Empty of any kind of emotion, I couldn’t feel anything I was numb and I hated it.

A light knock on my door pulled me out of my thoughts. I got up and frowned at the door because no one knew I was here. At least I hoped so.

“Who is it?” I asked hoping that it would be some kind of room service.

“It’s me, Zacky” my eyes widened. How did he know that I was here…I was thankful thought that it wasn’t Brian because really I can’t face him right now.

“One minute” I said and started searching for clothes to wear.

Once I was dressed I opened the door and saw Zacky standing there hands in his pockets looking around the hall while waiting for the door to open. I opened the door further and he got in without a word. He sat down at the end of the bed and I awkwardly took a few steps closer to where he was sitting.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked quietly

“Someone had to make sure that you were some place safe” he smiled a little and I sat down next to him

“Thank you” I murmured because I was embarrassed because I was a bitch to him and everyone else a few hours ago.

After that we didn’t say anything else, we just sit there in silence an awkward silence that I didn’t like at all. I wanted to talk and apologize but every time I opened my mouth to speak no words came out.

“I’m sorry” I finally burled out and Zacky turned to look at me “I was a bitch to you and everyone else and you didn’t deserve it especially you, you didn’t do anything”

“Don’t worry about it...I would have react the same if I was in your position” he said and I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Ok…I couldn’t be completely in your position considering you know what but you get what I mean” he said and I let out a small chuckle and he smiled and little before I became sad once again…

“Brian was right you know” I shook my head sadly “It was my fault that I lost the baby…if I had stayed this baby would be alive right now. All I know is to run from my problems; I didn’t think of anyone else…I’m so fucking selfish. Oh God!” by the end of my speech I was crying once again and I felt so helpless.

Zacky wrapped his arm around me letting me cry to his shoulder but I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to have someone comfort me because I brought this to myself. I felt awful and I was disgusted with myself. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I was a mess.

“You should probably lay down…You went through a lot for a day” Zacky said and I nodded before I pulled away from him and lay down on the bed.

I pulled the covers further up to my body and snuggle to my pillow. Zacky said that he would make a call and then he would leave. Not that I had a problem with him being here…I mean I wanted to be alone but Zacky didn’t do anything to me. He went to the bathroom to make the call but I could clearly hear him speaking.

“She is a fucking mess man I tell you” he told to the person he was talking to but I didn’t care that he was telling them about me “what you said was really fucked her up dude…no I won’t stay she said she wanted to be alone and you have to respect that Brian” he said sternly…so he was talking to Brian.

I didn’t listen after that I just lay on the bed and waited for Zacky to end his call with Brian. What Brian said didn’t fucked me up it just saw me the truth. It was about time that I saw the truth...even if it hurts.

“Are you going to be ok by yourself?” Zacky asked as he came out of the bathroom and I simply nodded not having the energy to speak.

“Do you still love him?” he asked carefully not wanting to upset me.

“I do” I said and my lips formed a sad smile “I don’t think I’ll ever stop…I just… I can’t be around him right now” He nodded before he said goodnight and left the room.