A Lifeless Dream

Lindsay put on some music which I recognized was some Avril Lavigne songs. I hadn’t really listened to her but I didn’t have a problem she had a nice voice and some of her songs that I had heard were nice.

We started the photo shoot with some group photos and then I would take pictures with each one of them. The first song started and it had a nice beat to it. I told the guys how I wanted them to stand before I started snapping the photos with the music playing in the background.

“Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.”

I tried really hard to concentrate but it was harder than I thought. This Avril chick sings in every song about heartbreak. I mean come on are you kidding me? Brian standing a few feet away from me posing didn’t help either but after a while I managed to block the music out as much as I could.

“I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through”

The next song started and I seriously wanted to strangle Lids for her choice of artist and songs. Thankfully it was time for a break so the guys went to change for the next photos which will be the individual ones. I took a sit on the desk and took a quick look of the photos that were already taken.

“And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love with you”

She sang again and there he was standing in front of me his eyes burning holes on me. I looked him in the eyes and our eyes locked my green eyes staring into his chocolate ones. I knew that no matter what I did I was going to be in love with him. I wouldn’t be able to get over him but I also knew that I couldn’t be with him not because I didn’t want to but because I had hurt him and I was still a mess. Why keep hurting him?

Break was over and Matt was the first to come for the shooting. I took many pictures of him and from what I saw they were all pretty good. Next was Brian and I knew it was going to be harder from the other guys. Lind’s was sitting by her desk singing lowly to the song that was playing. I was close to tell her to turn off the music and I did when the next song started and I started tearing up. If I didn’t I wasn’t going to be able to continue the photo shoot.

“Well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
she felt it every day.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.”

“Lind’s” I turned to her my eyes brimming with tears “turn it off”

“But why?” she whined and I was getting angry with her

“I said turn it off Lindsay” I snapped at her and the look in my eyes didn’t give her much of a choice.

I turned back around and continue taking Brian’s photos but I didn’t miss the look that Jimmy gave me. My nerves were getting the best of me and I was becoming a bitch which I wasn’t before. I really didn’t know what was going on with me these days.

Taking the pictures for the rest of the guys was easier. Jimmy kept taking goofy poses and the guys were mocking Johnny when he was taking his and it was pissing him off so you get what I’m saying. When we were done they get back to the dressing rooms and I had an idea so I sneak in and took a few pictures of them while interacting with each other.

I thought it was cool because their fans wanted to see the real Avenged Sevenfold and I was trying to give them that. That was until Jimmy saw me and him starting posing making me laugh and the rest of the guys to look at me strangely.

“Just keep doing what you were before” I urged them but they all kept looking at me like I was an alien

“Come on just do your think… Pick on Johnny” I said with a movement of my hand and a ‘Hey’ came from Johnny but they did what I told them.

When I was finished I went back to my desk and loaded the photos on my computer and took a quick look at them. They were all pretty good shots and it was going to be difficult to choose but I’ll manage.

I thought the guys left when I went to the small kitchen to grab a bottle of water I was surprised when I came out and my body was slammed against the wall a pair of lips which I recognized instantly crashing down on mine. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him but he was stronger than me. I tried really hard not to kiss him back because If I did there was no turning back.

“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled at him as soon as I managed to pushed him away “You can’t just kiss me and make it all better Brian” I continue to yell in frustration.

“But I want us to have a chance” he said as his right hand came to my cheek slowly stocking it with his thumb while his other hand rested on the wall keeping his body from falling onto mine. I was trapped between him and the wall and I didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing.

“I can’t…we can’t” I choked up

“Don’t say that…” he shook his head

“It’s the truth Brian. You were right…it’s my fault that I left that day and it’s my fault that the baby is dead all I do is hurt you and I don’t want that.” Tears kept running down my cheek and he whipped them away with his thumb before speaking

“I didn’t mean any of it I was just mad that you were leaving again. I am the one that keeps hurting you…Just give me a chance everything will be alright I promise”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Nothing is going to be the same again nothing you hear me?” I said before I took off running towards my office.

I kept hearing his heavy foot steps behind me and I quickly closed the door when I reached my office locking it and sliding down on the floor. I started crying loudly my body shaking with sobs that I was pretty sure he could hear because he kept knocking on my door asking me to open it.

It stopped for a moment along with my crying before I heard another voice, the voice of my best friend the one that I felt like my brother.

“Alicia, open up the door it’s me” Jimmy said in a gentle voice

“Are you alone?”

“Yes” he said and I didn’t bother standing up. I unlocked the door from where I was sitting and he got in. He closed the door and he sat next to me on the floor. I laid down my head in his lap as he started stocking my hair. We didn’t speak for a while one because I couldn’t and two because he already understood how I felt…I didn’t need to tell him.

“Everything is a mess Jimmy” I said after I had calmed down a little “I want to be with him you can imagine how much but” I swallowed the lamp in my throat “I kept hurting him and I still can’t forget that I killed our baby with me being selfish…I mean why does he want to be with me I deserve to die alone.”

“Liss-“I cut him off

“And I have no one…my sister is in Paris my mom is dead and my father tried to kill me…I should have just died in that accident along with my baby.”

“You have us…Lucy, Matt, Zacky even the gnome loves you” he said and I let a tearful chuckle to escape from my lips. “Stop thinking that way”

“It doesn’t matter Jimmy because in the end everyone leaves and I’m the only one to be left alone. I always end up alone…with no one by my side” I started crying once again

He started stocking my hair but I couldn’t stop crying. It was supposed to be my first day at work and thank god I had only this photo shoot and then I could leave but here I was in my office crying my eyes out. I thought that drama would never stop following me and I hated it. I hated every minute of it.

When I calmed down Jimmy said that he would leave and I told him that I was going to go home and try to relax for a while. I went to the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water seeing as my eyes were red and puffy in hopes that they would get a little normal. With no such luck I reentered my office this time seeing Brian sitting in one of the chairs. I thought he left?

Silently I walked up to him and sat on the chair that was next to the one he was sitting on. For a moment he didn’t see or hear me and suddenly his head snapped to where I was sitting. I turned my head and once again he locked his eyes with mine. His hand came and he softly took one of my small hands to his big one holding it to his lap.

“Everything I said that day…” he stopped for a moment and I waited for him to continue “I didn’t mean it. I don’t believe that it’s your fault that the baby died maybe it wasn’t meant to be…but us Alicia we are meant to be, please don’t take that away from us”

“How do you know that? How do you know that we are supposed to be together?” I looked at him waiting for his answer.

“I know it and I feel it and I know you feel it too so please give us a chance” he almost pleaded and I nodded my head

“Give me a few days. Everything is happening so fast…I need some time to get my head straight but I promise when I’m ready I will come to you. I just need time” he slowly nodded his head before he got up and kissed my forehead.

“You know where to find me”

And with a small forced smile he left leaving me alone in my new office.