A Lifeless Dream

Jimmy and I made our way upstairs trying to find Lucy. We heard someone sobbing from the bedroom and I knew she was there. I knocked on the door but the only things I heard was a faint ‘go away’. I stole a worried glance at Jimmy who had the same expression to his face and knocked the door once more.

“Lucy honey, open the door it’s just me and Jimmy” I pleaded with her but she refused to open

After about fifteen minutes of trying to get her to open the door both Jimmy and I were frustrated. I was close to breaking the door but everybody knew I couldn’t the door would probably break me.

“Oh come on it’s not even locked” Jimmy said and opened the door both of us going inside.

Lucy was curled up in a ball on the bed hugging a pillow close to her as she cried. She didn’t even realize that we had come in the room. I walked to the bed and sat down next to her rubbing her back gently to catch her attention.

She lifted her head of the pillow and when I saw her red puffy eyes I pulled her in a hug letting her cry to my shoulder like she had done to me many times before. Jimmy sat behind her waiting for her to stop crying enough for her to be able to talk and she did after a few minutes.

She pulled back looking at the both of us and she wiped away her tears with the back of her hands. I was hesitant to talk because I knew she was going to start crying again.

“Do you want to talk now?” I asked her and she nodded

“What happened back there?” Jimmy asked her in a gentle voice

“I think we broke up” she said in a small voice “I don’t want to break up with Matt” she cried again and we both tried to sooth her

“Honey, everything is going to be ok…alright” she shook her head

“No nothing is going to be ok…nothing has been ok for a long time now” she mumbled

“What do you mean?” Jimmy spoke and Lucy took a deep shaky breath

“Before you came here” she said to me “ugh I don’t want to remember it” she placed her head in her hands

“Hey, its ok...take your time” I rubbed her shoulder.

“A few months back…I got pregnant of at least I thought I was. I took a test and it was positive” she stop and look at the both us before we nodded and she continued “I told Matt the same night…”

“Don’t tell me that he didn’t want it” Jimmy exclaimed cutting Lucy off

“Jimmy let her speak” I whined and Lucy started speaking once again

“No he did want the baby we both did. We were so excited but on that night when we go to sleep” She stopped and I saw tears coming to her eyes “I woke up in the middle of the night because I was bleeding, Matt took me to the hospital”

“You lost the baby?” I stopped her this time

“No” she shook her head and we looked at her confused “there wasn’t a baby there in the first place it was a false pregnancy but it wasn’t just that. The doctor ran some tests and he told me that I wasn’t capable of carrying a child. I am never going to have kids and if I do the chances are very low…like 10%” I knew she was trying to hold it in but she eventually started sobbing and I had a few tears in my eyes.

It’s another thing to lose a child because even then you know that you can have more in the future but when someone tells you that you’re not going to have a child ever…that’s just cruel and heartbreaking and my heart was literally breaking seeing my best friend like that.

“So this is what it’s all about? I knew you guys were acting strange” Jimmy murmured the last thing to himself

“Yes…after that he told me that we could get over it and everything will be back to the way they were…but he started getting distant. It came to a point when we didn’t even speak and when we did we just fight. I can’t stand the fights and I don’t like it when I fight with Matt I hate it”

Jimmy tried to sooth while I spaced out for a minute thinking about everything that Lucy just told us. How could we not see that they were both acting happy and I felt a lot of worse because in all of that I put my problems first and didn’t help my best friend. I was the only one who could figure out Lucy and I didn’t because I didn’t paid attention to her.

“Alicia” A voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I turned to look at Jimmy

“Yeah…sorry I spaced out for a minute” I mumbled and turned to look at Lucy “Lucy, I’m so sorry that I was a bad friend…and I knew something was off between you two yesterday” she tried to talk but I raised my hand to stop her “You and I both know that I could have figured it out sooner but I didn’t because I put my problems first and I’m sorry”

“Alicia it’s not your fault we always acted like a normal couple in front of you guys we didn’t want you to know and yesterday it was a day when we just couldn’t pretend that we are happy but today I think it was the final stoke” I hugged her and pulled back after a minute

“So what happened today?” Jimmy being the curious one asked

“I dropped a beer bottle by accident and Matt was like ‘what did you do?’ and I told him ‘it’s always my fault’ and you know the rest I really don’t want to remember it” she shook her head and I heard a sound .

I turned around and saw a shadow by the door and I immediately knew who it was. I nudge Jimmy so he could see too. He nodded slowly and we both turned back to Lucy.

“You just have to talk ok? You were both angry everything is going to be just fine once you talk trust me”

“You don’t understand…I blame myself for all of this I know it’s my fault. I’m the one that I can’t have kids and Matt…Matt always wanted a family and I can’t give him that I can’t make the man I love happy. So maybe is better maybe if we broke up he could find someone that would make him happy since I can’t. If he’s happy then I’m happy for him too because believe me I’m tired of sitting here alone wandering if he has already found someone and one day he is going to leave me. I always wonder if he had cheated on me and I know he wouldn’t but I always get paranoid. I just…I want my Mattie back” we both were waiting for the ‘shadow’ to do something while still trying to calm Lucy down because she had started crying again

“You know I would never do that to you” Finally I thought when I heard Matt’s voice coming from the doorway

Lucy’s head snapped and she was speechless, I could Matt’s red eyes and I knew he had been crying too. Jimmy and I stood up and walked towards the door.

“We’re just gonna let you two talk” He said before we disappeared down stairs.

Brian, Zacky and Johnny were sitting on the couch drinking a beer and they all looked stunned. Matt probably told them too what had happened. Jimmy too grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat on the couch next to Johnny.

I sat down next to Brian who didn’t notice me but I could see that his mind was elsewhere. I touched his hand snapping him out of his thoughts. He smiled but deep down I knew that something was bothering him and the saddest part was that I also knew what.

“You okay?” I asked him rubbing his arm. I saw the rest of the guys where having their own conversation.

“Yeah…I’m just shocked with what I heard” He took his arm and wrapped it around my shoulders pulling me closer to him and I let out a sigh

“I know…I hope that things will be okay in the end”

He went to speak but suddenly we heard Lucy and Matt fighting we could make out what they were saying but we could hear them yelling at each other.

“Should we leave?” Johnny asked suddenly

“Let’s just go outside” Zacky answered

We went outside and everyone sat down around the table. I went to sit down too before Brian took my hand making me follow him as he started walking. We came to a stop in a place in the backyard where no one could see us.

“Brian what’s wrong?”

“Nothing…umm” he rubbed his forehead and passed back and forth before I stopped him

“Bri talk to me” I grabbed his arm and he stopped passing

He looked at me not answering while I was waiting for him to answer. Instead he pulled me into a hug; one of his hands was in the back of my neck while the other was around my waist. I wrapped my arms around his torso and rubbed his back comfortingly as we stood there.

“Brian please talk to me” I mumbled still in his embrace

He pulled back and I saw how his eyes drifted from my eyes to my stomach my flat stomach. I already knew what was bothering him but I choose to wait for him to say it.

“Nothing…really it’s nothing I just wanted us to have a moment alone” I nodded and he kissed my forehead before we made our way back to the guys.

We once again didn’t get a chance to sit because as soon as we reached the table we saw Matt and Lucy coming out of the house. We all stood waiting for them to tell us something, they both wore blank faces but I could see the smile on Lucy’s lips.

“So” Jimmy asked eagerly

“She’s not my girlfriend anymore” Matt said and our faces fell “She’s my fucking fiancée” he said and we stared at them in shock

“He proposed” Lucy raised her left hand so we could see the ring on her finger.

“Oh My God” I yelled hugging them both before everyone else followed my actions.

We stayed for a while before we left because we knew that they would want to “celebrate” their engagement after all they were fighting from more than four months they deserved some alone time.

“Do you guys wanna go out for some drinks?” Jimmy asked when we were on the drive way

“I do” Johnny said

“When do you not?” Zacky said making us laugh

“Fuck off” Johnny said at Zacky before they both laughed

“Well anyway I can’t I have plans with Lind’s” he admitted and turned to look at me “You’re ok with that aren’t you?”

“Why wouldn’t I be Zack? We work together and she’s my friend as long as you treat her right” he nodded before he said goodbye to us and left

“Are you guys coming?” I really didn’t feel like going out all I wanted to do was to talk to Brian but if he wanted to go I would go with him.

“I think we’ll pass. We’ll see you tomorrow. Bye guys” he said and we left after saying goodbye to Jimmy and Johnny.

“Let’s go get drunk Johnny” I heard Jimmy said before I got into the passenger seat of Brian’s car.

The drive home was silent except from the radio that was softly playing in the background. When we reached the house we both got out and I waited for Brian to unlock the door so we could come in.

I went upstairs and I changed into something more comfortable. Brian opened the door a minute after removing his shirt afterwards. He removed his jeans and shocks before he lay down on the bed.

“Brian? It’s only 4 o’clock what are you doing?”

“I want to take a nap. Come here…” he patted the spot next to him

I lay down next to him and turned on my side to face him as he did the same. I saw him as for the second time his eyes moves to my stomach. He hesitantly raised his hand and put it under my shirt touching the skin there. He started stocking my bare stomach as I placed my hand on his chin turning his head so he could look at me.

“I know and I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to give you this child but there’s nothing I can do now Brian” I could feel my eyes burning with tears as I remember the baby that I lost in my accident

“You could have a small bump by now” I saw a small smile making its way to his lips and I could feel my own tears ready to fall because until now I hadn’t realize how much this has affected Brian. I hadn’t only neglected Lucy but Brian too.

“I know I know…and I’m sorry” I said once again “ I shouldn’t have left” his eyes snapped back to mine “ I’m sorry that I didn’t asked you how you feel about it…I was so selfish” tears started to fall from my eyes as Brian looked at me not saying a word. “Maybe I should just go home” I wiped my tears and moved Brian’s hand but before I had a chance to get up he stopped me.

“Babe wait that’s not how I meant it”

“Maybe it wasn’t but that’s the truth I was so selfish. I did everything I shouldn’t have done” I shook my head

“Hey look at me” he placed his hands on my shoulders “that’s not why I said it…after Matt told us about Lucy I was afraid that something similar had happened to you”

“Bri I’m perfectly fine I can have as many children as I want” I stocked his cheek with my left hand

“Really?” he asked me hopefully

“Yes really” I smiled when he grinned up at me

“ I want us to have a kid someday I mean not right now but when we are ready” I couldn’t help the smile that grow on my face when he said that.

“ I want us to have a kid too as long as it is with you” he gave me a soft kiss before he spoke

“I wouldn’t dream of having kids with anyone else but you babe” he winked making me giggle.

“You better” I told him in a firm tone and he pulled me closer to him.

We laid there for a while watching a movie that was playing on TV and I could feel my eyes growing heavy and I noticed that Brian even though he was the one that wanted to nap was far from sleeping.

“Brian?” I asked to get his attention “If I couldn’t have kids…” I hesitate to ask “would you leave me?”

“No Alicia don’t you ever think that ok? I asked because I was worried not because I was going to leave you”

“Ok” I said in a small voice and he kissed my forehead as he tighten his arms around me.

“I love you” I mumbled as I slowly started to fall asleep.

“I love you too” I heard Brian say before I left sleep take over.