Somewhere in Neverland

Once everyone gets settled in for the night, Alex and I are able to retreat to the bedroom with the promise I’d made him earlier this morning lingering in the forefront of our thoughts. I never realized how much I missed the feel of his skin against mine until he’d pointed out the other day just how long it’d been since we’d been intimate with each other.

I manage to kick off my pants somewhere in between the moment Alex closes the door behind us and the moment our bodies collide with the mattress, but something just doesn’t feel right. The way his hands roam my body isn’t with the usual “take charge” attitude I’m used to; they’re hesitant and unsure.

“What’s wrong?” I break the kiss and meet his sad brown eyes.

I roll over onto my stomach so I can get a better look at him while he contemplates whether or not he’d like to tell me why he suddenly doesn’t seem very interested in sex. It’s just unlike him.

“Can we just point out the fact that you leave in three days?” He turns to face me and the sad expression on his face breaks my heart. I’d been avoiding the topic for a while, but it’s not to say I haven’t thought about it.

“Let’s not talk about it,” I pick his arm up and bury my head in his chest.

He twirls my hair in his fingers and takes a deep breath. “We gotta talk about it. What’re we gonna do when the baby comes? We can’t live on separate coasts and attempt to raise a kid like that.”

I’ve thought about this too many times to count, but somehow I can’t seem to form the words to tell Alex I’d much rather stay in California than move back to Maryland. Sure, seven years ago, I would’ve killed for any excuse to move back to Baltimore to be closer to my friends – to Alex – but I’ve built a family in California that I’m not ready to say goodbye to quite yet. Maybe not even ever.

“What do you propose we do?” I whisper, knowing full well what he’s going to say.

“You move to Maryland,” He answers immediately.

I suck in a deep breath and hold it for a moment, combing my brain for the right words. When I come up empty handed, I say it the only way I know how. “I don’t want to move to Maryland, Alex. I don’t know anybody here anymore.”

“You know me and the guys’ parents,” He retorts, but it doesn’t help. “And you know people from high school.”

I pull away and sit up, fighting back the tears I know are about to fall. “I don’t know them anymore, Alex. I know you and when you’re gone on tour, what the hell am I supposed to do? Sit around and raise our kid and wait for you to get back? I have a life in California that I can’t fathom leaving behind. I have friends there! You have friends there.”

He stares back at me with a blank expression and I know full well he wasn’t expecting me to put up a fight. I know he thought he’d get his way with little effort, but he’s got another thing coming to him. I’m equally as stubborn as he is and he’s not getting his way this time.

“So you want me to move to California?” He asks, a hint of bitterness in his tone. “You want me to just pick up and move across the country and leave everything I know behind?”

“That’s what you’re asking me to do!” I point out loudly. “Jack and Zack already live in California. Rian has plans to move there next month. It’s just gonna be you in Maryland anyway and besides, you’re not even home that often, so does it really matter that much?”

“Yes! Baltimore is my home – our home – and I don’t want to leave. We met here. Everything started here. This is where we started, Caroline! There would be no ‘we’ without Baltimore.”

I shake my head wearily and stand up to find my shorts. “I’m not moving to Maryland, Alex. If you wanna be a part of our kid’s life, then maybe you’ll come around. If not, whatever.”

He stares at me in disbelief as I shimmy my shorts up my legs and grab a pillow off the bed.

“I love you, Alex, but I can’t move back here. I have too much in California that I just can’t leave behind.”

I turn on my heel and open the door, ready to find anywhere but Alex’s bed to sleep tonight. I don’t even understand why he’s so god damn adamant we live in Baltimore. Sure, it’s a great place to live, but at the same time, so is my neighborhood in California. To be honest, I think I’ve become more attached to California than I’d ever been to Maryland, despite Alex not being there. California is my home and whether he likes it or not, it’s going to stay that way.

--

“Wakey, wakey!” I hear giggles coming from somewhere in front of my face, but I fight opening my eyes. It’s early; I can tell by the weight of my eyelids and the tiredness of my muscles, but I know once they’re up, the entire house has to be. “Caroline!”

My eyes snap open to the sound of Natalie’s voice right by my ear. She kneels beside me on the floor where I managed to curl up last night after the argument I’d had with Alex and wears a proud smile.

“Good morning, starshine! The earth says ‘hello!’” She cheers, throwing her arms into the air triumphantly. “Can you make us breakfast? We’re hungry,” She motions to Olivia, Georgia, and Gracie who stand awkwardly behind her.

“Don’t you ever sleep?” I groan, rubbing my eyes and sit up.

My back is stiff and aches relentlessly from the night spent on the floor and I know I need to make things right with Alex before I’m forced to spend another night away from the comfort of his bed.

Peeling myself off the floor, I make my way to the kitchen to find something my sisters can eat. They sit on the barstools at the island and watch eagerly as I search his empty cabinets for anything I can possibly scrape together.

“Dude doesn’t have any food,” Olivia grumbles, burying her head in her arms on the counter. “I’m so hungry I would maybe literally eat my hand.”

“Slow down there, Speed Racer,” I chuckle, pulling an un-opened box of cereal out of a corner cabinet as all four girls show signs of disgust.

I glance down at the box in my hands and I’m sure my face contorts into the same look of disgust as the girls when I notice it’s some sort of fiber and flax cereal that looks like it’s unopened for a reason.

“So, uh, how about some McDonald’s?” Georgia suggests and I immediately agree.

We break off and agree to meet by the front door in five minutes. I rush upstairs and quietly open the door to Alex’s bedroom to find something a little more appropriate to wear, but my quietness isn’t necessary. Alex is sitting up against the headboard with dark circles under his eyes as he stares at the wall in front of him. When he notices me standing in the doorway, his head slowly turns to find me.

“Rough night?” I whisper, clutching a pair of sweatpants in my hands.

He nods, but doesn’t say anything.

“So, uh, the girls and I were gonna go get some breakfast because your kitchen is empty. Do you maybe want to come with us?” I ask, unsure if he’s still mad at me for storming out last night. I figure it’s better to accept things may be awkward for a bit after a fight and still try to make things work than avoid each other at all costs.

His hand finds the back of his head and he runs his hand through his shaggy hair.

“Sure,” He shrugs. “I could use some coffee.”

I pull my sweatpants up my legs and watch as he pulls himself out of bed. Before I make it to the door to go back downstairs, his hands find my waist and he pulls me into his chest.

“I don’t want things to be weird between us because I don’t want to live here,” I say immediately and sigh in relief when his grip doesn’t loosen the least bit. “I know Baltimore is important to you and everything-”

“I’m not mad or anything,” He says, kissing the top of my head. “I was up all night thinking about what you said. Baltimore is important to me because of my history here, but Palo Alto’s important to you because of everything you have going for you. It’s unfair of me to ask you to move across the country and leave you at home alone with our kid for extended periods of time in an unfamiliar place where you don’t know anybody.”

I pull away and furrow my eyebrows as I examine his face. “Does that mean you’re gonna move to California?”

He blinks slowly and takes a deep breath. “I guess so.”

My heart pounds in my chest as a smile spreads across my face. Finally, finally, things are starting to seem like they’re falling into place. Alex is moving to California so we can raise our child together just as my dad announced he’d be fighting for custody of my four youngest sisters so they could move back home to California. Once everything gets settled, my entire family will be in one place and everything will get better.

I stand on my tiptoes and smash my lips against his as his hands find my cheeks.

“Are we gonna get food or are you two just gonna make out?”

Alex’s hands immediately drop to his sides as we turn to find Gracie standing just outside the door. I feel my cheeks grow warm and know they're bright red from embarrassment.

“Uh, yeah, we’re gonna get food,” I manage to choke out as Alex suddenly finds interest in something on the floor. “He’s gonna come, too. You okay with that?”

She smiles and nods. “Yeah.”

--

Instead of McDonald’s, we opt for a more formal sit down restaurant and wind up in a corner booth at Denny’s. The girls have their faces buried in the menus when the waitress comes over to take our drink orders.

“Can I have waffles?” Olivia asks eagerly to the waitress who’s introduced herself as Mandy.

“No, what do you want to drink, Liv?” Georgia steps in. “She’s not taking our food order yet.”

She pouts and crosses her arms across her chest. “Can I please have water?”

Mandy leaves to go get our drinks and everybody decides what they’d like to eat before she comes back with our drinks and takes our food order. After she walks away, everybody turns their attention back to each other.

“So, like what are you guys gonna do about the baby?” Gracie asks cautiously. “Are you guys gonna move in together or something? And are you gonna stop touring?”

Alex glances uncertainly at me and I give him a reassuring nod for him to take reigns in answering her questions. He’s gotta get used to the constant games of 20 questions that come with having curious younger sisters.

“Uh, actually yeah. We’re gonna move in together and hopefully get a house in California pretty soon,” All four of their faces read shocked and excited and Natalie lets out a small squeal. Laughing, Alex continues. “And no, I think I’m gonna continue touring with my band, but maybe just cut back on the amount of time I’m away from home.”

“But you’re gonna live in California?” Georgia clarifies and Alex and I both nod. “So, like if this divorce goes down how we’re hoping it does and we end up in California, you’re gonna like, be close to us again?”

“That’s the plan, Stan,” I answer, taking a sip of water. “I expect you guys to keep me company while this loser’s out of town, okay? Maybe even when he is home.”

We sit around and answer the girls’ numerous questions until our food is delivered to our table. Everyone digs in and is thankful our bellies no longer ache from emptiness.

“So are you gonna tell fans?” Gracie asks through a mouthful of pancakes.

“Uh,” Alex’s eyes find mine, but I can’t offer any guidance to him. We haven’t discussed whether or not we’d tell fans about us, let alone our baby. I intertwine my fingers with his under the table and look to him in a way to say I’ve got his back either way he goes. “We haven’t really talked about that yet, Grace. On one hand, we could keep quiet about it and then deal with whatever stories and fabrications the fans come up with and on the other hand, we could tell them and then have to deal with their nosiness.”

“But aren’t they going to nosey either way?” Georgia interrupts. “I’m not gonna lie, I’ve definitely creeped on you a few times throughout the years knowing that Caroline grew up with you and everything and I just gotta say that some of your fans are fucking weird.”

“That’s super comforting, Georgia,” He says with a straight face. “I’m so glad to know you feel this way.”

“I’m just being honest. From what I’ve seen when I googled you, weird shit pops up. Like, people are way too into your love life. Are you gonna tell people you’re with my sister or are you gonna leave it up to them to speculate about it?”

We both stare at her in disbelief. I always knew Georgia was wise beyond her years, but I never expected her to think so thoroughly about this. For just finding out about us being tied-down together for the rest of our lives yesterday, she’s clearly thought long and hard about this. She’s maybe put more thought into this part of it than either Alex or I.

“W- I don’t know, I guess,” He’s at a loss for words. We clearly have a lot to discuss later when my sisters aren’t around. “I guess we need to figure that out.”

Georgia licks her fork clean and places it carefully on her plate before folding her hands in front of her and looking at the both of us sternly. “I’d say you two have a lot of talking you need to do.”

“Thank you for pointing out the obvious,” I shake my head, but my attention turns to my phone which buzzes beside my empty plate.



I laugh at Eliza’s dramatics and can almost hear her whining. I motion for Mandy to come over to give us our check and hit reply.



“We should go. People are starting to wonder where we went,” I announce. “And we gots lots of shit to do today!”

Oh yes, today should be real fun.