Fear Itself

Chandler poked his out the door and whistled. “Queenie!” he called. “Oh, Queenie, your assistance is desired!”

Footsteps sound from down the hall, growing closer and closer. Soon, a woman entered through the door. She was older, tall, slender, with nearly white hair in a feathered, shaggy pixie cut. She was calm and poised when she entered, greeted Chandler with a gentle smile. When the woman’s green eyes fell upon me, her right hand touched her chest, right over her heart. Her eyes were unfocused, her smile slight, and a shallow sigh escaped her mouth. “Thalia,” she whispered. When I looked up at her, I thought for sure that her eyes were watering. “You’re all grown up.”

“I’m sorry,” I stammered softly. “I don’t… I don’t recall…”

“I’m your grandmother,” she explained with a subdued laugh, her smile widening when she spoke. She stepped closer and sat in the chair Chandler once occupied. As Chandler exited, my grandmother reached forward and took my hand. “You look just like your mother.”

I nodded. “Everyone says that.”

She chuckled, eyes brightening just before she glanced down to the floor and shook her head. “You sound just like her too.” A quiet sound, a lot like a muffled sob, escaped her. “Forgive me,” she sputtered. “It’s just been so long.” She sniffed back her tears and forced a smile. “Your father told me you were dead,” she added quietly. Just as quickly, her eyebrows furrowed until her eyelids closed. She huffed another sigh. “Your father,” she miffed. “That bastard.”

I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know enough about my grandmother to know how I should have responded. I tried to rack my brain for anything I may have known about her. My father certainly never mentioned her. Dean had. Dean said Chandler worked with her. Chandler studied under her, that’s why she was here. What had Chandler said… Chandler said that she was divorced and that her name was Roslyn, but none of that information proved useful to me.

“Never would’ve known he was so daft when you met him though,” Roslyn continued bitterly. “So charming, so polite. Everyone loved him, your mum included. I knew there was something not quite right about that man. There was a sinister gleam in those eyes. I never liked his eyes.” She huffed a little. “Cold and blue. Like ice. Like a frosted window. Couldn’t see through him. Like he didn’t have a soul.” She shook her head again. “Held his chin high, shoulders back like he was better than everyone else. He was always grinning like he knew something you didn’t. It’s the same way Kennedy does in those damn broadcasts. Not anymore though. Not since your mum passed. Now he’s blank. Frozen over. Just like his eyes.”

“He was trying to protect me,” I quietly defended my father. I didn’t know why I wanted to stand up for him, why I wanted to show him any compassion, but the words came bursting out of me in spite of everything.

Roslyn scoffed. “He killed you to save his own ass,” she corrected. “I don’t know what rubbish he’s been feedin’ you.” Her Scottish accent was thick and strong. She was irritated. Her mouth was fighting a scowl. “You should’ve seen the way they pitied him afterwards. Giving him four years leave to deal with the ‘tragedy.’ They give him the day off on your birthday every year, and they ‘commemorate’ you. Turned you into propaganda is what he did. He didn’t help anyone but himself.”

“I didn’t know,” I admitted meekly, dropping my gaze. What else had my father lied about? A silence hung between us, and Roslyn squeezed my hand.

“Sorry, darlin’.” Her voice was warm, gentle, and inviting. “I get… I get carried away sometimes,” she confessed. She heaved a weighty sigh. “It’s just been awhile. Besides, it’s not all bad.” I felt her fingers slink beneath my chin and tilt my head up. “He gave us you, didn’t he?” I gave her a bitter smile, a breathy chuckle, and a single tear, but she promptly wiped that away. “Oh, stop that,” she chided with soft laughter. “Don’t you worry about that nasty, bitter old man. Today isn’t about him. It’s about you.” She sat back and dropped my hand. “I think I know what’ll make you feel better, love.”

She strode over to the closet and pulled out a black garment bag. She laid it across the bed and carefully unzipped it, revealing just a sliver of white lace inside. She was smiling gently as she lifted out a beautiful white dress: a gown of soft, clean elegance. It was artistic, beautiful even, but much different Chandler’s flashy displays. The bodice was made of white, sheer, embroidered, floral lace contrasted with a draped silk skirt that met at the waist.

My eyes widened in utter awe, and the sight of the gown left me a little slack-jawed and stiff. I had never seen something so beautiful, especially not meant for me. “Look at that!” I squeaked, covering my mouth with my hands. My grandmother laughed heartily at my surprise. “Can I touch it?” I asked quietly, and my grandmother nodded, grinning when my fingers gently grasped at the smooth, thin skirt.

“Would you like to wear it?” Roslyn asked, laughing. My head jerked up at her, eyes gleaming and nodding eagerly. “Good. After all, that is why I made it.” She smiled wide and rested it down on the bed. “You put this on and call when you’re ready for me.”

She took her leave, closing the door behind her. I managed to figure it out, trying to get around all the fastenings. It was rather difficult and left me a little confused. The back was open, cinched at my neck and waist by white bows. Below the second bow was a zipper that I found was easy to close myself. It was the bows I couldn’t quite reach, so I ended up trying to hold the front of my dress up with my arms. I didn’t have to worry much about it though because a knock soon reverberated through the door.

“Coming in!” Chandler called just as he was walking in, barely even giving me a moment. Roslyn trailed behind him while he strode in, but he stopped dead in front of me and gasped, cupping his mouth his hand. “Sweet mother of me, you look flawless!” he exclaimed, eyes sparkling so much I thought he might be on the verge of tears. Just as quickly, Roslyn chuckled, and Chandler rushed toward me, cupping my face for a moment and then continuing to fuss with my dress. “I’ve never seen something so fabulous!” Chandler squealed, turning to Roslyn and fanning himself. “I might faint, I think I might faint. Quick, someone catch me,” he gasped.

“I’d rather not,” I interjected. “See, if I let go of my dress, it’s going to fall off, so you’re on your own with that, mate.”

Chandler snapped his head to me with a huff and narrowed gaze, but it soon melted into a giddy grin, and he giggled. “I can’t even be mad at your gorgeous face!” He looked me over and sighed with awe. Abruptly, he shook his head. “I need to stop. All this excitement is making me sweat,” he huffed with a shudder. “Let’s see those bows, love. Let’s see what we’re working with.” He grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me, only to squeal with delight. “Oh, Queenie, I adore this open back, it’s so subtle and sexy,” he mused. “Good thing Dean’s already drinking. Otherwise, he might stroke out when he sees you.” I grinned and laughed under my breath; Chandler hummed as he tied the bow at my neck, fiddling with it until it was straight. He did the same with the bow at the bottom. “There. Perfect.”

I let go of my dress, relieved that it was now secure. Roslyn sat down on the bed, and I turned to Chandler, now feeling a little overwhelmed by all this. My heart felt heavy and dense in my chest, warm even. I offered him a genuine smile and hugged him tight, even though I didn’t expect him to reciprocate. “Thank you,” I whispered when my lips were close to his ear. “You didn’t have to do all this you know.”

A breathy chuckle escaped his throat, and his arms loosely embraced my center. He gave a deep, gratified sigh and a hum. “But I did,” he corrected softly. “Dean has done too much for this world to live miserably, and you make him happier than anything or anyone that I’ve ever seen. So I did have to. Someone did.” Chandler was absolutely right. Even I knew that nobody else would have stuck their neck out for Dean like this. Nobody managed to get close enough to him to do so. When I withdrew, Chandler and I smiled at each other with a silent understanding. “Anyway, Blondie.” He cleared his throat. “You’ve got some friends waiting for you.”

He opened the door, and through the opening came my aunt Sophie and Avery: Aunt Sophie was grinning and ecstatic; Avery wasn’t grinning, but I could see the subtle upward curve on his lips. “Oh my goodness!” I squealed, rushing over to give them both elated squeezes. “You came! Wow!” I laughed, and even Avery seemed to crack smile. “This is all happening! It’s so brilliant!” I mused with even more laughter. I could barely keep myself still. I felt my bare feet practically bouncing against the carpet. I giggled some more, unable to contain my glee, and I looked at my aunt with a surprised grin. “Aunt Sophie, you look amazing!” I gasped. “And Mumbles, might I say you pull off a suit rather well.”

Avery huffed a breathy laugh and looked down at the floor. His hands were shoved in his pockets. My aunt couldn’t keep the grin off of her face when she beamed at me. “Tali, you’re getting married!” she exclaimed.

“I know!” I squeaked, flailing a little, trying to control my breathing, but all I wanted to do was hyperventilate, as strange as that sounded. My heart was racing in my chest, and everything felt warm and light and perfect.

“You’re marrying Dean Cassidy,” she continued. “The Dean Cassidy. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I laughed a little, rocking back and forth on my heels. “Well, you see, it all happened rather fast—“

My grandmother chuckled. “I just find it impressive somebody managed to rope him in, considering his penchant for chatting up anything in a skirt.” Avery snorted, which reminded me. I gasped and grabbed his arm, tugging him to my grandmother.

“Grammy, this is Mumbles—“ I paused. “Erm, Avery,” I corrected, grinning sheepishly. “Mum took care of him when he was small, and now, he takes care of me!” I explained hurriedly.

“Well, that’s just lovely,” Roslyn commented with a soft smile. “Amelia did always have quite the selfless streak.”

Avery huffed another laugh. “Yeah, but you didn’t wanna mess with ‘er,” he joked.

“Where do you think she got that from?” Roslyn chuckled, smiling at him. “My daughter wasn’t taking shit from anyone.”

I smiled over the exchange, absolutely thrilled to see everyone getting along really well. Even Avery seemed at ease, and he was shifting uncomfortably in his suit. Granted, I didn’t think he had ever worn one in his life. “Pardon me,” I interjected, unaware of where the conversation had gone, but everyone stopped talking and looked at me. “I’d like a word with Mumbles.” I paused when I noticed nobody seemed to move, so I added, “In private, please.”

Though seeming a little reluctant, Chandler, Sophie, and Roslyn exited. I was sure Chandler raced off to go tend to something else at that point anyway. He seemed busy. Once the door was shut, I gave Avery a soft smile. “Mumbles, sit please,” I requested as I sat on the bed, tapping beside me. He sank against the mattress beside me, looking at me expectantly, waiting. I took a deep breath for composure. I wanted to ask, maybe even needed to, but that didn’t make it any easier or less awkward. “So um,” I began, stammering. I had to stop to swallow the lump in my throat. My hands were clasped in my lap, trying to keep from fidgeting.

“As you know, my father couldn’t be invited, and I don’t really think he would have come even if I had asked…” I sighed. My eyes focused on my hands instead of Avery. “So, I don’t have anyone to give me away, and I know that we’ve only recently gotten close, I just…” I paused again to clear my throat, trying to ignore the empty feeling in my stomach. I finally fought off the jitters and managed to glance up at him. “I wanted to know if you would do it because nothing would make me happier than having my first and oldest friend walk me down the aisle.” He didn’t react right away, so I widened my smile a little. “I know you’re not all that fond of Dean, but it would mean the world to me. Will you?”

Avery didn’t hesitate when he wrapped me in a hug. “‘Course I will, Princess,” he grumbled, but it wasn’t an angry grumble, not an irritated one. That was just his voice. Sometimes, it was nice being the only one that understood that.

Mid-moment, there was a knock on the door, so Avery and I let go of each other. “Sweetie, I forgot your shoes,” Chandler called in, smiling at me. Avery and I exchanged a glance and nod. I took his hand briefly and squeezed it, mostly for my own comfort. As Avery started to leave, Chandler stopped him. “If you’re walking her, be at the back door in fifteen. This is go time.”

When Avery disappeared, Chandler shuffled straight for the closet and returned to me with a pair of nile blue, peep toe heels, adorned with a crystallized flower. “I know you’ve never worn heels, but you’re going to look like an exotic Amazon if you put these on, so try not to break your ankle,” he instructed as he wiggled the things onto my feet. “Oh, good. They fit,” he sighed. “You know, I walked around in these for three days to break them in for you. That was hellish, let me tell you.”

I giggled, but before I could comment, Chandler pulled a small glass bottle with clear liquid and silver lid. He popped the lid of and pressed the nozzle in, first spraying it on my wrist. “Do you like that?” he asked, waiting as I sniffed my wrist. I was initially hit by the scent of ripe blackberries and soft flowers, but it soon faded into vanilla. I smiled softly and nodded. He soon applied it on my other wrist, behind my ears, and in the creases of my elbows. He finished by sprayed the base of my neck and spritzing just a little in my hair. He told me it was just enough to make the scent noticeable without choking anybody.

“Are you ready?” he asked me, smiling softly.

I took a deep breath and nodded, despite my quivering muscles and fluttering stomach. “Ready as I’m ever going to be, I think.”

“Fabulous,” Chandler comment in a bit of a rush, extending his arm for me. I took it and he led me out of the room, helped me down the steps, and left at the back door with Avery, separated from his backyard by double french doors. I could see people lined up out there at a glance, wearing suits. I thought I saw Alex’s familiar messy coif of hair, but Chandler interrupted my thoughts. “You stay here. When you hear Gabe start playing guitar, you can make your fabulous grand entrance. No worries, okay? You’re going to be great,” he assured me, softly squeezing my shoulder before he chirped, “Toodles!” Just like that he disappeared out the door and into the yard.