Your Forever Is All That I Need

Kellin’s POV

I felt devastated, mad, anxious, everything that made me want to tear my fucking hair out. I know, knew, what I did was wrong. I was stupid and selfish about myself. I didn’t care about anybody’s feelings, Kyle’s particularly.I should’ve told her the truth before this bullshit happened. The fact that it got about of hands, the fact that I was acting everything out, the fact that I was just actually pretending but I didn’t realize it until now, until Jesse asked me about it. I fell for her already. I love her way too much that I did not realize it was all a dare thing for me, for us. It was like, I was possessed that I have forgotten everything that happened on the first place. It was not real at all when I thought it was, when I felt it was all true. She was the best of me and I was the best of her. We were the best for each other.

I just can’t take the pain I gave to myself, I didn’t thought of the consequence that I’m going through all because I hid everything. I never thought of the dare again as soon as I fell in love with her, like for the real thing. My love for her was real, although it was all a deal. I pretend for her, to her.

“Kellin, I’m sorry dude.” Jesse came down to the basement. I knew it was not his fault that he brought it up, it’s all my fault. I closed the deal, the dare. I agreed with it without thinking of the possibilities that’ll happen after it. I never thought of the pros and cons.

“Don’t be. It’s all my fault. I’ll fix things tomorrow.” I portrayed a fake smile. I knew I won’t fix things that easy especially I broke the girl-of-my-everything’s heart. Do you really think you’ll fixing things that easy huh asshole? I can’t, I’m not superman. I can’t fix things, I can’t be a hero. “Now, let’s just practice for the tour or whatever.” I stood up and made my way to the mic stand, everyone else moved, got their guitars and bass and sat at the drums.

“One, two, three, four,” I stated then we all started playing. I was singing shitty as ever. I tried emptying my mind from everything. If only I could turn back time and tell Kyle everything before I felt what I really feel for her right now.

“Do you guys want pizza?” I suddenly said in the middle of a song. Everyone thought I was just joking around. “Do you guys want pizza?” I repeated. I knew they like pizza who doesn’t?

“I do!” Justin raised his hand. He was the only one who wanted pizza. Everyone on the band felt like shit, they knew what happened earlier, and as friends of Kyle and I, they felt devastated as much as I do. Right then Justin and I ordered pizza, 3 boxes, in case those 3 changes their mind (I know they will). The pizza came and we all had pizza party. It was really kiddie shit. But it was the only thing that made me happy for the moment.

It was not all just pizza party, we smoked weed. All Justin’s idea. He smokes the most in the band. He likes weed, he just really likes them a lot. We all tried it, we tried to smoke weed, it was like there’s no tomorrow. 30% of my brain, have forgotten the problem, I don’t think I could forget it completely. It just too much to take in, too much to forget about.

“Kellin, I need to talk to you.” Jesse and I are not really that high unlike Justin and Jack. Gabe’s trying to keep everything in place or he’s dead to his girlfriend. Jesse and I went to the kitchen again. I knew he was and is going to talk about earlier, for me I was wanted to sleep everything off and fix everything in the morning like talk to Kyle, think of something to surprise her or give some stuff, I’m just not myself at the moment.

“About earlier—”

“Can we not talk about it? I’m trying to forget it as of the moment.” I rolled my eye. I just felt like I need to tell it right away before he gives me lecture, when on the first place he gave out the idea of daring me to date Kyle.

“You can’t just forget about it Kellin. You need to do something about it.” He poked me hard on my chest. “I know I was the one who made this all up. But you can’t forget about it and just have fun when actually there is something, someone, else out there that needs you. She needs you. Kyle needs you and I know you want her back too but doing nothing will get her back to you, Kellin. You can hide from your consequences okay. This is my consequence of telling you the dare and I am facing it. I am doing it for your sake and Kyle’s sake.” He’s right, I should face it. I was just scared, afraid of what I’m going to do next it’s either Kyle will leave me or she’ll forgive me, when I know she’ll never do.

“She’ll never forgive me. Do you think she’ll ever forgive me for this?” I chuckled.

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.” I feel that if I do this or that I will mess up things more that would make Kyle leave. And I don’t think I’ll ever cope with the fact that she’ll be gone. I just can't shake the thought of losing her.

“I-I’m afraid. I’m afraid that she’ll leave me and go somewhere far.” I held back the tears. I needed to, I’m a god damn guys. Guys don’t fucking cry. “I just love her so much that I don’t think I’ll live if she’ll leave.” I added.

“But like what they said, if you love them, you should set them free, let them go. She did the move. She have let you go.” He explained. What does he mean she did the move? What move, the move of setting somebody free?

“What do you mean?” I narrowed my eyes to Jesse.

“Kyle left.”