Losing Him Was Blue!

When everyone stopped arguing… finally.

We all moved to the dining room for our dinner. The dining room was through the swinging doors off the right hand side of the kitchen, about 2 feet from the patio, the door with the large Santa hanging off of it.

There was a large 20 person dining table set in the middle of the room, with matching padded chairs. Plates, forks and knifes, covered the table along with a table cloth and all the food was sitting on top of it when we entered. Lucia and Carter were sitting at the kids table across the room, with their plates out in front of them.

We took our seats and got comfortable as the staff came out and lit the candles on the table and brought out the turkey and roast beef on the plates. Once we got the food on our plates, Mom spoke up. Her and Dad were at either heads of the table. Claude was sitting on my right, towards the kids table, Farrah on my left, Jeff on her left, and Matt and Arianny across the table from us. Rohan was on my Mom’s right and Carrie was next to my Dad.

I felt it was very planned out, and no one sat beside someone they didn’t really want to. “I just want to say, that I am very happy to have all my kids here for Christmas. I miss all of you dearly and I want us to keep in touch,” She frowned, taking Rohans hand in hers. Dad clinked his glass and stood up, a goonish smile on his face. We all had wine glasses full of cherry wine. Delish.

“I agree, Ali,” He held out his glass. “I hate that we are all spaced out and far away from each other. Matts in Foxborough, Farrah is in Australia and Emily is living with her new boyfriend in Philly,” I reached under the table and held Claude’s hand tightly in mine.

Matt instantly looked at me and then at Claude and narrowed his eyes harshly. What was his deal? I pulled up my simple grey strapless dress and stood up, with my glass to join him. It started a chain reaction, before I knew it; everyone was standing with their glasses out. “Cheers,”

A chorus of ‘cheers’ was heard and soon we were eating and chatting amongst ourselves. Matt wouldn’t stop glaring at me.

Mom spoke up when Farrah was sipping her wine. “Farrah, sweetie, watch the wine, you don’t want a baby with FAS, now do you?”

“It’s wine and I am not chugging it, calm down,” Farrah rolled her eyes. “This is why I moved out,” And so it begins. Mom basically told her that she can’t drink and be pregnant and that started them on a tangent about drinking during pregnancy. Dad and Carrie were having an argument of their own, apparently Dad was talking with Mom and she didn’t like it, so my Dad was arguing about their divorce.

“I’m going to need something stronger,” I huffed, getting out of my chair and heading into the kitchen. The staff was standing like guards at Buckingham palace by each doorway. I sat my glass on the counter and started looking through cabinets.

“You have some explaining to do,” Matt growled, walking into the kitchen. I stood up with the bottle of Jack and set it on the counter.

“What happened to Sid? You didn’t tell me you broke up. Who is that clown with you?”

“Matt, listen carefully… you and I haven’t talked in about 20 months, since before my daughter was born,” I turned the cap on the Jack and poured almost my entire glass full of it. “If we talked, you would’ve known that we broke up,”

He looked upset to hear of this. He walked over to me and rested a hand over mine. “I am sorry Emily, that must’ve been hard for you,”

“What? Matt, what’s wrong with you? You hated Sidney, you wanted us to break up from day one,” I got my arm free from his grip and sipped the Jack.

“I know,” He smiled. “But he was so great for you. He cared about you and you cared about him. What are you doing?” He held his hands out. “You don’t like that guy, at all, I can tell by your face,”

“Matt, if you cared at all, we would’ve talked before this,” I patted his shoulder. “And besides, I left Sid because I got pregnant. That’s it,” I sipped the Jack and made my way back to the table.

Matt stepped in front of me and crossed his arms over his chest. He may be a linebacker, but I was a dancer. I spun on my tiptoe and stepped around him, he dodged it and got back in front of me.

“What do you want? I kind of want to finish eating,”

“Please, Em, everyone is arguing,” He pushed open the door with his hand, revealing everyone screaming at everyone. Claude and Arianny had moved their plates to the kids table and were talking. Dad and Carrie were arguing. Mom and Farrah. Jeff and Rohan were on the verge of arguing.

I couldn’t make out what anyone was yelling over. “And your date is all over my date,”

“He’s my boyfriend, at least I am not babysitting,” I wore a smug expression. Matt let the door swing shut as he glared at me. “Are her parents paying you by the hour?”

I knew he wanted to laugh, but covered it up by brushing his nose with his finger. “Shut up, how old is Claude? Like 30,” He glared. “He could be babysitting you,”

“Sidney was five years older than me and Claude is about 4, so calm your shit barbie,” I sat my glass down on the table beside the door. “At least I wont go to jail,”

“Oh, you are so funny. Haha,” He waved his finger in the air. “She is turning 18 next month,”

“She may be 18, but obviously has the brain capacity of a rotten grapefruit,” I gave up trying to get back out to the dining room and pulled myself onto the kitchen counter. Matt glared. “Honestly, Matt… she doesn’t wear full shirts for godsakes. She’s coming to a family dinner as your apparent girlfriend, and she’s not even dressing the part,”

When I met Sidney’s parents over Christmas break the year we started dating, I was nervous, but I wore a simple woolen sweater, jeans and boots, curled my hair, minimal eye makeup. I wanted them to know I was with Sidney because of him, not who he was and that wasn’t the vibe I was getting from Arianny.

“What about your date?” He growled. “He’s wearing a Flyer sweatshirt, to a family dinner,”

“At least his stomach is covered,” I countered, flicking my bang out of my eyes.

“Well thankgod for that,” There was a silence and Matt sat at the small kitchen table, spinning his wine glass in his hands. I grabbed the bottle of Jack and sat down across the table from him, topping off his cup. “So, what did happen between you and Sidney? I honestly expected you to be married by now. I don’t know about you, but when he came to talk to me, I was convinced he loved you,”

“He came to talk to you?!” I practically leapt from my chair.“When? What did he say? Tell me everything,”

“Calm your shit,” He rested a hand on my shoulder and lowered me back into my chair. “At the Halloween party, you two started dating at. He came up to me prior and asked me how I would feel about him wanting to be your boyfriend. Of course I gave him the whole ‘you hurt her, I will kill you’ speech but I always knew you’d be together forever. There was something about you two, that almost felt like it was meant to be from day one,”

I wanted to wipe the tear that rolled down my face. I sighed, running my fingers along the label of the bottle of Jack. “I got pregnant…” I started. “I took like five tests and they all came out positive. I was scared and he told me before, kids weren’t his plan right now, and I wanted to be with him, I did. I felt things for him, I never felt for anyone else. His presence made my heart race like I never felt before, but I was scared and when I told him I was pregnant, he freaked out and said I was trying to lure him in…” I rested my head on my hands. “So, I faked a false pregnancy, dumped him over a fight with my now boyfriend, and left for Sweden as fast as I could. I regret it everyday of my life, because I think I loved him like he loved me,”

“Oh Em,” Matt sighed, sliding his chair over and putting his hand on my shoulder while I sobbed lightly into my hands. I knew this wasn’t going to get any easier, I knew it, but I still told myself it was going to be easier. Why do I honestly listen to myself? I am a fucking moron. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” I pushed away from him. “Matt, I dug myself so far down in this hole, that I don’t even think I can get out of it. My boyfriend doesn’t know who Lucia’s Dad is, or that Sidney and I were together, or that I am the one him and Sid fought over. Sid has no clue that he has a daughter, or where I went. I broke his heart, you have no idea. Ty told me, he was going to quit hockey,” I grabbed my glass. “I don’t even deserve to live,” I pushed my way through the door and back over to my seat at the table, my plate of food was now cold.

The seat beside me moved and Claude was back sitting beside me. He had a smirk on his face. “What did I get myself into?” He laughed, obviously joking with me.

I don’t know what happened, but I snapped. I stood out of my chair and glared. “You think your parents are any better than mine?!” I shouted. “If you don’t like it, fuck you, you can just leave! I don’t need this, I don’t need you!” I had tears rolling down my face as my heart raced heavily in my chest. I didn’t expect him just to get out of the chair and leave.

He actually got his coat and shoes and left, got in the Jeep and drove home. I watched him out the window and then it hit me.

Ohmygod… my daughter and I are stranded here. Fabulous.

I turned sharply, and near jumped out of my skin when Farrah was behind me. “How many times have I asked you not to do that?” I scolded, walking around her to head back to the table. Farrah had this way about her, that made it easy for her to sneak up on people. When we were kids, I always threatened to tie a bell around her neck.

“What happened with… Claude?” She asked, reaching out to put a hand on my shoulder. “I heard you arguing,”

“I am surprised you actually heard us with the way you and Mom were going at it,” I threw in her face as I spun back around harshly. “It’s a family dinner and you and Mom can’t stop arguing for a fucking dinner. Are you serious?”

Mom and Farrah never really got along when she was growing up, and it was mainly because Farrah was always independent.

She had straight A’s all through school, Head Cheerleader, Captain of the volleyball team, the soccer team and the tennis team, worked two part time jobs from when she was 14 and it seemed like our Mom couldn’t deal and kept treating her like a child. It seemed obvious that Farrah would move out at a young age, and I wasn’t the only one who seen it.

Our Mother, believe it or not, had a small drinking problem that was resolved before I turned 15, but she was a mean bitch when she was sober, but I honestly preferred her that way. Dad worked all the time, came home on weekends and spent most of it in his office… working.

Matt was busy with his hockey team, rugby and wrestling team. Once he left home at 14, I followed suit when I turned 15.

I felt alone after Farrah and Matt had left, considering our age gaps, so I turned it to dance, but also to anyone who would pay attention to me.

I got involved in the party scene, had a few dozen sexual partners that I couldn’t remember if my life depended on and done a few photos I’d rather not have made public, along with a couple videos, but that was my past and I’m not going to say I had a rough childhood.

It was good and I was never abused, I had everything I ever wanted and parents who loved me.

“Hey space cadet,” Matt’s voice pulled me from my stupor. I blinked my eyes, letting my vision reset and focus on Matt standing two feet away from me, waving his hand in my face. Farrah, Jeff, Arianny and Matt were standing around me. “It’s about time. You were mumbling and completely out of it, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” I put a hand to my forehead. “It’s been a long day,” I walked past them, hiking back up my dress and headed back in the dining room.

~ ~
I wrapped my hands tightly around the mug of hot chocolate and watched Lucia and Carter running through the snow. Lucia giggling and Carters little Aussie accent carrying through the yard. “Stay where Mommy can see you,” I pointed a finger at Lucia.

They had a huge yard, but it wasn’t fenced in and led out to the ocean. I loved this property, if I had the money, I’d definitely buy it and live here.

“Hey Em,” I heard Farrahs voice as the patio door shut. The slight sound of snow being crunched was heard as Farrah sat down beside me, her own mug of hot chocolate in her hand. I was amazed that she actually could come down this far, being 7 months pregnant, but she did it. “So, Matt told me… you two talked,”

“Yeah…” I rested my head on my knees. I didn’t want to be the topic of everyones conversations. I know that my brother and sister care, and I love them so much for actually giving a shit, but I was okay. I’d deal with my own problems in my own way, in my own time. “It was nice, I miss being able to talk face to face with you two,”

“Well, that’s what I came to talk to you guys about…” She trailed off, her eyes watching Carter and Lucia pushing each other. Lucia wasn’t able to solidly run through the snow without falling, but it was the cutest thing watching Carter help her up. “Jeff and I, you know, with the new baby and everything. We kind of want to be back around family and Matt said he got traded, so he’s around the New York area, and you’re in Philly, I was thinking of buying property in Manhattan, for us to live. I love Australia don’t get me wrong, but I miss my babies,” She threw an arm around my shoulder. That was what she called Matt and I, since she was the oldest, we were her babies.

Having Farrah closer would be amazing, not just for me, but for Lucia and for Carter and the new baby. I hadn’t seen Carter since he was about 3, and he’s grown so much.

“Wait, Matt got traded?” It seemed to Farrah that was the only thing I got out of the conversation. “Ohmygod to where? I loved him as a Patriot, this isn’t fair,”

“I think he said… Jets, but I could be wrong. Em, me and sports don’t mix,” She rolled her eyes. “Jeff already has an appointment to go look at houses tomorrow, I’m excited to move,”

“If you need help, let me know,” I smiled, pushing the sides of our faces together. My sister had her life together and I felt like I always knew that she’d be the first one to settle down and start a family.

Matt, was always going to be a manwhore, living a lifestyle like Charlie Sheen, but I hoped he’d settle down eventually. I knew he had so much to give to a relationship, he had a big heart. “I take it you wont be moving until after you have… do you know what you’re having yet?”

“The doc thinks we are having a girl… I hope so,” She looked back out towards Carter. “I think Car would love to have a little sister and I know he loves the idea of being a big brother,” She rested her hand on her stomach. “I don’t really care to be honest, but I know Jeff wants a girl,”

“I think deep down every man wants to have a daughter,” I spoke softly, like I was explaining a shining moment in a lifetime movie. “Any names yet?”

“We have one,” She smiled, looking directly at me. “Aubry Emily Simms, after her auntie,” She pinched my cheek playfully. I felt like crying at the thought of my sister naming her baby after me, well middle name, but still. So sweet. “Who is Lucia named after?”

“Sidneys dog,” I frowned. She gave me an awkward look. “I asked him one day if we ever have kids, what he’d name them. He never gave me a boys name, but he said he had a dog from when he was 2 up until he turned 15 and her name was Lucia. She was one of his best friends, and wanted to honor his dog by giving his daughter the name,” I explained simply. “I loved it and I couldn’t have his daughter without sticking to the plan,”

She put a hand on my shoulder. “You know, I never met Sidney, but the way you talked about him, you would think he was the best thing since sliced bread. Mom even said he was good, and if you believe this, Matty said it too,”

I opened my mouth and she stuck up her free hand after setting her mug down on the porch beside her. “Emily please. Look, I know, you are an adult and I can’t believe it myself that you are, and I can’t make your decisions for you, but I don’t think this new guy, is who you want. You’re hurting from the break-up and you’re trying to cover it up. Claude’s a nice guy, but you don’t want him, you want Sid,” I frowned. “Baby sister, you know it’s true,”

I huffed, resting my head on my palms. I knew she was right.

When I was with Claude, I thought about Sidney. In the two years I’ve been gone. I’ve been thinking non-stop about Sidney.

I migrated back inside and got my laptop out of my bag. I had to write Tyler back, we were going to meet up again for another coffee soon and I was going to even though I was scared to, -- ask him to help me tell Sidney about Lucia.

I hooked it up to the charger and stuck it in the outlet in the living room, as I sat the laptop on the table and opened it, immediately logging into my e-mail. I was stunned at an email from Claude, sitting in my inbox.

I opened it, and was completely awestruck at what he wrote.

Em.
I don’t know what the fuck happened back there, but you flipped your shit and I decided to leave. I am expecting an apology as I did nothing wrong to deserve that… Whenever you are ready to come home.
Claude.