Inamorta

I woke up maybe an hour later, cuddled securely against James' chest. it takes me a second to realize that i'm a virgin anymore, and that i'm really really sore in a place i didn't think i could be. James's deep breaths tell me that he's asleep, so i look up at him, seeing that contented look on his face. i grin, rolling away from him and grimacing. okay, one, i'm going to need new sheets, two, ow .
talk about painful.

i dart out of bed, wrapping a sheet around myself just in case he's not really asleep. it's actually a bit foolish, now that i think about it, cos he's already seen just about every part of me, so what's the point? i drop the sheet, picking up my discarded clothes and putting them in the hamper. i grab fresh ones and head for the shower.

the water feels good against me, kind of wakes me up a bit more, too. it wasn't a dream. i really did it. i had sex. did we even use a condom? i can't remember clearly, but i don't think so. well, it's not like anythings going to happen. it was my first time, for gods sake! i'll be fine.

quickly, i toss all thoughts of condoms out of my mind and finish up. i wrap a clean towel around me and dry off, slipping on the clothes i picked out after. When i go back into my room, James is no longer asleep; he sitting up on my bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. i can't help but notice how adorable he looks. "hey there, champ." i grin, walking over. he returns my smile, pulling me down for a kiss.

i kiss him softly for just barely a moment, then i pull away, grabbing his hand and attempting to pull him up. "nooo." he groans, flopping down and cuddling against my pillow. "your bed is so soft!" he exclaims, wrapping my comforter or around him and managing to look adorable as hell.

"oh wait, i say suddenly, "don't you have to leave today?"

"shit." he mumbles, pulling himself up. "yeah, what time is it?"

"four." i answer, watching as he scrambles up, pulling on his clothes, mumbling "shit." over and over again. "the bus leaves at five!"

"oh."

he stops suddenly, coming over to me and cupping my face in his rough hands. "it's only four months." he says before giving me a kiss that takes my breath away. "i'll be back before you know it."

i can't look him in the eye. "you'll forget me." i say quietly, knowing that it's the truth. of course he will, what with all those pretty girls fawning over him all the time. he finger slips underneath my chin, my my face up.

"i will never forget you, Clover. Never."

he kissing me again, roughly this time, shoving his tongue inside my mouth. i tangle it with my own for a moment before he pulls away, looking me in the eyes. "do you understand?"

i look away, nodding a yes. desperately, i fight tears. i don't want him to go. he pulls me against him in a hug. "it feels like I've known you for forever." i tell him honestly, breathing in his scent and committing it to memory.

he rubs my back before releasing me, looking sad. "i have to go, walk me out?" somberly, i nod and follow him downstairs. this feels too much like a permanent good bye. at the door, he gives me a kiss, promising to call. with that, he's gone.

he won't call, i know that for sure; i'm just some silly underage girl who slept with him. yep, that's me. silly Clover.

but i don't regret it, not for a second. it doesn't matter what it meant to him, it's what it meant to me. i mean really, it's not like a lot of girls can say that James Cassells took their virginity, right? so even if he never comes back, i'll still have that to hold onto.



The next day is pretty normal, so is the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. my last weeks of high school pass in a blur, and finally, i'm free. still shy of eighteen, but free. James is on my mind all the time, and he does call a few times, surprisingly. still about two and half months of warped tour to go. he promises, just as soon as it's over, he's flying straight here to see me. it's unbelievable. i barely know the guy, but he's apparently making plans for me.

currently, i'm lying in bed, nursing a head ache and cramps. Mom claims that i'm sick and need bed rest, i don't argue with her. these past few weeks I've been so exhausted and nauseous, it's crazy. at this rate i'm not even going to be able to enjoy my summer.

i groan as a particularly painful cramp slices through my abdomen. fucking ouch . this is so not fair. Callie's probably out there, having the time of her life... well, probably not, considering that i'm her only friend, but whatever.

I've got two options: option one, stay at home alone and be sick. option two: Call Callie and have a sleepover.

i think it's obvious. i grab my phone off of my nightstand and text Callie. her reply comes back almost instantly. she'll be here soon.

with a groan, i roll off my bed and change from my tiny shorts and see through tank top into long fluffy pants and a tee shirt. while i'm up, i take four Tylenol and cuddle back up in my sheets, watching the walking dead intently. i swear, this is the best show ever.

"omg Rick why you so sassy." i giggle to myself, just as i hear a car pull up in the driveway. judging by the obnoxious revving of the engine, it's Callie. my phone buzzes, receiving a text. it reads: The party's here, bitch. i roll my eyes, knowing that she's going to burst through that door any moment. well, after she flirts with my dad of course.

She doesn't keep me waiting long. She struts through my bedroom door like she owns the place, a duffle bag stuffed to the brim thrown over her shoulder. "your Dad keeps blowing me off." she huffs, kicking off her shoes and plopping down on my bed.

i laugh at her, "what do you want me to say? that i'm sorry? or that i can't wait for you to be my new mommy?" she frowns at me, a deep wrinkle creasing her forehead. "you could at least be sympathetic."

"when's your dad leaving?"

"once mom gets home, they're going on a date." i pause the walking dead so i don't miss it, and turn back to her. "o-kayyy so when's that?" she probes, and i know that she just wants them gone for a while so she can invite boys over. i shrug, rolling onto my stomach. "soon, maybe like thirty minutes."

she quiet for a moment, and i take this opportunity to un pause my show. "can i get you anything? water? a soda? some pizza? want me to fluff your pillows?" Callie leans over me, feigning concern. i roll my eyes, knowing full and well what she wants. "fine, Callie, but this is the last time."

"you're the best." she kisses me on the cheek and pulls out her phone, texting whatever boy is willing to fill the void. "who's coming?" i ask after a moment, playing with a stray fiber on my blanket. "Tyler and one of his friends." she doesn't sound too interested, but then again, she's never too interested in the boys she fucks. "i have no idea who Tyler is."

"i barely know him either," she admits, laughing, "but he's really funny, supposedly. and hot."

"whatever. if they steal something, you're paying." i really fucking wish that Tylenol would kick in already. my head's pounding, but at least my cramps have subsided. "well then, what's your problem?" Callie asks, miffed. i shrug, looking at my nails. i really do have to repaint them. something happy, maybe yellow, just like the sun.

"i don't have one, i just hate it when you come round my house just so you can fuck a boy in my parents bed."

Callie is silent for a long minute before speaking, "that's not the only reason i come over, Clove, you should know that. you're my best friend." her voice is soft, like she speaking to a child. "i'm your only friend." i mutter, brushing a strand of bronze hair out of my face. "same difference."

"whoa," she says suddenly, changing the subject. "are you bloated or what?"

"shut up!" i groan, my hand flying to my puffy stomach. "i don't know what's going on with me. I've been bloated for like two weeks, and my boobs have been hurting like crazy." i explain, sighing. i hate being sick. "are you on your period?"

"that would be the obvious answer, but no, i'm not."

"When's the last time you had it?"

"i don't know... maybe two months ago? three? i have no idea." i sit up and face her, only to see a look of worry engraved deeply onto her face. "Clover, is there something that you're not telling me?" she's all business, nothing about her right now is amused or joking. that alone plants a seed of fear deep into the pit of my stomach.

"like what?"

"have you had sex?"

i don't know what to say. i never told her about James taking my virginity; that night felt too much like my secret, the one thing that i could keep forever. But we did have sex... with out a condom... sometime around three months ago... and i haven't gotten my period since. this is bad. this is really really bad.

i look down at my blanket, studying the green family crest sewn into it. i swallow the thick lump in my throat and whisper, "yes."

she takes a sharp breath in, looking away from me. "why didn't you tell me?" Callie's voice is thick with hurt, and suddenly i feel a pang of guilt. she is my best friend, after all. "i don't know." i tell her honestly. "it didn't seem important, i guess."

"well it is! because now you're probably fucking pregnant!"

i'm shocked into silence, and scared shitless when i realize that she's probably right. it adds up. oh fuck! no no no this isn't happening. i can't be pregnant. so not possible.

i get off the bed and quickly grab some shorts and a loose black tank top. "Those guy's are going to be here soon. my parents left like five minutes ago." i say flatly, keeping my back to her as i walk into my bathroom to change.

i look at myself in the mirror, not surprised to find tears slipping from my eyes. "you aren't pregnant." i tell myself sternly, wiping the traitorous drops of salty water from my cheeks. i splash cold water on my face and change into the clothes i picked, desperately shoving this whole pregnancy this out of my mind. i'll deal with it later, now's not the time.

when i come out, Callie isn't in my room. but i can hear voices floating up from the bottom floor. those guys must be here. i run a hand through my hair and go down stairs, seeing them all sprawled out on my couch. Callie is in one of the guys' lap, laughing with him and the other. they are quite attractive, in a boyish way. nothing like James and his manliness.

"hey." i greet them all, giving a small wave. i don't like the way the other guy is looking at me, but i try my best to ignore it. "hey, we were waiting for you." Callie grins, like nothing is wrong. and for a second i think that what was said upstairs is forgotten. but she's probably just putting on a show for our guests.

Cautiously, i take a seat between the two boys. "this is Tyler," She points to the boy she's hanging on, "and that's.." she trails off awkwardly, and it's obvious that she doesn't know the other ones name. "Sean." he offers, and i feel the couch shift as he scoots closer to me.

i can feel his hot gaze on my skin, grazing over my body. i shift uncomfortably, feeling my stomach clench and roll nauseatingly.

this Tyler fellow makes a few jokes, and soon i find myself laughing along with everyone else. This Sean guy is kind of creeping me out, but when his arms snake around my waist and try to tug me onto his lap, i don't resist, even though the way his hands are sliding over my bare skin is making me want to vomit.

his wet lips graze over my neck, leaving uncomfortable wet patches. nothing about the experience is pleasurable, but when i close my eyes i can almost pretend that it's James. except... James' hands are rough with callouses, and this boys hands are clammy and cold. everything about him sickens me to my core.

my head is reeling, Callie's laughter is ringing in my ears and making me dizzy. the room is spinning, my stomach give a big leap and i know that i am going to be sick. i lurch out of Sean's arms, making a beeline for the bathroom. i spill my guts in the porcelain, gagging a retching again at the smell.

finally, i lift my head away from the bowl, wiping sweat away from my brow. Callie come in a moment later, a knowing look plastered on her face.

"i told you so."

i swear to god, I've never wanted to punch her in the face before that moment.