Finding John
Chapter Eighteen
“I have to go,” Alex said, abruptly standing up, picking up his tray, and walking away. I felt my heart crumble into a thousand tiny pieces. Out of all the things Alex could have said, he chose that, that four-worded sentence that had the ability to tear out my heart and rip it to pieces in a matter of seconds.
Alex kept walking, and suddenly, all eyes were on me. I froze. How was I supposed to react? Was I supposed to pretend nothing had happened? Was I supposed to smile? I wasn’t sure.
So I cried. Right there in the middle of Santa Rosa High School’s cafeteria, I finally let myself break down. It didn’t matter that everyone was looking at me or that I was making a complete fool of myself. I needed to cry. Something deep inside of me had wanted this to happen for a long time.
And then I heard my mom’s voice. “It’s okay to cry, Jane.” it said. “Just let it all out. Everything will be just fine.”
I felt a pair of warm arms wrap around me and looked up. “Shh,” Sara cooed. “Don’t talk.” I gulped back a tear and just let Sara hold me. It was in that moment that I saw what my mother was talking about: I didn’t need to be strong, or brave, or even courageous, I just needed to be me. And that’s the one thing I hadn’t been the past month, since my mother died. Sure, I was still the same John as I ever was, but I wasn’t as outgoing, or spunky, or positive as I used to be. People used to come for me for help on their homework or if they needed advice on something personal. Now the only thing people say to me is, “Oh, are you okay?”. I didn’t want that; I didn’t want the pity that people were giving me. I wanted to go back to the old me. And my mother was trying to tell me to move on, on from the grief I felt, on from being so down and depressed.
And then, a final thought came to me: I was becoming like Alex, after his mother died.
And then I had a choice: I could either continue on like this, or conquer through it.
I thought about it for awhile. My final decision chosen, I looked up at Sara and said, “I want him.”
She smiled at me. “Then go get him.”
Alex kept walking, and suddenly, all eyes were on me. I froze. How was I supposed to react? Was I supposed to pretend nothing had happened? Was I supposed to smile? I wasn’t sure.
So I cried. Right there in the middle of Santa Rosa High School’s cafeteria, I finally let myself break down. It didn’t matter that everyone was looking at me or that I was making a complete fool of myself. I needed to cry. Something deep inside of me had wanted this to happen for a long time.
And then I heard my mom’s voice. “It’s okay to cry, Jane.” it said. “Just let it all out. Everything will be just fine.”
I felt a pair of warm arms wrap around me and looked up. “Shh,” Sara cooed. “Don’t talk.” I gulped back a tear and just let Sara hold me. It was in that moment that I saw what my mother was talking about: I didn’t need to be strong, or brave, or even courageous, I just needed to be me. And that’s the one thing I hadn’t been the past month, since my mother died. Sure, I was still the same John as I ever was, but I wasn’t as outgoing, or spunky, or positive as I used to be. People used to come for me for help on their homework or if they needed advice on something personal. Now the only thing people say to me is, “Oh, are you okay?”. I didn’t want that; I didn’t want the pity that people were giving me. I wanted to go back to the old me. And my mother was trying to tell me to move on, on from the grief I felt, on from being so down and depressed.
And then, a final thought came to me: I was becoming like Alex, after his mother died.
And then I had a choice: I could either continue on like this, or conquer through it.
I thought about it for awhile. My final decision chosen, I looked up at Sara and said, “I want him.”
She smiled at me. “Then go get him.”