One Hundred Sleepless Nights

Do you know what it’s like to realize that you’re the dumbest person on earth? I hope you don’t because it fucking sucks. How come I have no idea how Cassie feels about me? About us? I mean… Was she being serious? This thing hits me like a yellow school bus… No, wait, this thing hits me like our green gigantic tour bus. I felt sharp pains in my chest and my stomach starts to churn.

I skipped down the stairs before they both caught me eavesdropping and head to the kitchen. I took a glass of water because after hearing what they both were talking about I felt like sharp needles were poking inside my throat and it gets hard for me to swallow. I was preoccupied with all these questions about Cassie and that conversation that I didn’t realize that Cassie was walking down the stairs. She also didn’t seem to notice that I was standing in the kitchen when she reached the bottom step. I heard her flat shoes tapped against the wooden floor as she grabbed her bag from the couch in the living room and walked towards the door, but to get to the door you have to pass by the kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me there.

“Uh… Hi” I shot her a quick smile. Why is everything so fucking awkward now?

She smiled just as quick in return. “Hey, haven’t seen you much lately” She shifted her weight between her legs.

“Yeah, it’s hard managing time between the guys and Jess–“ I quickly shut up when I realized that I was going to say Jessie’s name and her face fell.

“Yeah well, it’s nice to see you Tone” This time she gave me a sincere smile, but all I can see in her eyes were sorrow and sadness. Was she jealous?

Of course she is you fucking dumbass.

“It’s nice to see you too Cass, I’ve missed you”

“I missed you too” She looked down at her feet, then her head shot up and she smiled weakly. “Well I gotta go, I’ll see you around”

“Yeah, see you around” I waved and she disappeared through the door.

I noticed that she looked exceptionally pretty today; I mean I’ve always thought that Cassie was cute, gorgeous ever since I saw her that night at the hospital. The way her jet-black hair bounces when she laughs, the way her eyes squints when she ate something sour or just the way her lips twitch when she is mad or angry at something or someone. I’ve always find Cassie attractive, but that’s it. Since she doesn’t really talk about her feelings, I had no idea what she feels about me… or any other guy for that matter. I was too afraid to start things with her because I never know what will happen, and call me a pussy but I’m actually scared to get my heart broken again.

I knew she was different the moment since she opened up to me about her past.

I like her.

But more than just ‘like’, I felt like I could trust her and I felt like I had known her for years. It’s not hard to fall for Cassie, she’s smart, she’s funny and she’s not like your typical Californian girl. She’s Cassie Hayes.

She’s just… Perfect.





Why am I crying?

Honestly I have no idea why I’m crying. Well, maybe I do… and maybe it has something, no scratch that, it has everything to do with seeing Tony today. I didn’t expect to see him today and I was glad, because if I do I wont be able to control my emotions. Like right now.

I know you can’t choose who you fall for, I know once you do there’s probably nothing else to do than to just accept it. But how can I accept the fact that I have these feelings towards Tony when he doesn’t even know it? When he doesn’t even feel the same way! I hated these feelings I have for him, I hated that out of every human being on the planet, my stupid heart decided to fall for the one guy who I can’t have.

I hate what this is doing to us; I hate what these feelings are doing to Tony and I’s friendship. It’s bad enough that I can’t have him, but it’s even worse to lose him as a best friend. At this moment, I really don’t know what to do anymore. If I could I would shut him away from my life so I wont be bothered with all these unwanted feelings, but I know that it will just hurt us both even more and I don’t want to hurt Tony in anyway.

But what the fuck should I do?





It has been weeks since the last time I saw Cassie, it’s now September and the last time I saw or talked to her was probably early August. She still comes over to chat with Ma every once in a while, but it’s like fate is not on my side, every time she comes over, I would either be out with Jessie or busy doing other stuff with the guys.

None of them have seen Cassie either, well maybe except for Jaime since Cassie is still hanging out with Avela and would come over to his place once in a while. I also know that other than me, Cassie is close to Jaime. He’s like a big brother to her and surely she would talk to him about… us. Right?

I pressed Jaime’s name on my favorites list in my phone. “Hey man” I said as soon he picks up.

“Hey Tone, what’s up? He replied on the other end.

“You gotta minute? I need to talk to you about something”

“Woah, serious and straight to the point. Alright hold on” I heard the phone shuffled and Avela’s voice in the background asking what was wrong.

“Alright man, what’s up?” He went back to the line.

“I need to talk to you about Cassie” I gulped and there was a slight pause on Jaime’s end before he cleared his throat.

“What’s with Cassie? Everything good?”

“Uh, yeah yeah… Uhm, no actually, I need to ask you something but can you promise to tell me the truth?”

“Uh… Yeah sure man, what is it?”

“So, a few weeks ago Cassie came by to talk to Ma aaaanndd… I kinda eavesdrop on their conversation”

I heard Jaime chuckled on the other end. “Eavesdrop? Not cool man, but what did they talk about?”

“Yeah I know, but it wasn’t intentional! I was about to check up on Ma when I heard it. They were talking about me, Jessie… and her”

“Her as in Cassie?”

“Yeah, Ma said she doesn’t really like Jessie because she’s clingy and needy”

Now Jaime was full on laughing. “Oh man, sorry. Go on”

“What? You think that too?!” I raised my voice a little.

“Well, I don’t know man I mean, I’ve only seen Jessie a couple of times but she’s kinda of like a Koala, like how she clings on to you and stuff”

“Why didn’t any of you say anything? Seriously Hime?” I was getting frustrated, is this how my friends are now? Keeping secrets and have all these feelings and not tell me?

“I don’t know man, I just thought that since this is all new and stuff I figured that she might change or something. Anyway, back to the topic!”

“Okay, well after Ma talked about how much she doesn’t like Jessie, she said that she was hoping I would end up with Cassie” I paused for a second. “Then Cassie said that she was hoping the same thing”

I said the last part in one breath, I cringed as I said that. I was still shocked and stunned about the whole thing.

“Ah, so you know? Jaime said calmly.

What?!

“What do you mean? You’ve known this all along? Fuck Jaime, when are you planning to tell me this?” I raised my hand up in frustration, seriously my best friends are assholes.

“It’s not my place to say anything Tony, you know that and besides, you’re the stupid one for not realizing. I mean, it’s pretty obvious” Jaime chuckled. Was it really that obvious? Am I really that oblivious?

“Wait, so you really don’t know how Cassie felt about you all this time?” Jaime asked again, this time in a ‘are you serious?’ kind of tone.

I sighed. “No man, not a clue” I muttered my answer. “I feel like the biggest idiot in the whole fucking world right now, why can’t she just tell me?”

“Look man, if I may say something. Yes you are the biggest idiot in the whole fucking world for not realizing that sooner, but I don’t think you should blame Cassie for not telling you this when you’re not being honest with your feelings as well”

I was stunned, what does that supposed to mean?

“What? What are you talking about Hime?”

“Oh come on, I know you since we were fucking babies man. Well not really but I’ve known you for a long time now, give me some credit” He paused. “Why do you think your relationship with Stephanie didn’t work the second time? Why does knowing that Cassie has feelings for you bother you this much?”

“I don’t know”

“Of course you do, it’s cause you have the same feelings too. You like Cassie, and not just like, you ‘like-like’ Cassie” I can almost hear the smile on his face when he said that sentence.

“Don’t be crazy Hime, you’re just making stuff up”

I know that I was being in denial; I know that deep down I had something special with Cassie. I felt something different, something special about Cassie. But admitting it out loud? I’m just scared of what it might do to our friendship. Not just Cassie and I’s, but to everyone.

“Come on Tone, just admit it. You’ll never know what’s going to happen”

“What if it’s bad? What if this is all just the start of something so fucked up that I’m going to end up losing Cassie?”

“But what if it’s good? What if this is the start of something really beautiful?” He laughed. “God, I sound like my mother”

I laughed with Jaime, he always know how to light up a situation.

“Yeah well, I don’t know where to start. I mean, I think I have feelings for Cassie–“ I was cut off my Jaime’s shout.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about! Okay continue,” He giggled.

“As I was saying, I think I might have feelings for Cassie but there’s no way this could ever work. Not after what she told me back at the hospital”

We were having one of our night smoking sessions outside the hospital, this time Cassie was sitting down on the cold pavement next to me, instead of us standing opposite each other.

”So what do you want to be when you were little?” I asked Cassie who was lighting up her second smoke for tonight.

“Um… I don’t know. I wanted to be a lot of things. When I was 4 I wanted to be a ballerina, then I wanted to be an astronaut, then I wanted to be a motocross racer and a bunch of other stuff. Never thought I would end up as a journalist in a crappy publishing company,” She laughed as she flicked off her cig.

I laughed along with her. “You don’t want to be a mom?”

She cleared her throat and gave me a weak smile. “I don’t think so, I mean, babies scare the fuck outta me and I don’t think I can handle them. I’m afraid I’ll end up like my mom and fuck up that kid for the rest of his or her life” She took a deep drag of the cancer stick.

Immediately I felt bad for bringing up that subject, I know it must’ve been tough going through what she went through, I don’t even think I could ever survive growing up without my parents. Growing up without my dad is already hard enough, I couldn’t imagine if I didn’t have my mom with me.

“I’m sorry”

“Nah it’s fine, but hey, look how I turn out!” She laughed. “Besides, to have a baby you have to be married first, that’s my number one rule. That’s also another reason why I could never be a mom, cause I don’t think I want to get married”

“Why not? I thought every girl wants to get married and have those expensive fairytale weddings and shit” I stubbed my cigarette butt onto the pavement.

“Well not me. After what happened to my mom, I don’t think I could ever trust anyone, or any guy for that matter, to commit myself to for the rest of my life”

“What if the guy turns out to be different?” I cocked my eyebrow, I felt a bit insulted somehow cause I don’t think I’m like what she described, yet she’s saying as if every guy in the planet are like that.

“I just can’t take that chance you know, I’ve had enough disappointment in my life. I don’t think I need another one, especially coming from a guy”

And stupid me, after what she has done for my family and me, I gave her nothing but disappointment.